chinuch and al pi darko

I have wrestled with the question many times of what will make a child love Torah and love mitzvos and what will make a child reject and hate it. What will make a child grow up to attend shul and will those same actions (nudging, pushing) cause a future abhorrence.

The confusing thing seemed to me that if you ask people "what did your parents do that encouraged you to go to minyan" and if you ask people "what did your parents do that made you avoid minyan" you'll find an overlap. Sometimes the very same actions people say worked is exactly what other people say backfired. 

Well, I'm pretty sure no one ever said "They made it fun and exciting and I swore I'd never do it again." 

But I think you'll find divisiveness on "they were firm and pushed me to do it even though I objected" and equal divisiveness on "they let it go and were relaxed about it." (Though come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever heard an adult say "I dropped it because it didn't seem like it was a priority to my parents." I have heard others denounce parents and say "If you don't show your children it's a priority, they won't know and they won't do it.")

So I was all muddled about this for a while. It's especially confusing when I'm trying to decide if unschooling and trust the process is a good idea. Or if I'm abdicating responsibility and making a huge mistake.

But recently I've come to some conclusions. And it seems so obvious to me now, I wonder why I didn't always see it this way. 

My children have very different personalities. I've found it useful when thinking about this area to look through the lens of Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies which frames what types of habit forming strategies work for different types of people.

Looking at my children through the above lens has allowed me to really carefully craft their "obligations" or "good for them activities" (i.e. "mitzvos") through strategies that speak to their tendencies. While one of my children may love structure and love accomplishing, another will shut down completely if there is a whiff of obligation.

In addition to that, there is also neurodiversity and learning style, which greatly affects whether someone is the type who can sit in the beis medrash or even sit through shacharis. And then there is the early riser vs. the night owl in terms of who is physically going to be really struggling with morning minyan. 

There's a reason why we have different expectations from different children. Some children are social and if their friends do it, they'll be inclined to do it. Some children are upholders and are pretty driven and motivated. Some children are just going to go the opposite direction if you push them. 

I just think a lot of this is personality and nature. I'm sure as parents we can do a lot of things to make things worse. But assuming we don't make things worse and can get out of the way, it seems like a lot of this comes down to personality. And that it's really important to factor personality into chinuch.

I know that an Eisav can be a Dovid HaMelech. But an Eisav is never going to be a Yaakov. As my children grow up, it just seems to me that for some children, gentle chinuch works beautifully. And for others, even Herculean efforts might be counter-productive and the best thing you can do is show love and support and shut up (which is a different but equally important Herculean effort). It seems the more I look at it, certain types of strategies are going to be a really bad idea for some kids and be at best indifferent for others. And other strategies will work really well--but it depends on the child's personality.

I'm reminded of Koheles perek 11:6

בַּבֹּ֙קֶר֙ זְרַ֣ע אֶת־זַרְעֶ֔ךָ וְלָעֶ֖רֶב אַל־תַּנַּ֣ח יָדֶ֑ךָ כִּי֩ אֵֽינְךָ֨ יוֹדֵ֜עַ אֵ֣י זֶ֤ה יִכְשָׁר֙ הֲזֶ֣ה אוֹ־זֶ֔ה וְאִם־שְׁנֵיהֶ֥ם כְּאֶחָ֖ד טוֹבִֽים׃

Chazal say have children or students both in your youth and in your old age. Because you have no idea what's going to work out. 

It's kind of comforting to have Chazal shrug and say, "It's a numbers game."

(I have a feeling that this post can be VASTLY misinterpreted so I reserve the right to clarify in the future.)

Learning Shemona Esrei

E's mostly fluent in shemona esrei now. So looking back, it took him about 2 months.  We are practicing 3x a week for 10 minutes, and if he finishes before time, he can stop early.

The last 2 paragraphs need a bit more fluency, but now we've started the other shemona esreis. Maariv, shacharis, mincha, for shabbos. The same 10 minutes 3x a week. Then on to musaf for Shabbos, musaf for rosh chodesh, musaf for Shabbos Rosh Chodesh, and shemona esrei for yontif. There's plenty to go.

In the meantime, I'd like to learn Torah with him. I think he'd enjoy thinking about ideas. But we'll hold off on that for now, and work on fluency.

The goal is for him to be able to finish shemona esrei with the tzibbur before they start chazaras hashatz.

Learning Shemona Esrei

 E is a year post bar mitzva and he's been learning shemona esrei on his own time. That means that when he is fluent with a bracha, he moves on to the next bracha. On the regular day shemona esrei he is up to birkas haminim. 

He wants a phone because he's getting to the age where people are exchanging phone numbers and he can't keep up with them without a number. I said earn it by learning weekday, shabbos shacharis and mincha shemona esrei, yomtov shacharis and mincha shemona esrei, and shabbos musaf shemona esrei. He said no thank you.

I said right now we are working on your reading 3x a week for 4 minutes a time. How about we work on shemona esrei. And how about making it 8 minutes. He agreed.

