The Difficulty with Tefila

Is it a good year for more intensive chinuch? Every year I wonder how Torah learning is going to play out. I want to continue the philosophy of them being able to choose to refuse. And I also want to make sure that we are being mechanech that we value Torah learning. Walking that line without forcing or pressuring or panicking is not easy. 

I don't keep track of their grades, but I think we are in middle school and early high school now. 

Since davening is a challenge for all of them, we decided to incentivize shul this year for Rosh Hashana. We made deals for them to come for the silent and repetition of mussaf. (Generally the majority of them sleep late in the morning and we have better luck with mincha/maariv than shacharis, both because of the ADHD length factor and the teenage late circadian rhythm factor). I was going to get them some fancy game like Mario Kart that they are reluctant to buy for themselves because of the expense. But they all end up preferring the matching amount in cash. We haggled through Shabbos lunch a couple of weeks ago, debating whether haggling about money on Shabbos was allowed (we decided it was like doing an auction at shul). I told them to negotiate an incentive that will make them feel excited to go to shul. Like they are earning something they're excited about and it's a worthwhile deal. I don't want them going to shul thinking they are getting the short end of the deal.

I also got them to agree to sit down with me for 7 minutes Mon-Thur so we can go through the mussaf Shemona Esrei together, so they have some idea of what they are saying, what the words mean and what the themes are.

Even 7 minutes has been a challenge, and reminds me why I unschool. (As one of them snarkily remarked about the daily 7 minutes: "We aren't unschooling anymore because I don't want to do this.") They are all close enough in age/ability that it's almost like a little classroom. They are all squirmy and reluctant.

One of them said, "Why can't I just read the English in shul?" I said you absolutely can. But without preparation, you aren't really going to understand the English. Even the English is complicated. Which we saw as we sat down to read it together.

I've been trying to give them a sense of the structure of the mussaf. It really is amazing how quickly they can get bored, how difficult it is go through the words, and how complex the phrases are.

I can really see why tefila is so arduous and meaningless for them. I hope at the end of these few weeks they'll have a sense of the themes and some of what they are saying. But they'd do better with a WAY simplified version. When I think of them struggling through the unfamiliar words and barely understanding what they are saying for hours, I can see why shul doesn't pull them.

I hope that spending the time preparing with them will be helpful in the long term and isn't too painful now. I'm keeping it short and I hope it will help them find it more meaningful. I don't know how much meaning they will find in shul this year. I hope as they mature they will eventually be able to find meaning in the long, complex prayers we say. I think studying them is essential to finding meaning in them. I'm trying to show them how much depth there is and how much there is to think about.

I was going to shorten the time because 7 minutes is a bit too long. But we are still in the middle of zichronos and there are only 2 sessions left. I don't know how much we will make through shofaros. I guess next year is another opportunity b'ezras Hashem.

Bribes/Earnings/Negotiations

I never did write about our Seder this year. Last year I was so demoralized (to be fair, it was the middle of a pandemic) at how much nobody seemed to be able to read Hebrew. It felt like I had failed in homeschool. ("In homeschool, the kids don't fail; only the teachers [moms] do!")(I just made that up.) 

 This year it turns out that everyone's Hebrew reading improved and they were pretty engaged and it was a lovely learning experience. I made a grab bag with some discussion points/scenarios/questions to answer and they really enjoyed that.

Jack and I have started learning for half an hour once (or twice a week). He's often running out of money so he earns $5 a session. He practices Hebrew reading and R' Winder. It's a joy to teach someone with the ability to sit. After two ADHD kids, it's a nice change of pace. He's doing great with R' Winder and I'm optimistic about his future ability to translate Tanach. 

Elazar has been working on the ability to tolerate minyan. He still is reading with me for 4 minutes at a sitting a few times a week. He's still not through Shemona Esrei.
He woke up on Shabbos morning before shul was over so I asked him to go to shul. He was very reluctant. After a bunch of back and forth negotiations, we agreed that if he can go to shul with his father when his father goes (if he gets a 10 minute warning), and if he goes to shul for musaf time if he's awake Shabbos morning, and if his over bar mitzva friends go to shul on Shabbos for mincha if he is with them then he'll go to shul for that. If he commits to that for a year, he can get a Nintendo Switch plus 4 games. 

This got him pretty excited but he's not sure he can commit to that. He's thinking about it.

In the meantime, he's still crossing off his Xs on his minyan chart (when he hits 30 he earns a game). He seems to be under the impression that he will simultaneously earn more Xs for new games if he commits to the Switch. That's not my inclination (when a new rewards system comes into effect, doesn't it knock out the old one?) but on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to mess with his enthusiasm. 

