The Difficulty with Tefila

Is it a good year for more intensive chinuch? Every year I wonder how Torah learning is going to play out. I want to continue the philosophy of them being able to choose to refuse. And I also want to make sure that we are being mechanech that we value Torah learning. Walking that line without forcing or pressuring or panicking is not easy. 

I don't keep track of their grades, but I think we are in middle school and early high school now. 

Since davening is a challenge for all of them, we decided to incentivize shul this year for Rosh Hashana. We made deals for them to come for the silent and repetition of mussaf. (Generally the majority of them sleep late in the morning and we have better luck with mincha/maariv than shacharis, both because of the ADHD length factor and the teenage late circadian rhythm factor). I was going to get them some fancy game like Mario Kart that they are reluctant to buy for themselves because of the expense. But they all end up preferring the matching amount in cash. We haggled through Shabbos lunch a couple of weeks ago, debating whether haggling about money on Shabbos was allowed (we decided it was like doing an auction at shul). I told them to negotiate an incentive that will make them feel excited to go to shul. Like they are earning something they're excited about and it's a worthwhile deal. I don't want them going to shul thinking they are getting the short end of the deal.

I also got them to agree to sit down with me for 7 minutes Mon-Thur so we can go through the mussaf Shemona Esrei together, so they have some idea of what they are saying, what the words mean and what the themes are.

Even 7 minutes has been a challenge, and reminds me why I unschool. (As one of them snarkily remarked about the daily 7 minutes: "We aren't unschooling anymore because I don't want to do this.") They are all close enough in age/ability that it's almost like a little classroom. They are all squirmy and reluctant.

One of them said, "Why can't I just read the English in shul?" I said you absolutely can. But without preparation, you aren't really going to understand the English. Even the English is complicated. Which we saw as we sat down to read it together.

I've been trying to give them a sense of the structure of the mussaf. It really is amazing how quickly they can get bored, how difficult it is go through the words, and how complex the phrases are.

I can really see why tefila is so arduous and meaningless for them. I hope at the end of these few weeks they'll have a sense of the themes and some of what they are saying. But they'd do better with a WAY simplified version. When I think of them struggling through the unfamiliar words and barely understanding what they are saying for hours, I can see why shul doesn't pull them.

I hope that spending the time preparing with them will be helpful in the long term and isn't too painful now. I'm keeping it short and I hope it will help them find it more meaningful. I don't know how much meaning they will find in shul this year. I hope as they mature they will eventually be able to find meaning in the long, complex prayers we say. I think studying them is essential to finding meaning in them. I'm trying to show them how much depth there is and how much there is to think about.

I was going to shorten the time because 7 minutes is a bit too long. But we are still in the middle of zichronos and there are only 2 sessions left. I don't know how much we will make through shofaros. I guess next year is another opportunity b'ezras Hashem.

Yamim Noraim II

The lessons are going well so far.

Lesson 1:
-Talked about the difference between teshuva, selicha, and kapara.  Used a basic metaphor of me stealing from her and how all those elements would play out.
-Talked about how a day for kapara is useful to the Jewish people
-Talked about the idea of 10 days of teshuva
-Talked about how the theme of Rosh Hashana is Hashem as Melech (framed it as "Man is not melech" because of her agnostic tendencies).  Looked at piyut of Melech Elyon/Melech Evyon.  She enjoyed the death imagery.
-Talked about how Rosh Hashana is "New Year, New me" (her catchphrase)
-Left with question of why the theme for "New year, new me" would be "I am not King"

Lesson 2:
Went through Rambam Hil Teshuva 2:8-9 about how teshuva is especially good this time of the year.  She read reluctantly because it has no nekudos (she did well) and she translated with me helping out a bit.  Talked about the benefit of having a national time to focus on teshuva.

I made a list of the things I wanted to cover:
shacharis shemona esrei
musaf shemona esrei
torah readings
haftora
avinu malkeinu
concepts of shofar

Then we began talking about what her plan was for davening on Rosh Hashana.  I wanted her to try to stay in shul for the whole time.  And at this point, we began to have a classic teenage/mother interaction.  Sometimes I feel like I am saying things because I care about her and love her, and it's so frustrating because she is just finding me irritating and annoying.  And the more I talk because the more I am concerned, the more annoyed at me she gets.  So then I back down but the damage is done, and instead of feeling loving and connected, she feels annoyed and frustrated and I feel concerned and icky about the whole interaction.

