Quality of Life

Despite unlimited multimedia, I saw Elazar playing with these earlier today.  When I walked by later, I noticed he had left a little design.  Every time I walk by it, I smile.

I realized this morning that hassle of getting Chen's paperwork in to apply to college aside, my life is pretty calm these days.  Around three or four years ago, when my youngest was leaving toddlerhood, life took a turn for the easier.  The constant, unrelenting childcare began to ease.

But today I was thinking that I can't remember the last time one of them cried.  In fact, I think I've cried more recently than they have.  Considering that most of my day used to be spent with little people crying and throwing things at me.  I remember when the first two hours of my day, from 5:30-7:30am, were of my two little ones tag teaming me crying. 

Even when the older two boys edged out of the constant crying, my youngest was quite a crier.  Walking to shul always entailed him collapsing in the middle of the street screaming.  We thought of him as the hulk--usually pretty even tempered, but "you won't like me when I'm angry."  I couldn't understand how my youngest child's temper tantrums were wiping me out when I could remember juggling three (sometimes four) tantrums at the same time.  But after age 4, his tantrums became more...robust, I guess.

Then there was the stage where the older boys went to bed late and the little one just couldn't keep up.  Either bedtime was excruciating as he fought it, and/or the next day was difficult as he was too tired, and thus more prone to irritability (read "the Hulk"). 

Then, one day, he grew up.  He could tolerate going to sleep late.  He began sleeping later in the morning.  I let him go to bed when he wanted to and many days he put himself to sleep when he was tired, knowing if he wants to, he can stay up with everyone.  Even if he was tired, he functioned the next day.

Like I said, I haven't heard them cry in ages.  They have disagreements.  I try to be there on hand to help them talk through it.  The tactics we use are:

• Eye contact.  Look at the person as you express your complaint
• Take turns.  Don't interrupt.  Wait until the first person has completely expressed everything he wants to say.  Then it's your turn
• If someone says Stop, or Don't do that--respect that.  (That often doesn't happen in the course of roughhousing or teasing or sublimated aggression.  When they bring me into it, I am the superego who reminds them that verbal communication is ideally listened to on the first try.)
• פשרה, Compromise.  A lot of times the solutions they come up with are not what I would have thought of.  I'm thinking "fair" but they think about working it out.  
• Don't leave the conversation until both parties are satisfied

My main point?  Life is more pleasant when you're not being cried at all day long.  Perhaps this is an obvious point.  But a stay-at-home mom with small children may not even realize how much emotional energy is sapped by being cried at constantly.

(Irony--as I was writing this, Elazar started crying because his plans for buying a sushi making kit [which he'd been planning for a few hours] didn't work out.)  

(Update--he sobbed in my lap for 5 minutes, then went out of the room and figured it out.)

the eternal basement issue

My path is not staying clear.  Twice this week I sent the boys down to clear my path.

Further, I sent the boys and their friends downstairs to play this week.  And they didn't want to go.  Why?  Because there was no room to play.  The basement is not a functional space if they have no place to go because it is too messy to be there.

So I told them I was going to clean it up sometime this week, and could they please pick everything off the floor that they wanted to keep, since I'd be throwing everything else out.

Chaos ensued.  They all reacted according to their natures.  Elazar said no problem, throw everything out, he'll get to it or not.  Aharon came immediately over and asked for help.  He said that he wants all of his legos, but there is no room for the legos on the shelves.  So I said we need to clear off some shelves and I'll help him.

Jack began to scream and cry.  He had numerous issues.  First, the basement is supposed to be a space that they don't have to clean up.  It is supposed to be a space for them to spread out their arts and crafts.  They only play ball on Shabbos.  Why do I have to say I'll throw everything out; why can't I help him put things away.  If we keep putting things away, then there won't be space for them.  (Then let's throw things out, I thought).

I made a number of mistakes.

• I was not kind.  
• I felt out of control.  I didn't negotiate peacefully, listen carefully to what they were saying, try to understand.  I wanted to go in and throw everything out.
• I let the basement get too bad to the point where I was upset instead of taking care of it weeks ago when it was getting to me.
• They were overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed.  Jack especially felt very tense that his space was under attack, I couldn't hear him, and that things were going to go in a way that was upsetting to him.  No one was too happy with how I handled it.
• I forgot my principles--that when I am comfortable with what I am asking, and can be clear about how they can achieve it, I can be kind.  Insistent and firm, but not mean.  I need not pressure, raise my voice, have a mean expression on my face, talk over them as they try to explain the issue.
• I felt guilty for making them clean up when they the space messy.  I felt bad claiming my need for a path and a working space for them to be because it conflicted with their needs for that space.  Instead of trusting that we could work together, talk it out, and come to an agreement, my guilt had me pushing and insisting on my way at the expense of listening to them and stressing them out. 
• The basement took more than 20 minutes to clean up.

What I did ok:

• I didn't scream.  I didn't really lose patience.
• I have categories that are not too hard to direct: legos, balls, weapons, a&c, costumes.  They finished that in under 20 minutes and the rest was for me to throw out.
• I did listen, I did hear.  Yes, I could have been kinder.  But I did hear what they wanted and we did work it out.
• I threw out lots of little lego pieces.  I always feel compelled to keep small pieces "in case" they need them for creative work.  But there are plenty.  It's ok.
• I gave myself permission to throw out a stroller that always falls apart into 2 pieces that I keep for guests who come over.  It annoys me.  If/when I have a grandchild who wants one, I gave myself permission to buy a new one when that day comes.  
• The basement is clean(er), it didn't take too long, it didn't overwhelm me or the kids too badly.  I hope I learned some things about how to run the negotiations next time, so that I can talk to them kindly and with confidence that we will work it out and our needs will be met.  

Classic Conflict

When I named the previous post "Zos Chanuka" I had in mind to write this one.  By the time I sat down to write it, it slipped my mind.  Although life's pace is slowing down, sometimes I have a dizzying amount of things on my mind.  Getting Chen's college application in was a huge relief, but there are still things to follow up on, play practice to drive to, doctor's appointments, and Jack wanted baseball cards so to earn them I said he can learn for $1 per session and now he keeps wanting to learn.  (מתוך שלא לשמה, בא לשמה, I keep saying to myself as he listens with half an ear and dreams of baseball cards.)

So on the last day of Chanuka, I davened before the boys were awake (that's been happening, so my grand plan of davening out loud has not been working as frequently as I like, and I prefer to daven before I start my day or it doesn't happen) but held off hallel until they were all around. 

(BTW, Elazar just came over to me and asked me to edit his story with him, but I had to refuse him because I have something scheduled in a few minutes.)

So I start singing hallel, and just as I start, Jack gets up to go play with the neighbors.  I gesture for him to stay for hallel.  The other two know that I like them to be around when I daven out loud, because they were usually awake when I did it.  But Jack sleeps late and rarely was around (which is ok, because out of the 3, he's most likely to go to minyan for social reasons and also pretty likely to have the zitzfleisch to learn the davening).  So he didn't know the protocol.  So he's getting annoyed that he has to stay there when he wants to go play.

So instead of davening being a fun, quick, singing hallel that kind of gets in their head that they hum later, hallel is turning into a sulking child and a frowning, chastising mom kind of a hallel.

Then I think: well, the idea is for them to have a positive association with tefila and want to do it.  And now he is getting upset and resentful.  So I'm actually accomplishing the exact opposite of my goals. (My other goal is for them to be familiar with davening, but at the expense of him resenting it?)

From an unschooling perspective, obviously no question--Jack should leave.  But I started it, and maybe I should demonstrate that it's important to me by insisting Jack stay?

Ultimately I shooed him out.  I didn't think it was worth having him there and being upset he had to be there.

I think in homeschool, we often end up choosing the relationship over pushing the lesson.  Either the relationship between parent and child, or the long term relationship to learning.  The child ends up learning less, but hopefully has more positive relationships.

Zos Chanuka

Aharon's burning desire to read has settled down.  He stopped dragging the reader in every night 4 minutes before the cutoff time (10:30pm).  Either he achieved a level of mastery that he is content with, or the urge that had been driving him just eased a bit.

I forgot about the rhythms of learning.  Back when I used to homeschool (not unschool), some weeks/months the kids would be raring to go, like their brains were extra nimble and they were super motivated.  Then other times they'd be like molasses, difficult to motivate and sluggish to work.  I learned many years ago to look out for the highs and grab them and get as much done as possible.  Because during the lows and dips they didn't want to work.