Right now it takes him 8 minutes to read from V'lamalshinim to Modim.

He said he's tempted to take medication and learn how to read it all in a couple of months. I said if he wants to, that's an option.

He said Nah.

Unschooling College: "I did it my way"

I was asked for an update on how Chen is handling college. Short answer--it's working out beautifully.

However, she is definitely not doing the typical college route. 

First of all, psychoeducational testing was absolutely VITAL. As you know, we did not pursue testing until age 16 when Chen wanted extra time to take the ACTs to get into college. (As we will do in the future for E, if he wants to go that route.) Chen gets double time for tests (which she needs), class notes, breaks, and calculator use. She may have some other accommodations, too. Testing needed to be done within 3 years of college admission to be current.

Because of her learning differences, she only goes part time (though last semester she ended up being full time). Reading is still difficult for her (I still on occasion read her assignments aloud to her but she can often find peers in college to do it or go to the office hours and the Professor is happy to help). She's great at class discussions and has difficulty with tests. And she has trouble in the sense that she tends to run out of steam emotionally at the same point a little more than halfway through every semester. So she has to work with her rhythms and abilities and still keep up with the work enough to pass. She started with 2 classes a semester, then moved up to taking 3 classes, but for her the real value of college is turning out to be...

INTERNSHIPS.

Yup, that's right. This kinesthetic learner is hands-on learning her way through college. She's getting internships because she is in college. And she's learning a lot.

In the beginning she just chose classes that looked interesting to her and that fit into her schedule, being clustered together with rest days in between. Then she joined the Honors business minor, which was a very valuable experience. And she found a field she's suited to and began pursuing internships in that field. She worked for free, for a very small stipend, and for credit. Within a few semesters, she had the experience and ability to get a great summer internship for pay.  

She got a lot of advice from reddit, where she asked questions and got helpful answers with useful suggestions and information that she implemented. They told her what certifications to pursue and to find internships and how to find internships. A lot of opportunities were available to her through college.

So when you look at college not as something to get a degree with, not something to be done "full time," but as an amazing place with lots of fun and exciting people (peers and professors) and lots of interesting offerings intellectually and experientially, and lots of unusual classes to explore and clubs and trips and opportunities, then it has great things to offer even a student who does not fit the mold. 

Bribes/Earnings/Negotiations

I never did write about our Seder this year. Last year I was so demoralized (to be fair, it was the middle of a pandemic) at how much nobody seemed to be able to read Hebrew. It felt like I had failed in homeschool. ("In homeschool, the kids don't fail; only the teachers [moms] do!")(I just made that up.) 

 This year it turns out that everyone's Hebrew reading improved and they were pretty engaged and it was a lovely learning experience. I made a grab bag with some discussion points/scenarios/questions to answer and they really enjoyed that.

Jack and I have started learning for half an hour once (or twice a week). He's often running out of money so he earns $5 a session. He practices Hebrew reading and R' Winder. It's a joy to teach someone with the ability to sit. After two ADHD kids, it's a nice change of pace. He's doing great with R' Winder and I'm optimistic about his future ability to translate Tanach. 

Elazar has been working on the ability to tolerate minyan. He still is reading with me for 4 minutes at a sitting a few times a week. He's still not through Shemona Esrei.
He woke up on Shabbos morning before shul was over so I asked him to go to shul. He was very reluctant. After a bunch of back and forth negotiations, we agreed that if he can go to shul with his father when his father goes (if he gets a 10 minute warning), and if he goes to shul for musaf time if he's awake Shabbos morning, and if his over bar mitzva friends go to shul on Shabbos for mincha if he is with them then he'll go to shul for that. If he commits to that for a year, he can get a Nintendo Switch plus 4 games. 

This got him pretty excited but he's not sure he can commit to that. He's thinking about it.

In the meantime, he's still crossing off his Xs on his minyan chart (when he hits 30 he earns a game). He seems to be under the impression that he will simultaneously earn more Xs for new games if he commits to the Switch. That's not my inclination (when a new rewards system comes into effect, doesn't it knock out the old one?) but on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to mess with his enthusiasm. 

I think of it like this: Would I pay x dollars to see my child be excited for minyan? Would I pay double that? Yes. Yes, I would. 

The Wall of Awful and Davening

Tefila is not progressing as I would have hoped. Sure, we could medicate and maybe he could learn it more quickly. But he's going "at his own pace" and that is an exceedingly slow pace, indeed.

We've been arguing about reading Yaale V'Yavo. He's not up to it in shemona esrei. (He's nowhere near it.) I said it comes up every Rosh Chodesh, every chag, in bentching and in davening, he may as well get fluent at it. He said it takes him a minute and 30 seconds and he only wants it to take 30 seconds. I said practice it and it will take 30 seconds. It seems awful to him. He whines. (I'm glad he's not in school and this is not a daily, hourly battle.)