She told me I'm conveying to her how much I care about Torah and mitzvos, but it also makes her dread chagim she used to either look forward to or feel neutral about.

After hearing that (I was hoping for her to stay in the entire 100 blasts), I asked her if davening Shacharis shemona esrei and musaf shemona esrei would be okay for her.  She agreed but the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.  I want to just go back in and reconnect but I still have 2 more interactions with her that involve responsibilities.  I can knock one off til tomorrow...

After some thought, I am putting both of those aside.  Tonight I will try to reconnect with no agenda.  I read a parenting book over the weekend and one thing that I remember from it is that kids can sniff an ulterior motive from a mile away.  The idea is to spend time with them without having opinions about how it should go, what they should do, how they should benefit, what should they gain, and what the interaction should engender.  We'll see if I can try that tonight.

Yamim Noraim

I woke up this morning thinking about tefila over Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.  What can I do to make the hours in shul meaningful for Chana?

This is the first year in a long time that I see myself spending any significant time in shul.  My youngest is four, capable of playing outside with all the kids and not being in danger of running into the street, or needing his mommy, or needing to be closely supervised.  I imagine that he'll be in and out of shul visiting me, but it means I will hopefully be able to stay in shul for a portion of the time.

And aside from the time spent in shul, I was wondering what to teach Chana in terms of the yamim noraim altogether.  I thought about going through some of Rambam's hilchos teshuva, but she has numerous objections to Midas Hadin as expressed in Bamidbar, and I'm not sure that the concept of viewing oneself as a beinoni would be most suited to where she is emotionally right now.  I was thinking about which themes to highlight that she would find relevant and meaningful.

I'd also like to review the musaf shemona esrei with her.  And perhaps study the Torah readings and maybe look at the haftorah (Chana's story, which of course she knows well) on a deeper level.  And then I was thinking about going through the machzor just basically so she knows the different tefilos and what is happening when.

Then I realized that I'm likely being super over ambitious.  I wonder if it is better to drop Devarim until after Rosh Hashana.  Well, I just looked at the calendar and it's about two weeks.  So I think that is definitely what I'll do.

I'm not sure if the story of the akeida is best to address right now with her, either.

I think today's plan will be
What is Rosh Hashana
Vayikra 23:24, Bamidbar 29:1
Maybe some ideas of the mitzva of shofar.
Maybe some thoughts about the concept of teshuva specific to this time of year.

And now I'm thinking maybe Elazar (grade 3) and perhaps even the other 2 boys might be interested in the procedure of the avoda of the kohen gadol on Yom Kippur.  We'll see if that pans out.

pre-rosh hashana

Perhaps I should start by saying, "Don't homeschool close to the chagim."  Or "Never attempt homeschooling before a 3-day-yontif."

Anyway, for Chana, I wanted to show her the different parts of shacharis shemona esrei, which is her basic level chiyuv.  She doesn't like to say an unfamiliar one when she is stuck in amidah and can't ask if she's supposed to say this paragraph or not.

If we have time, I'd like to go through malchiyos, zichronos, and shofaros with her.  Outside the text.

I had a brainstorm to have her go through the Torah readings for both days (and hopefully the haftorah of the story of Chana, which has special significance to her name and why that is her name).

So we had a miscommunication and she thought she was doing the Torah portion instead of Chumash, and I thought in addition (she is up to chazara of shishi and I'd really like to be through sefer Shmos in a couple of months).  A batch of chocolate chip cookie dough did not improve her mood, in case you were thinking of trying that tactic out.

She agreed to set the timer for 10 minutes and do however much.  She got through half the Torah reading.  It's a nice chazara.  She doesn't remember the difficult or unusual words, but I wouldn't expect her to.  I would have been delighted if she had known it better, but on the up side, it is clearly not her first time going through this material.

And now back to cooking.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the boys' fighting (Jack and Aharon) was SO bad I had to call Ari down for backup (luckily it's Labor Day) and Elazar was asking where his cookie dough was over and over, even though I kept saying I'd give it to him in 10 minutes (he eventually went to the fridge and found the one with his name on it).