It was something I didn't know about from "regular" school.  Kids have to go by what the class is doing, and don't get to ride the waves of their own personal brain functioning and motivation and zip when they are uber efficient, and take it easier when they are more stagnant.  But I saw it a lot in homeschool when I taught other people's kids.  And I see it here again.

Burning Chanuka Question

7yo came in this morning (he would have woken me up to ask this; happily I'm getting plenty of sleep these days and I wake up early most days) to ask:

Do we light the Chanuka candles on Shabbos?

I said no, we light before and we light after.

He said: Then how can it count for the day?

Excellent.  He's thinking halachically.  If we light before Shabbos, how can it count for that night?  Doesn't it need to be after nightfall? 

I reassured him that it's ok, we do light beforehand and it still counts.

But now I'm thinking about it.  How does that work halachically?

I do find about homeschooling, especially unschooling, that kids aren't mentally worn out from sitting so many hours and their curiosity is not dulled from studying things they are not interested in.  People who are in school have a hard time comprehending the urge to think about things when you don't "have" to.  I myself, a product of the school system, continue to be shocked by it.  But very often, my kids wake me up with "school" questions.

More Unschooling Magic

Aharon continues to drag the reader into my room every night at 10:24 or so, with just enough time before 10:30 to read.  Last night he read two pages.  His reading is not as fluent as a 2nd grader in "regular" school, but he's much faster than his older brothers.  The other day, while I was davening out loud, he came to look over my shoulder.  I slowed down and let him read the very last syllable, which he did.  He seems interested in getting his reading level to the point of being able to daven.

(Jack has stopped asking for Chumash, and Elazar and I are doing trup very spottily.)

Jack comes up for snuggle most nights in the early 10s, to get a snuggle before my 10:30 cutoff time.  Last night, I was hanging out in bed, talking to Chen, when he came in.  He asked what division was.

I explained it like I had explained it to Elazar about cookies and the amount of people who want cookies and to make it fair.  So we started with 15 and I said there are 3 people.  I gave him one of my hands so he'd have 15 fingers and could visualize it.

He spent a long time thinking.  A really long time thinking.  One might even say a ridiculously long time thinking. 

And he wasn't using my hand, and dividing into the obvious 3 equal parts.

What was he doing?

Eventually, he said "5."  That was right, and he was thrilled, and he asked for another.

Chen was extremely curious about how he had done it.  So we asked Jack to do the next one out loud, if he could.  To talk as he was doing it and to say what he was thinking. 

He was guessing what it might be, then counting by that number, to see if he ended up with the right answer.  So 24 divided by 6.  He guessed 4.  Then he counted.  4, 8, 12, 16, 20, 24.  That was 6 jumps of 4, ending with the right number.  Had he started with 3 it would have been: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18.  Wrong.  We did a few more problems until Aharon came in to read.

A few things really struck me about this. 

• He LOVED it.  He got so much enjoyment from thinking about this and figuring it out.  It was something he was wondering, he came to me and asked me about it, and was rewarded with the pure joy of figuring it out, discovering it, thinking about it. 
  
• He took a really long time to think about it at every step.  He thought about what it means to divide.  He thought about how it might work.  He wrestled with how it works, and tried different things, and figured out a method of calculating it.
  In school, you don't have time to do that.  Firstly, you don't have time to wonder.  You are told what you are learning and that's that.  Secondly, you are told how to do it.  You aren't given the space and time to sit and really think things through.  You simply don't have the time to sit around thinking about how division might work.  You don't have time to play with it.
  
• Division is going to be really meaningful to him.  He will understand it on a deep, gut level.  It will be part of him.

Oh, and last night Aharon forgot the ך and I told him to practice the sofises, since he stumbles over them.  I know he works on them in his mind at random times during the day, because last week he came to me, eyes shining, and told me that he mastered nun sofis (ן).

I had stuck an aleph beis printout onto the fridge haphazardly a couple of years ago, because I felt that having it in sight might incline them to look at it, and definitely showed the kids that Hebrew reading is a value of ours.  Although the kids use the multiplication chart I have on the fridge frequently, I don't see the aleph beis chart getting a lot of use.

But apparently Aharon has been using it.  This morning he came over to me, and with his eyes glued to the chart, told me that he's working on the ך and the ף.

Day 1 of a 6 month program

Chen started Fast ForWord today.  It's a neuroplasticity program that is supposed to help auditory processing, dyslexia, and working memory.  (Chen tested normally in all 3 categories but functions as if she has problems with working memory.)  Today's work was both boring and somewhat difficult.  "Grueling."  We'll see how it proceeds.

Decision

I decided to do it.  Chen is understandably trepidacious (it is a word) about doing anything for 1.5 hours a day.  Kal V'chomer something that is reportedly "grueling."  But she agreed to try it, mainly because of the seductive possibility that she'll be able to read without rereading 4-7 times, and the possibility that she won't be mentally exhausted from reading, and that maybe she might actually be able to go to college full time.

They agreed that I don't have to commit to the full six months, since they themselves are not sure she is a candidate.  The program manager sounded pretty excited and seems to think she is a good candidate, and is extremely interested to see if the program will help.

So here we go. 

I was thinking how homeschooling (and unschooling especially) tells parents to pay close attention to kids' cues and to adjust the learning to the child.  All these years that Chen has been refusing to read have not been stubbornness, was not a personality thing.  It's neurological. 

Chen wants to start in a couple of days.  Today, when the program manager called to speak to us, Chen was at Dance.  I arranged for her to call back later.  When Chen came home and I told her, Chen was upset because she wanted to take her medication immediately and have two solid hours to work on trigonometry. 

Can you believe that?  My unschooled child, who dropped math in 2009 or so and later told me not to get involved in high school math--she's handling it herself.  Everyone always thinks: If I unschool, they'll just play video games all day.  Even kids themselves think: If I unschool, I would watch youtube and play video games all day.

And yet that is not the case.  Chen, age 17, is raring to go and is so jealously guarding her math time that she was reluctant to interrupt it with a five minute conversation.  (Instead of waiting for the call, she called the program manager right then, and was pleased with the conversation.)

I never cease to be astonished at the magic that is unschooling.

To Do or Not to Do, That is the Question

In May, Chen (grade 12) got a psychoeducational evaluation.  She was diagnosed with severe ADHD.  She has some type of difficulty processing, but she can read letters and words easily.  It is only when they combine to sentences and paragraphs that she has trouble processing what she is reading.

She began medication, which helps tremendously on focus (she went from being able to focus for 15 minutes to being able to focus for 1.5 hours).  However, much to her disappointment, it did not help with her processing difficulties.  She still has to read things many times in order to understand.

I went back and forth with the evaluator, and she explained that this type of processing is a subcategory of ADHD.  It's not a separate processing disorder.  She said they are thinking of making it its own DSM disorder, but thus far have not done so.

In the meantime, last year, I had read about a woman who had designed a whole bunch of brain exercises involving a 16 hour clock and had trained her brain with neuroplasticity to be able to do things where before she had a learning disability.  I recalled this and wondered if Chen's brain could be retrained.  I looked in vain for that article or talk, but was unable to find it.

By coincidence, somebody posted a list of nonfiction books, and one of them was Brain That Changes Itself.  In it was the story of this woman!  It also discussed different neuroplasticity programs.  One is in Canada and another in Australia.  Then in another chapter, it discussed a program called Fast ForWord.  It is very expensive--over $2000.  It is considered a grueling program.  It claims to do brain exercises that will improve processing.  It is a 6 month program for 50-90 minutes a day.

After looking more closely, the main issues they help with are Auditory Processing Disorder, Dyslexia, Autism, and ADHD.  Chen only has ADHD.  But it may be that her particular issues are not what this program addresses.  Chen's Working Memory is average on her neuropsych eval.  This program strengthens Working Memory and auditory processing.  So will this program help?  If her Working Memory was abnormally low, then this program would certainly be suited.  But in this case...Her processing disorder is not a standard processing disorder.

She did the assessment and I spoke to them, and they said that if she hadn't been tested and found that her Working Memory is decent, they would have said that this program will certainly help.  However, knowing from testing that her processing issues are not exactly what this program does, they can't say it will be helpful.  So it is kind of a risk.

On the other hand, the thought that she might be able to read without re-reading and re-reading and growing mentally exhausted is just a wondrous thought.  Is it worth the gamble?

Here are some testimonials.

