Feeling like a failure

I'm an experienced homeschooler.  I cannot emphasize just how experienced I am.  One of my kids finished college, another is almost done with high school.  (Actually, I'm not super experienced at boy homeschooling, considering my oldest boy isn't bar mitzva yet.)  I have been homeschooling for almost twenty years. 

Homeschoolers often find themselves against going against "common wisdom."  Kids need to know things or do things by a certain age.  Kids need to suffer certain things or they'll never be able to do it as an adult.  Kids need to [learn to sit for hours, tolerate boring learning for hours, be able to do hours of tasks that they hate, etc] so that they'll be able to function as adults.

It takes courage to keep walking a different path when people around you tell you that what you're doing is harmful.  Even if your own mind (and experience!) tell you that your path is a good path, it can be difficult.

I'm always amazed by how fragile my confidence is.  Years of positivity can be undermined.

Last week, one of my kids was at a birthday party and got into fights with the kids there.  I'm still feeling badly about that.  Worrying about his social abilities.  On one hand, I know that this is an issue (he's gotten into conflicts like this before) and I appreciate that homeschooling a) minimizes these situations and b) gives me the chance to walk him through these incidents while I'm on hand.
On the other hand, it is always disquieting to see your child be so miserable socially (tears, misunderstanding his contribution to the dynamic). 

Riding the coat tails of that, the boys started camp this week. 

I looked to see if I ended up discussing what happened with A last summer.  I can't find it at the moment.  I think it needs its own blog post.

But first let's discuss J, going into 4th grade.  His Rebbe called to discuss him after the first day.  Let's remember that J was homesick two years ago and didn't make it through the first week of camp.  He's been psyching himself up for two years now, and is trying it out for a week. 

I had told the boys that the way that we homeschool, the other kids are going to know things that they know, and that they will do that sort of thing closer to their bar mitzvas.

The Rebbe was perplexed that J couldn't do basic things like find the perek and the pasuk.  That during davening, he didn't turn the pages of the siddur.

I explained that homeschooling is a different educational approach and that most of their Torah at this age is Torah She-baal peh.  The Rebbe walked me through all the types of learning and davening and we came to agreements about what that would mean for J.  i.e. he would not call on J, would not ask him to write on the board, would visually keep an eye out in case J wants to participate but would not expect him to do the work.  It was a lovely conversation.

I explained to J that the Rebbe wouldn't call on him and he can turn pages in the siddur when he sees the other boys doing it and stand up and sit down when they do.

But J came home on the 2nd day of camp and said he just wants to go after davening and learning.  I said ok. 

I thought J would be ok for that part of camp, but it's ok if he doesn't want to.

This actually sparked a conversation between me and Ari.  Ari said, "Of course he doesn't want to sit there and learn.  It's boring." And we wondered whether the boys actually would ever be interested in learning Torah if we unschool it. 

I know that the unschoolers I've spoken to say yes.  And in my own heart, I believe that as teenagers, they can learn quickly and efficiently if they want to.  But it's definitely hard to feel comfortable when your almost 4th grader can barely read Hebrew and can't hack summer camp learning.

One thing I am realizing.  Everyone keeps saying that "camp is not school."  In the sense that camp is more relaxed than school.  Which is definitely true.  But when you unschool, camp is definitely longer and more structured than homeschool.  And when you have kids who are not used to doing activities that bore them, they don't have a high tolerance for it.

Another point I'm pondering is that maybe this camp is not best for my family.  They've been wonderful.  They are unbelievably flexible.  They are kind, considerate and thoughtful.  They are close--their playground is the playground across the street from my house, which helps my little ones feel they are in familiar territory.

But maybe a different camp with less learning would be better for them.

On the other hand, maybe being anywhere from 9:30-3:30 would make them unhappy, and I'd be paying more to have the same conflicts and arguments.

Onward to A's camp experience.