What Happens When Unschoolers Are 'Behind'

There's something I always say about homeschool:

There's no behind in homeschool; there's only where your child is at.

In homeschool, we have the luxury of teaching the child on their level, at all times. We can advance at their pace. We can teach the same thing over and over. We can slow down. We can stop. We can let it go for months or years and pick it up when they are ready.

In general, a lot of homeschoolers play more in the younger years than their classmate counterparts do. It's not that hard to "catch up" later. Especially because one-on-one learning is so efficient.

In unschooling, where the parent doesn't teach the child, and instead, the child learns what they want when they want, there is often a fear that the child will grow up and blame the parent for not forcing them to learn. After all, learning is unpleasant but needs to be done, and you should have made me do it, even though I fought it. And now I'm an adult and I don't know what I need to know and it's all your fault.

(Sure, homeschoolers worry about this too. But believe me when I say the fear is a little more stark when you've actually actively not taught your children [unless they asked] as a philosophy.)

I've written about "You Should Have Taught me X" at length (and it's worth rereading).

The more experience I have as an unschooler and as a parent, the more I realize that the unschooling philosophy of education is a radically different method of educating and is going to look very different. That's why testing doesn't actually give very good information about where an unschooler is educationally. 

Like if most kids (hahahaha as if) learn in a straight line, i.e. the older they get, the more math and reading they know

An unschooler can look like nothing, looks like nothing, looks like nothing, then BAM growth

the y-axis could be "math or reading"

Like a bamboo plant. 
A Chinese bamboo tree takes five years to grow. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. It doesn't break through the ground for five years. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks!

My point is that since unschoolers learn when they want to or when they feel they need to, they can often go for years without what society deems basic scholastic competency. (Or they work around it.)

But it's a mistake to think that they are "behind." They are actually perfectly aligned with the unschooling educational philosophy. Which says that the time to learn is when the child (person) wants to or feels motivated to because they need it for something they want. This could happen after childhood, once the person is an adult. 

I once heard my son explain: "Oh, you see, the way it works for us is that we learn it when we want to."

Unschooled children are never "behind." They are simply in a pre-state of "not knowing YET." And the happy state of "When I want to know it, I'll figure it out."

Testing Unschoolers

The pandemic was during a testing year for us, homeschool-wise. NY state has pretty strict reporting and testing laws, compared to, say, NJ, where you just let them know you're homeschooling and they don't ask what you're teaching or how it's going.

Despite the strictness, NYS still has laws that are considerate of unschooling. You aren't required to test until 5th grade. That means if your children haven't learned to read by age 10 or so (which is normal for unschoolers), that's not a problem. (Even in those cases, there are approved testers and tests that can work with that.)

With the pandemic, we haven't had to test in 2 years. So we haven't yet had to engage with the academic standards "the state" thinks children that age "should" have. 

This year, Jack, who is born in one of those "can go either way" months, decided maybe he wanted to be in the younger grade. When he was 5, he was reading, so I popped him to first grade. But in camp he chose to be in the younger grade, and now he wasn't sure which way to go. So I submitted that he'd be repeating the grade.

They asked me why.

So we decided to test Jack and see where he is. If he gets his 33rd percentile of his grade level, then we can keep him as is. If not, that is justification, and we'll hold him back. (You can still get under 33rd percentile and remain at grade level, but that's a different topic.)

A few observations about testing:

• Jack didn't really know fractions before this test. So we took an hour and I taught them to him, and he understood it pretty quickly, even though he needs some practice doing them. As an unschooler, I think it's kind of silly and feel with a child like Jack, who is mathematical, then he can wait until he wants to learn it and it will be quick. (He wanted to learn it when he discovered fractions were on the test. But in terms of long term life skills, he'll probably really learn fractions when he needs them, later, and this was just more playing around and seeing a bit about how they work.)
  
  
• My niece saw him taking the test and said, "I hope you don't fail!" Jack looked puzzled, like he had no idea what she was talking about.
  I realized that there is no failure in homeschool. There is no stress about failure, no thinking about failure, no worry about failure. It's just not on the radar. To Jack, testing is something we do for legal reasons and it gives no actual information on his true academic process nor progress, nor his value as a student or person. It got me thinking about all the times in school I worried about failing, how often I had that sick feeling during a test or after a test. And about children worrying about failing. 
  In homeschool, if you get the answer wrong or don't understand something, it just means you do it again until you do understand it or acquire the skill.
  
  
• For the first section of the test, I peeked a bit at Jack's answers as he wrote them. I estimate he got about half of them correct.
  When he finished, I asked him if it felt like it was suitable for his grade level or not. Was it very difficult? Super easy? He said it felt appropriate for where he was. It wasn't so easy but it wasn't very hard. He said, "I think I did well."
  My college aged child remarked, when I relayed this to her, that in LIFE, getting 50% of something right with no preparation is considered "doing well."
  
  
• I noticed a big difference in myself and my attitude regarding testing. I've been homeschooling for about 25 years now, and experience makes a huge difference in confidence and in philosophy. I remember so clearly worrying about every answer my kids got wrong and how, afterwards, I made a point of going over the question so that they'd have that so-important information about comma usage or decimals.
  But as I was looking over Jack's shoulder, watching him get the answer wrong, I kept thinking, "Meh, he'll have naturally learned that by the time he's an adult." or "No big deal, he can easily learn that when he wants."

In the Ongoing Complicated Relationship I have

One of the things I like about Radical Unschooling is word choice, which helps frame things in a kinder, more effective way. Children are not "being difficult," they are "communicating needs." Children don't "misbehave" they are hungry, tired, drained, still lacking mature communication skills.

