Some Chizuk for Homeschooling Limudei Kodesh

 I was talking to a friend who is nervous about homeschooling, particularly on the Judaic Studies front. I jotted down a few thoughts and here they are:

It doesn't actually take that long to learn skills. It can be done in 2-3 years post high school in yeshiva.

There is a lot of Torah learning that can be done in an enjoyable way (telling stories etc., having conversation, learning topics like hashkafa or halacha outside any book) that can be tailored to students who are "not students." There was an amazing session at one of the Jewish homeschooling conferences I went to years ago and she talked about how in homeschool we have the freedom to avoid Chumash skills and hours of Gemara if they are not working for our child. We can be creative and there are SO many paths of Torah learning. Chassidus, Navi stories that they'll relate to, coloring, videos, hands on stuff. There is no need to go "the classic path" just because yeshivas do it.

Baalei teshuva are the scaredest to go rogue. They so badly want their kids to have the yeshiva education they didn't get.

People who got the yeshiva education are less enamored of it. Ari once told me the worst torture of boredom he ever had in his life was 7th grade Gemara and he used to think to himself, "if I can get through this, I can get through anything boring in the world." All he wants for his kids is for them not to suffer that.

It could be really exciting for you to get the skills at the same time your kids do. I'm in love with the Rabbi Winder books. (l'shon hatorah). I had ok skills before but this knocked me up to the next level and it's what I used to teach in high school. I was renowned for teaching skills--and I picked up those skills teaching my own children.

Rabbi Winder workbooks

 I really love the L'Shon HaTorah workbooks by Rabbi Winder. And all 3 boys are finally old enough to do them. I want to make it part of their Avos UBanim Motzei Shabbos learning, but E is old enough that he doesn't do that anymore. I'd love to sit them all down once a week to do it for 10 minutes or so. But they'd have to agree (#unschooling) (not #radicalunschooling or I'd wait for them to ask) and I just don't know that they would agree to it. 

Another possibility is leaving E alone and figuring he'll either be an adult who isn't much into skills or wait until he passionately desires skills and is willing to put in his own efforts when he's older. And just seeing if the younger 2 boys are willing.

Then I think that odds are, in the high school years or in the going to Israel years, they'll be interested in acquiring skills and why not just wait until then?

The eternal tug of war between whether or not to try to involve them in skills or trust that they'll eventually want skills and work to acquire them from their own motivation.

I will certainly bring it up for discussion and see if there is willingness. Jack has been learning with me once a week as part of our evening special time, and I think he does better when learning in a linear, orderly fashion. I've been skipping around and I don't think it's doing much, similar to when I was he kept asking me and I was haphazardly trying to teach him to read and he was much happier with a textbook and curriculum.

So even though I think it would be more fun for Jack and Aharon to learn together, it may be that Jack is the one who is ready and it's not time for Aharon yet. But I will discuss it with them and see.

Even if they may be theoretically amenable, oftentimes they are very busy with their own pursuits and are unwilling to stop. Jack stops once a week to have special time with me, and when I asked if we could learn a little Torah as part of that, he said Sure. But the odds of also getting Aharon to join go down exponentially when you are trying to coordinate with more people. So that's why even though it might be fun for them to do it together, practically that may not end up being something that can be regularly coordinated.

I do suspect that once the two youngest are interested in skills, they'll be motivated and put the time and effort in.

I'm Always Teaching Too Long

I looked at the part I was planning to learn with Elazar today.  About 6 pesukim and some math (1/50 vs 1/500 and so we can discuss which is a bigger number). 

Elazar was dreading it so I figured I'd keep it short.  Not a whole aliyah.  Just a few pesukim.  Then maybe he won't dread it and it will be ok. 

We started and he asked when Moshe was going to die.  I had no idea what he was talking about (I knew Bilaam died in this war, but not Moshe) and he reminded me that Hashem told Moshe "Fight a Revenge War against Midian and then you'll die." 

So I told him his parsha is the last 2 parshas of Sefer Bamidbar, and indeed Moshe does die afterwards...at the end of Devarim.  And Devarim is Moshe's final speech.  E was greatly amused that Moshe was just giving a speech for all those pages. 

Then he asked how Moshe died.  I turned to the pesukim of how he died and Hashem buried him.  Then I wanted to do the Rashi with him about how Aharon died and Moshe wanted that death.  E was rolling his eyes by then and begging to stop.  I said let's do this and no more pesukim in your parsha.  He agreed.  I found the Rashi and read it out loud to him.  He understood about half of the words without needing translation.  (Some of the words were pretty unfamiliar.)  I had him act out what the rashi said about Aharon dying.  He thought it was a pretty good death and saw why Moshe would want it too.

