The Difficulty with Tefila

Is it a good year for more intensive chinuch? Every year I wonder how Torah learning is going to play out. I want to continue the philosophy of them being able to choose to refuse. And I also want to make sure that we are being mechanech that we value Torah learning. Walking that line without forcing or pressuring or panicking is not easy. 

I don't keep track of their grades, but I think we are in middle school and early high school now. 

Since davening is a challenge for all of them, we decided to incentivize shul this year for Rosh Hashana. We made deals for them to come for the silent and repetition of mussaf. (Generally the majority of them sleep late in the morning and we have better luck with mincha/maariv than shacharis, both because of the ADHD length factor and the teenage late circadian rhythm factor). I was going to get them some fancy game like Mario Kart that they are reluctant to buy for themselves because of the expense. But they all end up preferring the matching amount in cash. We haggled through Shabbos lunch a couple of weeks ago, debating whether haggling about money on Shabbos was allowed (we decided it was like doing an auction at shul). I told them to negotiate an incentive that will make them feel excited to go to shul. Like they are earning something they're excited about and it's a worthwhile deal. I don't want them going to shul thinking they are getting the short end of the deal.

I also got them to agree to sit down with me for 7 minutes Mon-Thur so we can go through the mussaf Shemona Esrei together, so they have some idea of what they are saying, what the words mean and what the themes are.

Even 7 minutes has been a challenge, and reminds me why I unschool. (As one of them snarkily remarked about the daily 7 minutes: "We aren't unschooling anymore because I don't want to do this.") They are all close enough in age/ability that it's almost like a little classroom. They are all squirmy and reluctant.

One of them said, "Why can't I just read the English in shul?" I said you absolutely can. But without preparation, you aren't really going to understand the English. Even the English is complicated. Which we saw as we sat down to read it together.

I've been trying to give them a sense of the structure of the mussaf. It really is amazing how quickly they can get bored, how difficult it is go through the words, and how complex the phrases are.

I can really see why tefila is so arduous and meaningless for them. I hope at the end of these few weeks they'll have a sense of the themes and some of what they are saying. But they'd do better with a WAY simplified version. When I think of them struggling through the unfamiliar words and barely understanding what they are saying for hours, I can see why shul doesn't pull them.

I hope that spending the time preparing with them will be helpful in the long term and isn't too painful now. I'm keeping it short and I hope it will help them find it more meaningful. I don't know how much meaning they will find in shul this year. I hope as they mature they will eventually be able to find meaning in the long, complex prayers we say. I think studying them is essential to finding meaning in them. I'm trying to show them how much depth there is and how much there is to think about.

I was going to shorten the time because 7 minutes is a bit too long. But we are still in the middle of zichronos and there are only 2 sessions left. I don't know how much we will make through shofaros. I guess next year is another opportunity b'ezras Hashem.

chinuch and al pi darko

I have wrestled with the question many times of what will make a child love Torah and love mitzvos and what will make a child reject and hate it. What will make a child grow up to attend shul and will those same actions (nudging, pushing) cause a future abhorrence.

The confusing thing seemed to me that if you ask people "what did your parents do that encouraged you to go to minyan" and if you ask people "what did your parents do that made you avoid minyan" you'll find an overlap. Sometimes the very same actions people say worked is exactly what other people say backfired. 

Well, I'm pretty sure no one ever said "They made it fun and exciting and I swore I'd never do it again." 

But I think you'll find divisiveness on "they were firm and pushed me to do it even though I objected" and equal divisiveness on "they let it go and were relaxed about it." (Though come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever heard an adult say "I dropped it because it didn't seem like it was a priority to my parents." I have heard others denounce parents and say "If you don't show your children it's a priority, they won't know and they won't do it.")

So I was all muddled about this for a while. It's especially confusing when I'm trying to decide if unschooling and trust the process is a good idea. Or if I'm abdicating responsibility and making a huge mistake.

But recently I've come to some conclusions. And it seems so obvious to me now, I wonder why I didn't always see it this way. 

My children have very different personalities. I've found it useful when thinking about this area to look through the lens of Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies which frames what types of habit forming strategies work for different types of people.

Looking at my children through the above lens has allowed me to really carefully craft their "obligations" or "good for them activities" (i.e. "mitzvos") through strategies that speak to their tendencies. While one of my children may love structure and love accomplishing, another will shut down completely if there is a whiff of obligation.

In addition to that, there is also neurodiversity and learning style, which greatly affects whether someone is the type who can sit in the beis medrash or even sit through shacharis. And then there is the early riser vs. the night owl in terms of who is physically going to be really struggling with morning minyan. 

There's a reason why we have different expectations from different children. Some children are social and if their friends do it, they'll be inclined to do it. Some children are upholders and are pretty driven and motivated. Some children are just going to go the opposite direction if you push them. 

I just think a lot of this is personality and nature. I'm sure as parents we can do a lot of things to make things worse. But assuming we don't make things worse and can get out of the way, it seems like a lot of this comes down to personality. And that it's really important to factor personality into chinuch.