I've learned a lot of things that help me understand why I struggle when certain relationship dynamics come up with some of my children. I've discussed a lot of them in this post where I also linked to a few earlier examples of me trying to navigate these murky dynamics with one of my children where I frequently end up demoralized, overwhelmed, and unhappy with how it went.

An aspect that my friend recently pointed out to me is his attachment style. I was complaining that it seemed like he has radar for when I'm depleted. And then he asks me for something. And NO. I'm depleted. I'm wiped out. Why can't he ask when I have energy?

And then I get into a whole thing. I can have boundaries. I can say no. And I can say no nicely. (Except I can't, because I'm depleted) and so I say it not so nicely and then he gets upset and then he pushes harder and then I feel both worse AND angrier. I feel worse because I guess he really needs it AND I feel angrier because I'm so depleted and why is he doing this.
We go round and round and eventually I say a grudging and angry yes (and feel bad because if I was going to say yes I would have preferred to say a generous and immediate yes instead of creating a situation where he feels like his mother is begrudging and annoyed). Or I say an angry No and feel awful that he's not getting his needs met.
Sometimes, if I am fortunate and notice this as it's building, I can change my No to be a kinder No OR I can skip a number of the me saying I'm tired and him pushing more and more intensely and I can just get it for him. But I still felt overall like none of these were great choices. I am glad I can be kinder and clearer in my No and yeah I still wish I could catch the dance a little earlier and make it a Yes if I'm going to anyway. But what is with him and me? Why are we doing this? Why does he need me when I'm wiped out and why do we keep having this fight over and over?

My friend suggested that it was actually EXACTLY when I am depleted that his anxious attachment gets triggered. He has to test to see if I really do love him. Right at that moment.

And of course, I often fail. And don't give him his needs. And that "proves" to him that he's right to be anxious. Because he can't get his needs met. It's a pernicious, unhappy cycle.

He has a feel for when I'm extra depleted and then asks for attention specifically in a way that is extra irritating. So then he is "right" that I "don't love" him.

Yes, to some degree it's staying on top of his love language (gifts) so he's not depleted which definitely makes things worse between us.

But also he davka has a nose for waiting for my depleted moments and that's when he "needs" me. And of course I was failing and he was "right."

So now, armed with that insight, when I see him do it I don't tell myself "He needs me and wtf I'm too wiped out now."
I tell myself "He needs me BECAUSE I'm wiped out now."

He's nervous and so he checks.

And it was perpetuating him being right he can't depend on me.

So now that I know that, I have been finding it easier to find it in myself to give davka when he asks davka when I'm most depleted.

Because that's the love he seeks: do you even love me now when you have no mental space/energy for me.

Now that I know that's what he's seeking, I expect it more and it's not as shocking and surprising.

It's in my awareness. Like on my Pesach mental list is: 'go through chometz, kasher kitchen, make menus, find time and energy for J at the exact moment when I'm about to crack emotionally' etc.

Nachas Note

Remember when it was too hard for me to leave the house with the boys?

Then covid hit and we haven't really tried.

Today we went to the dentist. Afterwards, the receptionist remarked, "You have really well behaved children."

Then she asked if they were homeschooled. "I saw you giving a lesson and I almost wanted to join in!"

She said it seems to her that homeschooled children have an easier time sitting still.

I said not really in the younger years, but in the older years not having to sit in school for so many hours does make it easier for them to sit.

When I conveyed the nachas to the children, Elazar said, "Give a lesson? You weren't giving a lesson. We were asking questions and you were answering them."

They were quizzing me about the stock market crash, the Great Depression, and I was explaining how WWII helped end the depression, and then Jack had some questions on why there is the Illuminati eye and a pyramid on the dollar bill.

And Elazar said, "I don't have an easier time sitting still." Which is true enough. But he did sit (well, pace quietly enough) while we were waiting.

Time To Make ADHD Official

 I haven't been writing so much because as the boys get older, I'm becoming more aware of their privacy. I asked E his opinion about writing about this next step and he gave permission. 

Now that he's bar mitzva, he's been struggling to learn the davening (the entire year leading up to his bar mitzva was nowhere near enough time). The good news is that he doesn't feel like he's struggling. He just dislikes it and we don't do it much and it goes slowly. We do it 4x a week for under 5 minutes at a time. As I mentioned, this teeny amount of sitting results in that he doesn't have the bandwidth for mishna anymore.

I've really been unsure how to proceed. Is it the time to unschool and let him decide when to do it? I've always thought that eventually a child would be motivated and then it would come quickly. It seems to me there is a learning disability here, it's blocking motivation, and even if he is motivated, there will be no learning quickly.

At the same time, he does love to think and to learn, and the more I push and impose, the less energy, inclination and motivation he has for true and real-to-him learning.

On the other hand, this may be the kind of thing that when he grows up, he'll say to me, "Ma, I wish you would have pushed me a little more. Then I would know how to daven." <--That's something that usually unschoolers fret about and experienced unschoolers say is not a worry. Because a feature of unschooling is the confidence and experience that when you want to learn something, then you figure out how to learn it or you get help.

And yet, something is telling me that he's ready. He's ready for some nudging. And if this is not hard core unschooling, well, he's my oldest son and sometimes I'm just not deschooled enough and don't trust enough and maybe Torah is too important and maybe I'll relax after him and look back and say "I was too pushy and I could have had the trust and confidence to let it go."

I was walking with him on the beach and asking him what he likes to do and he said he'd like to learn coding but he thinks he's lazy.

That was kind of a shock because I don't believe that laziness actually exists. If a person wants to do something, they figure it out. If they don't do it, there are reasons. Conflicts. Difficulties. 

