tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43018452153409758272024-03-13T15:05:47.252-07:00homeschool chumasharijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.comBlogger941125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-53494214927830913632022-09-21T09:14:00.001-07:002022-09-21T09:14:08.507-07:00The Difficulty with Tefila<p>Is it a good year for more intensive chinuch? Every year I wonder how Torah learning is going to play out. I want to continue the philosophy of them being able to choose to refuse. And I also want to make sure that we are being mechanech that we value Torah learning. Walking that line without forcing or pressuring or panicking is not easy. </p><p>I don't keep track of their grades, but I think we are in middle school and early high school now. </p><p>Since davening is a challenge for all of them, we decided to incentivize shul this year for Rosh Hashana. We made deals for them to come for the silent and repetition of mussaf. (Generally the majority of them sleep late in the morning and we have better luck with mincha/maariv than shacharis, both because of the ADHD length factor and the teenage late circadian rhythm factor). I was going to get them some fancy game like Mario Kart that they are reluctant to buy for themselves because of the expense. But they all end up preferring the matching amount in cash. We haggled through Shabbos lunch a couple of weeks ago, debating whether haggling about money on Shabbos was allowed (we decided it was like doing an auction at shul). I told them to negotiate an incentive that will make them feel excited to go to shul. Like they are earning something they're excited about and it's a worthwhile deal. I don't want them going to shul thinking they are getting the short end of the deal.</p><p>I also got them to agree to sit down with me for 7 minutes Mon-Thur so we can go through the mussaf Shemona Esrei together, so they have some idea of what they are saying, what the words mean and what the themes are.</p><p>Even 7 minutes has been a challenge, and reminds me why I unschool. (As one of them snarkily remarked about the daily 7 minutes: "We aren't unschooling anymore because I don't want to do this.") They are all close enough in age/ability that it's almost like a little classroom. They are all squirmy and reluctant.</p><div>One of them said, "Why can't I just read the English in shul?" I said you absolutely can. But without preparation, you aren't really going to understand the English. Even the English is complicated. Which we saw as we sat down to read it together.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've been trying to give them a sense of the structure of the mussaf. It really is amazing how quickly they can get bored, how difficult it is go through the words, and how complex the phrases are.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can really see why tefila is so arduous and meaningless for them. I hope at the end of these few weeks they'll have a sense of the themes and some of what they are saying. But they'd do better with a WAY simplified version. When I think of them struggling through the unfamiliar words and barely understanding what they are saying for hours, I can see why shul doesn't pull them.</div><div><br /></div><div>I hope that spending the time preparing with them will be helpful in the long term and isn't too painful now. I'm keeping it short and I hope it will help them find it more meaningful. I don't know how much meaning they will find in shul this year. I hope as they mature they will eventually be able to find meaning in the long, complex prayers we say. I think studying them is essential to finding meaning in them. I'm trying to show them how much depth there is and how much there is to think about.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was going to shorten the time because 7 minutes is a bit too long. But we are still in the middle of zichronos and there are only 2 sessions left. I don't know how much we will make through shofaros. I guess next year is another opportunity b'ezras Hashem.</div>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-18823356619457827172022-01-02T13:58:00.002-08:002022-01-02T13:58:47.057-08:00chinuch and al pi darko<p>I have <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2016/11/chinuch-in-teen-years.html" target="_blank">wrestled with the question</a> <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2018/10/succos.html" target="_blank">many times</a> of <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2020/01/bar-mitzva-and-kriah-hamlet-conflict.html" target="_blank">what will make a child</a> love Torah and love mitzvos and <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2017/05/hippocratic-oath-for-teaching-torah.html" target="_blank">what will make a child reject and hate it</a>. What will make a child grow up to attend shul and will those same actions (nudging, pushing) cause a future abhorrence.</p><p>The confusing thing seemed to me that if you ask people "what did your parents do that encouraged you to go to minyan" and if you ask people "what did your parents do that made you avoid minyan" you'll find an overlap. Sometimes the very same actions people say worked is exactly what other people say backfired. </p><p>Well, I'm pretty sure no one ever said "They made it fun and exciting and I swore I'd never do it again." </p><p>But I think you'll find divisiveness on "they were firm and pushed me to do it even though I objected" and equal divisiveness on "they let it go and were relaxed about it." (<span style="font-size: x-small;">Though come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever heard an adult say "I dropped it because it didn't seem like it was a priority to my parents." I have heard others denounce parents and say "If you don't show your children it's a priority, they won't know and they won't do it."</span>)</p><p>So I was all muddled about this for a while. It's especially confusing when I'm trying to decide if unschooling and trust the process is a good idea. Or if I'm abdicating responsibility and making a huge mistake.</p><p>But recently I've come to some conclusions. And it seems so obvious to me now, I wonder why I didn't always see it this way. </p><p>My children have very different personalities. I've found it useful when thinking about this area to look through the lens of Gretchen Rubin's <a href="https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/" target="_blank">Four Tendencies</a> which frames what types of habit forming strategies work for different types of people.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj1W78IOXAPl20yd-I6OaeIQmj6Kh0tNPEnRRq6UyK0ADqfsAabb-PUR5gHvOjdrpTtklI6R-B83ZjWKzmmVbkGNphD0A_n9o83njGwpNyTxBbRjvA1d36DmG1GyWxo-EDrAJ2_VlFp9L6/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="623" data-original-width="1000" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj1W78IOXAPl20yd-I6OaeIQmj6Kh0tNPEnRRq6UyK0ADqfsAabb-PUR5gHvOjdrpTtklI6R-B83ZjWKzmmVbkGNphD0A_n9o83njGwpNyTxBbRjvA1d36DmG1GyWxo-EDrAJ2_VlFp9L6/w423-h263/image.png" width="423" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Looking at my children through the above lens has allowed me to really carefully craft their "obligations" or "good for them activities" (i.e. "mitzvos") through strategies that speak to their tendencies. While one of my children may love structure and love accomplishing, another will shut down completely if there is a whiff of obligation.<p></p><p>In addition to that, there is also neurodiversity and learning style, which greatly affects whether someone is the type who can sit in the beis medrash or even sit through shacharis. And then there is the early riser vs. the night owl in terms of who is physically going to be really struggling with morning minyan. </p><p>There's a reason why we have different expectations from different children. Some children are social and if their friends do it, they'll be inclined to do it. Some children are upholders and are pretty driven and motivated. Some children are just going to go the opposite direction if you push them. </p><p>I just think a lot of this is personality and nature. I'm sure as parents we can do a lot of things to make things worse. But assuming we don't make things worse and can get out of the way, it seems like a lot of this comes down to personality. And that it's really important to factor personality into chinuch.