He's been having trouble with davening in general. It recently got to the point where he's been skipping breakfast. Because you can't eat before davening. And then he davens right before chatzos.

I've come to understand from Chen that tasks that seem to be not so difficult yet are procrastinated is a feature of ADHD. This is called "the wall of awful." Here is the video that explains it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg

This whole video was pretty eye opening for me. Especially as I'm the type of person who doesn't have much trouble pushing myself to do things I don't especially feel like doing. It's a feature of ADHD that they have a much harder time "forcing" or "making" themselves do things they find distasteful. I know many people think, "I also don't like doing things I don't want to do. But I do it!" But it seems to me that there is significant neurodivergence here. E would actually develop tics, anxiety, and mutilate himself (in the event that he actually can even manage to do it).

So basically, he's spending the whole morning gearing up to daven. It takes him that long.

I asked a friend of mine if he thought E should be allowed to have breakfast and not skip it. Or would that make E feel like the mitzvos are too bendable. He said that's a question for a posek. I was trying to decide which posek to consult. One who has an understanding of the emotional elements of ADHD.

I consulted Chen, who suggested that he say birchas haTorah and then have a quick bowl of cereal. So he does some form of praise/request/thanks even if it's not the official one.

I sat down with E this morning and spoke to him about the Wall of Awful and how it's something he's dreading every day. I asked if eating breakfast would help and he said that he doesn't want to do that, since breakfast is the thing that motivates him to daven--so that he can eat. And if we remove that, he has no motivation. He doesn't want to do it and he only does it because of the chiyuv and he can only bring himself to do it if he's waiting to eat breakfast.

I suggested maybe he wants to move tefilin to mincha time instead. He said no, then it's hanging over his head for longer and the Wall of Awful is there for longer.

So we are trying to strategize and it's still challenging. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'm all ears.

 

Nachas Note

Remember when it was too hard for me to leave the house with the boys?

Then covid hit and we haven't really tried.

Today we went to the dentist. Afterwards, the receptionist remarked, "You have really well behaved children."

Then she asked if they were homeschooled. "I saw you giving a lesson and I almost wanted to join in!"

She said it seems to her that homeschooled children have an easier time sitting still.

I said not really in the younger years, but in the older years not having to sit in school for so many hours does make it easier for them to sit.

When I conveyed the nachas to the children, Elazar said, "Give a lesson? You weren't giving a lesson. We were asking questions and you were answering them."

They were quizzing me about the stock market crash, the Great Depression, and I was explaining how WWII helped end the depression, and then Jack had some questions on why there is the Illuminati eye and a pyramid on the dollar bill.

And Elazar said, "I don't have an easier time sitting still." Which is true enough. But he did sit (well, pace quietly enough) while we were waiting.

Update ADHD

E's been on a low dose of immediate release medication for 2 weeks. No negative side effects. The change in his ability to focus is remarkable. Instead of running out of steam after 2 lines of Hebrew reading, he can read the entire bentching and most of Ashrei. His reading ability has improved. His ability to keep the information in his head is remarkably improved. He's able to get through more of shemona esrei. 

After 2 weeks, we were going to tell the doctor that he will take it only "as needed" (which is really "as wanted" in unschool). The neurologist wants him on it another 2 weeks to make sure there are no negative side effects. 

After that, the plan is that E can choose if he wants to take it or not. The idea was mainly for him to see that his brain works differently on medication and he has no need to feel like he's lazy because he has trouble focusing. If he wants to do complicated math or science or gemara in the future, he has this tool in his toolbox.

I'm going to do as much Hebrew reading as he's up for while he's on medication this month. He hasn't been taking it on Shabbos and he said he is still able to read better now that his reading has improved. (He can't read as long or as much, but his reading ability has improved and he can read more than 2 lines now, even unmedicated.) 

Within 3 years of college, we'll aim for psychoeducational testing so that if there is a learning disability he can get student services in college. (But at this juncture it's looking to me like it's just a focus issue.)

E says ADHD is not a big deal in his life right now so he doesn't need or want medication.

Time To Make ADHD Official

 I haven't been writing so much because as the boys get older, I'm becoming more aware of their privacy. I asked E his opinion about writing about this next step and he gave permission. 

Now that he's bar mitzva, he's been struggling to learn the davening (the entire year leading up to his bar mitzva was nowhere near enough time). The good news is that he doesn't feel like he's struggling. He just dislikes it and we don't do it much and it goes slowly. We do it 4x a week for under 5 minutes at a time. As I mentioned, this teeny amount of sitting results in that he doesn't have the bandwidth for mishna anymore.

I've really been unsure how to proceed. Is it the time to unschool and let him decide when to do it? I've always thought that eventually a child would be motivated and then it would come quickly. It seems to me there is a learning disability here, it's blocking motivation, and even if he is motivated, there will be no learning quickly.

At the same time, he does love to think and to learn, and the more I push and impose, the less energy, inclination and motivation he has for true and real-to-him learning.