I think of it like this: Would I pay x dollars to see my child be excited for minyan? Would I pay double that? Yes. Yes, I would. 

limudei kodesh 4th grade & Hippocratic Parenting

My 4th grader really wants a phone. It's my policy that my kids earn their electronics.  This is against radical unschooling policy, which promotes abundance mentality.  I'm reminded of advice that my mom gave me about 17 years ago, when I had no idea what to do with my infant: "Jessie, it doesn't really matter much either way.  Just make a decision and go with it."

There are a lot of bad decisions I can make as a parent.  Sometimes it takes all of my energy to be what I call a Hippocratic Parent*: a parent that First, Does No Harm.  To simply be kind, to not be aggressive or furious or tense or impose my emotional issues on them.
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*which is different than a hypocritical parent, which is what I always associate to :-P

But a while back I read an interesting study that moderate parents who incline more towards permissiveness or more towards strictness don't actually make a difference in long term outcomes.  So the choice of raising children with an abundance mentality which inclines them to generosity, vs. the choice of raising children to earn what they get, which inclines them towards appreciation and responsibility, is really just a matter of preference. (Radical unschoolers disagree, and I respect that.)

I'm not an unschooler purist because I do want my children to learn Torah and appreciate Torah. 

And although I can appreciate that radical unschooling has a different attitude towards money and gifts and earning privileges than I do, and it makes a lot of sense, there are things that I like about having kids earning their tablets and phones and laptops.

So Jack wants a phone.  Both girls earned their phones when they finished Chamisha Chumshei Torah.  I have told Jack for years that when he finishes Chumash, he can have a phone. 

The issue is, he doesn't read Hebrew very well.  We haven't done L'shon HaTorah workbooks.  So having him read and translate isn't really an option.

But last week, late at night, he asked me to start learning with him.  So yesterday we did.  I read the first page of the Stone Chumash in Hebrew and translated (mostly Biblical Hebrew to Modern Hebrew, with a few English words thrown in like "hover" for "merachefes").  We asked a lot of questions, like What is Tohu Va'vohu?  How does one divide between light and dark?  What does it mean that the spirit of Elokim was hovering over the deep?  What deep?

I told him that these questions are like riddles and as he gets older, learning Torah is looking for answers to these riddles.  Right now we are doing a first reading.

I forgot how much fun it is to introduce someone to the joy of learning. 

I don't know if he'll keep up with this or not.  I think it probably makes more sense to not push and to let him do it when he wants.  I go back to all throughout High School, I tried doing Bio with Chen.  And we did have quite a few enjoyable Bio learning sessions, even though we never quite learned it as thoroughly as I wished.  But now she wants to take Neuroscience and Bio is the prereq, and I found her an online college level Bio course and she's learning it herself. 

So I don't know how this will play out.  Unschooling continually surprises me and never looks like I thought it would. 

elazar's tablet

Elazar wanted a game on the computer (Geometry Dash).  Our computer is not top of the line, and apparently the program that you need so you can have apps on desktops doesn't work on our computer because our graphics are not advanced enough.  So Elazar decided to save up for a tablet.  He's 8.  Chana bought herself an ipad when she was 12, half with money she had saved up plus half given to her by us for babysitting for a year for me while I taught.  The boys have no phones, no tablets, and no ipads.  Even though I allow unlimited TV and unlimited video games (we have gamecube and my brother lent us his xbox about a year ago) and unlimited computer, the kids are not allowed to touch our phones and they are restricted to the desktop in the main area and my old chromebook whose screen is green and wobbly.  And there are 2 or 3 Nintendo DS's lying around, but nobody has used them in a while.  Jack (not yet 6) has a Nintend 2DS that he saved up for for about 2 years.

Elazar finally saved up about 78 dollars since Rosh Hashana and wanted to buy himself a tablet.  I agreed to get him one and found one for a good price.  It was such a good price I almost bought one or two more for the other boys.  But I feel strongly that devices have to be earned.  Chana got her first computer because I was on bedrest and my brother gave her his old one for being my go-fer for 8 weeks.  She got her second computer as a siyum for Shmos.  She will get her upgraded computer (it's been about 4 years) when she finishes Devarim.  So I held off and didn't get the boys tablets.  I was waiting to give Elazar his tablet for Pesach.  (We don't do birthday gifts or Chanuka gifts but we do give a gift for Rosh Hashana, Succos, Shemini Atzeres, Pesach, and Shavuos.)

Today, Elazar realized that he himself was paying for it, so he shouldn't have to wait until Pesach.  I thought that was an excellent point.  However, I wanted to give it to him for some type of siyum.  I mentioned that if he ever finishes halacha yomi, I will get him a top of the line gaming computer so that he can play the latest version of minecraft (ours is so slow and old we need to run a previous version; I am not sure what they are up to but we can run 8 and not 11 or something like that).  I told him it took Chana almost 7 years to learn the Chamisha Chumshei Torah, so it will take years to go through all of Shulchan Aruch.  So we were trying to think of what he can do for the tablet.  Since he still can't read, I asked him what he thought about reading Shema.  He thought that was a good idea.

