In the Ongoing Complicated Relationship I have

One of the things I like about Radical Unschooling is word choice, which helps frame things in a kinder, more effective way. Children are not "being difficult," they are "communicating needs." Children don't "misbehave" they are hungry, tired, drained, still lacking mature communication skills.

I've learned a lot of things that help me understand why I struggle when certain relationship dynamics come up with some of my children. I've discussed a lot of them in this post where I also linked to a few earlier examples of me trying to navigate these murky dynamics with one of my children where I frequently end up demoralized, overwhelmed, and unhappy with how it went.

An aspect that my friend recently pointed out to me is his attachment style. I was complaining that it seemed like he has radar for when I'm depleted. And then he asks me for something. And NO. I'm depleted. I'm wiped out. Why can't he ask when I have energy?

And then I get into a whole thing. I can have boundaries. I can say no. And I can say no nicely. (Except I can't, because I'm depleted) and so I say it not so nicely and then he gets upset and then he pushes harder and then I feel both worse AND angrier. I feel worse because I guess he really needs it AND I feel angrier because I'm so depleted and why is he doing this.
We go round and round and eventually I say a grudging and angry yes (and feel bad because if I was going to say yes I would have preferred to say a generous and immediate yes instead of creating a situation where he feels like his mother is begrudging and annoyed). Or I say an angry No and feel awful that he's not getting his needs met.
Sometimes, if I am fortunate and notice this as it's building, I can change my No to be a kinder No OR I can skip a number of the me saying I'm tired and him pushing more and more intensely and I can just get it for him. But I still felt overall like none of these were great choices. I am glad I can be kinder and clearer in my No and yeah I still wish I could catch the dance a little earlier and make it a Yes if I'm going to anyway. But what is with him and me? Why are we doing this? Why does he need me when I'm wiped out and why do we keep having this fight over and over?

My friend suggested that it was actually EXACTLY when I am depleted that his anxious attachment gets triggered. He has to test to see if I really do love him. Right at that moment.

And of course, I often fail. And don't give him his needs. And that "proves" to him that he's right to be anxious. Because he can't get his needs met. It's a pernicious, unhappy cycle.

He has a feel for when I'm extra depleted and then asks for attention specifically in a way that is extra irritating. So then he is "right" that I "don't love" him.

Yes, to some degree it's staying on top of his love language (gifts) so he's not depleted which definitely makes things worse between us.

But also he davka has a nose for waiting for my depleted moments and that's when he "needs" me. And of course I was failing and he was "right."

So now, armed with that insight, when I see him do it I don't tell myself "He needs me and wtf I'm too wiped out now."
I tell myself "He needs me BECAUSE I'm wiped out now."

He's nervous and so he checks.

And it was perpetuating him being right he can't depend on me.

So now that I know that, I have been finding it easier to find it in myself to give davka when he asks davka when I'm most depleted.

Because that's the love he seeks: do you even love me now when you have no mental space/energy for me.

Now that I know that's what he's seeking, I expect it more and it's not as shocking and surprising.

It's in my awareness. Like on my Pesach mental list is: 'go through chometz, kasher kitchen, make menus, find time and energy for J at the exact moment when I'm about to crack emotionally' etc.

Seder 2016

How were the sedarim this year?  I don't have that much to tell.  It was neither a great year nor an awful year.

We were not home for the sedarim.  We were with family at family friends.  That meant that the seder did not go according to our schedule.

While we were waiting for the seder to start, I took a bag of marshmallows and one of the boys asked why I took out marshmallows.  That served as our "karpas," an activity which doesn't belong in the normal way of things that triggers a question.  And Ari began telling the story to all the children, and I tossed out marshmallows for questions and answers.  So the first night Ari got to tell the story even before the seder began.  Once the seder started, Elazar (8) played chess with his friend.  I think Aharon fell asleep peacefully on the couch (which was the best thing I could hope for, that he would go without a massive tantrum or crying beforehand or during).  Jack (6) sat next to me and focused and paid attention the entire seder.  He didn't know exactly what was going on but he was happy to keep the place in the hagada with me.  He fell asleep in his chair during Hallel.  I handed Elazar matza when he got hungry, had him wash and read the bracha of hamotzi and al achilas matza.  He at maror with the rest of us and ate a sandwich.