I am inclined to invest the money in the hope that she could train her brain to process reading more easily.  At the same time, I wonder if I am just one of those desperate people who will pay for hope and ultimately be paying for something that doesn't work.

If anyone has any experience or feedback for me, please reach out to help me make this decision!

V'dibarta Bam

Aharon asked me this morning if Hashem speaks to people using words because He knows that humans invented speech and so is that why He communicates that way?

I wasn't exactly sure what he was getting at.  I realized that a few weeks ago he asked me about who invented language, how language got started.  I gave him a rather paltry summary of linguistics (meaning I told him there is a field of study where people explore these questions), and explained that speech is something that humans can do naturally, but also learn to do.  And how we think speech evolved.

Last week, he asked me how Hashem speaks with no mouth--does He make a mouth?  And clarified (to the extent a 7yo can grasp) non-physicality.  And distinguished between non-physicality vs. non-existence.

At the time, when I was answering those questions, I really had no idea where he was going with this.  It turns out that he's been pondering a lot of philosophical issues. 

When he turned to me this morning, he hit pause on his video game or youtube video to ask me that question. 

One of the things my kids have always said they love about homeschooling is the time to think about things.  A kid his age may appear to be spending a lot of time playing video games or watching youtube videos, but he's also daydreaming and pondering Divine Incorporeality and what exactly prophecy means and how it works.  How can Hashem, who has no body, "touch" or come in contact with the physical world?

I said Hashem doesn't just have to use words; He can also use dreams and images.

These conversations range over the course of weeks and months.  I had no idea when my second grader was asking about language, that he was thinking about Hashem.

My, How Things Have Changed

Things are different now than they were fifteen years ago.  I signed my kids up to go to an Archaeological Dig.  Both the girls attended this program back in the day and thought it was fabulous and so much fun.  It's a great concept: A guy who has actual artifacts from real archaeological sites comes and digs up a backyard, buries his artifacts, and the kids dig them up and learn about that time period.  It's an incredibly hands-on way to learn history.  It was one of the homeschool highlights that my girls enjoyed when they were in the elementary grades, and when I saw it listed I immediately signed up the boys who were the right age for it.

Well, a kid who can't sit through five minutes of talking and another kid who is uncomfortable in new places without his mom are not exactly the best candidates for a week-long drop off program.  I remembered it being pretty hands-on.  But apparently any bit of talking doesn't work for some kids. 

11yo came home furious after the first day that it was boring.  And also, why was it all about avoda zara?  (They were studying Ancient Greece.)

I had to pack them lunch every day.  Ari was kind enough to drive them (and ended up being pretty unhappy about it), and after the first day, they started complaining that they didn't want to do it.  E was pretty much crying today that he didn't want to go.  (Just like real school!)  That it uses up all the time in his day, and it's boring.

Every day they spoke a lot about different things they learned.  Elazar unearthed an entire horse jaw.  He said it was really big.  He asked me about Plato.  I think they learned a ton and will be thinking about a lot of things. 

Overall, though, I'd say יצא שכרו בהפסדו, that the loss cancels the gain.  Elazar was pretty miserable.  And even Jack wasn't overly enthused.

It's kind of shocking that with an unschooling mindset, classes that used to seem amazingly educational and fun in the beginning of my homeschool years, when I was in a more "schoolish" mindset, are really not very enjoyable to my hardcore unschoolers, who are used to not having any sort of learning shoved down their throat whatsoever, and drop any bit of "education" when it is boring or not appealing to them.  Our standards have shifted.

Full Steam Ahead

Aharon, age 7, has been asking to read the aleph bina every night. He's making good progress. I think his motives are to catch up to or be ahead of his older brothers, who only read at avos u'banim. Elazar still dislikes reading at age 11. Moral of the story: unschooling seems to work if you are a little brother in competition. Can't speak about the rest at this time.

Unschooling Reversal

Elazar just dragged me to the computer and we spent almost an hour editing his story.  I so didn't want to do it.  I had a long day.  I didn't want to do "homework."  I wanted to cry and kick and scream and tantrum and be distracted. 

But I'm the grownup.  So we edited.  We laughed.  We added semicolons and capitalized where needed and punctuated properly.

This is the opposite of what happens in school.  Even in homeschool, a lot of times.  Usually the parent is telling the kid to learn.

In unschool, I'm the one dragging my feet and my kids are pulling me to teach them.

v'hagita bo (yomam v') layla

Why does everyone want to learn after my brain turns off for the evening?  By 8pm I am winding down.  By 10pm I am downright cranky.  I frequently go upstairs by 9pm.  Last night I left it til 10 and I was practically growling when I got upstairs. 

Jack still wants to learn a page of Chumash every day so that he can earn a phone.  But he asked me to please not stop so much and ask him comprehension questions.  He said just read it and translate it and don't talk to him.  I was a little sad, because part of what I love best is the interactive part of learning with my children.  But also I think this makes it easier for him to focus on the parts he understands and to skirt over the parts he doesn't.  One thing that Chen taught me with her neurodivergent method of reading comprehension is that there is a benefit to going over the same thing many times, and each time you get another piece, and eventually it contributes to a bigger picture.  Maybe that's how reading the Parsha every week goes.  Over the years, you see it again and again, each time differently. 
I already know that just as Elazar is a kinesthetic learner who learns by immersion and touch, Jack prefers to stay back and observe and perceive.  So it makes sense that he doesn't want interaction.  He actually prefers the passivity of sitting back and listening. 

Something that I've learned in homeschool is to pay close attention when my children give me advice about how they want to learn.  They know.

While I was learning with Jack, Aharon came over and asked if he was going to have to take a turn.  Puzzled, I said not yet.  He cheered.

Then, when I went upstairs after 10, I realized that Aharon often remembers he wants to read Hebrew at 10:30, which is after our deadline and we've been trying very hard to make a clear boundary that after 10:30 we (Ari and I) are in bed and our time is our own.  So I called down to Aharon and asked if he wanted to read.  He did.  His ability with the nekudos and blending is very smooth, but he still has trouble remembering the letters.

And Ari learns mishna with Elazar most nights. 

Last night at 8pm, Elazar dragged me over to the computer to work on editing his story.  We are slowly working through it for grammar, punctuation, and to make sure it all flows and makes sense.  I had a bit of a hard time following it when he first wrote it, so this time I ask questions when I'm missing something and he fills in the information.  I have high hopes of following the plot better this time around.  Also, as he grew, he got more sophisticated.  It's fun to see how he wrote a few years ago compared to now. 

Also, I am finally having some leisure time and have been davening out loud many mornings.  I'm not sure if they pay any attention at all.  Though sometimes I hear Elazar humming the tune.

Compromise

The boys and the neighbors made me a path so that I can walk to the fridge without being annoyed and they can still have a room they don't have to clean up.

I can't say I'm thrilled, but walking in there is certainly more pleasant.

The Difference Between Homeschooling and Unschooling

We've been incorporating more limudei kodesh into our day as the boys get older.  This week has been particularly jampacked as we are trying to gather paperwork for Chen to apply to college.  So some of the daily things I'd been trying to keep up with (Aharon's reading, Jack's Chumash, Elazar's trup and mishna) keep slipping away.

Today, as I was mentally listing all the things I was not doing, it occurred to me that this is a big difference between homeschooling and unschooling.

• In homeschool, I always have a mental list of things I want to be teaching or to get done with the kids
• In unschool, there is no list and nothing that needs to be taught; all I need to do is enjoy them and whatever they are doing and learning and thinking about
  
  
• In homeschool, I have to remember to call them over and make time to coax them to learn
• In unschool, I don't have to think about it at all or remember anything because they come to me and ask me to learn with them
  
  
• In homeschool, when I don't get it done, I fret that it teaches them that we are not prioritizing Torah
• In unschool, I trust that Torah is desirable and they will learn it when they want it
  
  of course I wonder if
• In homeschool, they learn skills and Torah
• In unschool, will they learn??

(Ironically, I write this having spent over an hour with Chen learning Chavakuk because she asked me to.)

Science Class, so to speak

Jack went through a k'nex phase last year where he really enjoyed building things from instructions so we got him a bunch of kits.  He spent hours building them.  He played with them a bit (and then didn't want to break them, hence they were at first hanging out in our guest room in the basement, and then had to be moved when we had guests and are duly stored in the storage room, gathering dust and spiders, but they are still fully built).