</p><p>I know that an Eisav can be a Dovid HaMelech. But an Eisav is never going to be a Yaakov. As my children grow up, it just seems to me that for some children, gentle chinuch works beautifully. And for others, even Herculean efforts might be counter-productive and the best thing you can do is show love and support and shut up (which is a different but equally important Herculean effort). It seems the more I look at it, certain types of strategies are going to be a really bad idea for some kids and be at best indifferent for others. And other strategies will work really well--but it depends on the child's personality.</p><p>I'm reminded of <a href="https://mg.alhatorah.org/Dual/Rashi/Kohelet/11.6#m7e3n7" target="_blank">Koheles perek 11:6</a></p><p><span data-lexicon="1242" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">בַּבֹּ֙קֶר֙</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="2232" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">זְרַ֣ע</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="853" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">אֶת</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;">־</span><span data-lexicon="2233" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">זַרְעֶ֔ךָ</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="6153" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">וְלָעֶ֖רֶב</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="408" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">אַל</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;">־</span><span data-lexicon="3240" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">תַּנַּ֣ח</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="3027" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">יָדֶ֑ךָ</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="3588" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">כִּי֩</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="369" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">אֵֽינְךָ֨</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="3045" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">יוֹדֵ֜עַ</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="335" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">אֵ֣י</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="2088" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">זֶ֤ה</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="3787" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">יִכְשָׁר֙</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="2088" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">הֲזֶ֣ה</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="176" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">אוֹ</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;">־</span><span data-lexicon="2088" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">זֶ֔ה</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="518" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">וְאִם</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;">־</span><span data-lexicon="8147" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">שְׁנֵיהֶ֥ם</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="259" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">כְּאֶחָ֖ד</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span data-lexicon="2896" style="background-color: #fefefe; cursor: pointer; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;" title="Concordance – Dictionary">טוֹבִֽים</span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-family: "Taamey Frank CLM", "Times New Roman"; font-size: 22.8438px; text-align: justify;">׃</span></p><p>Chazal say have children or students both in your youth and in your old age. Because you have no idea what's going to work out. </p><p>It's kind of comforting to have Chazal shrug and say, "It's a numbers game."</p><p>(I have a feeling that this post can be VASTLY misinterpreted so I reserve the right to clarify in the future.)</p><p><br /></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-90581736382988628452021-12-23T09:19:00.000-08:002021-12-23T09:19:21.294-08:00#goals<p>A dear family friend asked me how I set goals. </p><p>That's a loaded question, and maybe I'll write a few posts addressing different facets.</p><p>But one of the subquestions was about goals for my children. I've written before about <a href="http://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-current-educational-philosophy.html" target="_blank">educational goals</a> but today I'm thinking about grown children. Two fifths of my children are grown. </p><div>I don't have goals for my grown children. </div><div><br /></div><div>All I can have is goals for MY relationship with my children. Which is about how I'M going to behave. Not about them. </div><div><br /></div><div>My goals for that are pretty simple: </div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>That they enjoy spending time with me (which pretty much is about me keeping my mouth shut about their life choices and me being pleasant to them)<br /><br /></li><li>and that I don't dread seeing or hosting them because I've taken on food or housekeeping tasks that overwhelm me.</li></ul></div><div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;" /></div>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-30336646395806860972021-12-13T10:45:00.001-08:002021-12-13T10:45:31.687-08:00Learning Shemona Esrei<p>E's mostly fluent in shemona esrei now. So <a href="http://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2021/10/learning-shemona-esrei.html" target="_blank">looking back</a>, it took him about 2 months. We are practicing 3x a week for 10 minutes, and if he finishes before time, he can stop early.</p><p>The last 2 paragraphs need a bit more fluency, but now we've started the other shemona esreis. Maariv, shacharis, mincha, for shabbos. The same 10 minutes 3x a week. Then on to musaf for Shabbos, musaf for rosh chodesh, musaf for Shabbos Rosh Chodesh, and shemona esrei for yontif. There's plenty to go.</p><p>In the meantime, I'd like to learn Torah with him. I think he'd enjoy thinking about ideas. But we'll hold off on that for now, and work on fluency.</p><p>The goal is for him to be able to finish shemona esrei with the tzibbur before they start chazaras hashatz.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-53796649760633714192021-11-26T09:09:00.000-08:002021-11-26T09:09:09.376-08:00What Happens When Unschoolers Are 'Behind'<p>There's something I always say about homeschool:</p><p><b>There's no behind in homeschool; there's only where your child is at.</b></p><p>In homeschool, we have the luxury of teaching the child on their level, at all times. We can advance at their pace. We can teach the same thing over and over. We can slow down. We can stop. We can let it go for months or years and pick it up when they are ready.</p><p>In general, a lot of homeschoolers play more in the younger years than their classmate counterparts do. It's not that hard to "catch up" later. Especially because one-on-one learning is so efficient.</p><p>In unschooling, where the parent doesn't teach the child, and instead, the child learns what they want when they want, there is often a fear that the child will grow up and blame the parent for not forcing them to learn. After all, learning is unpleasant but needs to be done, and you should have made me do it, even though I fought it. And now I'm an adult and I don't know what I need to know and <b>it's all your fault.</b></p><p>(Sure, homeschoolers worry about this too. But believe me when I say the fear is a little more stark when you've actually actively <i>not taught your children </i>[unless they asked] as a <i>philosophy</i>.)</p><p><a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2019/08/you-should-have-taught-me-x.html" target="_blank">I've written about "You Should Have Taught me X" at length</a> (and it's worth rereading).