On the other hand, this may be the kind of thing that when he grows up, he'll say to me, "Ma, I wish you would have pushed me a little more. Then I would know how to daven." <--That's something that usually unschoolers fret about and experienced unschoolers say is not a worry. Because a feature of unschooling is the confidence and experience that when you want to learn something, then you figure out how to learn it or you get help.

And yet, something is telling me that he's ready. He's ready for some nudging. And if this is not hard core unschooling, well, he's my oldest son and sometimes I'm just not deschooled enough and don't trust enough and maybe Torah is too important and maybe I'll relax after him and look back and say "I was too pushy and I could have had the trust and confidence to let it go."

I was walking with him on the beach and asking him what he likes to do and he said he'd like to learn coding but he thinks he's lazy.

That was kind of a shock because I don't believe that laziness actually exists. If a person wants to do something, they figure it out. If they don't do it, there are reasons. Conflicts. Difficulties. 

I asked him if he knows what neurodiversity means. He didn't. I explained that some people's brains work differently than most of the population. I said I'm not sure, but his might. That may be why he doesn't like to do certain types of work. Because it hurts his brain. That may not be the case, and if so we'll have to figure out how he can do learning that he wants but also doesn't want to do, if he chooses. But it's worth checking out if his brain is neurodiverse. He agreed.

I then looked into testing. The place we used for his older sibling is closed for covid now. And I also read that for special ed services in college (which Chen is making great use of and having a FANTASTIC college experience so far bh) he'll need to have been tested within 3 years of 18. So I'll hold off a few more years. In the meantime, though, I do think it's time to pursue the ADHD diagnosis to see if him having access to medication affects his ability to concentrate and do the type of learning he's interested in doing. Then we can test in a few years to see if he has any other learning disabilities.

A negative effect

A negative side effect of Elazar reluctantly practicing reading is that he no longer likes to do Mishna.  He feels "overloaded" from the 5-10 minutes.  (I've actually skipped learning the meaning of his parsha with him this week [which I'd been doing 2x a week, reading out loud to him and translating 3 or so pesukim] since he's been so unhappy and complaining about learning.)

This is a feature that his older sister had, too.  I wonder if it's an aspect of ADHD that they run out of steam so quickly learning things that are difficult for their brains and need the rest of the day or actual days or weeks to recover.  Her motivation and determination improved with age (and medication) but the mental exhaustion remains about the same.

I'm Always Teaching Too Long

I looked at the part I was planning to learn with Elazar today.  About 6 pesukim and some math (1/50 vs 1/500 and so we can discuss which is a bigger number). 

Elazar was dreading it so I figured I'd keep it short.  Not a whole aliyah.  Just a few pesukim.  Then maybe he won't dread it and it will be ok. 

We started and he asked when Moshe was going to die.  I had no idea what he was talking about (I knew Bilaam died in this war, but not Moshe) and he reminded me that Hashem told Moshe "Fight a Revenge War against Midian and then you'll die." 

So I told him his parsha is the last 2 parshas of Sefer Bamidbar, and indeed Moshe does die afterwards...at the end of Devarim.  And Devarim is Moshe's final speech.  E was greatly amused that Moshe was just giving a speech for all those pages. 

Then he asked how Moshe died.  I turned to the pesukim of how he died and Hashem buried him.  Then I wanted to do the Rashi with him about how Aharon died and Moshe wanted that death.  E was rolling his eyes by then and begging to stop.  I said let's do this and no more pesukim in your parsha.  He agreed.  I found the Rashi and read it out loud to him.  He understood about half of the words without needing translation.  (Some of the words were pretty unfamiliar.)  I had him act out what the rashi said about Aharon dying.  He thought it was a pretty good death and saw why Moshe would want it too.

So we didn't get to the pesukim I intended but he learned the answers to questions he asked.  Which is more satisfying, I think.  (This artificial construct of learning a specific thing by a specific time is something I've complained about so many times.)  (On the other hand, I do think the artificial imposition of a "manhood ceremony" does encourage kids to rise to the occasion.)

I wanted him to practice reading Hebrew (I did that this morning with him after davening) but he was already burnt out.  It's astonishing how very quickly he burns out and how difficult it is for him to pay attention.  He was using the exercise ball the entire time and he was still very quickly wiped out.  Nonetheless, it wasn't unpleasant.

E says he'd still prefer to avoid it.  "It's not something I fully hate but I don't want to do it."

bar mitzva and kr'iah the Hamlet conflict

It's come to this.  Elazar is definitely hampered by his lack of ability to read Hebrew.  (Well, hampered is a matter of opinion.  It's not preventing him from doing anything he wants to do.  So he's actually fine.)  For learning Torah, it's no big deal.  We read to him and he's happy to learn. 

For his leining and brachos, we are working around it.  He can read things he's familiar with, and he has a musical ear. 