 

Now he built Elazar's birthday present.  Elazar got a science kit from my dad for his birthday and Jack spent the afternoon building it with his friend.  I didn't even know we had it in the house.  (PS #konmari is slowly falling apart, especially in the basement where their vision for the space is "we never have to clean it up.")  Then he asked me to check how much money he has in his account, so that he can buy another kit to build.

I checked it out online, and there are a bunch of cute science kits by this brand.  In the unschooling group I read, they make a big point about how when kids are interested in something, and we facilitate it, THAT is the curriculum.  Getting your kids video games when they want is their curriculum.  Getting them a netflix subscription is their curriculum.  Buying them all the lego sets they want that you can afford is their curriculum.

This is a little (a lot) different than my approach which is that my kids earn their electronics and many of their toys. 

I've mentioned before that studies show that being more strict vs. more permissive doesn't really make a significant difference in terms of parenting outcomes. (Too strict and too permissive does cause problems, and different ones from each other.)  So just like classical vs. eclectic styles of homeschooling have different details of outcomes but still both have positive outcomes, different styles of parenting likewise can all come out with happy, healthy children.  So I generally don't stress too much over whether it's better to foster joy and abundance or a stricter sense of responsibility, even though I do ponder the philosophical implications. (I do feel somewhat duty bound to point out that radical unschoolers maintain, and in my experience this is true, that a life of joy and abundance DOES end up with grateful and very responsible adults, and one does not need to impose responsibility on them but that the attitude of respect, concern, and paying attention to their needs ends up fostering caring and responsibility in them.  However, for the sake of this post, let's say that in my mind sometimes I feel like I'm choosing things so my children won't end up spoiled and so that they will have a sense of responsibility, and that although they go against radical unschooling principles, I still feel that it is a legitimate way to raise children.  Just as although I personally do not restrict media, I believe that restricting media is a legitimate parenting choice and can result in happy and healthy children.)

However, in this case, I was not feeling conflict.  Buying Jack a bunch of science electronic and circuitry kits is very definitely science.  And it's a legitimate allocation of curriculum funds. 

The very best thing about this is that I don't have to help him.  One of the big disappointments that I discovered about myself is that I hate science and art projects.  I had accept that I should no longer buy science project kits or science project books because I hate doing them.  I hated admitting that about myself, because I had an image of a crafty, science, project doing homeschool mom.  But that's not me.  So it is super exciting that all I have to do is hand Jack a pile of science kits and he's happily occupied and learning for hours.  With the neighbors--so it's also socialization ;) 

This is about as wonderful as when Chen wanted a $300 video editing software, and after downloading the free version for a month and her using all the time and assuring me she wanted it, we bought it for her.  Because it was basically signing her up for a video editing class except that she taught it to herself and we didn't have to carpool her anywhere.  Win-win!

ADHD

Let it be remembered that in 2018, when E was 11, I was reading a book to him.  It is a book he loves (we are reading the Bruno and Boots series by Gordon Korman, which he didn't like initially but which eventually grew on him).  He asked me to read it to him.  The chapter was six pages long.  In fairly large print.  Reading level of book is 4th or 5th grade.

This is what happened about a minute after I started reading.

I waited until he finished.  Then a couple of minutes later, when he did it again, I recorded him--the above is the 2nd time.  Then, after that, I recorded and paused and recorded and paused and recorded each time he jumped up.  He knew I was recording so I don't even think he was as floppy and intensely sensory seeking as he usually is, since some of his energy was in engaging me.

In homeschool, he can move when he needs to move.  And he needs to move about one minute into doing an "academic" activity.  This is why I have largely found it counterproductive to do any type of learning where I speak and he is "supposed" to sit and listen.

Chen, who is studying neurology, says that his brain doesn't have sufficient dopamine and the movement gives him the dopamine he needs.

Letting go

Jack doesn't seem all that enthused about learning Chumash.  I have to ask him every day.  And I am really not sure how much he's understanding conceptually.  It makes sense to me to stop for now unless he asks me to do it.  So I've decided to not ask him to learn anymore.  Of course I will learn with him if he asks to do it with me.

Chen finished up her bio course and is arranging a proctored test so she can get credit.  She just signed up for neurology from Coursera starting in a couple of days.

She is applying to college soon (not sure if she wants to go or not) and getting all the ducks in a row for college application is tricky.  I'm not sure everything will be ready in time.  I wanted her to apply next year instead, but she spent a lot of time on her essays this summer and doesn't want that to go to waste.  So I'm getting good practice in trying to stay calm and just do the parts that are up to me and not making myself crazy in the process.  I don't like to do things last minute, but Chen is more sanguine about that sort of thing than I am.  I'm doing my best to remain cheerful, positive, helpful, and follow up on all the paperwork that needs collecting.  If it gets done, great.  If not, not. 

The good news is that Chen is happily doing college level work now.  She has so many backup possibilities.  If we don't get her application in on time for the scholarship, she can still apply later not for scholarship.  She can apply next year for scholarship.  She can continue doing college work as she's doing now for a while.  She can apply to other types of training.  She is so young and there are so many opportunities and options.  I am curious to see how this all turns out.

unschooling in action

Jack has been trying to make slime forever.  I looked up some recipes, and Jack tried them, and they kept failing.

Finally, Jack looked it up himself and asked me to buy him something called "slime activator."  So I did.

Voila! Success.  So glad they are getting to the age when they can look up things themselves and my facilitating job is just to buy the stuff.

Succos

You're catching me here in a season of doubt and concern.  As the kids (Elazar really) move on to new intellectual and emotional stages, I fear that unschooling won't work, that leaving things alone is not demonstrating trust that Torah is interesting enough that they will desire it if left alone; instead, I fear that it gives the kids the impression that it is not a priority.

We bought lulav sets for both Jack and Elazar this year.  Jack had one last year (he is careful) and Elazar is now 11. 

At first they were excited.  They made the bracha and were very happy.

I had them go to shul and just go in for hallel.  I love hallel, it's short, there is singing, and there is shaking lulav. 

Well, after one time, the boys were disgusted and dreading it.  Ari and I discussed it and felt that it's not a huge imposition and they should go the second day, too.  By chol hamoed, I just had them make the bracha and we sang the verses of hallel with the shaking and did that.  By the last day, we just bentched lulav and picked it up.  Both expressed relief that it was over.

So here I am, hovering between "it wasn't so burdensome and we were mechanech them" and "this is exactly the opposite effect I wanted for them--instead of loving mitzvos, they didn't like it and are glad to be done with it."

For next year, we can make it optional (and E can pick it up at bar mitzva when he is obligated).  Or we can say, this is what we do now.

Again, I don't think either way will greatly make a difference.  But waffling between two methodologies doesn't sit so well with me, either. (Though I have often found that a lot of parenting is penduluming between extremes, always striving for balance and moderation.)  It really speaks to my general feelings of being insecure about unschooling.  And I do know that unschooling is compromised if there is pressure and nudging.  A child does not really feel free if there are expectations.  A child does not pursue with appetite and joy when being fed things that are not appetizing to them.

It seems to me that pushing a little ends up with both negatives: they don't end up with the chinuch, the skills, the knowledge, the ability.  And they do get a taste of the dread and the dislike.

Yom Kippur with Non-Davening Teen

We are at a stage in chinuch where my teen does not daven.  I wonder if this is something in my parenting because my first teen also stopped davening from age 14-21. (likely not, though.) 

The question is what to do about shul.  What to do about shul on the Yamim Noraim.  On Rosh Hashana she came to shul for shofar on the first day.  I told her to bring the book (by a neurologist who had experienced a stroke) and she sat next to me in shul, and I leaned over and pointed out interesting quotes as they struck me.

Both days were rainy and as we had not set up her sunlamp on a timer and as it is extremely painful for her to get out of bed so early, especially with no sunlamp, we agreed that she had gotten enough out of shul the first day and she slept through shul the second day.  (We hold, by the way, a fairly unusual psak that women are not chayav in shofar because of מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא.  I learned in high school that yes, women are officially patur, but have taken it upon ourselves, and we are chayav. But my Rav holds differently.  Not that this would have necessarily made a difference in my decision to not push a teen.  More on this as the blog goes on over the years, G-d willing, and I have a bunch of teens to raise and not push.)

I asked her what her Yom Kippur would look like if she wasn't taking me and my wants into consideration at all.  She finds the lack of technology for so many days in a row very difficult.  She doesn't like fasting.  Doesn't find meaning in shul. 

She said she'd like to stay home and read all day. 