I know that an Eisav can be a Dovid HaMelech. But an Eisav is never going to be a Yaakov. As my children grow up, it just seems to me that for some children, gentle chinuch works beautifully. And for others, even Herculean efforts might be counter-productive and the best thing you can do is show love and support and shut up (which is a different but equally important Herculean effort). It seems the more I look at it, certain types of strategies are going to be a really bad idea for some kids and be at best indifferent for others. And other strategies will work really well--but it depends on the child's personality.

I'm reminded of Koheles perek 11:6

בַּבֹּ֙קֶר֙ זְרַ֣ע אֶת־זַרְעֶ֔ךָ וְלָעֶ֖רֶב אַל־תַּנַּ֣ח יָדֶ֑ךָ כִּי֩ אֵֽינְךָ֨ יוֹדֵ֜עַ אֵ֣י זֶ֤ה יִכְשָׁר֙ הֲזֶ֣ה אוֹ־זֶ֔ה וְאִם־שְׁנֵיהֶ֥ם כְּאֶחָ֖ד טוֹבִֽים׃

Chazal say have children or students both in your youth and in your old age. Because you have no idea what's going to work out. 

It's kind of comforting to have Chazal shrug and say, "It's a numbers game."

(I have a feeling that this post can be VASTLY misinterpreted so I reserve the right to clarify in the future.)

Learning Shemona Esrei

E's mostly fluent in shemona esrei now. So looking back, it took him about 2 months.  We are practicing 3x a week for 10 minutes, and if he finishes before time, he can stop early.

The last 2 paragraphs need a bit more fluency, but now we've started the other shemona esreis. Maariv, shacharis, mincha, for shabbos. The same 10 minutes 3x a week. Then on to musaf for Shabbos, musaf for rosh chodesh, musaf for Shabbos Rosh Chodesh, and shemona esrei for yontif. There's plenty to go.

In the meantime, I'd like to learn Torah with him. I think he'd enjoy thinking about ideas. But we'll hold off on that for now, and work on fluency.

The goal is for him to be able to finish shemona esrei with the tzibbur before they start chazaras hashatz.

The Wall of Awful and Davening

Tefila is not progressing as I would have hoped. Sure, we could medicate and maybe he could learn it more quickly. But he's going "at his own pace" and that is an exceedingly slow pace, indeed.

We've been arguing about reading Yaale V'Yavo. He's not up to it in shemona esrei. (He's nowhere near it.) I said it comes up every Rosh Chodesh, every chag, in bentching and in davening, he may as well get fluent at it. He said it takes him a minute and 30 seconds and he only wants it to take 30 seconds. I said practice it and it will take 30 seconds. It seems awful to him. He whines. (I'm glad he's not in school and this is not a daily, hourly battle.)

He's been having trouble with davening in general. It recently got to the point where he's been skipping breakfast. Because you can't eat before davening. And then he davens right before chatzos.

I've come to understand from Chen that tasks that seem to be not so difficult yet are procrastinated is a feature of ADHD. This is called "the wall of awful." Here is the video that explains it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg

This whole video was pretty eye opening for me. Especially as I'm the type of person who doesn't have much trouble pushing myself to do things I don't especially feel like doing. It's a feature of ADHD that they have a much harder time "forcing" or "making" themselves do things they find distasteful. I know many people think, "I also don't like doing things I don't want to do. But I do it!" But it seems to me that there is significant neurodivergence here. E would actually develop tics, anxiety, and mutilate himself (in the event that he actually can even manage to do it).

So basically, he's spending the whole morning gearing up to daven. It takes him that long.

I asked a friend of mine if he thought E should be allowed to have breakfast and not skip it. Or would that make E feel like the mitzvos are too bendable. He said that's a question for a posek. I was trying to decide which posek to consult. One who has an understanding of the emotional elements of ADHD.

I consulted Chen, who suggested that he say birchas haTorah and then have a quick bowl of cereal. So he does some form of praise/request/thanks even if it's not the official one.

I sat down with E this morning and spoke to him about the Wall of Awful and how it's something he's dreading every day. I asked if eating breakfast would help and he said that he doesn't want to do that, since breakfast is the thing that motivates him to daven--so that he can eat. And if we remove that, he has no motivation. He doesn't want to do it and he only does it because of the chiyuv and he can only bring himself to do it if he's waiting to eat breakfast.

I suggested maybe he wants to move tefilin to mincha time instead. He said no, then it's hanging over his head for longer and the Wall of Awful is there for longer.

So we are trying to strategize and it's still challenging. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'm all ears.

 

On Waking Teenage Boys in Time for Shema

I knew this was going to be an issue. It's a known scientific phenomenon that teenagers have a delayed sleep cycle. Science has recommended (unfortunately to little avail) that teenagers start school no earlier than 10:30am. Teenagers go to sleep later and wake up later. ("this sleep deprivation is due in part to pubertal changes in the homeostatic and circadian regulation of sleep." and "In this review of human and animal literature, we demonstrate that delayed sleep phase during puberty is likely a common phenomenon in mammals, not specific to human adolescents.")

Shema is earlier than 10:30.

Yesterday, my husband and I were discussing whether or not to wake up our teenager for Shema.

As I see it, the question is: What action now is going to most likely end up with an adult who wakes up and says Shema b'zmano (in time)?