I'm having a lot of thoughts about his inability to read tefila and how that will impact his chiyuv to daven.  His kavana is going to be very negligible until he wants to focus on that, anyway.  I've already expressed that I'm not sure what benefit davening will have for him other than being oppressive to him.  (Conceptually, he has a decent concept of tefila b'eis tzara [davening when he has a need] and we are one bracha away from finishing learning shemona esrei and it was a thoughtful and fruitful experience.  I doubt that will translate into daily prayer for him and I do think long term it will be impactful.)

So the question is whether it is worthwhile to focus on his reading.  It is 100% clear that he is currently not motivated to do so and does not want to.  It is 100% clear to me that if he could read more fluently, he would have an easier time fulfilling chiyuvim.  It is 100% clear to me that nudging him to read is not unschooling. 

I'm not married to the idea of unschooling for unschooling's sake.  However, unschooling principle is that if the child views the activity as valuable and desirable, the child will do it quickly, eagerly, efficiently, joyfully.

If I nudge him to read when he doesn't want to:  It is not quick.  He is reluctant.  His brain doesn't do it well.  It sucks the joy out of it, which has long term negative consequences.

Since he's my oldest bar mitzva boy, I'm having trouble letting the reading go.  Probably if he had been my youngest, I wouldn't think twice about doing the bare minimum for his bar mitzva and trusting that he'll be fine.

It turns out that it's much easier to unschool other children when you've already seen the first children grow up and turn out great :-P  This feels risky and I worry that I'm neglecting my responsibility. 

It also feels like he is mature enough to handle the rigor of putting in more effort for the sake of Torah.  It feels like for me to sit back and wait for that to happen does convey my values--and that those values are that it's okay to wait for Torah rather then הוו עמלים בתורה -- the value of toiling for Torah.  I don't want it to be painful, but I want to convey the diligence of putting in effort at this milestone age.

On the other hand, E's conceptual development is definitely on a different trajectory than the average kid.  Socially and emotionally he's very mature in some ways.  In other ways, expectations more usually associated with children about three years younger than he is would be more appropriate.  So maybe the reading thing would be better off waiting another three years.  Being enslaved to artificial milestones is something all homeschoolers seek to avoid.

(And the Torah seems to back me up on this, as עונש בידי שמים doesn't kick in until age 20.)

#goals

I've been davening about Elazar's chinuch and one thing is becoming clear to me.  When my fears and hopes are clarified via my prayers, I'm not hoping for things to get done on a deadline (ie bar mitzva).  I do want to learn his parsha with him.  It has a lot of topics.  Long topics.  Tough topics.  And it's hard for him to sit. 

But when I daven that I hope my learning with Elazar will be good, what ends up is that I hope he will love Torah.  That he will find it exciting.  Enlightening.  Guiding.

NOT that he will finish a certain amount by bar mitzva.

I've paused in learning his parsha with him and have been studying Shemona Esrei with him, since his chiyuv to daven will kick in at age 13. I think davening is going to be very difficult for him, and the thought of him mumbling words or even reading English without really understanding it seems pointless and agonizing for any kid, but strikes me as especially pointless and agonizing to someone of E's nature.  In theory he is amiable and willing to study and understand Shemona Esrei.  In practice, it is difficult for him to focus for more than 5 minutes, as it always has been. 

However, our five minutes of study time are something I am treasuring.  I always feel this way when I learn Torah with my children.  I love seeing how they think about things, how they approach the text, the questions they ask, the connections they make.  This morning we reviewed the main points of the first 3 brachos, noted they were "praise" and then next section is "requests" and did the first request.  I asked him what he would have designed the first request to be.  He said knowledge (which it is).  I said, "Don't you think it would have been something like food?" 
"Oh, yeah," he said. 
"So why do you think the Rabbis made it knowledge, understanding, and wisdom?" I asked.
And we had a nice little conversation about that.

The following is my probably inaccurate memory summarizing our conversation

This morning we had a little parent teacher conference about some aspects of bar mitzva readiness.  Ari was considering buying siddurim for each kid.  Notwithstanding that we already have 2 children's siddurs on the shelf (and boy #3 is often still asleep when I do tefila in the morning) that the boys already don't use, I didn't think it was a good idea to have the kids follow along while I daven.

Right now, I daven out loud.  They play video games and sing along when they feel like it.  I feel that having them follow along (or I even considered Elazar just standing next to me for shemona esrei and me being motzi him that way) would be excruciatingly boring for them and not confer any actual benefit.  I suggested that during Avos U'Banim, when Ari has the kids for learning, he work on reading Shema, Shemona Esrei, bentching and other brachos achronos. (And Asher Yatzer, which I forgot to mention.) 

The question is, will E be able to daven 3x a day with a minyan and a full davening?  If not, what is the bare halachic minimum?  Ari asked what about birchas Kriyas Shema.  I am singing them out loud to Elazar every day. (Not maariv, but shacharis.)  So he is becoming familiar with them.  I don't know that making him sit with an open siddur would help, and it can definitely pain him and make him miserable.  And if, at bar mitzva age, E finds he cannot focus on the whole thing and have kavana, and he hates it, then what do we recommend for him?  Just Shema and Shemona Esrei 2x a day.  Mincha just Shemona Esrei.  Bare minimum halachic requirements. 