With a bit of coaxing, she agreed to come to shul at night.  Ordinarily, I wouldn't go for the night.  But she has always been a night owl and functions better at night.  Shul will be less crowded and she will be more alert and in a better mood. 

I also found someone who needs a bit of company on Yom Kippur day.  So when she wakes up, she will visit with them, and do a bit of chessed and keep herself occupied in a pleasant manner.

Just muddling through

I met a psychologist this summer who said he was very interested in ADHD vs. neurotypical people.  He said that ADHD kids absolutely cannot focus when they are not interested.  Other people can focus even if it bores them, but ADHD kids cannot.

In my experience that is true; Elazar starts shredding things and wiggling and I imagine he would devolve into "misbehavior" but in our house we don't really have "misbehavior."  We have "ways of communicating that are clear, straightforward, and understandable" and "other ways of communicating a need or issue."

Suffice it to say that after dragging through part of the leining for one day of Rosh Hashana, Elazar is wiped out and I haven't tried to learn with him again.

Jack, on the other hand, is quite a contrast.  I can see that he is sometimes a bit bored but he is determined to get through the Chumash.  This is very much a personality difference.  I would say a brain difference, a neurological difference.  Yesterday he got a bit bored reading about the different rivers coming out of Eden.  So today I suggested we just do half of a page, since yesterday was emotionally boring.  He agreed.

But then it was so exciting (with the snake, and the tree) that we ended up going through the whole page and part of the next one.

He asked why, if Hashem told them they would die when they ate from the tree, did they not die?  I told him the Ramban's answer.  But I said not everyone agrees and that's a great question, and he should ask Daddy.

I read him the Hebrew and then translate it (either into simple Hebrew if he'll understand it or even into English if he needs it, or most often a hodge-podge).  I wonder if there is a benefit to reading it in Hebrew or if his mind just drifts and waits for the explanation part.  And therefore I'm making it needlessly twice as long.  I wish I had some expert to ask.

I'm just muddling through.

the opposite of unschooling

Jack is learning because he wants to earn a phone.  He spends a lot of time during the learning thinking about how many pages are left in the chumash and how long it will take him to earn it.  He doesn't seem to especially enjoy learning.  However, we have moments of questions or nuances that I love.  I don't know if he loves it. 

I thought Elazar and I had a really nice lesson yesterday.  We did only 2 pesukim (they were long, though).  Bereshis 21:16-17.  Where Hagar went the distance of an arrow shot.  I had Elazar stand and imagine himself with a bow and I kept walking further and further until he estimated how far the arrow would go.

But today he's still reluctant.  He still has the memory of it being boring and hard to sit through. 

I was going to try to go through 4 pesukim today.  But that's too much.  I'm going to go through 2 today and 2 tomorrow.  And then it's already Shabbos, and Sunday is Erev Rosh Hashana and I'll be cooking.  And so I will only get through revi'i of the first day of Rosh Hashana leining.

Yet again, I find that it's important to pare down my expectations when dealing with ADHD.  To make it in small, manageable chunks.  To make it as painless as possible.

2nd day learning portion for RH reading day 1

I had to coax E to learn with me this morning, and promised it wouldn't be too long.  We reviewed the facts from yesterday (Avraham had a son Yitzchak, his other son Yishmael was banished).  He agreed to do 3 pesukim today.  We did them quickly.  He didn't love it.  The whole time he was antsy to get away. 

Hopefully it showed him that it wasn't too painful and he won't mind tomorrow.

This is actually a good example of how when the teacher creates a lesson that is not in line with the student's needs (yesterday), or even possibly outside of the student's capacity, the student can dread learning.

We'll see if the key is manageable chunks.

unschooling and letting go of expectations

Elazar asked if he can explore the storage room.  I said sure. 

He found the human body toy and they played with that.

He just told me he found lots of little legos.

I went down and saw he found the physics "simple machine" lego kits I bought over a decade ago that I never used.

I told them that there are instructions and it's physics.  I'm in conflict--encourage them to use them in the way they were designed to be used?  Or take a chill, pill, and let them enjoy it how they want?

Knowing Elazar, he'd rather scavenge the parts that look good to him to use for whatever project he's doing.  But Jack likes following instructions.

Sure enough, Jack came down to play with the kit and Elazar came upstairs.

limudei kodesh 6th grade

I thought it would be interesting for Elazar to go through a bit of the Torah portion for Rosh Hashana.

Let this be a lesson to you all.  I tried to do too much. 

Pretty much anything you can think of is too much for a kid with ADHD. 

I had already trimmed down my expectations.  Instead of all the themes of Rosh Hashana and the Shemona Esrei of Rosh Hashana, I figured we'll just do some of the Torah Reading.

I wanted to lein the pesukim to him since he's musically inclined, but since I'm not fluent, I knew my stumbling over it slowly would make him antsy, so I decided to read it swiftly.

I wanted to ask him to contribute to translation, but I knew that would make him antsy, so I decided to translate.

He got through the first aliyah (4 pesukim).  We should have stopped there.  I wanted to do 2 aliyot each day and cover both readings in a week.  He didn't make it.  He squirmed on my lap, falling off of it a few times and mostly lying perpendicular to me with his legs straight out.  He lost track of what I was saying.  He stopped listening.

I think my mistake was tying it too closely to the pesukim.  He can handle looking at maybe one or two pesukim closely at a time without a break.  I can either have him think closely about the text of the pasuk, or I can use the five minutes to engage him conceptually, and maybe have a conversation.  I believe that conceptually and mentally he's ready now and sophisticated enough to think about certain ideas. 

Maybe it's the wrong approach to tie it to the pesukim. 

I've been thinking about teaching the akeida to him (2nd day Rosh Hashana leining).  I feel like he'll find it interesting to think about. 

On the other hand, I have been startled before with how unsettled my kids have been about the emotional implications of God telling a parent to kill his child.  When they didn't learn the story in nursery school, it's a bit shocking.  Sticking with the story of Hagar and the angel is probably a safer choice.  We can discuss the akeida in the future.

So I will try again tomorrow.  As much as it's difficult for him to sit, if I try to make the session shorter (shorter than 3 minutes, apparently) and make it a little more discussion oriented, I think he will feel good about being asked if he wants to learn.  I am demonstrating that I think he's of an age where he is mature enough to sit for a few minutes and learn Torah.

And if he says he's not interested, no harm done.

limudei kodesh 4th grade & Hippocratic Parenting

My 4th grader really wants a phone. It's my policy that my kids earn their electronics.  This is against radical unschooling policy, which promotes abundance mentality.  I'm reminded of advice that my mom gave me about 17 years ago, when I had no idea what to do with my infant: "Jessie, it doesn't really matter much either way.  Just make a decision and go with it."

There are a lot of bad decisions I can make as a parent.  Sometimes it takes all of my energy to be what I call a Hippocratic Parent*: a parent that First, Does No Harm.  To simply be kind, to not be aggressive or furious or tense or impose my emotional issues on them.
______
*which is different than a hypocritical parent, which is what I always associate to :-P

But a while back I read an interesting study that moderate parents who incline more towards permissiveness or more towards strictness don't actually make a difference in long term outcomes.  So the choice of raising children with an abundance mentality which inclines them to generosity, vs. the choice of raising children to earn what they get, which inclines them towards appreciation and responsibility, is really just a matter of preference. (Radical unschoolers disagree, and I respect that.)

I'm not an unschooler purist because I do want my children to learn Torah and appreciate Torah. 

And although I can appreciate that radical unschooling has a different attitude towards money and gifts and earning privileges than I do, and it makes a lot of sense, there are things that I like about having kids earning their tablets and phones and laptops.

So Jack wants a phone.  Both girls earned their phones when they finished Chamisha Chumshei Torah.  I have told Jack for years that when he finishes Chumash, he can have a phone. 

The issue is, he doesn't read Hebrew very well.  We haven't done L'shon HaTorah workbooks.  So having him read and translate isn't really an option.

But last week, late at night, he asked me to start learning with him.  So yesterday we did.  I read the first page of the Stone Chumash in Hebrew and translated (mostly Biblical Hebrew to Modern Hebrew, with a few English words thrown in like "hover" for "merachefes").  We asked a lot of questions, like What is Tohu Va'vohu?  How does one divide between light and dark?  What does it mean that the spirit of Elokim was hovering over the deep?  What deep?

I told him that these questions are like riddles and as he gets older, learning Torah is looking for answers to these riddles.  Right now we are doing a first reading.