The trouble is, either action we take has a risk:

• Wake him up, and he may get annoyed and rebel and resent and not grow up to say Shema.
• Let him sleep, and he may get the feeling that it is not a priority and doesn't really matter and we didn't make enough effort to express our values.

I believe that half the people in shul as adults attribute it to their parents nudging/pushing/encouraging/valuing it.

And half the people who hate shul blame their parents for nudging/pushing/nagging about it.

How do we know which personality falls into which half? We don't.

Honestly, sometimes I envy those parents who tell their children their values and their children follow those values. This is not my first rodeo and to stick with the metaphor, some horses buck. 

So for now we are taking the position that teenagers sleeping late is shogeg (violation via carelessness, not via intentionality) אנוס רחמנא פטריה (against his will unable to do the mitzva) for biological reasons and hope that in the future, when his circadian rhythms revert to more normal hours, he'll desire to say Shema in its time.

For now, when it comes up, we have conversations about davening where I try to explain the value of taking the time to think about these ideas at the beginning, middle, and end of the day.

Last week I read R' Soloveitchik's idea about tefila being an appointment with Hashem, and how you don't show up late to an appointment. Hashem generously made hours for the appointment.

My son commented that he personally would have tried to get an appointment for later in the day if he had a choice. 

As I was writing this just now, I asked him: "If there was a king, and you could speak to the king about your needs, and ask for anything, would you wake up early to do it?"

"Probably," he admitted. Pause. "But, if I were seeing the king every day..."

Time To Make ADHD Official

 I haven't been writing so much because as the boys get older, I'm becoming more aware of their privacy. I asked E his opinion about writing about this next step and he gave permission. 

Now that he's bar mitzva, he's been struggling to learn the davening (the entire year leading up to his bar mitzva was nowhere near enough time). The good news is that he doesn't feel like he's struggling. He just dislikes it and we don't do it much and it goes slowly. We do it 4x a week for under 5 minutes at a time. As I mentioned, this teeny amount of sitting results in that he doesn't have the bandwidth for mishna anymore.

I've really been unsure how to proceed. Is it the time to unschool and let him decide when to do it? I've always thought that eventually a child would be motivated and then it would come quickly. It seems to me there is a learning disability here, it's blocking motivation, and even if he is motivated, there will be no learning quickly.

At the same time, he does love to think and to learn, and the more I push and impose, the less energy, inclination and motivation he has for true and real-to-him learning.

On the other hand, this may be the kind of thing that when he grows up, he'll say to me, "Ma, I wish you would have pushed me a little more. Then I would know how to daven." <--That's something that usually unschoolers fret about and experienced unschoolers say is not a worry. Because a feature of unschooling is the confidence and experience that when you want to learn something, then you figure out how to learn it or you get help.

And yet, something is telling me that he's ready. He's ready for some nudging. And if this is not hard core unschooling, well, he's my oldest son and sometimes I'm just not deschooled enough and don't trust enough and maybe Torah is too important and maybe I'll relax after him and look back and say "I was too pushy and I could have had the trust and confidence to let it go."

I was walking with him on the beach and asking him what he likes to do and he said he'd like to learn coding but he thinks he's lazy.

That was kind of a shock because I don't believe that laziness actually exists. If a person wants to do something, they figure it out. If they don't do it, there are reasons. Conflicts. Difficulties. 

I asked him if he knows what neurodiversity means. He didn't. I explained that some people's brains work differently than most of the population. I said I'm not sure, but his might. That may be why he doesn't like to do certain types of work. Because it hurts his brain. That may not be the case, and if so we'll have to figure out how he can do learning that he wants but also doesn't want to do, if he chooses. But it's worth checking out if his brain is neurodiverse. He agreed.

I then looked into testing. The place we used for his older sibling is closed for covid now. And I also read that for special ed services in college (which Chen is making great use of and having a FANTASTIC college experience so far bh) he'll need to have been tested within 3 years of 18. So I'll hold off a few more years. In the meantime, though, I do think it's time to pursue the ADHD diagnosis to see if him having access to medication affects his ability to concentrate and do the type of learning he's interested in doing. Then we can test in a few years to see if he has any other learning disabilities.

Why I love learning with my kids

Today we learned the bracha of Teshuva (2nd request in Shemona Esrei).  I asked E:
When we ask H' for something, is it something we can control or H' can control?
He said: It depends.
I said: Teshuva.  Who is in control of that? Us or Him?
E: Us.
Me: So what are we asking for?
E:...
E: He could put the thought into our head...
Me: Is that what we are asking for? Mind control?
E: No, I wouldn't want that
Me: It's a riddle.  Go forth and think

The following is my probably inaccurate memory summarizing our conversation

This morning we had a little parent teacher conference about some aspects of bar mitzva readiness.  Ari was considering buying siddurim for each kid.  Notwithstanding that we already have 2 children's siddurs on the shelf (and boy #3 is often still asleep when I do tefila in the morning) that the boys already don't use, I didn't think it was a good idea to have the kids follow along while I daven.

Right now, I daven out loud.  They play video games and sing along when they feel like it.  I feel that having them follow along (or I even considered Elazar just standing next to me for shemona esrei and me being motzi him that way) would be excruciatingly boring for them and not confer any actual benefit.  I suggested that during Avos U'Banim, when Ari has the kids for learning, he work on reading Shema, Shemona Esrei, bentching and other brachos achronos. (And Asher Yatzer, which I forgot to mention.) 