So we didn't get to the pesukim I intended but he learned the answers to questions he asked.  Which is more satisfying, I think.  (This artificial construct of learning a specific thing by a specific time is something I've complained about so many times.)  (On the other hand, I do think the artificial imposition of a "manhood ceremony" does encourage kids to rise to the occasion.)

I wanted him to practice reading Hebrew (I did that this morning with him after davening) but he was already burnt out.  It's astonishing how very quickly he burns out and how difficult it is for him to pay attention.  He was using the exercise ball the entire time and he was still very quickly wiped out.  Nonetheless, it wasn't unpleasant.

E says he'd still prefer to avoid it.  "It's not something I fully hate but I don't want to do it."

here's how not unschooling goes

I told E I'd like to learn his parsha with him.  He said, "No, no, no" and curled up into a ball on the couch under a blanket.

I said to him yesterday, "Do you truly not want to learn your Parsha?" (This is me reading the pesukim out loud in Hebrew to him and then translating them.)

He said, "I know I have to, but I don't want to." 

Today was only 4 pesukim because he couldn't sit through what I had planned yesterday.  (I was trying to do one aliyah per sitting; he has a double parsha so that's 14 aliyos total.)  So he was dreading it but it wasn't so bad.

Then I spoke with him about wanting to improve his reading.  He was kind of dismayed at all the brachos he has to learn for the haftora.  I said reading fluently would help.  He said, "Noooooooo" it's difficult and he doesn't like it. I explained that if he would be able to read at the pace of talking, it wouldn't be hard to learn the brachos if he could read like that.  He said that he has trouble with the letters with the dagesh and without, being able to tell them apart. 

I asked him if he wanted to just work on knowing those first.  He said no.

He said he'd rather learn to read later.  I said I'd like to do it now.

I had him read a line from one of the haftora brachos.  I said only one line a day. 

He read it.  He started off very slowly with mistakes.  Got into a groove as he went.  It was a line with no tricky stuff.  He translated as he went.  (Score for speaking in Hebrew!)  The line finished and I said, "That's it."  And he said, "That wasn't so bad."

I'm glad it ended up not so bad.  I'm glad it's not torture.  I'm having some flashbacks to why I started this blog in the first place. 

I don't think I'm "ruining" him.  I often say in parenting (or homeschooling) there isn't "right" and "wrong" (aside from things that are harmful)(אין המקרא אומר אלא דרשני) as much as there are actions and consequences.  This action will lead to him having better reading.  It will also lead to unpleasant associations with Torah and learning.  Only time will tell if is worth it.  Plus there are so many factors we probably won't be able to tell which details contributed to a love/hate/indifference/passion for Torah and which factors opposed it.  Plus what works for one child does and does not work for others.  It's complicated.

I do my best and I daven.

learning E's bar mitzva parsha

We've been doing ok on the birchas haftorah.  We found a video and sing along to it and E's been learning it. 

I've had a hard time sitting down with him to learn the parsha.  Not leining; Ari's doing that with him.   It's hard to find time to sit and learn with him.  I guess I'm settling in to the new school year at work and the yom tovim are coming up. 

I realized also I'm having a hard time focusing.  What are our learning goals?

Today I had a conversation with Elazar.  I said that learning his parsha involves 4 skills:

1) leining/trope
2) reading
3) translating
4) understanding

I asked him which skills he is interested in working on and which skills he wants to pursue.  He said that the reading part is the hardest for him.  But he also felt that the reading would be important to have by his bar mitzva.  He figured he'll be working on reading with his father at avos u'banim, so he'd prefer not to do that with me.

He said he likes figuring out what the words mean if I read him the words.  So he doesn't mine trying to translate it and having me help him.  He thinks that's fun.  (And he generously added that when I read it to him, I could read it with the trope.)

So that's the plan.  I read it to him, and together we'll translate.  And then try to understand the pasuk.  We'll see how that goes.

Aharon's First Torah

A couple of days ago, Aharon told me he doesn't like it when I speak in Hebrew. 

"Well," I said, "I speak in Hebrew so that when you want to read the Torah, you'll understand it.  Because the Torah is in Hebrew."

And he said, "But I can't read the Torah."