Probably the funniest part was when we did "matza zu she'anu ochlim al shum ma?" "This matza that we eat--why?" And I said, "Elazar, you know why we eat matza!"  Because the boys have all been asking why do we eat matza, why can't we eat chometz.  And Elazar said, "Because when the Jews left Mitzrayim, their dough was left in the bread machine overnight and it didn't rise..."

It was nice in the sense that the boys were all thinking about the seder the days after it.  They came in to snuggle in the morning and they all had questions about Pesach and the halachos and the story.  So it ended up being fodder for discussion, which is part of the goal of the experience, I think.

Now Chana (14).  I think she fell through the cracks a bit.  Ari thought that I was handling it and for some reason he never quite sat down with her to tell her the story either night.  Obviously, she knows the story already.  In fact, before she stopped going to Chumash class, she was studying that section so she probably would have had some interesting things to contribute.  I don't know if he felt that she already graduated into the people who already know the story.

We had discussed before the seder about the Sforno's approach about Pharoah actually gaining his free will by having his heart hardened enough to refuse to listen without fear of the consequences (as opposed to the classic Rambam approach that Hashem took away Pharoah's free will and didn't allow him to set the Jews free).  And the purchase of R' Baruch Chait's Hagaddah was a great choice for her because she was very intrigued by the drawings.  (That reminds me, I would like to get an explanation for the midrash that the jew and mitzri both drank from the same place and one drank water and one drank blood.)

She also had drawn a picture before the seder when I asked her to envision how the story would look in anime.  ("Where Moshe is the awkward hero that turns bada$$ with the help of Gd," she told me.  And Aharon is the sidekick.)

(Note that Pharoah's posture gives a pretty clear explanation of leaning at the seder!)

But other than that, she sat at the seder, pretty uninterested, mostly waiting for it to be over.  Every time I tried to engage her by asking her a question or making an observation, she looked at me like she didn't comprehend what I was saying.  She said her brain couldn't process what I was saying.  She had no energy to think about the story, to engage emotionally or mentally with the seder.  It was discouraging.

I vaguely remember 14 not being a great seder year for Sarah.  At 13 or 14, we talked about the story for as long as she could tolerate (maybe 10 minutes?) and then zipped through the entire hagaddah because she wanted it to be over.  So this was similar, minus the ten minutes of discussion.  Which was sad, because that would have been nice, but on the other hand, she had been engaged in the free will aspect and relating to it artistically leading up to that night.  And she did very much like the art in the hagaddah.

So I look forward to hopefully one day engaging with Chana mentally about the story, because I think there are so many aspects which could be interesting to her psychologically and theologically.  L'shana haba b'Yerushalayim!

seder 2015

I want to preface this by saying that Ari thought the sedarim went great.  The following is my perception.

I found the chinuch aspects of the seder difficult to manage this year.  And I think this is relevant to homeschooling multi-age, multilevel children.

We started off with good preconditions for the seder.  I was remarkably relaxed.  The cleaning and cooking and prep seemed very manageable this year.  (Having to do with no Shabbos Chol Hamoed and no 3 day yontif, I think.)  We were having company for day meals (18 ppl both days) but the sedarim were just us.  That meant that we didn't have to take anyone else into consideration and we could do what was good for the children.

Elazar routinely stays up until 11ish.  No problem.  Jack can easily stay up until 10 or 10:30.  Aharon, age 3, fades around 8.  Just when the seder is starting.

Both nights, I was profoundly glad that we were in our own home and that we had no guests.  Ari said that sippur was great with the boys.  I was fielding the tantrums and the fights.  The boys were high energy, wild, active.  Just the sort of behavior that three boys ages 3-7 have past their bedtimes.  That in itself was okay.  Like I said, I'm glad we were home and their behavior wasn't inappropriate or disturbing to others.