The question is, will E be able to daven 3x a day with a minyan and a full davening?  If not, what is the bare halachic minimum?  Ari asked what about birchas Kriyas Shema.  I am singing them out loud to Elazar every day. (Not maariv, but shacharis.)  So he is becoming familiar with them.  I don't know that making him sit with an open siddur would help, and it can definitely pain him and make him miserable.  And if, at bar mitzva age, E finds he cannot focus on the whole thing and have kavana, and he hates it, then what do we recommend for him?  Just Shema and Shemona Esrei 2x a day.  Mincha just Shemona Esrei.  Bare minimum halachic requirements. 

Ari wants to make sure that E can count at a minyan.  To that end, he will need to know how to respond (amens, kedusha, kaddish, etc).  I suggested Ari go through that with him.  Is it better to do that at the minyan or outside the minyan?  (As I don't know, I leave that to Ari's discretion.)

Ari also felt that he had pushed E too much during Avos U'Banim.  I told him that I had discovered from my learning with E that he enjoys learning trope outside the context of reading and translating.  And he enjoys translating when he doesn't have to read (meaning you read the word to him and he translates) and he enjoys understanding the pesukim when you tell him the general translation but it loses enjoyment for him when he has to sit and decode a lot.  He'd rather each word or phrase in the pasuk be read to him, ask him what the words mean and have him answer/guess, then tell him generally as a whole what the pasuk means. 

I said that I think that not pushing reading and translating makes sense.  Because he enjoys other aspects of learning Torah.

• If you read it to him, he likes translating some of the words if he knows them
• If you sing him the trope, he likes learning and repeating the trope
• If you tell him what the pasuk means, he enjoys thinking about it

He does NOT like reading.  He does not like going slowly and translating it.  Will having him do that increase the likelihood that he will learn Torah in the future?

Will having him read and decode increase his future ability to learn Torah because he will have the skills?

These are important questions.  (Wish I knew the answers!)  It seems to me that focusing on the parts he enjoys and not pushing the parts that pain him will keep his learning positive and enjoyable.  This will increase the probability that he will learn Torah as an adult.

But what about his lacking skills?  Either he will be motivated to gain skills, or he will learn using translations.  My sense is that pushing the skills will more likely end up (in E's particular case) with him avoiding future Torah learning.

I said to Ari that I think focusing on the 3 types of learning that he enjoys above and avoiding what he dislikes will make him more likely to learn Torah by himself at age 25.  Ari said, "Really?"  

It's kind of scary to not do the "classic" educational stuff.  Will we be providing him with the education necessary to be a ben Torah?  

On the other hand, traditional education would be a disaster for this particular child.  We are already out of the box.  It's a tough line to figure out what is "pushing too hard" and what is "avoiding our responsibility to make sure he is capable of fulfilling his responsibilities."  What is he capable of and what is he truly not capable of?  What will foster a joy and love of Torah and what will push him away?  What can he really handle and what is a good idea for him to handle?

With so many kids who have gone through the school system being disinterested, not halachically observant, not having a strong emotional and spiritual relationship to Torah, and lacking skills, at least I feel I can't do worse than that with alternative education.  That's not a very high bar, though.

bar mitzva prep

I'm still not sure what to do with E's learning.  The bar mitzva is in about a year.  Ari has his goals neatly mapped out: teach him maftir, teach him birchas hatorah, before and after, teach him birchas hahaftorah, before and after.  He can daven at his own pace with an English translation, and do as much or little as he is ready for.

My goals are murkier.  I often joke that I'm an educational control freak.  The dark side of that (okay, I admit that being a control freak of anything is mostly all dark side) is that I tend to have grand plans that are unrealistic and unpleasant for the people I yearn to impose them on.  I've avoided a lot of that by unschooling. 

But now Elazar agreed to learn "in preparation for his bar mitzva" and I am not sure what to do.  I want to learn his parsha with him.  But does that mean learning to leyn? To read and translate?  Should I just read him the pesukim and the translation?  What exactly is best to do with this time?

I asked my friend and was advised: Do what is pleasant.

Basic, pithy, and obvious.  And difficult to implement!

I don't think he likes it very much.  It's hard for him to sit.  So far we've done 1 and a half pesukim in about 8 sessions.  I think it's short enough that he doesn't dread it, but he doesn't look forward to it or enjoy it.

And this morning I realized that it would be nice if he can fluently read bentching because when he is bar mitzva, he'll be old enough to lead mezumen.  So now I'm wondering if I should just go through his parsha with him and have me translate it so he understands it, and then work on his reading. 

Choices, choices.

Summer Update II: Camp

On a camp note, Aharon is in camp and he dreads the learning.  He said the davening is tolerable but the learning is so long and boring.  The whole davening and learning is from 9-11:30 with recess.  I really may have to look into a more modern Orthodox camp where learning is only 45 minutes.  I'm honestly considering driving him to camp after learning.  But then he misses davening, and he likes davening well enough.  And it's not like he has to "learn to tolerate it."  He's a trooper and can sit through it.  Watching him sniffle and rub his eyes this morning as he waited for the bus was pretty agonizing, though.  I offered to buy him a lego set to offset the pain of the learning.  I also told him that he doesn't actually have to do the work (as far as I can see, it is Hebrew word finds and parsha coloring pages) but he looked at me like I was nuts for saying he doesn't have to.  I offered to write the Rebbi a note and he declined.  He has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.  He does love the sports, though.  However, he's so looking forward to not sitting through learning that he won't even consider going to camp at all.

