Unschooling and Judaic Studies

I've had some things on my mind regarding Elazar's education.  He recently turned 11, which felt to me like he was "getting bigger" and could maybe have the maturity of starting to work up to things he is going to need for his bar mitzva.

Earlier this year, he wanted to learn how to read hamapil and has been happily practicing a line a day.  I'm trying to think how long it's been since we started--maybe a few months.  He still isn't quite finished.  In fact, it's taking him a lot longer to get fluent at reading than I thought it would.  I believe it's because he isn't all that motivated.

I think that I'm doing him a disservice by asking him to read a bit every day.  He doesn't object, but he doesn't love it and he's not picking it up nearly as quickly as I thought he would.  (I believe this is because he doesn't enjoy it very much and also because he is lacking fire to badly want to read/be a literate Jew/daven.)  I do think he'd be better off if I left it alone and waited until he was interested.  When would he be interested?  12?  13 before his bar mitzva?  16?  25?

I simply don't have the guts to wait it out.  Ari has expressed that he thinks he will never do it if we don't nudge him.  I really don't believe that.  Deep in my heart, I believe that Torah is good, that it is enticing, and that he would turn to it eventually to discover what it's all about, and at that time, he would learn to read and translate very quickly.

But alas.  He is our first son, and we don't have the courage.

I'm hopeful that our youngest might be left alone for longer, that we will have more trust in unschooling by then, and that he will have the pleasure of picking it up quickly and smoothly when he wants to.  (However, as we were blessed with sons with very little spacing, I'm not sure how much time we'll actually have to actually let that play out.)

*****

We looked up Elazar's bar mitzva parsha, and it's the longest leining.  The. Longest. Leining.  Not great for an ADHD child.  I have a fantasy that my sons will lein the whole parsha, the whole haftora, and daven musaf, just like my brothers did.  Well, Ari didn't grow up that way, and thinks that puts insane and unnecessary pressure on bar mitzva boys.  Good thing he's in charge.

I feel that in the birthdays before bar/bat mitzva, children have an awareness that halachic adulthood is coming up.  They are excited about it and excited to embrace some of their halachic responsibilities.  To me, it's a good time to harness that excitement and get on the chinuch bandwagon to gently introduce things they'll have a chiyuv for after bar mitzva.

I thought maybe Elazar could start going to mincha.  I wouldn't ask him to do shacharis.  He still can't sit for five minutes.  But I thought mincha is short.  I asked him how he felt about that, and we discussed upgrading his computer if he went for 3 or 4 months, and he didn't seem opposed.

However, he really is having difficulty reading.  If he could read and follow along, it might make sense.  But it seems that having him go to mincha would merely be an exercise in discipline and self control for him.  And not a spiritual activity.  And while I think he's old enough to be capable of that and capable of tolerating the discomfort that would cause him, since it wouldn't actually be a meaningful davening experience, I don't quite see the point.  (I was looking to see if I ever wrote about it but I can't find it.  How I've seen Elazar spontaneously take 3 steps and bow and ask Hashem for things in his own words.)  It might regulate him to davening and it might get him to feel part of the community.  But it also might be unnecessarily painful and be one of the reasons he eventually doesn't daven.

*****

So, in summary, Elazar's getting closer to bar mitzva.  I'm simultaneously thinking that emotionally he's getting into a mindset where he is receptive to chinuch.  AND that educationally (ADHDwise) he is still incapable/unmotivated regarding the academics required for swathes of that chinuch.  Which leaves me wondering how much to nudge and how much to wait and see.

I'm definitely in a different parenting place than I was with my older children.  With them, it would have been unthinkable for me to not be firmly emphasizing how it all has to be done in time for bar mitzva.

But I've been through two teenagers and have the battle scars.  ברוך שפטרני Baruch Shepetarani (the blessing the father makes at bar mitzva: blessed that I am now no longer obligated) may happen at bar mitzva but parenting still happens through the teen years.  And I am definitely approaching the teen years differently (and less stridently) now that I'm more experienced.

As always, I do the best I can with the information I have at the time, and hope that I can continue to learn, continue to adjust to new information, and to be receptive to what my child is telling me about his needs.