But there were two other parties at the seder.  Sarah and her husband, and Chana, the teenager.

And here is where I felt like I was in one of those homeschool situations, trying to teach too many levels at the same time and simply being unable to.  In theory (back when I wasn't unschooling and used to teach) in a homeschool day, I choose the divide and conquer approach.  Older children do what they want or help with the youngers until it is their turn while I work one on one and rotate through the subjects and the children.  In this case, at the seder, I actually had help because Ari was doing half the "teaching."  But I was left with five very disparate situations: 1) a young man who was having his first seder away from home, and who was used to long and technical drashic discussions, 2) a young woman whose mind was awakened to knowledge and who thirsted to have the story discussed in the framework of our history and our current lives, and 3) a teenager who was bored out of her mind, 4) fighting children and 5) a tantruming 3yo.

I simply felt unequal to the task.  I felt like there were needs that I couldn't fulfill.  I felt that tonight is THE night charged with passing on the mesorah to the children on their level, and that it was simply not working.

I must say, that as a homeschooler for a decade and a half with large gaps between my children, this feeling was not an unfamiliar feeling.  I was sorry it was happening at the seder.  I want the seder to be a special, exhilarating night, that resulted in the littles having fun, the medium learning something new, and the olders experiencing growth, wisdom and understanding.

Perhaps I am too focused on the frustration.  Ari said that telling the story went beautifully to the boys.  Aharon asked about every single change and we had the joy of seeing him realize that something very special and unusual was happening.  Chana decided to tell me the story, and she remembered a lot of the details.  We did not come to a satisfactory resolution about why she should go over the story again when she clearly knows it.  I wanted to convey to her:

• just because you know the facts of the story doesn't mean there is not a lot to learn about the nuances
• now that you know the facts, you can move on to thinking about the purpose and the themes of the story
• you can try to understand the story on a more sophisticated level

I was frustrated in attempting to explain or demonstrate these points to her by her intense boredom and by the boys needing me so much.  This, too, is a familiar feeling from homeschool, where I am trying to work with an older child and the younger ones are fighting or crying or needing me.  

The first night, was, I believe, frustrating for Sarah and Moshe.  On the second night ("second chance seder shel galuyos," I think of it as), I put Aharon to bed quickly, in order to prevent meltdowns.  And soon after, I sent Jack and Elazar up to bed, since they were extremely wild (knocking chairs down wild) and loud, even though they could have stayed awake.  Even in that case, I felt like Chana got the shaft this year.  The seder ideally would have been at her level, trying to bring her to a new level of understanding, while going quickly enough to not bore her.  Alas, she was very bored.  I felt like I was trying to navigate the needs of both parties, and ended up doing a mediocre job of both.  It was emotionally unpleasant and disheartening.

Ironically, I belong to a group called "One positive action one day at a time" and the one small action I chose was to   to let the seder unfold however and be in the moment and not have preconceived notions of how it "should" go..  I think expectations are an enemy.  I think they cause people to feel bad about themselves for not conforming to something that is in the imagination and to lose sight of the perfectly adequate and good things that are happening.  However, despite my desire to have no expectations, I did indeed have unconscious expectations, and, expectations aside, I was simply overwhelmed with the many things that were happening.  Like I said, this was a familiar feeling.  I think had I not been hoping for a grand educational experience, I wouldn't have been so bummed out by how the seder went.  But it still would have been chalked up to "one of those homeschool days."  

I believe (but don't quote me, since Chana tells me my memory is notoriously unreliable) that when Sarah was this age, the first seder we talked until she was finished, and then she sat on the couch while Ari and I went through the rest of the seder very quickly without discussion.  And the second seder (where we hosted Ari's family) she begged to be excused and reread Harry Potter.  So I know I have to be patient and be understanding of Chana's emotional and intellectual level. 

Not every day goes well.  Not every dynamic is great.  I try to think about what aspects didn't go well and if there was anything I could have done to improve it.  And keep doing my best.  