I asked him if he knows what neurodiversity means. He didn't. I explained that some people's brains work differently than most of the population. I said I'm not sure, but his might. That may be why he doesn't like to do certain types of work. Because it hurts his brain. That may not be the case, and if so we'll have to figure out how he can do learning that he wants but also doesn't want to do, if he chooses. But it's worth checking out if his brain is neurodiverse. He agreed.

I then looked into testing. The place we used for his older sibling is closed for covid now. And I also read that for special ed services in college (which Chen is making great use of and having a FANTASTIC college experience so far bh) he'll need to have been tested within 3 years of 18. So I'll hold off a few more years. In the meantime, though, I do think it's time to pursue the ADHD diagnosis to see if him having access to medication affects his ability to concentrate and do the type of learning he's interested in doing. Then we can test in a few years to see if he has any other learning disabilities.

Unschooling Math

 One of the bizarre things about unschooling is that the other day, when some of them earned some money, I was discussing ma'aser and asking them what 10% of their earnings would be, and they all got quiet and started thinking about it. 

They all had ideas about how to approach the calculation and they all knew something about percents. How? I'm not sure. It comes up.

And the other day, my youngest was staring at the clock and he explained to me a rather long and complicated process for telling the minute hand on analog. He said if you add a zero to the number and then divide it in half, that's the minutes. I did a few and sure enough, he was correct.

I find that with unschooling and with them playing all day and having the kind of slow paced life where there is time to daydream and they have unlimited video games and youtube, they end up pondering mathematical concepts in a way you just never have the time nor inclination to do with standard education.

9 Av 2020 Al Pi Darko Unschooling

I was debating whether or not to try to do something official with the boys. Generally in the afternoon, the older of us watch a thematic movie.

It turns out that I tried to engage one of the kids and conversation but he wasn't that receptive. But then another kid came in and he was interested and we watched a short video which led to a great discussion about what happened and a day of mourning, and the Titus Arch, and he was stunned that both Mikdashim were destroyed on (almost) the same day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5vuoX09ryw&feature=youtu.be

There was a program on our block and one of the boys went to it.

And it turns out Ari had a good conversation about the purpose of Tisha B'Av with the very kid I had tried to engage and failed to. That kid had asked Ari about it and they had a good discussion.

So we kind of keep an eye out for opportunities to talk about it, throw some things out (strewing) and see if anyone is interested.

bar mitzva and kr'iah the Hamlet conflict

It's come to this.  Elazar is definitely hampered by his lack of ability to read Hebrew.  (Well, hampered is a matter of opinion.  It's not preventing him from doing anything he wants to do.  So he's actually fine.)  For learning Torah, it's no big deal.  We read to him and he's happy to learn. 

For his leining and brachos, we are working around it.  He can read things he's familiar with, and he has a musical ear. 

I'm having a lot of thoughts about his inability to read tefila and how that will impact his chiyuv to daven.  His kavana is going to be very negligible until he wants to focus on that, anyway.  I've already expressed that I'm not sure what benefit davening will have for him other than being oppressive to him.  (Conceptually, he has a decent concept of tefila b'eis tzara [davening when he has a need] and we are one bracha away from finishing learning shemona esrei and it was a thoughtful and fruitful experience.  I doubt that will translate into daily prayer for him and I do think long term it will be impactful.)

So the question is whether it is worthwhile to focus on his reading.  It is 100% clear that he is currently not motivated to do so and does not want to.  It is 100% clear to me that if he could read more fluently, he would have an easier time fulfilling chiyuvim.  It is 100% clear to me that nudging him to read is not unschooling. 

I'm not married to the idea of unschooling for unschooling's sake.  However, unschooling principle is that if the child views the activity as valuable and desirable, the child will do it quickly, eagerly, efficiently, joyfully.

If I nudge him to read when he doesn't want to:  It is not quick.  He is reluctant.  His brain doesn't do it well.  It sucks the joy out of it, which has long term negative consequences.

Since he's my oldest bar mitzva boy, I'm having trouble letting the reading go.  Probably if he had been my youngest, I wouldn't think twice about doing the bare minimum for his bar mitzva and trusting that he'll be fine.

It turns out that it's much easier to unschool other children when you've already seen the first children grow up and turn out great :-P  This feels risky and I worry that I'm neglecting my responsibility. 

It also feels like he is mature enough to handle the rigor of putting in more effort for the sake of Torah.  It feels like for me to sit back and wait for that to happen does convey my values--and that those values are that it's okay to wait for Torah rather then הוו עמלים בתורה -- the value of toiling for Torah.  I don't want it to be painful, but I want to convey the diligence of putting in effort at this milestone age.

On the other hand, E's conceptual development is definitely on a different trajectory than the average kid.  Socially and emotionally he's very mature in some ways.  In other ways, expectations more usually associated with children about three years younger than he is would be more appropriate.  So maybe the reading thing would be better off waiting another three years.  Being enslaved to artificial milestones is something all homeschoolers seek to avoid.

(And the Torah seems to back me up on this, as עונש בידי שמים doesn't kick in until age 20.)

on learning disabilities, processing issues, and motivation

A long time ago I read an interesting study that kids can read (comprehend as in "reading comprehension") on a higher level if they are interested in the topic.  Meaning if you have a story on the child's ostensible "reading level" you think that it is pretty objective.  How complicated are the sentences, how many unfamiliar words do they have to get from context, etc.

But they found that let's say, a kid who can't read his 3rd grade reader can actually hack his way through something much more advanced if it's about airplanes and he loves airplanes. 

This fascinated me because there isn't a direct correlation to "reading ablility."  It has to do with motivation.  Motivation actually makes the brain work differently.  And better.