I forgot how much fun it is to introduce someone to the joy of learning. 

I don't know if he'll keep up with this or not.  I think it probably makes more sense to not push and to let him do it when he wants.  I go back to all throughout High School, I tried doing Bio with Chen.  And we did have quite a few enjoyable Bio learning sessions, even though we never quite learned it as thoroughly as I wished.  But now she wants to take Neuroscience and Bio is the prereq, and I found her an online college level Bio course and she's learning it herself. 

So I don't know how this will play out.  Unschooling continually surprises me and never looks like I thought it would. 

Yamim Noraim Davening

I thought this was going to be an exciting landmark year for me where I get to be in shul the whole time.  The littles are finally old enough to run around and play and take care of themselves!

But I overlooked the need to give my teen a meaningful yom tov.  What to do with a teen who is inclined against davening?

I'm thinking about Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur separately.  Rosh Hashana she agreed to come hear shofar.  (I just paused to message her the Rambam on shofar, which I'm sure I've taught her in the past.)  I'd like her to read and think about some of the musaf, but odds are unless it comes up as a discussion, she will not be inclined to read the machzor.  This is one of those times that the more my mind is engaged in the themes of Rosh Hashana, the more likely that there will conversations with my children about it.

For Yom Kippur, I asked her what she'd like her Yom Kipput to look like.  She mostly evaded the question but did mention a song that she likes to hear in shul.  So we will try to figure out around what time that will occur.  We still have to think about a way to make the day pass in some sort of not painful and possibly meaningful manner.  This may mean me just going to shul for shacharis and spending a great deal of the day in conversation with her.

Unschooling Ivrit

Something that is one of the zanier things I've done is chosen to speak to my kids in Hebrew despite it not being my native language.  I don't know some words, my grammar (though improved) is nowhere near perfect, my accent is atrocious, I don't use idiomatic expressions, I speak very slowly, and have trouble conveying sophisticated concepts to them.  They have difficulty understanding Israelis.

On the plus side, they are all comfortable with basic Hebrew.  They will probably easily be able to speak in Israel.  My older two are comfortable in Israel and understand it (though my oldest hesitates to speak).  When they start Chumash, they are familiar with a great deal of the words.  They have a fairly decent basic Hebrew vocabulary that they learned with no pain.

My three little ones can barely read Hebrew yet, so they haven't started skills work inside.  We will see how that emerges.  They are 6th, 4th, and 2nd grade.  My 4th grader has expressed an interest so I hope to try to get started with him.

My second child is something of a polyglot.  She asked for Japanese lessons, which I acquired for her via skype for 3 years, then she asked me to buy her a Japanese textbook, which I did, and then she traveled to Japan twice.  She took a college course in Russian (got an A, her first college course), and she is teaching herself Dutch.

My oldest (married already) started teaching herself Korean using dualingo and seems to be getting fairly fluent.

I've always kind of wondered how Hebrew language unschooling could work.  Bear in mind that it might work "better" in the case I'm describing because this child has a natural aptitude for and enjoyment of languages.

We put Hebrew font on all of her devices and I text and chat in Hebrew as much as possible. 

I bought her Harry Potter in Hebrew at her request and I bought her R' Winder workbooks for older kids at her request.  To my knowledge she has not used them whatsoever.

I did read about some book which was supposed to be AMAZING about acquiring language by an opera singer who needed to learn German and Italian for operas or something like that.  I bought her the book and she did read a lot of it and said it was incredibly helpful.

She went to a Zionist camp with actual Israelis and she joined their whatsapp group and they were thrilled that she can communicate in Hebrew. 

She started translating songs they shared with her.  Many times a day she asks me what phrases mean.

She joined something called discord which has sections for all sorts of interests and went into the languages section and into the Hebrew section and is chatting with people there.

What is interesting from the standpoint of unschooling is that language acquisition looks NOTHING like it does in an academic setting.  You can be "behind" for years and then quickly spend hours and months on it and acquire tremendous skills.  The acquisition is fun and exciting.  There is a risk it will not be acquired to the level the parent would wish for.  But in unschooling, we have trust that knowledge is fun and useful and able to be acquired at any time, at any age, as needed or wanted.

Unschooling and Judaic Studies

I've had some things on my mind regarding Elazar's education.  He recently turned 11, which felt to me like he was "getting bigger" and could maybe have the maturity of starting to work up to things he is going to need for his bar mitzva.

Earlier this year, he wanted to learn how to read hamapil and has been happily practicing a line a day.  I'm trying to think how long it's been since we started--maybe a few months.  He still isn't quite finished.  In fact, it's taking him a lot longer to get fluent at reading than I thought it would.  I believe it's because he isn't all that motivated.

I think that I'm doing him a disservice by asking him to read a bit every day.  He doesn't object, but he doesn't love it and he's not picking it up nearly as quickly as I thought he would.  (I believe this is because he doesn't enjoy it very much and also because he is lacking fire to badly want to read/be a literate Jew/daven.)  I do think he'd be better off if I left it alone and waited until he was interested.  When would he be interested?  12?  13 before his bar mitzva?  16?  25?

I simply don't have the guts to wait it out.  Ari has expressed that he thinks he will never do it if we don't nudge him.  I really don't believe that.  Deep in my heart, I believe that Torah is good, that it is enticing, and that he would turn to it eventually to discover what it's all about, and at that time, he would learn to read and translate very quickly.

But alas.  He is our first son, and we don't have the courage.

I'm hopeful that our youngest might be left alone for longer, that we will have more trust in unschooling by then, and that he will have the pleasure of picking it up quickly and smoothly when he wants to.  (However, as we were blessed with sons with very little spacing, I'm not sure how much time we'll actually have to actually let that play out.)

*****

We looked up Elazar's bar mitzva parsha, and it's the longest leining.  The. Longest. Leining.  Not great for an ADHD child.  I have a fantasy that my sons will lein the whole parsha, the whole haftora, and daven musaf, just like my brothers did.  Well, Ari didn't grow up that way, and thinks that puts insane and unnecessary pressure on bar mitzva boys.  Good thing he's in charge.

I feel that in the birthdays before bar/bat mitzva, children have an awareness that halachic adulthood is coming up.  They are excited about it and excited to embrace some of their halachic responsibilities.  To me, it's a good time to harness that excitement and get on the chinuch bandwagon to gently introduce things they'll have a chiyuv for after bar mitzva.

I thought maybe Elazar could start going to mincha.  I wouldn't ask him to do shacharis.  He still can't sit for five minutes.  But I thought mincha is short.  I asked him how he felt about that, and we discussed upgrading his computer if he went for 3 or 4 months, and he didn't seem opposed.

However, he really is having difficulty reading.  If he could read and follow along, it might make sense.  But it seems that having him go to mincha would merely be an exercise in discipline and self control for him.  And not a spiritual activity.  And while I think he's old enough to be capable of that and capable of tolerating the discomfort that would cause him, since it wouldn't actually be a meaningful davening experience, I don't quite see the point.  (I was looking to see if I ever wrote about it but I can't find it.  How I've seen Elazar spontaneously take 3 steps and bow and ask Hashem for things in his own words.)  It might regulate him to davening and it might get him to feel part of the community.  But it also might be unnecessarily painful and be one of the reasons he eventually doesn't daven.

*****

So, in summary, Elazar's getting closer to bar mitzva.  I'm simultaneously thinking that emotionally he's getting into a mindset where he is receptive to chinuch.  AND that educationally (ADHDwise) he is still incapable/unmotivated regarding the academics required for swathes of that chinuch.  Which leaves me wondering how much to nudge and how much to wait and see.

I'm definitely in a different parenting place than I was with my older children.  With them, it would have been unthinkable for me to not be firmly emphasizing how it all has to be done in time for bar mitzva.

But I've been through two teenagers and have the battle scars.  ברוך שפטרני Baruch Shepetarani (the blessing the father makes at bar mitzva: blessed that I am now no longer obligated) may happen at bar mitzva but parenting still happens through the teen years.  And I am definitely approaching the teen years differently (and less stridently) now that I'm more experienced.

As always, I do the best I can with the information I have at the time, and hope that I can continue to learn, continue to adjust to new information, and to be receptive to what my child is telling me about his needs.

ADHD and medication

Half days of camp worked out very well for Aharon.  He had a great time after some adjustment. 