</p><p>The more experience I have as an unschooler and as a parent, the more I realize that the unschooling philosophy of education is a radically different method of educating and is going to look very different. That's why <a href="http://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2021/11/testing-unschoolers.html" target="_blank">testing</a> doesn't actually give very good information about where an unschooler is educationally. </p><p>Like if most kids (hahahaha as if) learn in a straight line, i.e. the older they get, the more math and reading they know</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7G-Vy6ZM7Msf0UGlEahGdo45AirNewxs6nZa61ezfppW5RXeqkH6_8ub40yCE1nXN6yL96lci7uBKB5TX0OzR64Sb4khdaQ_QU5jYLp1Cyz8OkgbKuufoedwbrN3_L02kX2zLMKPKnVrd/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="221" data-original-width="228" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7G-Vy6ZM7Msf0UGlEahGdo45AirNewxs6nZa61ezfppW5RXeqkH6_8ub40yCE1nXN6yL96lci7uBKB5TX0OzR64Sb4khdaQ_QU5jYLp1Cyz8OkgbKuufoedwbrN3_L02kX2zLMKPKnVrd/" width="248" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">An unschooler can look like nothing, looks like nothing, looks like nothing, then BAM growth</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4pU-Tp3ALjxxSA8YtVc1E7tauOUoYHvngncb-cnr4wfBHEkTH-g1MZFXuVqixYAhk1lO1zCFZXBZNxiwSXQSGqmc3ugPwBuYHYMXJl3S8pPapvziWYTHkT30pcYHHZc6kMdTasg83O-Of/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img data-original-height="171" data-original-width="294" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4pU-Tp3ALjxxSA8YtVc1E7tauOUoYHvngncb-cnr4wfBHEkTH-g1MZFXuVqixYAhk1lO1zCFZXBZNxiwSXQSGqmc3ugPwBuYHYMXJl3S8pPapvziWYTHkT30pcYHHZc6kMdTasg83O-Of/w320-h186/image.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i>the y-axis could be "math or reading"</i></div><br /><br /></div>Like a bamboo plant. <br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">A Chinese </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">bamboo tree takes five years to grow</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. It doesn't break through the ground for five years. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks!</span><p></p><p>My point is that since unschoolers learn when they <b>want</b> to or when they feel they <b>need</b> to, they can often go for years without what society deems basic scholastic competency. (Or they work around it.)</p><p>But it's a mistake to think that they are "behind." They are actually perfectly aligned with the unschooling educational philosophy. Which says that the time to learn is when the child (person) <b>wants to </b>or feels motivated to because they <b>need </b>it for something they want. This could happen after childhood, once the person is an adult. </p><p>I once heard my son explain: "Oh, you see, the way it works for us is that we learn it when we want to."</p><p>Unschooled children are never "behind." They are simply in a pre-state of "not knowing YET." And the happy state of "When I want to know it, I'll figure it out."</p><p><br /></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-32089074543581442512021-11-17T12:28:00.003-08:002021-11-17T12:29:45.656-08:00Testing Unschoolers<p>The pandemic was during a testing year for us, homeschool-wise. NY state has pretty strict reporting and testing laws, compared to, say, NJ, where you just let them know you're homeschooling and they don't ask what you're teaching or how it's going.</p><p>Despite the strictness, NYS still has laws that are considerate of unschooling. You aren't required to test until 5th grade. That means if your children haven't learned to read by age 10 or so (which is normal for unschoolers), that's not a problem. (Even in those cases, there are approved testers and tests that can work with that.)</p><p>With the pandemic, we haven't had to test in 2 years. So we haven't yet had to engage with the academic standards "the state" thinks children that age "should" have. </p><p>This year, Jack, who is born in one of those "can go either way" months, decided maybe he wanted to be in the younger grade. When he was 5, <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2016/02/unschooling-reading.html" target="_blank">he was reading</a>, so I popped him to first grade. But in camp he chose to be in the younger grade, and now he wasn't sure which way to go. So I submitted that he'd be repeating the grade.</p><p>They asked me why.</p><p>So we decided to test Jack and see where he is. If he gets his <a href="http://www.nysed.gov/curriculum-instruction/10010-home-instruction#AnnualAssessment" target="_blank">33rd percentile</a> of his grade level, then we can keep him as is. If not, that is justification, and we'll hold him back.<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> (You can still get under 33rd percentile and remain at grade level, but that's a different topic.)</span></p><p>A few observations about testing:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Jack didn't really know fractions before this test. So we took an hour and I taught them to him, and he understood it pretty quickly, even though he needs some practice doing them. As an unschooler, I think it's kind of silly and feel with a child like Jack, who is mathematical, then he can wait until he wants to learn it and it will be quick. (He wanted to learn it when he discovered fractions were on the test. But in terms of long term life skills, he'll probably <i>really</i> learn fractions when he needs them, later, and this was just more playing around and seeing a bit about how they work.)<br /><br /></li><li>My niece saw him taking the test and said, "I hope you don't fail!" Jack looked puzzled, like he had no idea what she was talking about.<br />I realized that there is no failure in homeschool. There is no stress about failure, no thinking about failure, no worry about failure. It's just not on the radar. To Jack, testing is something we do for legal reasons and it gives no actual information on his true academic process nor progress, nor his value as a student or person. It got me thinking about all the times in school I worried about failing, how often I had that sick feeling during a test or after a test. And about children worrying about failing. <br /><b>In homeschool, if you get the answer wrong or don't understand something, it just means you do it again until you do understand it or acquire the skill.<br /><br /></b></li><li>For the first section of the test, I peeked a bit at Jack's answers as he wrote them. I estimate he got about half of them correct.<br />When he finished, I asked him if it felt like it was suitable for his grade level or not. Was it very difficult? Super easy? He said it felt appropriate for where he was. It wasn't so easy but it wasn't very hard. He said, "I think I did well."<br />My college aged child remarked, when I relayed this to her, that in LIFE, getting 50% of something right with no preparation is considered "doing well."<br /><br /></li><li>I noticed a big difference in <i>myself</i> and my attitude regarding testing. I've been homeschooling for about 25 years now, and experience makes a huge difference in confidence <u>and</u> in philosophy. I remember so clearly worrying about every answer my kids got wrong and how, afterwards, I made a point of going over the question so that they'd have that so-important information about comma usage or decimals.<br />But as I was looking over Jack's shoulder, watching him get the answer wrong, I kept thinking, "Meh, he'll have naturally learned that by the time he's an adult." or "No big deal, he can easily learn that when he wants."</li></ul><p></p><p><br /></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-81680564751955047242021-10-06T11:31:00.001-07:002021-10-06T11:31:33.027-07:00Learning Shemona Esrei<p> E is a year post bar mitzva and he's been learning shemona esrei on his own time. That means that when he is fluent with a bracha, he moves on to the next bracha. On the regular day shemona esrei he is up to birkas haminim. </p><p>He wants a phone because he's getting to the age where people are exchanging phone numbers and he can't keep up with them without a number. I said earn it by learning weekday, shabbos shacharis and mincha shemona esrei, yomtov shacharis and mincha shemona esrei, and shabbos musaf shemona esrei. He said no thank you.</p><p>I said right now we are working on your reading 3x a week for 4 minutes a time. How about we work on shemona esrei. And how about making it 8 minutes. He agreed.