In a sense, unschooling follows this path and kids read what they want and never think about "reading ability" and "reading level."  They try to read what they are interested in, and ask someone to read it to them if they have difficulty.

As I've spoken about, one of my kids has a learning disability where they have to read things up to seven times in order to comprehend it.  And tends to gravitate towards gaining information in ways other than reading as a result.

But I just realized I didn't think twice about sending this neuropsychological analysis of aphantasia: 

 "Their self-reported selective inability to vividly recollect personally experienced events from a first-person perspective was corroborated by absence of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and event-related potential (ERP) biomarkers associated with naturalistic and laboratory episodic recollection, as well as by behavioral evidence of impaired episodic retrieval, particularly for visual information. Yet learning and memory were otherwise intact, as long as these tasks could be accomplished by non-episodic processes. Thus these individuals function normally in day-to-day life, even though their past is experienced in the absence of recollection."

Because I knew she'd be interested and be able to understand it.

One of the things that makes Unschooling so Radical

Something that comes up when people worry about unschooling is: What if the kid grows up and feels that the parent has abdicated responsibility for educating them and the parent should have done a better job and forced them?

I've tried to explain that when unschoolers want to know something and feel like they need it, they simply pursue it.  Ask for help if they need.  (For example, when Chen took a college course and realized she didn't know exactly how to write an essay, she asked me to run through it with her and I told her about introductions, stating points, backing them up, and conclusions, and she began writing essays.) Today I read something by Caren Knox and it gave insight as to why this is and how it works and it absolutely resonated with my experience (bolding is mine):

Someone said that they find watching their children feeling bad about failing painful.  She responded:

One thing I’ve noticed in most long-time unschoolers I’ve known is that they inherently understand that they’re learning all the time, and that they experience not reaching goals or not quite getting something, not as personal failure or a shortcoming, but as one step in learning. I doubt they’d even be able to express that, unless they’re particularly self-reflective; for them, taking “failure” personally isn’t part of their experience of life. (This, of course, also depends on the personality of the child. What I’m saying is what I’ve noticed, generally speaking.)

They’re able to assess what happened without self-recrimination. “Oh, I didn’t know xyz was part of this thing I’m trying. Now I know, so this time I’ll add in xyz and maybe it’ll work now.” “Jeez, I am not so great at organizing this thing. I’ll ask Banu how they did it for the thing they did.” [<——- Very doubtful any unschooler has said anything like this out loud. This is my clumsy attempt at portraying the inner, perhaps even unnoticed by them, thoughts of an unschooler facing something not working as they planned or imagined.]

In school, something not working means FAILURE. You had one chance, and you screwed up, so that’s it. You get an F or a C or some other measurement that means you did not get this thing, and you will not get this thing, because this is the only time in the curriculum this is done. And people seem to think that means something about you personally. “You’re bad at math.” “You’ll never be an engineer.” “You’re slow.” “You’re a bad student.” “You are falling behind.” “You have a disability.”

Unschoolers have experienced life differently. There is plenty of time to do what they’re trying, so not getting it the first time means they can assess and try again, learning each time. (They might learn they don’t want to do that thing as much as they thought they did.) If they see they’re not skilled in a certain area, it doesn’t mean that *they* are failures; they can choose to learn about that, or ask for help, or outsource, or all of those.

Most always-radically unschooled kids or long-time radical unschoolers are comfortable with the process of learning, which often involves failure.
It’s like a lot of video games. You move your character through obstacles, and if you fail, there’s another life right there for you to take what you learned (“Whoa, a Goomba comes at me there”) and make different choices (“I’ll kick this Koopa shell first, then go”). There’s no real-life failure or death, and there are infinite opportunities for you to start over (or from a save point) and take another go at it.

No Vacation in Unschooling

Every once in a while, I realize that unschooling has made me see things really differently than most of society.  It crept upon me so gradually, I don't realize it until I end up hearing things that seem jarring.

People ask me how my summer is going.  They ask when we are starting school.  I say, No, we go year round.  No difference between summer and the rest of the year.  They commiserate with my poor kids.  This feels strange to me.

Jack asked me to sit in the back seat with him when we were driving home from my parents so that we can learn a perek of Chumash together.  He doesn't feel like learning is something he needs a break from.  When he wants to learn it, he asks me.  He doesn't feel like he's on "vacation" from learning or needs a break.  Learning is part of life.

In the middle of learning Chumash, Aharon interrupts us to ask for division problems.  Ari is giving Elazar math problems from the front seat.

The pediatrician and Chen were discussing her medication for college.  He said she should wait until she gets her schedule, then give him a call so they can discuss dosage and strategy.  I said, "But what is she supposed to do for the next two weeks?"  He said, "What are you talking about? College doesn't start for two more weeks."  I said, "But she's been learning calculus most days.  She needs some pills so she can do math."  He doesn't understand.  She graduated high school.  She's not in school yet.  Why is she learning Calc now?  For fun.

Who learns complicated math for fun during the summer?  The doctor is baffled.

The pediatrician also asks her what classes she is interested in for college.  "Chemistry," Chen says.  "Science major?" the doctor asks.  Chen shrugs.  "No, I just want to learn it."  Pediatrician frowns.  "Why would you take a hard science if you don't need it for your major?"  "It seems interesting," Chen says.  For many people, college is about finishing on time, requirements, a major.  For Chen it is about learning what her heart calls her to learn.

"Can you send me that perek where Moshe tells Hashem he gave birth to the Jews and nursed them like a baby?" Chen asks.  "I want to send the source to my friend."

"When can we do the blood type kit?" Jack begs me.  I bought it a couple of weeks ago but planned to wait until September.  He keeps asking me. 