Chen has been doing Bio every day.  I don't know if I updated about Chen.  I got her a psychoeducational evaluation because she was having trouble even with time and a half for testing and wanted double time.  It turns out she has severe ADHD, both in terms of hyperactivity and inattention.  She also has trouble processing.  It's not one of the usual processing disorders.  I did a bit of research and most types of visual processing are related to the inability to make sense of the letters or to decode words.  Chen can see all the letters and read words very quickly.  But when the words are strung together, by the time she gets to the end of the sentence, she has lost the thread of the beginning of the sentence.  So then she has to reread it.  The evaluator said she watched Chen read some things SEVEN times before she understood it enough to move forward.

I was actually pretty shocked about the hyperactivity.  Yeah, sure, I knew she was "active."  Lots of the kids in my extended family for generations are "active."  But since she has always had freedom of movement and didn't have to sit for extended periods of time and has always been able to take a break when she needs to, I never experienced her as hyperactive.  Also, compared to Elazar, who actually starts literally climbing things and breaking things if forced to sit still, Chen being a bit wriggly or needing to quietly pace never struck me as "hyperactive."

The inattention I was well aware of.  Chen has never been able to concentrate for more than 15 minutes.  In unschool, we addressed this by stopping when she wanted to stop.  She took and takes a lot of breaks.  (Obviously this became an issue for testing, which is why I ended up taking her to evaluated.)  I had always thought that this would be the kind of thing she would either outgrow or work around with maturity as she grew older.
As she took college courses last year, one per semester, and was able to get As in them, I felt she was maturing into college level work but not at the pace that I had hoped for.  It seemed possible that in 2 or 3 more years (she's heading into senior year of high school now) she would be able to take more than one college course without being wiped out emotionally for the rest of the day.  But maybe not.

Chen urged me to take her for ADHD medication.  I was hesitant but felt that at 17, she was old enough and mature enough to make that kind of decision and felt that if she wanted it, she deserved to give it a try.

As she fought through the side effects to find a pill that had the least side effects for her, it became clear that it helped her markedly.  She is so thrilled to have something that allows her to concentrate for a couple of hours a day (she's taking a low dose of immediate release, so she gets a short burst for just a few hours, which is all you need in homeschool to accomplish a lot).

I wondered if maybe I was wrong all these years to not have her evaluated earlier and not have her on medication earlier. 

But I don't think so.  As I spoke with the evaluator about recommendations for students with Chen's level of learning disability, it turns out that intuitively I have been giving her all of the recommended accommodations.  Because she has been able to choose her studies and when and for how long, and because she has had the time to read and reread as much as she needs, she has been happily and excitedly learning, with none of the stress, pain, self-doubt, anxiety or frustration that often accrues to students suffering from ADHD.  Her education has been a beautiful, fruitful, and fascinating adventure.

Regarding whether or not she would have been better off starting medication earlier, I think it makes sense that she started it when she herself was feeling the frustration of not being able to concentrate and when she herself desired the ability to focus for longer. 

Might she have accumulated more knowledge and information had she been on medication earlier?  Maybe, maybe not.  She has learned a lot and a lot of very unusual things.  One of the tenets of unschooling is that there is a trust that a person can always find a way to learn something they are interested in learning, at any point that they want to learn it.  So there is no rush to "get it in."  If you don't learn math and then at age 35 you become interested in math, then you find a class or a person or a book or a website to help you learn math.

The only way that this has altered my plans for Elazar (whom I'm sure has ADHD) is that I'll be more forceful in trying to get him an IEP when he gets to high school (I tried with Chen, but because she was always doing grade level work, she didn't qualify).  And he will be aware of how medication is helping Chen, so we will pursue that when he becomes interested, if he becomes interested.  I believe that we will continue the same path of unschooling for him and not medicate him so that he can sit and focus for the classic high school curriculum.  Unless he asks for that.

A's story

A's socialization has a long and complicated history.  He's the youngest of 3 boys.  He fights to keep up, making him the strongest and most determined.  He's also frequently left out on the block.  For many years, when he was 2-4, I was pretty sad about how he had nobody to play with.  I would have sent him to preschool but he was very aggressive and angry at ages 3-4 (maybe because he was unhappy, but I didn't think school would help).  Eventually at around age 6.5 he became utterly delightful.  And things the year or so before that shifted around socially--some neighbors became old enough to play with him, some other kids shifted socially to older kids, leaving the younger kids they used to play with (who were older than A) looking to younger kids for socialization.  An older kid ended up having a new baby and really enjoyed horsing around with A in an aggressively playful way that A adored and that the baby couldn't tolerate.

So this past year+, A's socialization has not been much of a concern for me and he hasn't been so miserable.  I thought a lot about that, since I remember how terribly I worried and agonized about his socialization.  It's important for me to realize how things can shift and things do change for the better in these situations.

In the winter, when A said that he wanted to go to camp for only one month, I figured he knows what it's like after last year, and if he wants it, fine.

He came home happy the first day.  But then he didn't want to go the second day.  He cried himself to sleep.  (It's only in the last month that he stopped crying himself to sleep.  I don't know if I posted about that...I just stopped to check and I found a draft from January that says: "You know why I hate bedtime? Because it's not sweetness and sunshine and cuddling and intimate conversation.")

The next day I said go for half the day.  He did.  He came home and said it was great.  I said, OK, you'll go half days.  He started backpedaling: It's not great.  It was okay.  No, it was terrible, awful.  He's not going.

He cried and cried.  He cried and begged and said I can't make him go.

Then he cried more at night.

I began to think, like last year, if it's so horrible, that he shouldn't go.  Why torture him?

But I was in conflict.

He was happy when he came home.  He said it was ok.  I get that the learning and davening was boring for him, but if he skips that, it didn't seem so bad.

Also, he has expressed that he wants more friends.  Maybe he should give it some more time?

He cried himself to sleep again last night.  I spent the evening pondering over whether his intense negative reaction means that I should let him stay home, or if the things he is upset about are things we should try to work through, and it would be beneficial for him to go.

This morning, first thing he said when he woke up is that he's not going to camp and I can't make him.

We made a list. (It turns out it's a challenge to make a list when I speak Hebrew and he can't read Hebrew)

My side and his side.
My side says that he needs time to make friends, I paid the money and he said it was OK and not horrible, I think that he needs time to adjust and he will get more comfortable, and he likes arts&crafts, swimming, and ball.

His side says that the other kids don't play with him, he's homesick, it's boring, and it's long.

He told me that we both have 4 points, and his points are way better than my points.  I told him that I thought my 4 points were pretty convincing.

Then we began to talk about him not having friends and the other kids not playing with him.  We've been talking a lot about that over the past few months because his hot-headedness, sore loserness, and refusal to accept when he's out, coupled with his younger age, have not been endearing him to the gang in the playground.  I had suggested in the past that he try to walk off the field if they tell him he's out, and see if that makes them more inclined to allow him to join the game.
I've really been wanting him to have the opportunity to play with peers.  He's constantly the youngest (a negative of being homeschooled in the social environment on our block) and I think he would shine with peers.

So we spoke about making friends and talking to people.  I asked him if he wanted me to google "how to make friends."  He did, and I googled "how to make friends age 7."  The first 8 hits were article for me, and not that useful, but the 9th, a wikihow with pictures, was the jackpot.

https://www.wikihow.com/Make-New-Friends-at-School

I went through a bunch of the pictures and discussed different ways to make friends.  I wrote down (you can see in the picture in the bottom right): make eye contact, smile, don't act nervous.

Then we role played a bit, with me smiling or him smiling and not smiling and seeing if it felt different to be smiled at or not smiled at.

He said, "but they didn't read the article!"  I tried to explain that the article was writing what was already true.  I'm not sure how much he understood that.

I told him firmly that I was making him go, and that he doesn't have to go next summer, and that he can go only half the day.  He fought it a bit, but when he got upset, I turned the conversation to his nervousness about making friends, and he calmed down each time.  Which maybe means that I'm on the right track and that's the issue, in which case he should keep going and try to make some progress there.

He threw things at me, which I converted to a game of catch, and he gradually got ready to go, and he went.

Ari took him and came back and reported that as soon as he went, a couple of kids came over to talk to him.  But A is extremely shy.  So shy he can't make eye contact, or answer them, or smile at them.

I said, "That's so funny you mention those things.  Those are exactly what I told him to do this morning." And I showed him the picture.

But he said that he was unable to do them because of extreme shyness.