Ari wants to make sure that E can count at a minyan.  To that end, he will need to know how to respond (amens, kedusha, kaddish, etc).  I suggested Ari go through that with him.  Is it better to do that at the minyan or outside the minyan?  (As I don't know, I leave that to Ari's discretion.)

Ari also felt that he had pushed E too much during Avos U'Banim.  I told him that I had discovered from my learning with E that he enjoys learning trope outside the context of reading and translating.  And he enjoys translating when he doesn't have to read (meaning you read the word to him and he translates) and he enjoys understanding the pesukim when you tell him the general translation but it loses enjoyment for him when he has to sit and decode a lot.  He'd rather each word or phrase in the pasuk be read to him, ask him what the words mean and have him answer/guess, then tell him generally as a whole what the pasuk means. 

I said that I think that not pushing reading and translating makes sense.  Because he enjoys other aspects of learning Torah.

• If you read it to him, he likes translating some of the words if he knows them
• If you sing him the trope, he likes learning and repeating the trope
• If you tell him what the pasuk means, he enjoys thinking about it

He does NOT like reading.  He does not like going slowly and translating it.  Will having him do that increase the likelihood that he will learn Torah in the future?

Will having him read and decode increase his future ability to learn Torah because he will have the skills?

These are important questions.  (Wish I knew the answers!)  It seems to me that focusing on the parts he enjoys and not pushing the parts that pain him will keep his learning positive and enjoyable.  This will increase the probability that he will learn Torah as an adult.

But what about his lacking skills?  Either he will be motivated to gain skills, or he will learn using translations.  My sense is that pushing the skills will more likely end up (in E's particular case) with him avoiding future Torah learning.

I said to Ari that I think focusing on the 3 types of learning that he enjoys above and avoiding what he dislikes will make him more likely to learn Torah by himself at age 25.  Ari said, "Really?"  

It's kind of scary to not do the "classic" educational stuff.  Will we be providing him with the education necessary to be a ben Torah?  

On the other hand, traditional education would be a disaster for this particular child.  We are already out of the box.  It's a tough line to figure out what is "pushing too hard" and what is "avoiding our responsibility to make sure he is capable of fulfilling his responsibilities."  What is he capable of and what is he truly not capable of?  What will foster a joy and love of Torah and what will push him away?  What can he really handle and what is a good idea for him to handle?

With so many kids who have gone through the school system being disinterested, not halachically observant, not having a strong emotional and spiritual relationship to Torah, and lacking skills, at least I feel I can't do worse than that with alternative education.  That's not a very high bar, though.

No Vacation in Unschooling

Every once in a while, I realize that unschooling has made me see things really differently than most of society.  It crept upon me so gradually, I don't realize it until I end up hearing things that seem jarring.

People ask me how my summer is going.  They ask when we are starting school.  I say, No, we go year round.  No difference between summer and the rest of the year.  They commiserate with my poor kids.  This feels strange to me.

Jack asked me to sit in the back seat with him when we were driving home from my parents so that we can learn a perek of Chumash together.  He doesn't feel like learning is something he needs a break from.  When he wants to learn it, he asks me.  He doesn't feel like he's on "vacation" from learning or needs a break.  Learning is part of life.

In the middle of learning Chumash, Aharon interrupts us to ask for division problems.  Ari is giving Elazar math problems from the front seat.

The pediatrician and Chen were discussing her medication for college.  He said she should wait until she gets her schedule, then give him a call so they can discuss dosage and strategy.  I said, "But what is she supposed to do for the next two weeks?"  He said, "What are you talking about? College doesn't start for two more weeks."  I said, "But she's been learning calculus most days.  She needs some pills so she can do math."  He doesn't understand.  She graduated high school.  She's not in school yet.  Why is she learning Calc now?  For fun.

Who learns complicated math for fun during the summer?  The doctor is baffled.

The pediatrician also asks her what classes she is interested in for college.  "Chemistry," Chen says.  "Science major?" the doctor asks.  Chen shrugs.  "No, I just want to learn it."  Pediatrician frowns.  "Why would you take a hard science if you don't need it for your major?"  "It seems interesting," Chen says.  For many people, college is about finishing on time, requirements, a major.  For Chen it is about learning what her heart calls her to learn.

"Can you send me that perek where Moshe tells Hashem he gave birth to the Jews and nursed them like a baby?" Chen asks.  "I want to send the source to my friend."

"When can we do the blood type kit?" Jack begs me.  I bought it a couple of weeks ago but planned to wait until September.  He keeps asking me. 

