A's story

A's socialization has a long and complicated history.  He's the youngest of 3 boys.  He fights to keep up, making him the strongest and most determined.  He's also frequently left out on the block.  For many years, when he was 2-4, I was pretty sad about how he had nobody to play with.  I would have sent him to preschool but he was very aggressive and angry at ages 3-4 (maybe because he was unhappy, but I didn't think school would help).  Eventually at around age 6.5 he became utterly delightful.  And things the year or so before that shifted around socially--some neighbors became old enough to play with him, some other kids shifted socially to older kids, leaving the younger kids they used to play with (who were older than A) looking to younger kids for socialization.  An older kid ended up having a new baby and really enjoyed horsing around with A in an aggressively playful way that A adored and that the baby couldn't tolerate.

So this past year+, A's socialization has not been much of a concern for me and he hasn't been so miserable.  I thought a lot about that, since I remember how terribly I worried and agonized about his socialization.  It's important for me to realize how things can shift and things do change for the better in these situations.

In the winter, when A said that he wanted to go to camp for only one month, I figured he knows what it's like after last year, and if he wants it, fine.

He came home happy the first day.  But then he didn't want to go the second day.  He cried himself to sleep.  (It's only in the last month that he stopped crying himself to sleep.  I don't know if I posted about that...I just stopped to check and I found a draft from January that says: "You know why I hate bedtime? Because it's not sweetness and sunshine and cuddling and intimate conversation.")

The next day I said go for half the day.  He did.  He came home and said it was great.  I said, OK, you'll go half days.  He started backpedaling: It's not great.  It was okay.  No, it was terrible, awful.  He's not going.

He cried and cried.  He cried and begged and said I can't make him go.

Then he cried more at night.

I began to think, like last year, if it's so horrible, that he shouldn't go.  Why torture him?

But I was in conflict.

He was happy when he came home.  He said it was ok.  I get that the learning and davening was boring for him, but if he skips that, it didn't seem so bad.

Also, he has expressed that he wants more friends.  Maybe he should give it some more time?

He cried himself to sleep again last night.  I spent the evening pondering over whether his intense negative reaction means that I should let him stay home, or if the things he is upset about are things we should try to work through, and it would be beneficial for him to go.

This morning, first thing he said when he woke up is that he's not going to camp and I can't make him.

We made a list. (It turns out it's a challenge to make a list when I speak Hebrew and he can't read Hebrew)

My side and his side.
My side says that he needs time to make friends, I paid the money and he said it was OK and not horrible, I think that he needs time to adjust and he will get more comfortable, and he likes arts&crafts, swimming, and ball.

His side says that the other kids don't play with him, he's homesick, it's boring, and it's long.

He told me that we both have 4 points, and his points are way better than my points.  I told him that I thought my 4 points were pretty convincing.

Then we began to talk about him not having friends and the other kids not playing with him.  We've been talking a lot about that over the past few months because his hot-headedness, sore loserness, and refusal to accept when he's out, coupled with his younger age, have not been endearing him to the gang in the playground.  I had suggested in the past that he try to walk off the field if they tell him he's out, and see if that makes them more inclined to allow him to join the game.
I've really been wanting him to have the opportunity to play with peers.  He's constantly the youngest (a negative of being homeschooled in the social environment on our block) and I think he would shine with peers.

So we spoke about making friends and talking to people.  I asked him if he wanted me to google "how to make friends."  He did, and I googled "how to make friends age 7."  The first 8 hits were article for me, and not that useful, but the 9th, a wikihow with pictures, was the jackpot.

https://www.wikihow.com/Make-New-Friends-at-School

I went through a bunch of the pictures and discussed different ways to make friends.  I wrote down (you can see in the picture in the bottom right): make eye contact, smile, don't act nervous.

Then we role played a bit, with me smiling or him smiling and not smiling and seeing if it felt different to be smiled at or not smiled at.

He said, "but they didn't read the article!"  I tried to explain that the article was writing what was already true.  I'm not sure how much he understood that.

I told him firmly that I was making him go, and that he doesn't have to go next summer, and that he can go only half the day.  He fought it a bit, but when he got upset, I turned the conversation to his nervousness about making friends, and he calmed down each time.  Which maybe means that I'm on the right track and that's the issue, in which case he should keep going and try to make some progress there.

He threw things at me, which I converted to a game of catch, and he gradually got ready to go, and he went.

Ari took him and came back and reported that as soon as he went, a couple of kids came over to talk to him.  But A is extremely shy.  So shy he can't make eye contact, or answer them, or smile at them.

I said, "That's so funny you mention those things.  Those are exactly what I told him to do this morning." And I showed him the picture.

But he said that he was unable to do them because of extreme shyness.

It's interesting that since he's homeschooled, I actually had no idea that he was that shy.  He's not like my shy child who is so shy even around me and who told me when he was four years old that "I can only speak to people I love."  A has always been perfectly able to talk to people and has gone off places on his own.  I didn't realize he was feeling so paralyzed socially.  No wonder he's stressed and unhappy.