I'm highlighting the "educational" stuff.  They don't distinguish between "educational" and "interesting" and "fun."  It's all the same to them.  I forget, until I see other people's attitudes, that there is a distinction in most people's lives.

bar mitzva prep

I'm still not sure what to do with E's learning.  The bar mitzva is in about a year.  Ari has his goals neatly mapped out: teach him maftir, teach him birchas hatorah, before and after, teach him birchas hahaftorah, before and after.  He can daven at his own pace with an English translation, and do as much or little as he is ready for.

My goals are murkier.  I often joke that I'm an educational control freak.  The dark side of that (okay, I admit that being a control freak of anything is mostly all dark side) is that I tend to have grand plans that are unrealistic and unpleasant for the people I yearn to impose them on.  I've avoided a lot of that by unschooling. 

But now Elazar agreed to learn "in preparation for his bar mitzva" and I am not sure what to do.  I want to learn his parsha with him.  But does that mean learning to leyn? To read and translate?  Should I just read him the pesukim and the translation?  What exactly is best to do with this time?

I asked my friend and was advised: Do what is pleasant.

Basic, pithy, and obvious.  And difficult to implement!

I don't think he likes it very much.  It's hard for him to sit.  So far we've done 1 and a half pesukim in about 8 sessions.  I think it's short enough that he doesn't dread it, but he doesn't look forward to it or enjoy it.

And this morning I realized that it would be nice if he can fluently read bentching because when he is bar mitzva, he'll be old enough to lead mezumen.  So now I'm wondering if I should just go through his parsha with him and have me translate it so he understands it, and then work on his reading. 

Choices, choices.

"You should have taught me X"

It's one of the unschooling parent's nightmares that people tell me about sometimes.  What if, since I didn't "make" my kid sit down and learn xyz, they come to me when they are older and blame me?  What if they denounce me and say, "You should have taught it to me! You should have made me do it!"

Parenting is rife with stories from people who were grateful that their parents made them do things.  "I'm glad my parents made me leyn for my bar mitzva." "I'm glad my parents forced me to do my homework every night."  "I'm glad my parents forced me to..." Actually, I just went to google that to get some ideas: get a summer job; perform in musicals; swimming lessons; music lessons; restrict media...

Interesting.  As I'm reading, I see an equal amount of resentment at being forced to do things ("I still hate it and I hate it more because they made me do it") and I see resentment for being not forced to do things ("I wish I had more guidance and it didn't feel like they cared what I did or loved me").

I've heard more than once that parents are nervous about unschooling because what if the child grows up and "knows nothing" (obviously that's absurd because children are curious and can't help learning things if they aren't forced to learn things, but the fear is more if they don't know "basic" things like reading/writing/'rithmetic) and is then angry at the parent for not discharging their parental responsibility: I trusted you to handle my education!  Yeah, I fought you, but I was a child! You weren't supposed to let me do things that are not good for me!  If I'm a toddler and I want to run into the street into traffic, you aren't supposed to LET me!

First, I want to note that there seem to be two extremes that upset grown kids here: 1) being controlled and being forced to do things they don't want to do.  2) being uninvolved and not being pushed to do things or encouraged or given help and support to get out of comfort zones.

In general, people are familiar with unschooling being not about forcing.  But it is not the second option, either.  It is not neglect.  It is not letting kids find their own way with no parental support or supervision.  It is very hands on and very involved.  It's just that the parents don't decide what to do, they support what the child wants to do.

Next. (I think I wrote about this before, but I can't find the post.)  A big feature of unschooling is that the child learns something when it is interesting or when it is useful.  Therefore, if a child is concerned that they haven't learned xyz, you can simply reassure them that when it is interesting enough OR when they find they need it, they'll have the motivation to learn it and be willing to put in the time and effort to learn it.  And that time will be the right time, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing it until that point. 

In our society, we have a lot of social norms about what age people should know different things.  But that is actually pretty arbitrary.  There's something magical about a cheerful, energetic, and optimistic 25 year old who doesn't know something basic but assures their boss that they are prepared to learn it and should have a general sense of things in a couple of weeks.  And then walks back in with an excellent grasp and a sophisticated understanding of things.

Part of unschooling is a cheerful confidence that they have the ability to learn things when they want to. 

Finally, I'd like to quote Deb Rossing from an unschooling group (bold mine):

okay, and if he does 'blame' you, then what? Knowing that you've done what you could to support, encourage, facilitate what he said he wanted to do (or not do, or try and stop doing) all along the way, what does his 'blaming' do to you? It sounds like you're trying to line everything up perfectly so you don't get 'blamed' for anything - but reality is that you -could- do everything perfectly and STILL get 'blamed' because that is not something you can control, that is in the head of the other person, whether it is your child, your partner, or some other person. We can't talk a person out of their opinions and feelings. Best we can do is ask for feedback "How could I have done that better, in that time and situation?" Often, they don't know -because basically blame is trying to get out from under feeling badly -about themselves- not so much about you or what you did/didn't do.

I think Deb put her finger on a couple of important points.  One, we as homeschooling or unschooling parents are worried about all the responsibility--so we'd love to set it up so that whatever goes wrong is not our fault.  The fact is, homeschooling is scary.  Because nobody else is making the decisions about what to do with your children and how to educate them.  It's all on you.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  It's sobering that this really is on us.

It's important to be open to feedback (heck, most of homeschooling is basically taking feedback from your children about how to teach them).

But sometimes blame is just them feeling badly about themselves and wanting to avoid the reality--when you want to learn it, you can and will.

An important distinction is that sometimes kids want the end result of having the knowledge or skill, but they do not want to put in the time and effort to get that result.  They want to be a great electric guitar player; they don't want to practice.  They want to know calculus; they don't want to spend hours working on it.  They want to build things; they don't want to start slowly and methodically.