Sometimes I ask myself, how is it that none of my children can sit through standard learning?  He's not adhd.  How is it that he finds it such agonizing torture?  Why do my kids have such thin skin and inability to tolerate it? Is this going to be a problem later in life?

And sometimes I think to myself: sitting passively for a long time and doing activities that you find boring IS torture.  My kids are just not habituated to tolerating that.  Homeschooled kids as a general rule are not. 

Summer Update I: bar mitzva prep

Things have been kind of brewing under the surface.  Everyone grew recently.  Lots and lots of inches.  Suddenly, they are all big. 

Elazar has been showing an interest in davening.  He asked about going to mincha, because it seemed short.  A week or two after that, he asked to go on a specific day (or Ari invited him, I don't remember).  And now he's been going to mincha regularly and asking about maariv on Motzei Shabbos. 

This past week I told him that he can daven in English, and he said what about saying Hashem's name? Doesn't that have to be in Hebrew?  I said ideally yes and he can say "Adonai" if he sees "God" but if it's too difficult, he can just say it in English.  He got pretty excited about that but asked how he will know the English.  I showed him that there are siddurs with English and he was thrilled.  Ari gave him one in shul.  Yesterday I told him that there is no rush to finish the whole thing while everyone is davening, and if he wants to slow down and try to understand parts of it a little at a time, that's more important than actually saying the whole thing.  He said but he can't ask either of us what something means in the middle of davening--me because I'm not there, and Ari because he's davening.  We said you can ask us later or just try to figure it out from context.

On a side note, the boys played a trivia game yesterday and I understood from the adult playing with them that it was a game "for those who are in school," i.e. my kids didn't know the answers.

I'm trying to think carefully about Elazar's next year.  I want to prepare him for as much as he can do before his bar mitzva, but I want to be very careful.  It seems to me that waiting a year or two or five or even ten for him to be motivated and do things with joy and because of his own desire would be FAR preferable than pushing him to do it so he is ready and capable at bar mitzva.  It's a tricky line.  The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to wait.  On the other hand, there is something about anticipating responsibility and preparing for it with respect and eagerness. (I suppose "eagerness" being key, and if "eagerness" slides into "dread" maybe we want to stop well before that.)

Davening Goals

Davening has a way of clarifying goals.  I've been trying to figure out the easiest way for Elazar to learn how to leyn.  He'll be 12 soon.  I started learning his parsha and the first aliyah is SO MUCH more difficult than the last 3 pesukim of maftir.  I started focusing on the trope because he wanted to go to the ice cream store.  I said I'll take him every couple of weeks and we'll learn the trope.  All the boys are doing it together and we've been enjoying ice cream.

One of the things I've been davening for is that Elazar should have an easy time grasping and remembering the trope, and that it should come easily to him.  That's not something that's in human control.

I realized as I was davening about it this morning, that if I could fast forward fifteen years into the future, and see that Elazar loves to learn Torah, is shomer mitzvos, can make parnassah, and has the promise of a loving and healthy relationship, then I wouldn't care a whit if he could leyn or not.

My 2010 educational goals (seems like it's about time for a conscious re-evalution; a lot has shifted in almost a decade) already need a reboot because I discovered via the turbulent teen years that I had focused on love of learning and shortchanged love of mitzvos.  One of my most frequent tefilos is that my children should love Torah AND mitzvos. 

This doesn't just work by invoking Divine Intervention (though tefila acknowledges that human efforts are essentially insufficient for success).  It focuses me every day.  When I daven that my children should love mitzvos, it affects how I speak about mitzvos.  It affects my relationship with mitzvos.  It helps me pay attention to how mitzvos are good and useful and keeps my attitude more positive.  It frames how I speak to them about mitzvos.  Basically, davening strongly affects how these conversations and interactions go--in a laws of nature kind of way.

Davening about leyning this morning was a weird experience.  I've davened for it before, because I find that davening helps ME keep a value or goal in the forefront of my mind.  It's easier for me to keep motivated about practicing the trope with him when I davened for it that morning.  Years ago my Rabbi mentioned that when asking God for something, the first question to ask ourselves is, "Have I done everything possible according to the laws of nature to achieve this?"  It's kind of chutzpadik to lie in bed staring at the window and davening that Hashem should open the window for me.  Get out of bed and open the window! (If you can't, have physical disability or emotional resistance, then of course davening is not chutzpadik.) (And [sidepoint] it's also okay to be chutzpadik in davening, too.)

This time, while davening, I was just hit with the feeling of What If I were to know that leyning wouldn't work out for him, but I got my usual tefila answered--that he loves Torah and Mitzvos?

It was clear to me what the answer is.