It's interesting that since he's homeschooled, I actually had no idea that he was that shy.  He's not like my shy child who is so shy even around me and who told me when he was four years old that "I can only speak to people I love."  A has always been perfectly able to talk to people and has gone off places on his own.  I didn't realize he was feeling so paralyzed socially.  No wonder he's stressed and unhappy.

I found this post from August 2017 in drafts

So I thought camp was going well.  Camp is going well.  6yo was happy.  He's the child that I often felt would do well in school.  He doesn't have sitting issues.  He likes to learn the way that schools teach.  He is social.  He's not shy or nervous.

The only reason I didn't send him to preschool (aside from the $7-9,000 price tag) is that he was a rather intense toddler who had lots of tantrums and violent behavior.  He kicked, hit, and bit.  I felt that this behavior is difficult for the preschool classroom and was not sure that the teachers would handle it in a way that was effective and at the same time not shaming.  (Heck, I barely skated by on the skin of my teeth on that goal, so I was reluctant to foist it on the preschool teachers with 20 other kids in the room.)  But he grew up, he wants friends, and I thought camp was a great environment for that.

He's learning, he's davening, he has friends.  Camp is lovely.

Except when he doesn't want to go.  And complains that it's boring.  And he has to sit for so long.

This morning, he said he doesn't want to go to camp anymore.  It's been like that--some days he goes happily, some days he says he doesn't want to go anymore.  Today, he started throwing things at me.  His shoes, a large lego, a puzzle.

It occurred to me that he's throwing things at me because he feels that I'm not hearing him.  And he's saying that he doesn't want to go.

I was planning to send him only a half-day today because it's Friday and we want to avoid traffic.

****

Postscript to this: He began getting stomachaches.  So badly that I took him to the doctor.  There was nothing physical wrong. He began crying he didn't want to go.  So after a fantastic year at camp last year, and a fantastic first month this year, he stayed home for the second month.  I felt a lot of things

• like a failure because her kid can't hack daycamp
• grateful that I don't send him to school because what if he was crying like this every day about school and was so miserable and I thought about the stress of all those parents who cope with this with their children regularly
• glad that I could just pull him out of camp and this whole issue went away
• secretly fearful that the problem is me/my homeschooling/my child/my parenting rather than it being just "not a match"

He wanted to go to camp again this summer.  For just one month.  So I signed him up.  And...

Feeling like a failure

I'm an experienced homeschooler.  I cannot emphasize just how experienced I am.  One of my kids finished college, another is almost done with high school.  (Actually, I'm not super experienced at boy homeschooling, considering my oldest boy isn't bar mitzva yet.)  I have been homeschooling for almost twenty years. 

Homeschoolers often find themselves against going against "common wisdom."  Kids need to know things or do things by a certain age.  Kids need to suffer certain things or they'll never be able to do it as an adult.  Kids need to [learn to sit for hours, tolerate boring learning for hours, be able to do hours of tasks that they hate, etc] so that they'll be able to function as adults.

It takes courage to keep walking a different path when people around you tell you that what you're doing is harmful.  Even if your own mind (and experience!) tell you that your path is a good path, it can be difficult.

I'm always amazed by how fragile my confidence is.  Years of positivity can be undermined.

Last week, one of my kids was at a birthday party and got into fights with the kids there.  I'm still feeling badly about that.  Worrying about his social abilities.  On one hand, I know that this is an issue (he's gotten into conflicts like this before) and I appreciate that homeschooling a) minimizes these situations and b) gives me the chance to walk him through these incidents while I'm on hand.
On the other hand, it is always disquieting to see your child be so miserable socially (tears, misunderstanding his contribution to the dynamic). 

Riding the coat tails of that, the boys started camp this week. 

I looked to see if I ended up discussing what happened with A last summer.  I can't find it at the moment.  I think it needs its own blog post.

But first let's discuss J, going into 4th grade.  His Rebbe called to discuss him after the first day.  Let's remember that J was homesick two years ago and didn't make it through the first week of camp.  He's been psyching himself up for two years now, and is trying it out for a week. 

I had told the boys that the way that we homeschool, the other kids are going to know things that they know, and that they will do that sort of thing closer to their bar mitzvas.

The Rebbe was perplexed that J couldn't do basic things like find the perek and the pasuk.  That during davening, he didn't turn the pages of the siddur.

I explained that homeschooling is a different educational approach and that most of their Torah at this age is Torah She-baal peh.  The Rebbe walked me through all the types of learning and davening and we came to agreements about what that would mean for J.  i.e. he would not call on J, would not ask him to write on the board, would visually keep an eye out in case J wants to participate but would not expect him to do the work.  It was a lovely conversation.

I explained to J that the Rebbe wouldn't call on him and he can turn pages in the siddur when he sees the other boys doing it and stand up and sit down when they do.

But J came home on the 2nd day of camp and said he just wants to go after davening and learning.  I said ok. 

I thought J would be ok for that part of camp, but it's ok if he doesn't want to.

This actually sparked a conversation between me and Ari.  Ari said, "Of course he doesn't want to sit there and learn.  It's boring." And we wondered whether the boys actually would ever be interested in learning Torah if we unschool it. 

I know that the unschoolers I've spoken to say yes.  And in my own heart, I believe that as teenagers, they can learn quickly and efficiently if they want to.  But it's definitely hard to feel comfortable when your almost 4th grader can barely read Hebrew and can't hack summer camp learning.

One thing I am realizing.  Everyone keeps saying that "camp is not school."  In the sense that camp is more relaxed than school.  Which is definitely true.  But when you unschool, camp is definitely longer and more structured than homeschool.  And when you have kids who are not used to doing activities that bore them, they don't have a high tolerance for it.

Another point I'm pondering is that maybe this camp is not best for my family.  They've been wonderful.  They are unbelievably flexible.  They are kind, considerate and thoughtful.  They are close--their playground is the playground across the street from my house, which helps my little ones feel they are in familiar territory.

But maybe a different camp with less learning would be better for them.

On the other hand, maybe being anywhere from 9:30-3:30 would make them unhappy, and I'd be paying more to have the same conflicts and arguments.

Onward to A's camp experience.

No Ball Playing In the House

I am at the stage of life where I have the same thought numerous times a day.  And that thought is: Do I really need to tell them to stop throwing that ball in the house?  What are the odds something will actually break?  And if it does (light fixture, computer, speaker, window, picture frame), how expensive is it?  Maybe it's worth letting them play ball in the house?

Bounce.  Bounce.  Bounce.  The ball thuds off the walls.  And I keep my mouth shut.

A couple of weeks ago, when I objected to their game because of the amount of breakables out, they cleaned off all the glasses and dishes off of the dining room table and then played ball.

I searched for my post about saying Yes instead of saying No and I found it.  Ick.  I had blocked that out, I guess.

I was about to hit "post" and a ball smacked me in the face.  Luckily, it's one of those lightweight balls.

Yeah, we still homeschool in the summer

This is a lot what unschooling is like, all year round.  It's about having no particular plans, every day being sort of like vacation, and buying a ton of ices if the kids want them.

This atmosphere actually ends up being very fertile and productive.  And fun and relaxed. 

This and that

Lots going on now.  Testing is finished.  I'm in the middle of a massive psychoeducational diagnosis situation with Chen, which I'll write all about when we get the results.  It's taking months and I look forward to having it all wrapped up tidily with a bow.  Hahaha.

***

Elazar handled a customer chat situation (he was the customer) this morning about a t-shirt he tried to design and buy, but it turned out that he wanted to use a character from Undertale which is trademarked.  So apparently he is capable of reading, comprehending, and responding on a fairly adult level.  Basic competence in society--check.

***

Elazar asked my husband to learn mishna at 10:50pm last night.  Despite us trying to have a stern policy of our doors closing at 10:30pm, my husband couldn't find it in his heart to refuse him.

***

The other day, Chen was on the couch and she asked me what an isosceles triangle is.  I told her it's a triangle with 2 equal sides.  Then I asked if she was watching the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend's Triangle Song because unschoolers frequently look up things because they come across them.  And that's how they learn.

"No," she told me.  "I'm studying for the ACTs."  😆

Gaming helps writing skillz

I sat Aharon down to supervise a thank you note and was absolutely floored at how quickly that first grader can type.  Apparently, playing Roblox so much of the day has helped.  While he plays, he also types messages to people in order to coordinate the multiplayer game that they are all involved in.

He doesn't type faster than most teens I know.  But he does type faster than many adults I know.