And we as adults, often shame them for that.  Or worry that this demonstrates a future lack of ability to persist.

So when they say, "I want to play piano" for the hundredth time, we retort: "Practice, and you'll get better!" 

We lecture or we pressure or we let them know that there is something bad about them for not being motivated to put in that time and effort.

Unschooling really is radical in this sense.  It suggests trust.  Trust that you don't have to push.  That when the child wants to do it, it will come.  Either it will come easily, or your child will be determined and will persist.

Chen kept saying she wanted to take the ACTs.  But for a long while she didn't do much about it.  If I actually was stressed that she wouldn't be able to take the ACTs and that she had to take the ACTs and it would be terrible for her future if she didn't take the ACTs, my reactions and my interactions with her would have looked very differently than if I was emotionally neutral about her plans and just wanted to support her.  I bought her a curriculum.  She didn't like it.  I got her ACT books out of the library.  I offered to teach her but she didn't want that.  I researched and discovered alternative paths to college--going to community college without needing to take SATs or ACTs.  I told her about that.  Eventually, she started teaching herself the math.  She got a friend to teach her.  She asked for a couple of tutoring sessions, which I paid for.  I wasn't on top of her and to me it was not about what she was learning or not learning.  It was about supporting her choices.

If a child is blaming the parent, it could be:

• You really did make a mistake.  In that case, be honest and apologize.  You can try to explain what your thinking was, but that only works if there are literally decades of trust between you and your child and your child is used to thinking of you as having the child's best interests at heart and not about pushing your own agenda onto the child.  If, as parents, we push our own issues and wants and dreams onto our children, then they may be suspicious that we haven't had their best interests at heart.  And would they be wrong?
• The child is wrestling with self doubt. Nervous about lack of abilities or accomplishment.  Usually the parents seizes this opportunity to "teach" the child that what is needed is effort or motivation.  Instead, consider exuding trust.  Remind the child that learning is easiest when it is interesting or useful to the person.  Find things that are interesting and fun to the child, and give reassurance that it won't be hard to learn when they are ready.

It's kind of scary to take that leap and believe that it really is okay if they don't know things or have certain skills or are able to do certain things.  I remember thinking--but...but...what if they never learn math?!  What if they never want to learn Torah?  What if they can't do...things?

For an unschooler the answer when your child asks this is:  Okay, do you want to do it now?  How can I help?

And if they say: No...I just want to know what if I grow up and I don't know it?

Answer: Then you'll learn it when you want to!

Summer Update II: Camp

On a camp note, Aharon is in camp and he dreads the learning.  He said the davening is tolerable but the learning is so long and boring.  The whole davening and learning is from 9-11:30 with recess.  I really may have to look into a more modern Orthodox camp where learning is only 45 minutes.  I'm honestly considering driving him to camp after learning.  But then he misses davening, and he likes davening well enough.  And it's not like he has to "learn to tolerate it."  He's a trooper and can sit through it.  Watching him sniffle and rub his eyes this morning as he waited for the bus was pretty agonizing, though.  I offered to buy him a lego set to offset the pain of the learning.  I also told him that he doesn't actually have to do the work (as far as I can see, it is Hebrew word finds and parsha coloring pages) but he looked at me like I was nuts for saying he doesn't have to.  I offered to write the Rebbi a note and he declined.  He has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.  He does love the sports, though.  However, he's so looking forward to not sitting through learning that he won't even consider going to camp at all.

Sometimes I ask myself, how is it that none of my children can sit through standard learning?  He's not adhd.  How is it that he finds it such agonizing torture?  Why do my kids have such thin skin and inability to tolerate it? Is this going to be a problem later in life?

And sometimes I think to myself: sitting passively for a long time and doing activities that you find boring IS torture.  My kids are just not habituated to tolerating that.  Homeschooled kids as a general rule are not. 

Summer Update I: bar mitzva prep

Things have been kind of brewing under the surface.  Everyone grew recently.  Lots and lots of inches.  Suddenly, they are all big. 

Elazar has been showing an interest in davening.  He asked about going to mincha, because it seemed short.  A week or two after that, he asked to go on a specific day (or Ari invited him, I don't remember).  And now he's been going to mincha regularly and asking about maariv on Motzei Shabbos. 

This past week I told him that he can daven in English, and he said what about saying Hashem's name? Doesn't that have to be in Hebrew?  I said ideally yes and he can say "Adonai" if he sees "God" but if it's too difficult, he can just say it in English.  He got pretty excited about that but asked how he will know the English.  I showed him that there are siddurs with English and he was thrilled.  Ari gave him one in shul.  Yesterday I told him that there is no rush to finish the whole thing while everyone is davening, and if he wants to slow down and try to understand parts of it a little at a time, that's more important than actually saying the whole thing.  He said but he can't ask either of us what something means in the middle of davening--me because I'm not there, and Ari because he's davening.  We said you can ask us later or just try to figure it out from context.

On a side note, the boys played a trivia game yesterday and I understood from the adult playing with them that it was a game "for those who are in school," i.e. my kids didn't know the answers.

I'm trying to think carefully about Elazar's next year.  I want to prepare him for as much as he can do before his bar mitzva, but I want to be very careful.  It seems to me that waiting a year or two or five or even ten for him to be motivated and do things with joy and because of his own desire would be FAR preferable than pushing him to do it so he is ready and capable at bar mitzva.  It's a tricky line.  The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to wait.  On the other hand, there is something about anticipating responsibility and preparing for it with respect and eagerness. (I suppose "eagerness" being key, and if "eagerness" slides into "dread" maybe we want to stop well before that.)