Not to say that I plan to stop trying to facilitate his leyning.  I think if it's not too painful or too stressful*, participating in minyan in the fullest way possible is an important part of being grown up and being part of the community.
(*Big IF)

But it's an important perspective.

minecraft shul

Elazar (on advice of his friend) made a shul in Minecraft.

unschooling davening

More on the idea that if I want my kids to do something, instead of hocking them about it, I should focus on it myself.

I have been taking my own advice and been davening out loud since October.  I like to daven first thing or I get lost in the day and have a hard time getting back to it.  But some mornings I go to work (or have to get ready to go) before they are awake.  Some mornings they are watching videos or wearing headsets.  Some mornings they actively leave the house when I start davening.

Some mornings, it's just lovely.  I say birchas haTorah out loud, then kriyas shema with brachos out loud.  Then I move to my silent shemona esrei.  It takes about ten minutes, no big deal.  Hallel on hallel days. (I'm considering expanding my repertoire to baruch she'amar, ashrei, yishtabach, and aleinu, but "tafasta meruba lo tafasta," grab too much and you grab nothing, so I'm sticking with what I'm doing for now.)  Some mornings they are just quietly playing video games while I daven.  Some mornings they keep catching my eye and I smile at them, and they sing along different parts with me. 

So many times I felt there was not a lot of point in doing this in terms of them learning the tefila.  I felt there was value in them seeing me daven every day, there is value in me davening out loud, but does it help them learn it at all?  Especially with videos blaring at the same time?  But part of the magic of davening is that it is תדיר, it is frequent, and over the course of many, many, many, many apparently meaningless times, you get times with great value and meaning. 

I'm actually surprised that it has only taken four months and they sometimes sing along.  Elazar utterly surprised himself when he discovered he apparently knows a good bit of Shema with trope, all learned effortlessly because it was happening around him.

I remember when they were toddlers and babies, I felt bad that our homeschool didn't have "davening" to start the day.  Now I have the time and I'm glad.  And the boys?  Who knows.  They see their mother davening.

How is Unschooling Going? Age 11

I'm on a group and someone new asked: Does anyone have any ideas on how to motivate a 2e kid who isn’t?! 10 yo boy...

I wrote an answer and I figured I'd share here.

My 11yo is severe ADHD.  I've pretty much given up trying to teach him anything (he starts getting tics or destroying things if he sits for five minutes).

I give him unlimited video games--he learns a ton from there.  Access to youtube--he looks up lots of things he wants to know and watches a lot of science and social studies [and a lot of other 'nonsense' but he ends up being well "read" with a fantastic vocabulary].

I'm always hanging about if he wants to tell me things and discuss what he's watching, doing or thinking about.  A ton of his learning comes from me just sitting around doing my own thing and pausing when he comes over and being a person to bounce things off of or for him to share something he just watched that he's very enthusiastic about.

I daven out loud sitting next to him every morning while he plays video games.  Some mornings he sings along with me.  Very rarely.  Sometimes he hums the tunes to himself as I walk away.  Some mornings he decides he absolutely must go visit the neighbor right when I start davening.

I also have a ton of art supplies for him to tinker around with.  Glue gun.  Duct tape.  Paper, scissors, stapler, lots and lots of cardboard (he collects that himself on recycle day).  That's pretty much his day every day (we also do parkour outside the house 2x a week).

He's a happy kid and is thriving.

Also we eventually discovered that a mishna is great because it's very, very short.  He learns one mishna most nights but that's after years and years of really not doing anything official--and he chooses to do it.  If he's resistant, we don't do it.  He gets tics.

My husband takes him to avos ubanim motzei shabbos and he reads a page of reading and hears parsha.  He can still barely read hebrew.  His English he somehow learned (from minecraft) but he doesn't love to read.  Just enough to navigate the internet.

I have him read about 2 lines of bentching after bread if he doesn't scamper off too quickly.

Little bits, here and there, very relaxed.  Me always around for conversation.  We take walks where he asks deep philosophical Torah questions.  He asks halacha questions very very frequently.


All in all, seeing how much anguish parents go through when their kids have trouble in school.  And seeing how much the kids suffer--aside from the actual pain of sitting still, many of them suffer from anxiety and crushed self esteem.  I mostly feel a shaky sense of relief and delight that Elazar is a happy, thriving, confident kid who loves learning and loves his life.

Classic Conflict

When I named the previous post "Zos Chanuka" I had in mind to write this one.  By the time I sat down to write it, it slipped my mind.  Although life's pace is slowing down, sometimes I have a dizzying amount of things on my mind.  Getting Chen's college application in was a huge relief, but there are still things to follow up on, play practice to drive to, doctor's appointments, and Jack wanted baseball cards so to earn them I said he can learn for $1 per session and now he keeps wanting to learn.  (מתוך שלא לשמה, בא לשמה, I keep saying to myself as he listens with half an ear and dreams of baseball cards.)

So on the last day of Chanuka, I davened before the boys were awake (that's been happening, so my grand plan of davening out loud has not been working as frequently as I like, and I prefer to daven before I start my day or it doesn't happen) but held off hallel until they were all around. 

(BTW, Elazar just came over to me and asked me to edit his story with him, but I had to refuse him because I have something scheduled in a few minutes.)