I'm highlighting the "educational" stuff.  They don't distinguish between "educational" and "interesting" and "fun."  It's all the same to them.  I forget, until I see other people's attitudes, that there is a distinction in most people's lives.

college

I'm a member of an unschooling group, and they were discussing what makes someone an experienced unschooler.  Among disqualifications:

• your kids are young
• you unschool "except" a subject
• valuing one type of learning over another

And then the line that hit me between the eyes: If you are not worried about what your 18 year old will do with their life, you are experienced.

Ha! That's right where I am right now.  (Except I am worried, and I'm not experienced.)

So I've been "deschooling," which means working to get out of the schooly mindset.

Among the schooly mindset:

• college is vital to get a good job in life
• college must be done at age 18 (or after the year in israel/gap year)
• college must be done full time

Chen has a confluence of personality quirks and learning disabilities (or neurodivergences, as makes more sense to me) which led us to unschooling.  

She's been saying that she wants to take a gap year before college.  Why?  Because she doesn't learn well via lecture, or reading, or auditory listening.  She learns best as an autodidact plus someone to ask one on one questions to.  That is not college.  And she'd like a year off to...drumroll, please... learn what she wants to learn.

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  An unschooled child would like to take a year off to learn.  

She's spent the summer learning.  Math, science, art, business, who knows what else.  We went to the doctor to get a refill of her ADHD meds, and he said to come back when she knows her fall schedule so they can work out the dosage.  We said but wait, she's almost out of pills and what about the next two weeks of summer.  She's been studying for two to three hours a few times a week.  

He couldn't even comprehend that someone would be studying for no reason.  Not for college, not for high school requirements, just to learn.  (This is the same doctor who for years quizzed my children on things they did not know--math, history, etc.).

I always used to say that homeschoolers (kal v'chomer unschoolers) tend to play more when they are young and get more serious about studies when they are older.

Now I would say that playing is a form of learning.  And it often isn't until 11th and 12th grade (or even beyond) when they start learning the way society recognizes learning.  But they are always learning.

So I've been trying to settle down and mentally give Chen the space to take the next four years to continue her studies as she wishes.  Don't go to college?  Okay.  Take only one class?  Okay.  

I've been sitting with this for about four months and I'm a lot calmer now (though surely there is more to deschool) and it almost becomes difficult to understand why I was pressuring her.  Why, when she has always been very on point about recognizing her abilities and what was too much for her, would I not trust her now?  Why, when she has researched and found options and taught herself and requested testing and requested medication and found resources and asked for her needs, would I doubt her abilities and assessments at this point?

So I backed off and supported her.  If she wants to defer, let her defer.  I began to view college as an opportunity for her to explore interesting things.  They have a new program this year--QCin4: to help students stay on track so they graduate in four years.  

I applaud this program for neurotypical students and I'm glad the school is helping college students stay on track to graduate.  But that route is not for Chen.  Maybe in the future, if she wants it.  But right now, college has many wonderful classes and opportunities.  It's a chance to explore a range of subjects.  There are athletics, art and drawing (there is a class on writing and drawing manga!), writing, business, math, science.  History, anthropology.  Once I relaxed, I began to see how many interesting things there are in the framework of unschooling, as opposed to trying to get a degree.

I was curious to see what Chen would decide to do.  Once I got out of my own way and stopped worrying about her choices, I became much more relaxed.  Would she defer?  Maybe.  Would she take Bio?  Chem?  Calculus?  How would it be in college?  Would it work for her?  I am looking forward to seeing.

Yesterday was registration and although Chen was adamant about either deferring or taking only one class, the advisor was great and she is taking two classes and looking forward to them.  Pre-calc so she can stop seeking an online curriculum that will fill in her gaps and microeconomics so she can learn more about entrepreneurship.  They are 2 days a week, giving her recovery days.

She also made an appointment with student services to get extra testing time, and hopefully a copy of notes and breaks during tests.  They offer counseling to help students stay on top of studying and work organization.  Hopefully her accommodations will be in place after next week, which will be helpful in whatever she ends up doing in college.

Homeschooling neurodivergent kids is great because you can really give them the focused attention they need and tailor their education to their learning differences.  But it's a worry about whether or not they'll be able to get accommodations in college, if they haven't gone through the system and have alternate documentation.  I'll feel better once that's in place.

But the cool thing about unschooling is that it's not fraught.  If it doesn't work out, no big deal.  There's always another approach.  It's tremendous freedom.

bar mitzva prep

I'm still not sure what to do with E's learning.  The bar mitzva is in about a year.  Ari has his goals neatly mapped out: teach him maftir, teach him birchas hatorah, before and after, teach him birchas hahaftorah, before and after.  He can daven at his own pace with an English translation, and do as much or little as he is ready for.

My goals are murkier.  I often joke that I'm an educational control freak.  The dark side of that (okay, I admit that being a control freak of anything is mostly all dark side) is that I tend to have grand plans that are unrealistic and unpleasant for the people I yearn to impose them on.  I've avoided a lot of that by unschooling. 