</p><p>Right now it takes him 8 minutes to read from V'lamalshinim to Modim.</p><p>He said he's tempted to take medication and learn how to read it all in a couple of months. I said if he wants to, that's an option.</p><p>He said Nah.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-90435324819169296932021-07-21T15:54:00.000-07:002021-07-21T15:54:24.251-07:00Unschooling College: "I did it my way"<p>I was asked for an update on how Chen is handling college. Short answer--it's working out beautifully.</p><p>However, she is definitely not doing the <i>typical</i> college route. </p><p>First of all, <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2018/03/testing-accommodations-for-homeschooling.html" target="_blank">psychoeducational testing</a> was absolutely VITAL. As you know, we did not pursue testing until age 16 when Chen wanted extra time to take the ACTs to get into college. (As we will do in the future for E, <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2020/12/update-adhd.html" target="_blank">if he wants to go that route</a>.) Chen gets double time for tests (which she needs), class notes, breaks, and calculator use. She may have some other accommodations, too. Testing needed to be done within 3 years of college admission to be current.</p><p>Because of her learning differences, she only goes part time (though last semester she ended up being full time). Reading is still difficult for her (I still on occasion read her assignments aloud to her but she can often find peers in college to do it or go to the office hours and the Professor is happy to help). She's great at class discussions and has difficulty with tests. And she has trouble in the sense that she tends to run out of steam emotionally at the same point a little more than halfway through every semester. So she has to work with her rhythms and abilities and still keep up with the work enough to pass. She started with 2 classes a semester, then moved up to taking 3 classes, but for her the real value of college is turning out to be...</p><p>INTERNSHIPS.</p><p>Yup, that's right. This kinesthetic learner is hands-on learning her way through college. She's <i>getting </i>internships because she is in college. And she's learning a lot.</p><p>In the beginning she just chose classes that looked interesting to her and that fit into her schedule, being clustered together with rest days in between. Then she joined the Honors business minor, which was a very valuable experience. And she found a field she's suited to and began pursuing internships in that field. She worked for free, for a very small stipend, and for credit. Within a few semesters, she had the experience and ability to get a great summer internship for pay. </p><p>She got a lot of advice from reddit, where she asked questions and got helpful answers with useful suggestions and information that she implemented. They told her what certifications to pursue and to find internships and how to find internships. A lot of opportunities were available to her through college.</p><p>So when you look at college not as something to get a degree with, not something to be done "full time," but as an amazing place with lots of fun and exciting people (peers and professors) and lots of interesting offerings intellectually and experientially, and lots of unusual classes to explore and clubs and trips and opportunities, then it has great things to offer even a student who does not fit the mold. </p><p><br /></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-39928283696397029472021-05-19T12:16:00.000-07:002021-05-19T12:16:22.359-07:00Bribes/Earnings/NegotiationsI never did write about our Seder this year. Last year I was so demoralized (to be fair, it was the middle of a pandemic) at how much nobody seemed to be able to read Hebrew. It felt like I had failed in homeschool. ("<b>In homeschool, the kids don't fail; only the teachers [moms] do!</b>")(I just made that up.) <div><br /></div><div> This year it turns out that everyone's Hebrew reading improved and they were pretty engaged and it was a lovely learning experience. I made a grab bag with some discussion points/scenarios/questions to answer and they really enjoyed that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Jack and I have started learning for half an hour once (or twice a week). He's often running out of money so he earns $5 a session. He practices Hebrew reading and R' Winder. It's a joy to teach someone with the ability to sit. After two ADHD kids, it's a nice change of pace. He's doing great with R' Winder and I'm optimistic about his future ability to translate Tanach. </div><div><br /></div><div>Elazar has been working on the ability to tolerate minyan. He still is reading with me for 4 minutes at a sitting a few times a week. He's still not through Shemona Esrei. <br />He woke up on Shabbos morning before shul was over so I asked him to go to shul. He was very reluctant. After a bunch of back and forth negotiations, we agreed that if he can go to shul with his father when his father goes (<i>if</i> he gets a 10 minute warning), and if he goes to shul for musaf time <i>if</i> he's awake Shabbos morning, and <i>if</i> his over bar mitzva friends go to shul on Shabbos for mincha if he is with them then he'll go to shul for that. If he commits to that for a year, he can get a Nintendo Switch plus 4 games. </div><div>This got him pretty excited but he's not sure he can commit to that. He's thinking about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the meantime, he's still crossing off his Xs on his minyan chart (when he hits 30 he earns a game). He seems to be under the impression that he will simultaneously earn more Xs for new games if he commits to the Switch. That's not my inclination (when a new rewards system comes into effect, doesn't it knock out the old one?) but on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to mess with his enthusiasm. </div><div>I think of it like this: Would I pay x dollars to see my child be excited for minyan? Would I pay double that? Yes. Yes, I would. </div>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-55234881492359852792021-04-01T10:04:00.006-07:002021-04-01T10:12:12.199-07:00The Wall of Awful and Davening<p>Tefila is not progressing as I would have hoped. Sure, we could medicate and maybe he could learn it more quickly. But he's going "at his own pace" and that is an exceedingly slow pace, indeed.</p><p>We've been arguing about reading Yaale V'Yavo. He's not up to it in shemona esrei. (He's nowhere near it.) I said it comes up every Rosh Chodesh, every chag, in bentching and in davening, he may as well get fluent at it. He said it takes him a minute and 30 seconds and he only wants it to take 30 seconds. I said practice it and it will take 30 seconds. It seems awful to him. He whines. (I'm glad he's not in school and this is not a daily, hourly battle.)</p><p>He's been <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2021/03/on-waking-teenage-boys-in-time-for-shema.html" target="_blank">having trouble</a> with davening in general. It recently got to the point where he's been skipping breakfast. Because you can't eat before davening. And then he davens right before chatzos.</p><p>I've come to understand from Chen that tasks that seem to be not so difficult yet are procrastinated is a feature of ADHD. This is called "the wall of awful." Here is the video that explains it:</p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg</a></p><iframe width="713" height="401" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Uo08uS904Rg" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe><p>This whole video was pretty eye opening for me. Especially as I'm the type of person who doesn't have much trouble pushing myself to do things I don't especially feel like doing. It's a feature of ADHD that they have a much harder time "forcing" or "making" themselves do things they find distasteful. I know many people think, "I also don't like doing things I don't want to do. But I do it!" But it seems to me that there is significant neurodivergence here. E would actually develop tics, anxiety, and mutilate himself (in the event that he actually can even manage to do it).</p><p>So basically, he's spending the whole morning gearing up to daven. It takes him that long.