When we got home, the tablet had arrived.  Elazar tried it out and he loves it.  (Unfortunately, it has speech-to-text, which means he won't need to learn how to write for searches anymore.)

When he started reading Shema, I realized that it was going to take him a while to gain enough fluency to earn his tablet.  And it might be a good idea if he wouldn't have to wait until completing Shema to use the tablet, so that he doesn't get discouraged and give up.  Why not read some and then earn an hour of playtime?  He's been reading a line and earning an hour.  I set the timer.  Then he wants to read another line and earn an hour.  He's basically doing the same multimedia use that he generally does, but he's been reading to earn time.

I assume this is not strictly in the spirit of unschooling, where I would not be pushing him to read Hebrew before he himself feels like doing it.  I guess I'm still a bit too chicken to do that.

On the other hand, I feel pretty strongly that it is so easy to spoil the kids in our society full of abundance.  Kids used to have to help for hours with chores that were necessary for survival.  Adults used to have to spend a day baking bread and a day doing laundry by the river.  Now kids have so much free time and so little input in contributing to survival that I feel like I'm often fighting against a mentality of "בא לי"/"It's coming to me," I should get it because I want it.  A sense of entitlement.

I want there to be a sense of working for it.  And I want to cultivate a sense of "הוי עמלים בתורה" the area for toil is Torah.  I want the excitement and delight of his first tablet forever mingled with the accomplishment of Torah.

resolution of sorts

So how did it go yesterday?  Aharon screaming about eggs, Chana sniffling about rashis, Chana being emotional in general, Mommy being negative and lacking confidence and feeling grouchy and burnt out?

I dragged Chana on an errand.  She didn't want to go and I put my foot down.  She said she wants to be alone, I said I was concerned about her emotional state, and I insisted.

We spent the first part of the drive with her saying how she is so angry in general, and me saying that this is normal, at which point she asked me-- if it's normal, why am I concerned.  I didn't know what to answer her.

(When I discussed it with my husband later, he intelligently said that just because something is normal doesn't mean we ignore it.)

We went on the errand (by very happy coincidence, two of the boys were on a playdate and Aharon was pretty low key) and it was just time spent together, being physically next to each other.

When we came home, Chana was much calmer.  To the point where I was tempted to try rashi again.  But I've made that mistake before!

We left rashi alone for the rest of the day.

This morning, Chana came over to me first thing and asked to do Chumash.  We did new pesukim, and then started rashi.  She immediately began to get emotional.  She was crying quietly, and tears kept running down her cheeks.  (They reminded me about my mention about the skill of working while experiencing very strong emotions.)  She was upset, but in a place where a part of her was noticing her upsetness.  She commented that her voice sounded like Jack when he whines, and we smiled.  And we had a conversation about her tears.  (And we took a break to look at the pictures floating around the web recently about the different chemical composition of different types of tears.)

We also tried talking about different approaches to handling these rashis.  She said there were too many, and I suggested a few different ways to make them manageable (we'll only do a few a day, we'll focus on some skills but not all skills, etc).  She had problems with all my suggestions.  I pointed this out, and she agreed.  I suggested we celebrate when she got through the rashis, perhaps by going to a restaurant, and she refused.  Why don't rewards work?  I suggested she agree since she'd be doing the rashis with or without sushi, and she still refused.

I read all the rashis to her and translated them.  Although there are a lot, I don't think the concepts are too hard and I do think they are interesting and useful and straightforward to read.  As we went through the rashis, I think she saw that was the case.  It also helped that we waited until she was in a better state of mind.

anti alfie

today chana finished reading shemona esrei for the reward of getting a facebook acct.  she has been working on shemona esrei for months.  when sarah was younger, i consulted my rabbi about sarah's reluctance to daven.  he said that women have more leeway and i can tell her to daven 1 shemona esrei a day and minimal introduction (ashrei or shema).  chana has not shown an inclination to spend a half hour reading hebrew that she doesn't understand and finds boring (aka daven), so i figured that i would gear up to her chiyuv as she gets closer to bat mitzva.  for her evening reading for a while i've been directing her towards different brachos, bentching, shema, and shemona esrei.  when she asked for a fb account, i said when she masters fluent shemona esrei.  this weekend she got on a kick and read brachos of hodaya until she was fluent.  she read the whole thing to me yesterday and then today she read the last 3 brachos and then she timed herself and clocked in at 9 minutes.  (side question: does the school allow as many minutes as it actually takes for kids who are just starting out to read it completely?)  she said she would now say shemona esrei every day.  tune in to see if she is emotionally capable of spending 10 min a night on it or if she will find it overbearing.  hopefully by the time she is bat mitzva we will have gotten through the general categories of the requests and the translation of at least the first bracha.  i was happy that she was picking out a lot of words that she knew from chumash as she read sim shalom: "hey, that's favor, mercy... and what's that one?  oh, yeah, kindness."