Online Pornography & Chinuch Part II

Here is Part I

The reason I asked experienced unschoolers about their thoughts on pornography is because in general, radical unschoolers don't restrict media.  Their attitude towards screentime, video games, shows, movies, youtube, is that it is all educational.  They aren't alarmed by violent video games, violent movies (if the child seems emotionally able to handle it), playing video games "all day long."  They also are relaxed about "junk food." And bedtimes.  And so many other things.  They are extremely sensitive to prioritizing relationships, and strive to have healthy relationships in the family and good communication, and responsiveness to the children's needs.  So I wanted to hear what unschoolers have to say about pornography.  Anything that society thinks is "bad" is not necessarily harmful, and unschoolers often have a very different way of looking at things, and I wondered about their approach. 

Before I get into that, I want to share a halachic approach.  I found this podcast extremely useful:
Intimate Judaism: Masturbation, Sexual Health, & Halacha: Is There a Conflict?

From the unschoolers I got advice:

• to definitely begin conversations about online content and pornography. 
• to be very careful to not be accusatory or to engender feelings of guilt
• that there is a lot of material online that a kid can stumble onto and be overwhelmed by
• that filters don't stop that, and conversation is probably the best approach

Given that, I had my first conversation about it.  I told E that now that his body is changing, it's time to talk about pornography on the internet.  (This is part of many ongoing conversations we've been having about changing bodies.)  I asked him if he knows what pornography is, and he said people having sex on camera.  I made 4 points:

1. When you get older, if you see pornography, you can feel sexually excited, which means...(I trailed off here and 7yo helpfully supplied, "like you want to do the thing that makes babies?") (7yo asked if he should leave the room when I started by saying, "Now that your body is starting to change, it's time to have a conversation."  But I said, Nah, he can stay if he wants.)
   
2. There is a lot of pornography which is disturbing or scary or uncomfortable.  We reviewed what to do any time he sees something that makes him uncomfortable: Close it and walk away, and come and get me and tell me if you want to discuss it. (I wonder if I should be more forceful about telling them that it's important to talk to me about it, or if it's okay to leave it to their discretion.  I guess it depends on how disturbing whatever they come across is.) (This is something that the unschooling ladies thought was very important to convey to my kids--that they could come across things that could potentially scare or disturb them, and they should be prepared for that and have agency to close it down and know that there is parental support available.)
   
3. If you ever see anything that you have questions about, come and ask me and we can talk about it. 
   
4. Pornography is usually acting, which means the women are acting like they enjoy it and not necessarily enjoying it, and the way things happen in pornography is not actually how it really is in real life.  (Conversations to follow about checking if someone likes it, both verbally and nonverbally, and more about communication and paying attention to what your partner likes and communicating what you like and don't like.  But that's not for now.)

unschooling davening

More on the idea that if I want my kids to do something, instead of hocking them about it, I should focus on it myself.

I have been taking my own advice and been davening out loud since October.  I like to daven first thing or I get lost in the day and have a hard time getting back to it.  But some mornings I go to work (or have to get ready to go) before they are awake.  Some mornings they are watching videos or wearing headsets.  Some mornings they actively leave the house when I start davening.

Some mornings, it's just lovely.  I say birchas haTorah out loud, then kriyas shema with brachos out loud.  Then I move to my silent shemona esrei.  It takes about ten minutes, no big deal.  Hallel on hallel days. (I'm considering expanding my repertoire to baruch she'amar, ashrei, yishtabach, and aleinu, but "tafasta meruba lo tafasta," grab too much and you grab nothing, so I'm sticking with what I'm doing for now.)  Some mornings they are just quietly playing video games while I daven.  Some mornings they keep catching my eye and I smile at them, and they sing along different parts with me. 

So many times I felt there was not a lot of point in doing this in terms of them learning the tefila.  I felt there was value in them seeing me daven every day, there is value in me davening out loud, but does it help them learn it at all?  Especially with videos blaring at the same time?  But part of the magic of davening is that it is תדיר, it is frequent, and over the course of many, many, many, many apparently meaningless times, you get times with great value and meaning. 

I'm actually surprised that it has only taken four months and they sometimes sing along.  Elazar utterly surprised himself when he discovered he apparently knows a good bit of Shema with trope, all learned effortlessly because it was happening around him.

I remember when they were toddlers and babies, I felt bad that our homeschool didn't have "davening" to start the day.  Now I have the time and I'm glad.  And the boys?  Who knows.  They see their mother davening.

bar mitzva prep thoughts

I've been pondering the bar mitzva again.  E is 11.5 now. It's creeping closer.  For the girls, I spent the year before bat mitzva preparing them to daven, running through mitzvos they weren't keeping yet and going through their chiyuv/obligations, making sure they were fluent at reading the brachos they'd need to say and the davening they'd be halachically obligated in.  E still has tremendous difficulty sitting, even for 5 minutes.  He is absolutely not interested in working on his Hebrew reading more than the once a week he does it now.  (Compare to A, 2nd grade, who spent 2-3 months dragging me the aleph-beis reader every single evening until he achieved the degree of fluency he wanted.) I know for a fact if we wait until he is interested, it will go faster, he will remember it better, and he will be excited about it.

I've also been thinking about radical unschooling.  One of the most beautiful things about unschooling is that you meet the child where the child is, not where you want him to be.  You have trust and confidence that what the child is working on now is useful and good.  And you focus on enjoying the relationship with that child and on partnering with the child to achieve the things that the child is interested in doing.  (Reminder to me: make plan to drop E off in semi-supervised wilderness so he can test his "survival" skills.)