</p><p>I asked a friend of mine if he thought E should be allowed to have breakfast and not skip it. Or would that make E feel like the mitzvos are too bendable. He said that's a question for a posek. I was trying to decide which posek to consult. One who has an understanding of the emotional elements of ADHD.</p><p>I consulted Chen, who suggested that he say birchas haTorah and then have a quick bowl of cereal. So he does some form of praise/request/thanks even if it's not the official one.</p><p>I sat down with E this morning and spoke to him about the Wall of Awful and how it's something he's dreading every day. I asked if eating breakfast would help and he said that he doesn't want to do that, since breakfast is the thing that motivates him to daven--so that he can eat. And if we remove that, he has no motivation. He doesn't want to do it and he only does it because of the chiyuv and he can only bring himself to do it if he's waiting to eat breakfast.</p><p>I suggested maybe he wants to move tefilin to mincha time instead. He said no, then it's hanging over his head for longer and the Wall of Awful is there for longer.</p><p>So we are trying to strategize and it's still challenging. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'm all ears.</p><p> </p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-52743569951018762792021-03-11T07:27:00.000-08:002021-03-11T07:27:40.433-08:00In the Ongoing Complicated Relationship I have <p>One of the things I like about Radical Unschooling is word choice, which helps frame things in a kinder, more effective way. Children are not "being difficult," they are "communicating needs." Children don't "misbehave" they are hungry, tired, drained, still lacking mature communication skills.</p><p>I've learned a lot of things that help me understand why I struggle when certain relationship dynamics come up with some of my children. I've discussed a lot of them <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2019/09/loving-what-is-upon-thinking-fish.html" target="_blank">in this post</a> where I also linked to a few earlier examples of me trying to navigate these murky dynamics with one of my children where I frequently end up demoralized, overwhelmed, and unhappy with how it went.</p><p>An aspect that my friend recently pointed out to me is his <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/anxious-attachment#:~:text=Anxious%20attachment%20is%20one%20of,inconsolable%20when%20a%20caregiver%20leaves.&text=Anxious%20attachment%20may%20also%20be%20called%20ambivalent%20attachment." target="_blank">attachment style</a>. I was complaining that it seemed like he has radar for when I'm depleted. And then he asks me for something. And NO. I'm depleted. I'm wiped out. Why can't he ask when I have energy?</p><p>And then I get into a whole thing. I can have boundaries. I can say no. And I can say no nicely. (Except I can't, because I'm depleted) and so I say it not so nicely and then he gets upset and then he pushes harder and then I feel both worse AND angrier. I feel worse because I guess he really needs it AND I feel angrier because I'm so depleted and why is he doing this.<br />We go round and round and eventually I say a grudging and angry yes (and feel bad because if I was going to say yes I would have preferred to say a generous and immediate yes instead of creating a situation where he feels like his mother is begrudging and annoyed). Or I say an angry No and feel awful that he's not getting his needs met.<br />Sometimes, if I am fortunate and notice this as it's building, I can change my No to be a kinder No OR I can skip a number of the me saying I'm tired and him pushing more and more intensely and I can just get it for him. But I still felt overall like none of these were great choices. I am glad I can be kinder and clearer in my No and yeah I still wish I could catch the dance a little earlier and make it a Yes if I'm going to anyway. But what is with him and me? Why are we doing this? Why does he need me when I'm wiped out and why do we keep having this fight over and over?</p><p>My friend suggested that it was actually EXACTLY when I am depleted that his anxious attachment gets triggered. He has to test to see if I really do love him. Right at that moment.</p><p>And of course, I often fail. And don't give him his needs. And that "proves" to him that he's right to be anxious. Because he can't get his needs met. It's a pernicious, unhappy cycle.</p><p style="text-align: left;">He has a feel for when I'm extra depleted and then asks for attention specifically in a way that is extra irritating. So then he is "right" that I "don't love" him.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Yes, to some degree it's staying on top of his love language (gifts) so he's not depleted which definitely makes things worse between us.</p><p style="text-align: left;">But also he davka has a nose for waiting for my depleted moments and that's when he "needs" me. And of course I was failing and he was "right."</p><p style="text-align: left;">So now, armed with that insight, when I see him do it I don't tell myself "He needs me and wtf I'm too wiped out now."<br />I tell myself "He needs me BECAUSE I'm wiped out now."</p><p style="text-align: left;">He's nervous and so he checks.</p><p style="text-align: left;">And it was perpetuating him being right he can't depend on me.</p><p style="text-align: left;">So now that I know that, I have been finding it easier to find it in myself to give davka when he asks davka when I'm most depleted.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Because that's the love he seeks: do you even love me now when you have no mental space/energy for me.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Now that I know that's what he's seeking, I expect it more and it's not as shocking and surprising.</p><p style="text-align: left;">It's in my awareness. Like on my Pesach mental list is: 'go through chometz, kasher kitchen, make menus, find time and energy for J at the exact moment when I'm about to crack emotionally' etc.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-77430970040363256412021-03-04T15:01:00.002-08:002021-04-01T09:49:08.519-07:00On Waking Teenage Boys in Time for Shema<p>I knew this was going to be an issue. It's a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2820578/" target="_blank">known scientific phenomenon</a> that teenagers have a delayed sleep cycle. Science has recommended (unfortunately to little avail) that teenagers start school no earlier than 10:30am. Teenagers go to sleep later and wake up later. ("<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", stixgeneral, serif; font-size: 19.9989px;">this sleep deprivation is due in part to pubertal changes in the homeostatic and circadian regulation of sleep." and "</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Times New Roman", stixgeneral, serif; font-size: 19.9989px;">In this review of human and animal literature, we demonstrate that delayed sleep phase during puberty is likely a common phenomenon in mammals, not specific to human adolescents.")</span><br /><br />Shema is earlier than 10:30.<br /><br />Yesterday, my husband and I were discussing whether or not to wake up our teenager for Shema.<br /><br />As I see it, the question is: What action now is going to most likely end up with an adult who wakes up and says Shema b'zmano (in time)?<br /><br />The trouble is, either action we take has a risk:</p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Wake him up, and he may get annoyed and rebel and resent and not grow up to say Shema.</li><li>Let him sleep, and he may get the feeling that it is not a priority and doesn't really matter and we didn't make enough effort to express our values.</li></ul>I believe that half the people in shul as adults attribute it to their parents nudging/pushing/encouraging/valuing it.<br /><p></p><div>And half the people who hate shul blame their parents for nudging/pushing/nagging about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>How do we know which personality falls into which half? <b>We don't.