also, she's remembering the brachos of yaakov beautifully.  we finished them up (she probably won't remember parts of yosef that are complicated and vague and she and i aren't quite sure what the pshat is, so i don't know if there is much benefit to doing more chazara of that) and she is in the home stretch.  i was urging her to finish the perek, and she was reluctant until i reminded her that her computer is waiting.  then she got excited and raced through it.

i understand that anti rewards is because although it might make the student more inclined to get through the work, it ultimately sucks the life and inherent enjoyment from the activity.

however (i know i always go back and forth about this), it seems to me that there isn't much inherent enjoyment in learning to translate.  (we just read yissachar who digs in his shoulder to bear the burden of torah).  or becoming fluent at davening when you don't understand the words.  (theoretically, we can sing it or make a game of it.  i wonder if there would be different long-term attitudes towards tefila by a child who was rewarded with a fb account for achieving shemona esrei vs a child who was cajoled to learn tefila by pleasant games and songs).

so chana's fb account is only for her online avatar and a platform for her youtube videos.  she is to only be on fb in the main room of the house.  i have permission to go onto her account to check on her activities and conversations.  she is to post no personal information or pictures (it is only for her avatar).

i'd also like to mention that sarah felt embarrassed and upset when she got to school and she was not fluent in the tefilla.  you know how your kid fights you and then you give in and then they come back and say, "you should have pushed me?"  lol is that every homeschooler's nightmare?  :-P
so sarah has mentioned a few times that chana is going to be embarrassed by not knowing the tefilla.  and she is going to camp this summer.  i mentioned the issue to her, and she answered, as sarah did before her: "can't i just move my lips like i'm saying it and just say what i know?"  which is exactly where i said, with sarah, "ok.  whatever you want."  cue future complaints.

chazara day whatever

you can look at the dates and figure it out yourself if you want.  we did half of revi'i on shabbos.  well, it was actually less than half but i told chana that whatever she doesn't do, she was finishing up the aliyah next time.  she agreed and finished it today.  today is presidents' day and i thought, wouldn't it be great if we finish the whole parsha today and then we can start the next parsha tomorrow?  chana did not seem enamored of this idea.  i said we'll take a lot of breaks.  she said my idea of a break is 5 minutes.  i said, ok, an hour.  she finished up revi'i just now.  there were quite a few words she didn't know.  i wasn't sitting next to her.  what i have been doing until now is not telling her the word, but telling her to continue translating and see if she remembers the word from context.  because it's 4:30pm and i've been trying to do chumash for hours with her and everyone is awake and needing me, i was not at my attentive best.  so i just told her the words.  i'll try to stay more on top of that for the rest of chazara. 

i don't know if we'll get to the whole parsha today.  chamishi is short but shishi is a doozy.  i also want to do math and reading and writing... we shall see.  maybe since today is a "day off" in the school system, i should focus just on chumash.

chana's computer is really going slowly and having trouble and she's doing 5+ hrs a day on movie making and i'd really like her to get a new one already.

oh, and while we were reviewing the pasuk of "and he didn't yasaf to know her anymore" she forgot what that meant.  and i said either it meant yehuda didn't stop knowing tamar or he didn't know her anymore after that.  ari was leaving the house and she called, "daddy!" but he left.  and i asked her what she wanted.  she said she wanted to ask him if he knew what it meant.  i said, what do you mean, i just told you what it means.  she said she wanted to ask him if he knew which one it was: did yehuda stop or did he stay with her?

so i said, quoting a rashi we've been doing, "chad amar v'chad amar!"

and she knew what i meant :-)

(it's the rashi that yosef went to do his work.  rav and shmuel.  chad amar his actual work, and chad amar to do his needs with potiphar's wife).

i want to finish already!

i told chana we'd buy her a computer when she finishes sefer bereshis. her current laptop was a present from my brother (given when i was on bedrest--what a fabulous gift) and it was his old (read "very slow") laptop that he was not using anymore, anyway.

(as much as this is not very alfie cohen of me, i must point out that this is not motivating her to move any quicker than she would otherwise.) it will, however, mark the occasion as a special and significant achievement.

i wish she would finish already because she spends most of her days making movies, and is pretty frustrated with her computer. however, i strongly believe it's important to work towards things. especially expensive things.

we are in chamishi of vayeshev. then miketz, vayigash, vayechi...

the boot chart

she has already finished all the borei nefashos because they are short.