Contrast that with the idea of the bar mitzva.  Many of my friends (this is my first boy, so I don't know how to raise boys) mentioned that they couldn't believe how their sons stepped up to the expectations of being a bar mitzva and navigated their responsibilities now that they went through the transitional rite of passage.  Would I be doing my son a disservice by "letting him off the hook" and not pushing him to lein?

On the other hand, the actual basic bar mitzva situation (he gets up, makes a couple of brachos, the end) is really quite manageable for him.  If we just do that, we would all be happy.  And he would probably even be happy to work on a speech and deliver it.

A friend of mine (who homeschooled 5 boys who are grown up now) said to me that I should just do his aliyah and make a big deal about celebrating the fact that he is now chayav in mitzvos.  This is a beautiful thing and a milestone and worthy of celebration on its own.

Another unschooling friend of mine has 3 boys, all high school and over bar mitzva age, and told me about how as per their wishes, their bar mitzvas were extremely low key, just the aliyah, and how their interest in learning and davening blossomed later--ages 15, 16...

An unschooled young man who now has children of his own told me last year that his youngest brother, still unschooled at home, really only began to "get more serious" after age 16, so he thinks bar mitzva may be young and there is no need to be nervous at that age.  This coincides with my own unschooling experience with my current 12th grader.

It's hard to let go of the leining.  All three of my brothers leined, did haftorah, and davened mussaf for the amud.  And Ari and all of his brothers leined (though not the whole parsha).  To me, a big part of being bar mitzva is being qualified to be part of the minyan, being able to lein and being able to daven for the tzibbur.

I remembered a post I wrote a while back.  It has excellent advice, and I have taken my own advice many times since I wrote it.  It has three pieces of advice: 1) Whatever it is you want your kid to learn but they won't, do it yourself instead.  This way, any "living through them" you may be unconsciously experiencing, you take care of by making it happen in yourself.  And by you being involved in it, it more likely comes up in conversation and is part of the natural home environment, so your child has exposure to it without being annoyed by being forced into it. 2) Daven. This will help you clarify your goals and bring emotional relief.  3) Make your relationship with your child your priority.  Stop focusing on what you want from him and focus on how your relationship with him is, and make sure the interactions are enjoyable and positive.

So I am about to embark on learning Elazar's leining of the first aliyah.  It took me 2 years (almost a decade ago) to teach myself how to lein.  My husband assures me that my skill level is that of a 12 year old boy.  My brother sent me the trope, and I shall begin learning.  I'm curious how long it will take me--and I am an adult with a marvelous ability to focus.  Let's see what I'm asking of him.

Further, if I get fluent and sing it around him a lot, he will likely learn it pretty easily.

Classic Conflict

When I named the previous post "Zos Chanuka" I had in mind to write this one.  By the time I sat down to write it, it slipped my mind.  Although life's pace is slowing down, sometimes I have a dizzying amount of things on my mind.  Getting Chen's college application in was a huge relief, but there are still things to follow up on, play practice to drive to, doctor's appointments, and Jack wanted baseball cards so to earn them I said he can learn for $1 per session and now he keeps wanting to learn.  (מתוך שלא לשמה, בא לשמה, I keep saying to myself as he listens with half an ear and dreams of baseball cards.)

So on the last day of Chanuka, I davened before the boys were awake (that's been happening, so my grand plan of davening out loud has not been working as frequently as I like, and I prefer to daven before I start my day or it doesn't happen) but held off hallel until they were all around. 

(BTW, Elazar just came over to me and asked me to edit his story with him, but I had to refuse him because I have something scheduled in a few minutes.)

So I start singing hallel, and just as I start, Jack gets up to go play with the neighbors.  I gesture for him to stay for hallel.  The other two know that I like them to be around when I daven out loud, because they were usually awake when I did it.  But Jack sleeps late and rarely was around (which is ok, because out of the 3, he's most likely to go to minyan for social reasons and also pretty likely to have the zitzfleisch to learn the davening).  So he didn't know the protocol.  So he's getting annoyed that he has to stay there when he wants to go play.

So instead of davening being a fun, quick, singing hallel that kind of gets in their head that they hum later, hallel is turning into a sulking child and a frowning, chastising mom kind of a hallel.

Then I think: well, the idea is for them to have a positive association with tefila and want to do it.  And now he is getting upset and resentful.  So I'm actually accomplishing the exact opposite of my goals. (My other goal is for them to be familiar with davening, but at the expense of him resenting it?)

From an unschooling perspective, obviously no question--Jack should leave.  But I started it, and maybe I should demonstrate that it's important to me by insisting Jack stay?

Ultimately I shooed him out.  I didn't think it was worth having him there and being upset he had to be there.

I think in homeschool, we often end up choosing the relationship over pushing the lesson.  Either the relationship between parent and child, or the long term relationship to learning.  The child ends up learning less, but hopefully has more positive relationships.

Burning Chanuka Question

7yo came in this morning (he would have woken me up to ask this; happily I'm getting plenty of sleep these days and I wake up early most days) to ask:

Do we light the Chanuka candles on Shabbos?

I said no, we light before and we light after.

He said: Then how can it count for the day?

Excellent.  He's thinking halachically.  If we light before Shabbos, how can it count for that night?  Doesn't it need to be after nightfall? 

I reassured him that it's ok, we do light beforehand and it still counts.

But now I'm thinking about it.  How does that work halachically?

I do find about homeschooling, especially unschooling, that kids aren't mentally worn out from sitting so many hours and their curiosity is not dulled from studying things they are not interested in.  People who are in school have a hard time comprehending the urge to think about things when you don't "have" to.  I myself, a product of the school system, continue to be shocked by it.  But very often, my kids wake me up with "school" questions.