</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Honestly, sometimes I envy those parents who tell their children their values and their children follow those values. This is not my first rodeo and to stick with the metaphor, some horses buck. </div><div><br /></div><div>So for now we are taking the position that teenagers sleeping late is shogeg (violation via carelessness, not via intentionality) אנוס רחמנא פטריה (against his will unable to do the mitzva) for biological reasons and hope that in the future, when his circadian rhythms revert to more normal hours, he'll desire to say Shema in its time.</div><div><br /></div><div>For now, when it comes up, we have conversations about davening where I try to explain the value of taking the time to think about these ideas at the beginning, middle, and end of the day.</div><div>Last week I read R' Soloveitchik's idea about tefila being an appointment with Hashem, and how you don't show up late to an appointment. Hashem generously made hours for the appointment.</div><div>My son commented that he personally would have tried to get an appointment for later in the day if he had a choice. </div><div>As I was writing this just now, I asked him: "If there was a king, and you could speak to the king about your needs, and ask for anything, would you wake up early to do it?"</div><div>"Probably," he admitted. Pause. "But, if I were seeing the king <i>every </i>day..."</div><p></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-17967642174380991262021-03-02T10:24:00.001-08:002021-03-03T18:17:08.692-08:00Nachas Note<p>Remember when it was too hard for me to leave the house with the boys?</p><p>Then covid hit and we haven't really tried.</p><p>Today we went to the dentist. Afterwards, the receptionist remarked, "You have really well behaved children."</p><p>Then she asked if they were homeschooled. "I saw you giving a lesson and I almost wanted to join in!"</p><p>She said it seems to her that homeschooled children have an easier time sitting still.</p><p>I said not really in the younger years, but in the older years not having to sit in school for so many hours does make it easier for them to sit.</p><p>When I conveyed the nachas to the children, Elazar said, "Give a lesson? You weren't giving a lesson. We were asking questions and you were answering them."</p><p>They were quizzing me about the stock market crash, the Great Depression, and I was explaining how WWII helped end the depression, and then Jack had some questions on why there is the Illuminati eye and a pyramid on the dollar bill.</p><p>And Elazar said, "I don't have an easier time sitting still." Which is true enough. But he did sit (well, pace quietly enough) while we were waiting.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-46982136606706615252021-01-03T11:32:00.000-08:002021-01-03T11:32:43.681-08:00Some Chizuk for Homeschooling Limudei Kodesh<p> I was talking to a friend who is nervous about homeschooling, particularly on the Judaic Studies front. I jotted down a few thoughts and here they are:</p><p>It doesn't actually take that long to learn skills. It can be done in 2-3 years post high school in yeshiva.</p><p><br /></p><p>There is a lot of Torah learning that can be done in an enjoyable way (telling stories etc., having conversation, learning topics like hashkafa or halacha outside any book) that can be tailored to students who are "not students." There was an amazing session at one of the Jewish homeschooling conferences I went to years ago and she talked about how in homeschool we have the freedom to avoid Chumash skills and hours of Gemara if they are not working for our child. We can be creative and there are SO many paths of Torah learning. Chassidus, Navi stories that they'll relate to, coloring, videos, hands on stuff. There is no need to go "the classic path" just because yeshivas do it.</p><p><br /></p><p>Baalei teshuva are the scaredest to go rogue. They so badly want their kids to have the yeshiva education they didn't get.</p><p>People who got the yeshiva education are less enamored of it. Ari once told me the worst torture of boredom he ever had in his life was 7th grade Gemara and he used to think to himself, "if I can get through this, I can get through anything boring in the world." All he wants for his kids is for them not to suffer that.</p><p><br /></p><p>It could be really exciting for you to get the skills at the same time your kids do. I'm in love with the Rabbi Winder books. (l'shon hatorah). I had ok skills before but this knocked me up to the next level and it's what I used to teach in high school. I was renowned for teaching skills--and I picked up those skills teaching my own children.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-9201876304832701032020-12-23T13:12:00.000-08:002020-12-23T13:12:42.909-08:00Rabbi Winder workbooks<p> I really love the L'Shon HaTorah workbooks by Rabbi Winder. And all 3 boys are finally old enough to do them. I want to make it part of their Avos UBanim Motzei Shabbos learning, but E is old enough that he doesn't do that anymore. I'd love to sit them all down once a week to do it for 10 minutes or so. But they'd have to agree (#unschooling) (not #radicalunschooling or I'd wait for them to ask) and I just don't know that they would agree to it. </p><p>Another possibility is leaving E alone and figuring he'll either be an adult who isn't much into skills or wait until he passionately desires skills and is willing to put in his own efforts when he's older. And just seeing if the younger 2 boys are willing.</p><p>Then I think that odds are, in the high school years or in the going to Israel years, they'll be interested in acquiring skills and why not just wait until then?</p><p>The eternal tug of war between whether or not to try to involve them in skills or trust that they'll eventually want skills and work to acquire them from their own motivation.</p><p>I will certainly bring it up for discussion and see if there is willingness. Jack has been learning with me once a week as part of our evening special time, and I think he does better when learning in a linear, orderly fashion. I've been skipping around and I don't think it's doing much, similar to when I was he kept asking me and I was haphazardly trying to teach him to read and <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2015/02/more-reading.html" target="_blank">he was much happier with a textbook and curriculum</a>.</p><p>So even though I think it would be more fun for Jack and Aharon to learn together, it may be that Jack is the one who is ready and it's not time for Aharon yet. But I will discuss it with them and see.</p><p>Even if they may be theoretically amenable, oftentimes they are very busy with their own pursuits and are unwilling to stop. Jack stops once a week to have special time with me, and when I asked if we could learn a little Torah as part of that, he said Sure. But the odds of <i>also </i>getting Aharon to join go down exponentially when you are trying to coordinate with more people. So that's why even though it might be fun for them to do it together, practically that may not end up being something that can be regularly coordinated.</p><p>I do suspect that once the two youngest are interested in skills, they'll be motivated and put the time and effort in.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-6493138705050945672020-12-09T11:56:00.000-08:002020-12-09T11:56:26.979-08:00Update ADHD<p>E's been on a low dose of immediate release medication for 2 weeks. No negative side effects. The change in his ability to focus is remarkable. Instead of running out of steam after 2 lines of Hebrew reading, he can read the entire bentching and most of Ashrei. His reading ability has improved. His ability to keep the information in his head is remarkably improved. He's able to get through more of shemona esrei. </p><p>After 2 weeks, we were going to tell the doctor that he will take it only "as needed" (which is really "as wanted" in unschool). The neurologist wants him on it another 2 weeks to make sure there are no negative side effects. </p><p>After that, the plan is that E can choose if he wants to take it or not. The idea was mainly for him to see that his brain works differently on medication and he has no need to feel like he's lazy because he has trouble focusing. If he wants to do complicated math or science or gemara in the future, he has this tool in his toolbox.