So I start singing hallel, and just as I start, Jack gets up to go play with the neighbors.  I gesture for him to stay for hallel.  The other two know that I like them to be around when I daven out loud, because they were usually awake when I did it.  But Jack sleeps late and rarely was around (which is ok, because out of the 3, he's most likely to go to minyan for social reasons and also pretty likely to have the zitzfleisch to learn the davening).  So he didn't know the protocol.  So he's getting annoyed that he has to stay there when he wants to go play.

So instead of davening being a fun, quick, singing hallel that kind of gets in their head that they hum later, hallel is turning into a sulking child and a frowning, chastising mom kind of a hallel.

Then I think: well, the idea is for them to have a positive association with tefila and want to do it.  And now he is getting upset and resentful.  So I'm actually accomplishing the exact opposite of my goals. (My other goal is for them to be familiar with davening, but at the expense of him resenting it?)

From an unschooling perspective, obviously no question--Jack should leave.  But I started it, and maybe I should demonstrate that it's important to me by insisting Jack stay?

Ultimately I shooed him out.  I didn't think it was worth having him there and being upset he had to be there.

I think in homeschool, we often end up choosing the relationship over pushing the lesson.  Either the relationship between parent and child, or the long term relationship to learning.  The child ends up learning less, but hopefully has more positive relationships.

v'hagita bo (yomam v') layla

Why does everyone want to learn after my brain turns off for the evening?  By 8pm I am winding down.  By 10pm I am downright cranky.  I frequently go upstairs by 9pm.  Last night I left it til 10 and I was practically growling when I got upstairs. 

Jack still wants to learn a page of Chumash every day so that he can earn a phone.  But he asked me to please not stop so much and ask him comprehension questions.  He said just read it and translate it and don't talk to him.  I was a little sad, because part of what I love best is the interactive part of learning with my children.  But also I think this makes it easier for him to focus on the parts he understands and to skirt over the parts he doesn't.  One thing that Chen taught me with her neurodivergent method of reading comprehension is that there is a benefit to going over the same thing many times, and each time you get another piece, and eventually it contributes to a bigger picture.  Maybe that's how reading the Parsha every week goes.  Over the years, you see it again and again, each time differently. 
I already know that just as Elazar is a kinesthetic learner who learns by immersion and touch, Jack prefers to stay back and observe and perceive.  So it makes sense that he doesn't want interaction.  He actually prefers the passivity of sitting back and listening. 

Something that I've learned in homeschool is to pay close attention when my children give me advice about how they want to learn.  They know.

While I was learning with Jack, Aharon came over and asked if he was going to have to take a turn.  Puzzled, I said not yet.  He cheered.

Then, when I went upstairs after 10, I realized that Aharon often remembers he wants to read Hebrew at 10:30, which is after our deadline and we've been trying very hard to make a clear boundary that after 10:30 we (Ari and I) are in bed and our time is our own.  So I called down to Aharon and asked if he wanted to read.  He did.  His ability with the nekudos and blending is very smooth, but he still has trouble remembering the letters.

And Ari learns mishna with Elazar most nights. 

Last night at 8pm, Elazar dragged me over to the computer to work on editing his story.  We are slowly working through it for grammar, punctuation, and to make sure it all flows and makes sense.  I had a bit of a hard time following it when he first wrote it, so this time I ask questions when I'm missing something and he fills in the information.  I have high hopes of following the plot better this time around.  Also, as he grew, he got more sophisticated.  It's fun to see how he wrote a few years ago compared to now. 

Also, I am finally having some leisure time and have been davening out loud many mornings.  I'm not sure if they pay any attention at all.  Though sometimes I hear Elazar humming the tune.

Yom Kippur with Non-Davening Teen

We are at a stage in chinuch where my teen does not daven.  I wonder if this is something in my parenting because my first teen also stopped davening from age 14-21. (likely not, though.) 

The question is what to do about shul.  What to do about shul on the Yamim Noraim.  On Rosh Hashana she came to shul for shofar on the first day.  I told her to bring the book (by a neurologist who had experienced a stroke) and she sat next to me in shul, and I leaned over and pointed out interesting quotes as they struck me.

Both days were rainy and as we had not set up her sunlamp on a timer and as it is extremely painful for her to get out of bed so early, especially with no sunlamp, we agreed that she had gotten enough out of shul the first day and she slept through shul the second day.  (We hold, by the way, a fairly unusual psak that women are not chayav in shofar because of מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא.  I learned in high school that yes, women are officially patur, but have taken it upon ourselves, and we are chayav. But my Rav holds differently.  Not that this would have necessarily made a difference in my decision to not push a teen.  More on this as the blog goes on over the years, G-d willing, and I have a bunch of teens to raise and not push.)

I asked her what her Yom Kippur would look like if she wasn't taking me and my wants into consideration at all.  She finds the lack of technology for so many days in a row very difficult.  She doesn't like fasting.  Doesn't find meaning in shul. 

She said she'd like to stay home and read all day. 

With a bit of coaxing, she agreed to come to shul at night.  Ordinarily, I wouldn't go for the night.  But she has always been a night owl and functions better at night.  Shul will be less crowded and she will be more alert and in a better mood. 

I also found someone who needs a bit of company on Yom Kippur day.  So when she wakes up, she will visit with them, and do a bit of chessed and keep herself occupied in a pleasant manner.