As I sit here writing this, Aharon is putting bissili on his fingers and doing arithmetic, subtraction, comparing and contrasting (all things I see in workbooks, except he's making up his own problems and figuring it out himself and thinking it is tremendous fun).  

Seder Challenge 2014: What actually happened

I got the boys to nap in the afternoon.  I was of two minds about this.  On one hand, maybe just put them to bed at 8pm and they'll have seder when they are old enough.  On the other hand, they are old enough to remember it is special and exciting, and with a nap, they'll be able to manage.  It was a challenge to get them to sleep, but it did pay off.  They were alert, not cranky, and not wild.  We were guests for both sedarim this year.  When we are home, we do one seder with just the family and no guests so that we can tailor it completely to the children's needs.  This year, Sarah was old enough to participate with the general seder, but Ari did the boys the first night as soon as he captured their attention (I wore a hat that kids get from the matza factory and was asked why I was wearing it a few times, which segued into conversation about how telling the story of the night is best done via questions and answers), pretty soon after Karpas.  Chana sat next to me the first night, and as you know, I had been wracking my brain the previous week trying to figure out what would be the most interesting thing for her during the seder.

Sometimes you just get lucky.  As I sat next to her, I asked her questions as I thought of them.  I tried to think of questions that she might find interesting.  At one point, I asked her why she thought blood was the first plague.  Like what was Hashem trying to accomplish with the plagues, and how was blood a good first choice.  Chana gave a solid explanation about how the Nile was the source of all their sustenance, how it was a deity, and how blood would have a powerful emotional effect.  I asked her why she thought frogs would be next.  This question really captivated her and for the next hour, she hypothesized about each plague and why it was chosen and why that order.  She was more satisfied with some of her answers than others, and she made a few points that I had never thought of.  It was a fantastic discussion, completely driven by her and her interest, and she kept coming up with theories and was eager to discuss it.  It was everything I hoped and wished for in terms of her being excited, involved, and stimulated.

The second night I put the boys to bed before the seder.  Ari sat next to Chana and I sat next to Sarah.  It was a really profound experience for me to sit next to Sarah.  We sort of had our own little chevrusa during the seder.  It's remarkable to be at the end of the chinuch road, and to see Sarah so interested in learning, so capable of analytic thought, and so thoughtful in the answers she gives to questions.
At one point, she said that the essence of the hagada is to tell the story, but we always tell the story for the little kids, and we never do "sippur" (telling the story) on an advanced level for adults.  So I told her to tell it to me, and she did, and it was fascinating to hear her perspective and which details she chose to include.  At one point she admitted that it was probably advisable to take out a chumash and actually look more closely at the pesukim!  I hope that as the children grow, we will be able to take her up on that.

the Seder Challenge 2014 III

I like the general approach of thinking of questions that might appeal to Chana and then asking her thoughts.

- Were the Makkos fair?  Is that how punishments should work?  What is the goal of a punishment?

- What is the point of doing Makkos if Hashem promised from the beginning that Pharoah would refuse?  Is Hashem playing games with Pharoah?


This reminds me of the list of questions I made in 2008, when Sarah was... 12, actually!  I wrote each question on a strip of paper, and put one on every plate, and we went around the room and everyone answered his or her question.  I tried to choose questions that could be answered on all levels.  I would LOVE some new questions.

Which mitzvah do you find the hardest?  How does it help you become a better person?

What do you think was the worst part of being slaves in Mitzrayim?

What part of yetziyas mitzrayim do you wish you could see?

What do you think was the hardest part for Moshe?

Which makka do you think you would have been able to wait out?

Which makka would you beg Moshe to ask Hashem to stop?

Which is more impressive, Yam Suf or the Makkos?

Do the mitzvos make us slaves or set us free?

Tell the story of Yetzias Mitzrayim  in your own words

How does having matza and no chometz for a week make you feel about food?

the Seder Challenge 2014 II

So I started off having a conversation.  With teens, it's always best to hear what they are thinking and get their input.