</p><p>I'm going to do as much Hebrew reading as he's up for while he's on medication this month. He hasn't been taking it on Shabbos and he said he is still able to read better now that his reading has improved. (He can't read as long or as much, but his reading ability has improved and he can read more than 2 lines now, even unmedicated.) </p><p>Within 3 years of college, we'll aim for psychoeducational testing so that if there is a learning disability he can get student services in college. (But at this juncture it's looking to me like it's just a focus issue.)</p><p>E says ADHD is not a big deal in his life right now so he doesn't need or want medication.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-23377826257458550992020-11-16T07:29:00.005-08:002020-11-16T07:37:10.624-08:00Time To Make ADHD Official<p> I haven't been writing so much because as the boys get older, I'm becoming more aware of their privacy. I asked E his opinion about writing about this next step and he gave permission. </p><p>Now that he's bar mitzva, he's been struggling to learn the davening (the entire year leading up to his bar mitzva was nowhere near enough time). The good news is that he doesn't feel like he's struggling. He just dislikes it and we don't do it much and it goes slowly. We do it 4x a week for under 5 minutes at a time. As I mentioned, this teeny amount of sitting results in that <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2020/04/a-negative-effect.html" target="_blank">he doesn't have the bandwidth for mishna</a> anymore.</p><p>I've really been unsure how to proceed. Is it the time to unschool and let him decide when to do it? I've always thought that eventually a child would be motivated and then it would come quickly. It seems to me there is a learning disability here, it's blocking motivation, and even if he is motivated, there will be no learning quickly.</p><p>At the same time, he does love to think and to learn, and the more I push and impose, the less energy, inclination and motivation he has for true and real-to-him learning.</p><p>On the other hand, this may be the kind of thing that when he grows up, he'll say to me, "Ma, I wish you would have pushed me a little more. Then I would know how to daven." <--That's something that usually unschoolers fret about and experienced unschoolers say is not a worry. Because a <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2019/08/you-should-have-taught-me-x.html" target="_blank">feature of unschooling is the confidence and experience that when you want to learn something, then you figure out how to learn it or you get help</a>.</p><p>And yet, something is telling me that he's ready. He's ready for some nudging. And if this is not hard core unschooling, well, he's my oldest son and sometimes I'm just not deschooled enough and don't trust enough and maybe Torah is too important and maybe I'll relax after him and look back and say "I was too pushy and I could have had the trust and confidence to let it go."</p><p>I was walking with him on the beach and asking him what he likes to do and he said he'd like to learn coding but he thinks he's lazy.</p><p>That was kind of a shock because <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2015/03/on-laziness.html" target="_blank">I don't believe that laziness actually exists</a>. If a person wants to do something, they figure it out. If they don't do it, there are reasons. Conflicts. Difficulties. </p><p>I asked him if he knows what neurodiversity means. He didn't. I explained that some people's brains work differently than most of the population. I said I'm not sure, but his might. That may be why he doesn't like to do certain types of work. Because it hurts his brain. That may not be the case, and if so we'll have to figure out how he can do learning that he wants but also doesn't want to do, if he chooses. But it's worth checking out if his brain is neurodiverse. He agreed.</p><p>I then looked into testing. The place we used for his older sibling is closed for covid now. And I also read that for special ed services in college (which Chen is making great use of and having a FANTASTIC college experience so far bh) he'll need to have been tested within 3 years of 18. So I'll hold off a few more years. In the meantime, though, I do think it's time to pursue the ADHD diagnosis to see if him having access to medication affects his ability to concentrate and do the type of learning he's interested in doing. Then we can test in a few years to see if he has any other learning disabilities.</p><p><br /></p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-76006103761867777532020-09-02T13:54:00.002-07:002020-09-02T13:54:55.637-07:00Unschooling Math<p> One of the bizarre things about unschooling is that the other day, when some of them earned some money, I was discussing ma'aser and asking them what 10% of their earnings would be, and they all got quiet and started thinking about it. </p><p>They all had ideas about how to approach the calculation and they all knew something about percents. How? I'm not sure. It comes up.</p><p>And the other day, my youngest was staring at the clock and he explained to me a rather long and complicated process for telling the minute hand on analog. He said if you add a zero to the number and then divide it in half, that's the minutes. I did a few and sure enough, he was correct.</p><p>I find that with unschooling and with them playing all day and having the kind of slow paced life where there is time to daydream and they have unlimited video games and youtube, they end up pondering mathematical concepts in a way you just never have the time nor inclination to do with standard education.</p>arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-74062717746871324732020-07-30T12:21:00.001-07:002020-07-30T12:21:05.757-07:009 Av 2020 Al Pi Darko UnschoolingI was debating whether or not to try to do something official with the boys. Generally in the afternoon, the older of us watch a thematic movie.<br />
<br />
It turns out that I tried to engage one of the kids and conversation but he wasn't that receptive. But then another kid came in and he was interested and we watched a short video which led to a great discussion about what happened and a day of mourning, and the Titus Arch, and he was stunned that both Mikdashim were destroyed on (almost) the same day.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5vuoX09ryw&feature=youtu.be">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5vuoX09ryw&feature=youtu.be</a><br />
<br />
There was a program on our block and one of the boys went to it.<br /><br />
And it turns out Ari had a good conversation about the purpose of Tisha B'Av with the very kid I had tried to engage and failed to. That kid had asked Ari about it and they had a good discussion.<br />
<br />
So we kind of keep an eye out for opportunities to talk about it, throw some things out (<a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2017/10/on-agenda-vs-agenda-less-strewing.html" target="_blank">strewing</a>) and see if anyone is interested.arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-7899125612448837302020-04-23T10:51:00.002-07:002020-04-23T10:51:30.986-07:00A negative effectA negative side effect of Elazar reluctantly practicing reading is that he no longer likes to do Mishna. He feels "overloaded" from the 5-10 minutes. (I've actually skipped learning the meaning of his parsha with him this week [which I'd been doing 2x a week, reading out loud to him and translating 3 or so pesukim] since he's been so unhappy and complaining about learning.)<br />
<br />
This is a feature that his older sister had, too. I wonder if it's an aspect of ADHD that they run out of steam so quickly learning things that are difficult for their brains and need the rest of the day or actual days or weeks to recover. Her motivation and determination improved with age (and medication) but the mental exhaustion remains about the same.arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-25136185853630716382020-04-17T12:51:00.000-07:002020-04-17T12:51:09.014-07:00Update<a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2020/04/hebrew-reading-fluency.html" target="_blank">It went terribly.</a> E hates reading the same thing over and over and refuses to self rate. He is bored out of his mind and won't even read it to fluency. He's been reading one line, with complaining, 5-6 times. He does not achieve fluency level (reading as quickly as speaking). I figure he would need 10-15 tries to do that and he doesn't want to.<br />