Yamim Noraim Davening

I thought this was going to be an exciting landmark year for me where I get to be in shul the whole time.  The littles are finally old enough to run around and play and take care of themselves!

But I overlooked the need to give my teen a meaningful yom tov.  What to do with a teen who is inclined against davening?

I'm thinking about Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur separately.  Rosh Hashana she agreed to come hear shofar.  (I just paused to message her the Rambam on shofar, which I'm sure I've taught her in the past.)  I'd like her to read and think about some of the musaf, but odds are unless it comes up as a discussion, she will not be inclined to read the machzor.  This is one of those times that the more my mind is engaged in the themes of Rosh Hashana, the more likely that there will conversations with my children about it.

For Yom Kippur, I asked her what she'd like her Yom Kipput to look like.  She mostly evaded the question but did mention a song that she likes to hear in shul.  So we will try to figure out around what time that will occur.  We still have to think about a way to make the day pass in some sort of not painful and possibly meaningful manner.  This may mean me just going to shul for shacharis and spending a great deal of the day in conversation with her.

Unschooling and Judaic Studies

I've had some things on my mind regarding Elazar's education.  He recently turned 11, which felt to me like he was "getting bigger" and could maybe have the maturity of starting to work up to things he is going to need for his bar mitzva.

Earlier this year, he wanted to learn how to read hamapil and has been happily practicing a line a day.  I'm trying to think how long it's been since we started--maybe a few months.  He still isn't quite finished.  In fact, it's taking him a lot longer to get fluent at reading than I thought it would.  I believe it's because he isn't all that motivated.

I think that I'm doing him a disservice by asking him to read a bit every day.  He doesn't object, but he doesn't love it and he's not picking it up nearly as quickly as I thought he would.  (I believe this is because he doesn't enjoy it very much and also because he is lacking fire to badly want to read/be a literate Jew/daven.)  I do think he'd be better off if I left it alone and waited until he was interested.  When would he be interested?  12?  13 before his bar mitzva?  16?  25?

I simply don't have the guts to wait it out.  Ari has expressed that he thinks he will never do it if we don't nudge him.  I really don't believe that.  Deep in my heart, I believe that Torah is good, that it is enticing, and that he would turn to it eventually to discover what it's all about, and at that time, he would learn to read and translate very quickly.

But alas.  He is our first son, and we don't have the courage.

I'm hopeful that our youngest might be left alone for longer, that we will have more trust in unschooling by then, and that he will have the pleasure of picking it up quickly and smoothly when he wants to.  (However, as we were blessed with sons with very little spacing, I'm not sure how much time we'll actually have to actually let that play out.)

*****

We looked up Elazar's bar mitzva parsha, and it's the longest leining.  The. Longest. Leining.  Not great for an ADHD child.  I have a fantasy that my sons will lein the whole parsha, the whole haftora, and daven musaf, just like my brothers did.  Well, Ari didn't grow up that way, and thinks that puts insane and unnecessary pressure on bar mitzva boys.  Good thing he's in charge.

I feel that in the birthdays before bar/bat mitzva, children have an awareness that halachic adulthood is coming up.  They are excited about it and excited to embrace some of their halachic responsibilities.  To me, it's a good time to harness that excitement and get on the chinuch bandwagon to gently introduce things they'll have a chiyuv for after bar mitzva.

I thought maybe Elazar could start going to mincha.  I wouldn't ask him to do shacharis.  He still can't sit for five minutes.  But I thought mincha is short.  I asked him how he felt about that, and we discussed upgrading his computer if he went for 3 or 4 months, and he didn't seem opposed.

However, he really is having difficulty reading.  If he could read and follow along, it might make sense.  But it seems that having him go to mincha would merely be an exercise in discipline and self control for him.  And not a spiritual activity.  And while I think he's old enough to be capable of that and capable of tolerating the discomfort that would cause him, since it wouldn't actually be a meaningful davening experience, I don't quite see the point.  (I was looking to see if I ever wrote about it but I can't find it.  How I've seen Elazar spontaneously take 3 steps and bow and ask Hashem for things in his own words.)  It might regulate him to davening and it might get him to feel part of the community.  But it also might be unnecessarily painful and be one of the reasons he eventually doesn't daven.

*****

So, in summary, Elazar's getting closer to bar mitzva.  I'm simultaneously thinking that emotionally he's getting into a mindset where he is receptive to chinuch.  AND that educationally (ADHDwise) he is still incapable/unmotivated regarding the academics required for swathes of that chinuch.  Which leaves me wondering how much to nudge and how much to wait and see.

I'm definitely in a different parenting place than I was with my older children.  With them, it would have been unthinkable for me to not be firmly emphasizing how it all has to be done in time for bar mitzva.

But I've been through two teenagers and have the battle scars.  ברוך שפטרני Baruch Shepetarani (the blessing the father makes at bar mitzva: blessed that I am now no longer obligated) may happen at bar mitzva but parenting still happens through the teen years.  And I am definitely approaching the teen years differently (and less stridently) now that I'm more experienced.

As always, I do the best I can with the information I have at the time, and hope that I can continue to learn, continue to adjust to new information, and to be receptive to what my child is telling me about his needs.