There were tears and screaming.  Not mine, this time, I'm happy to report.  Here are the highlights:

-It won't be fun, it can't be fun, it will never be fun.
-She already knows the story.  If I want it to be fun, go back in time 6 years when she didn't know the story and was excited to learn it.  Now she knows it.
-She does not want to read the story again.
-She doesn't want to learn it inside; it's Daddy's responsibility to tell it to her.
-(And she already knows it)

So I conclude that having her read it inside and seeing what new insights emerge is NOT going to work this year.

I'm going to need a different approach where somehow it is interesting.

the Seder Challenge

One of the interesting things I learned about the Seder is that the essence of Hagada is not written in the Hagada.  The mitzva of Sipur Yetzias Mitzrayim, to tell your child the story of the Exodus, is done in many forms (using question answer, using props ["pesach, matza, maror"], using "drasha").  But the mishna (Pesachim 10:4) says:
ולפי דעתו של בן אביו מלמדו
The father should teach his child according to the child's ability.  That means, by definition, it can't be a formulaic telling of the story.  It has to be tailored to the particular child.  (We homeschoolers are familiar with this approach.)

I once heard a shiur by R' Pinny Rosenthal (and it might even be somewhere on the internet) where he suggested taking time to prepare before the Seder.  To think about each child that will be at the Seder and where they are at, mentally and emotionally, and to think about what aspect of the story will appeal to them, and what methodology would be most effective to use to tell it to them.  Yes, this takes preparation.  In addition to preparing the house and preparing food, preparing for the Seder by thinking about how you are going to do the mitzva of "sippur" [telling the story] to your children is perhaps the most fundamental preparation.

I was thinking about this for Chana this year.  She is probably the most challenging.  The boys still don't know the story that well or what exactly will be happening during the Seder, and the activities of the night themselves will be fascinating (if they stay awake).  Sarah is older and will be able to participate on a sophisticated level.  The 12 year old, Chana, however, already knows the story and doesn't enjoy learning very much.

I remember when Sarah was that age, one year we chose a particular makka (plague) to study more intensely during the seder.  She chose which one she found most intriguing, and we read it carefully and talked about it.  Another year we made a huge chart with all sorts of factors and during the seder we looked at which makos had which factors (like who did the plague, was there a warning, did Pharoah negotiate, etc).

What I would really love to do with Chana this year is somehow help her find some joy in the process of limud Torah.  I feel like all our learning together has been so focused on skillwork, it has made her reluctant to play with Torah and to enjoy thinking about it.  She does ask questions because the human mind naturally comes up with questions, but she doesn't enjoy thinking about them or wondering or pondering.

Chana has done the story of Shmos and it will be interesting to see how much of the text she can easily translate, and how much she doesn't remember.  Perhaps for the next week (before Pesach), I should have her read it in Hebrew and ask me for translation of any word of phrase she doesn't remember, with the goal of thinking about the story as a whole and thinking deeply about it and pondering and asking questions.

Will reading it in Hebrew be too difficult for her to ALSO think about it?  Or are her skills up to the task?  Will she become too fatigued from translating to think about it in a deeper way?

Is there a better way to have her engage intellectually and emotionally with the story?  What is it?

hagada and seder

Here is the Hagada I printed out this year.  There's not much to it.  I made it so they can color in the Hebrew letters.  I made some spaces for them to practice writing (script or print) and left room to color or to cut things out and paste them.  We use construction paper to cut matzas and karpas and maror etc.  I'm doing this because I've been hired to teach it.  For my own kids, I do nothing to prepare for Seder.  (Nothing with them [unless they request].  I do think about each child on his or her level and how to engage them best at the Seder.)

As a rule, Ari prefers that our preschool children walk into the Seder knowing nothing or as little as possible.  He prefers to do as much teaching as possible that night, and if they don't know the story yet, he wants it to be for the first time at the Seder.  He doesn't want them to know the order of what is coming.  He wants the strange order and strange things to be a surprise.  He wants those things to get the children to ask, to engage them, to get them interested and questioning.

He does not want the Seder to be about children telling what they learned.  He wants to do "והגדת לבנך ביום ההוא," to tell his children on that day the story of what happened.