<br />
I tried to coax him into giving it a week. I said it's a method I read about; can't we try it out? He finds it excruciating. I don't know if I should stick it out or if I should just try to have him read more. That, too, isn't going very successfully. <br />
<br />
It may come to him actually not being able at bar mitzva age to read fluently, because he's so vehemently opposed to it.arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-34770702989116359732020-04-14T07:23:00.002-07:002020-04-14T07:23:40.393-07:00hebrew reading fluencyThe goal: To be able to read as quickly as speaking<br />
<br />
E is pretty accurate at this point. (Kaf and chaf, pey and fey, he still confuses. And he doesn't ever use a shva nach yet.) But I want him to be able to read more fluently. Reading more doesn't seem to be picking up his pace (I've been trying that for the last month) and he doesn't like to read so much at once.<br />
<br />
My friend told me about R' Jonathan Rietti's method to increase speed and accuracy:<br />
<br />
Read a sentence.<br />
Self assess how fast it was (assuming accuracy and fluency are already in place) on a 1-5 scale. Then decide if you want to read it again aiming for faster speed.<br />
And we’ve done that repeating the sentence 5-6 times and speed does pick and AND it picks up globally not just for that sentence, if you keep up with it and practice.<br />
<br />
I'll let you know how it goes!arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-41382047264234207442020-03-10T10:50:00.003-07:002020-03-10T10:50:47.980-07:00"Done With Third Grade Math"I have a homeschool friend who has been sharing photographs of her family's day. The most recent one was humorously called "X is done with 3rd grade math" and it is a picture of a little girl standing and grinning with a spatula over a barbecue where her 3rd grade math book is on fire.<br />
<br />
So many times as an unschooler I think I'm actually losing my sense of humor. I had a visceral reaction to this. Third grade math is basically multiplication. That's pretty much it. Since moving to unschooling, My kids do arithmetic and other math when it comes up. My oldest eventually taught herself trig and is currently taking Calculus for Economics in college. We'll see what happens to the rest of the kids, mathematically. Right now they either play with math (thinking about interesting aspects of math) or use math when they need it to calculate things they want to know.<br />
<br />
I'm so glad to have stumbled into the unschooling way of life, where third graders (<span style="font-size: x-small;">just kidding--there are no grades</span>) aren't burdened by a textbook full of things they want to burn when they finish. arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-65846522403871675692020-01-28T15:28:00.000-08:002020-01-28T15:28:00.997-08:00I'm Always Teaching Too LongI looked at the part I was planning to learn with Elazar today. About 6 pesukim and some math (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Bamidbar%2031:28-30&version=OJB" target="_blank">1/50 vs 1/500</a> and so we can discuss which is a bigger number). <br />
<br />
Elazar was dreading it so I figured I'd keep it short. Not a whole aliyah. Just a few pesukim. Then maybe he won't dread it and it will be ok. <br />
<br />
We started and he asked when Moshe was going to die. I had no idea what he was talking about (I knew Bilaam died in this war, but not Moshe) and he reminded me that Hashem told Moshe "Fight a Revenge War against Midian and then you'll die." <br />
<br />
So I told him his parsha is the last 2 parshas of Sefer Bamidbar, and indeed Moshe does die afterwards...at the end of Devarim. And Devarim is Moshe's final speech. E was greatly amused that Moshe was just giving a speech for all those pages. <br />
<br />
Then he asked how Moshe died. I turned to the pesukim of how he died and Hashem buried him. Then I wanted to do the Rashi with him about how Aharon died and Moshe wanted that death. E was rolling his eyes by then and begging to stop. I said let's do this and no more pesukim in your parsha. He agreed. I found the Rashi and read it out loud to him. He understood about half of the words without needing translation. (Some of the words were pretty unfamiliar.) I had him act out what the rashi said about Aharon dying. He thought it was a pretty good death and saw why Moshe would want it too.<br />
<br />
So we didn't get to the pesukim I intended but he learned the answers to questions he asked. Which is more satisfying, I think. (This artificial construct of learning a specific thing by a specific time is something I've complained about so many times.) (On the other hand, I do think the artificial imposition of a "manhood ceremony" does encourage kids to rise to the occasion.)<br />
<br />
I wanted him to practice reading Hebrew (I did that this morning with him after davening) but he was already burnt out. It's astonishing how very quickly he burns out and how difficult it is for him to pay attention. He was using the exercise ball the entire time and he was still very quickly wiped out. Nonetheless, it wasn't unpleasant.<br />
<br />
E says he'd still prefer to avoid it. "It's not something I fully hate but I don't want to do it."arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4301845215340975827.post-42881301246773024882020-01-27T07:54:00.001-08:002020-01-27T07:54:17.290-08:00here's how not unschooling goesI told E I'd like to learn his parsha with him. He said, "No, no, no" and curled up into a ball on the couch under a blanket.<br />
<br />
I said to him yesterday, "Do you truly not want to learn your Parsha?" (This is me reading the pesukim out loud in Hebrew to him and then translating them.)<br />
<br />
He said, "I know I <i>have</i> to, but I don't want to." <br />
<br />
Today was only 4 pesukim because he couldn't sit through what I had planned yesterday. (I was trying to do one aliyah per sitting; he has a double parsha so that's 14 aliyos total.) So he was dreading it but it wasn't so bad.<br />
<br />
Then I spoke with him about wanting to improve his reading. He was kind of dismayed at all the brachos he has to learn for the haftora. I said reading fluently would help. He said, "Noooooooo" it's difficult and he doesn't like it. I explained that if he would be able to read at the pace of talking, it wouldn't be hard to learn the brachos if he could read like that. He said that he has trouble with the letters with the dagesh and without, being able to tell them apart. <br />
<br />
I asked him if he wanted to just work on knowing those first. He said no.<br />
<br />
He said he'd rather learn to read later. I said I'd like to do it now.<br />
<br />
I had him read a line from one of the haftora brachos. I said only one line a day. <br />
<br />
He read it. He started off very slowly with mistakes. Got into a groove as he went. It was a line with no tricky stuff. He translated as he went. (Score for speaking in Hebrew!) The line finished and I said, "That's it." And he said, "That wasn't so bad."<br />
<br />
I'm glad it ended up not so bad. I'm glad it's not torture. I'm having some <a href="https://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com/2010/03/you-dont-realize-how-many-steps-each.html" target="_blank">flashbacks </a>to why I started this blog in the first place. <br />
<br />
I don't think I'm "ruining" him. I often say in parenting (or homeschooling) there isn't "right" and "wrong" (aside from things that <i>are</i> harmful)(אין המקרא אומר אלא דרשני) as much as there are actions and consequences. This action will lead to him having better reading. It will also lead to unpleasant associations with Torah and learning. Only time will tell if is worth it. Plus there are so many factors we probably won't be able to tell which details contributed to a love/hate/indifference/passion for Torah and which factors opposed it. Plus what works for one child does and does not work for others. It's complicated.<br />
<br />
I do my best and I daven.arijesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04054624664476807741noreply@blogger.com0