But now Elazar agreed to learn "in preparation for his bar mitzva" and I am not sure what to do.  I want to learn his parsha with him.  But does that mean learning to leyn? To read and translate?  Should I just read him the pesukim and the translation?  What exactly is best to do with this time?

I asked my friend and was advised: Do what is pleasant.

Basic, pithy, and obvious.  And difficult to implement!

I don't think he likes it very much.  It's hard for him to sit.  So far we've done 1 and a half pesukim in about 8 sessions.  I think it's short enough that he doesn't dread it, but he doesn't look forward to it or enjoy it.

And this morning I realized that it would be nice if he can fluently read bentching because when he is bar mitzva, he'll be old enough to lead mezumen.  So now I'm wondering if I should just go through his parsha with him and have me translate it so he understands it, and then work on his reading. 

Choices, choices.

Summer Update III: College

College.  First, Chen wants to defer.  She wants a semester to mentally prepare for going to college.  She wants to pre-learn Calculus so that she can understand the course and not drown while she takes the course.

I was resistant, and wanted her to take one course.  Drama.  Dance.  Once or twice a week.

She rightfully argued that it's about 2 hours to commute, plus time in the class.  That's twice a week that she loses 3.5 hours a day, which really loses her the whole day because she doesn't cram things into a day.

If it's stressful enough where she needs a day to recuperate, i.e. a day of doing nothing after an eventful day, then she loses 4 days.  So she really won't have time to learn Calculus.

Ironic, isn't it, that she wants to go to college so she can go to the Hillel and meet people (i.e. socialization) but it will interfere with her education?
She also said that she wants to take difficult classes so she can meet smart people.

I agree with her points.  However, I am concerned that for the first time, she won't be getting out of the house regularly and seeing people.  All of her friends from the local High School I work at will be in Israel for the year.  Her local friends will be in college and not available to hang out during the week or even much on weekends.  I don't think she realizes how socially isolated she'll be.

I brought that up and she agreed to give it some thought.

We have a few things left:

• Get that letter of Completion from the district.  Nobody is answering my calls or emails.  That may be because it is July and everyone is on vacation.  That may be because that's how it is.  Chen needs that for Queens College, so hopefully that will be compelling.  I'll have to keep calling.  That's on my mind.
• See if Chen can get accommodations in Queens College.  That will probably make a huge difference in both her attitude and also her actual ability to take classes there.  
• Either defer or register for one course.  Chen has been studying to take the test for online Bio 101 and she realized that maybe Bio with lab may also be a good choice for a first course.  I also think Chem with lab would be a good choice for her.
• She has to take a math exam for QC to see if she qualifies to take Calculus.  Exams make her nervous.  So she has to discuss what is involved with that and if she can get extra time for that.

Processing Disorder

My teen showed me this picture.  She looks at a book with her eyes and it doesn't get poured into her brain.  As you can see, some dribbles do make it into the cup, which is why she has to read everything numerous times before she understands it.

Speaking of which, she recently finished the very grueling Fast ForWord program.  She doesn't feel that she can read better.  But it may have been a gradual thing.  It may be that when on medication (she did not take medication when she did the exercises) that she will be able to process better.

Her assessment is that this program will work very well for auditory processing issues and for dyslexia.  And she doesn't know so much about autism, but from the little she knows, she thinks it could be helpful.  It helped her very much with analogies, which she couldn't process before.
The final exercise was reading full paragraphs.  She said at the beginning of the game, she made many mistakes and by the end she wasn't making those mistakes.  But she is not sure if it is because her neurology grew more connections or if she just learned how to play the game.  I guess time will tell.  I can tell you that she is not choosing to read books for fun at this time.  She reads on Shabbos so likely if reading were coming easier, she would be more inclined.

At the moment, she isn't studying anything that is reading-heavy.  We will see if when/if she does, if things are easier.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

So it's been a little over a month since I started learning Elazar's bar mitzva parsha.  I've learned almost 9 pesukim and a strong appreciation for the efforts a bar mitzva boy puts in.  It's hard to believe my brothers did their parshas, the haftorahs, and musaf.

We were at a bar mitzva on Shabbos and I felt tremendous envy as the boy did a bang up job at his leining.  Elazar wasn't even in shul for the candy part.  I'm definitely feeling the pain/effort of backing off and trying to accommodate Elazar's nature.  (Which is also why I'm glad Ari's mainly in charge of the boys' chinuch.  I am definitely the type who can be too pressure-y.) I remind myself that stress and tics would be the result if I don't.

I was talking about it with Ari afterwards, and he said the bar mitzva boy's aliyah is be maftir.  And I'm not sure why we didn't discuss this before, but maftir for Matos-Masei is only 3 pesukim, despite it being the longest parsha ever.  I took a look at the pesukim and they are so much easier than what I've been learning.  I'll continue learning his parsha on the off chance he wants to do it.  But it's looking like maftir might be manageable.