"Actually, I think you can," I said.  He hasn't been practicing his Hebrew reading very much (except once a week at Avos U'Banim), but like unschoolers usually do, he had practiced every day while he was interested in mastering it, then hit a level of proficiency and stopped working on it.  Last time I saw him read, I felt he was pretty fluent.  I had been thinking I should offer to work on davening with him, but as always, I vacillate between wondering if I should try to work with them and figuring it will be way more efficient and quick if they do it when they are motivated.

Aharon and Elazar began talking about how they actually knew a fair amount of what the words meant in the Hebrew reader.

[When I started unschooling, I had a fear that one day my kids would grow up, realize they have massive gaps in their education, and blame me for not forcing them to learn it.  But I then realized that a lot of unschooling is cheerfully talking about how when they want it and are interested in it, they'll learn it.  So they don't learn Torah inside right now, but when it comes up, we talk about how when they are interested and want to, they'll learn it.  It turns out that unschoolers happily and cheerfully learn new things and master new skills as they become relevant or interesting.]

Tonight, Aharon was wandering around, and I said, "Hey, want to try to read the Torah?"

He said okay.  I asked him which part of Torah is his favorite.  He said the part where Hashem turned the water into blood. 

No problem.  I pulled out Shmos and opened up the pasuk.  Aharon read המים and I repeated it after him and he said, "the water!"  Then he read אשר and didn't know what it was.  I said "that" and he said "אשר קדשנו במצותיו" and I said Yup. Then he read ביאור and I told him that was the Hebrew word for the Nile River.  Then he was getting antsy and I told him just one more word.  And I pointed to the last word in the pasuk and he read לדם.  And I repeated it and he didn't know.  And I said just "dam" and he said, "Blood!"  And he grinned.

****

An example of how halacha comes up naturally: Aharon wanted to eat his pizza bagel and I told him to make a bracha but he was waiting for the bagel to call off a bit.  Then he came over to me a minute later with a tiny bit of the cheese from the top and asked me if this was the same bracha as the bagel.  I said no, that's shehakol, and he should make that bracha and then a bracha on the bagel later when it cools down.

Letting go

Jack doesn't seem all that enthused about learning Chumash.  I have to ask him every day.  And I am really not sure how much he's understanding conceptually.  It makes sense to me to stop for now unless he asks me to do it.  So I've decided to not ask him to learn anymore.  Of course I will learn with him if he asks to do it with me.

Chen finished up her bio course and is arranging a proctored test so she can get credit.  She just signed up for neurology from Coursera starting in a couple of days.

She is applying to college soon (not sure if she wants to go or not) and getting all the ducks in a row for college application is tricky.  I'm not sure everything will be ready in time.  I wanted her to apply next year instead, but she spent a lot of time on her essays this summer and doesn't want that to go to waste.  So I'm getting good practice in trying to stay calm and just do the parts that are up to me and not making myself crazy in the process.  I don't like to do things last minute, but Chen is more sanguine about that sort of thing than I am.  I'm doing my best to remain cheerful, positive, helpful, and follow up on all the paperwork that needs collecting.  If it gets done, great.  If not, not. 

The good news is that Chen is happily doing college level work now.  She has so many backup possibilities.  If we don't get her application in on time for the scholarship, she can still apply later not for scholarship.  She can apply next year for scholarship.  She can continue doing college work as she's doing now for a while.  She can apply to other types of training.  She is so young and there are so many opportunities and options.  I am curious to see how this all turns out.

Just muddling through

I met a psychologist this summer who said he was very interested in ADHD vs. neurotypical people.  He said that ADHD kids absolutely cannot focus when they are not interested.  Other people can focus even if it bores them, but ADHD kids cannot.

In my experience that is true; Elazar starts shredding things and wiggling and I imagine he would devolve into "misbehavior" but in our house we don't really have "misbehavior."  We have "ways of communicating that are clear, straightforward, and understandable" and "other ways of communicating a need or issue."

Suffice it to say that after dragging through part of the leining for one day of Rosh Hashana, Elazar is wiped out and I haven't tried to learn with him again.

Jack, on the other hand, is quite a contrast.  I can see that he is sometimes a bit bored but he is determined to get through the Chumash.  This is very much a personality difference.  I would say a brain difference, a neurological difference.  Yesterday he got a bit bored reading about the different rivers coming out of Eden.  So today I suggested we just do half of a page, since yesterday was emotionally boring.  He agreed.

But then it was so exciting (with the snake, and the tree) that we ended up going through the whole page and part of the next one.

He asked why, if Hashem told them they would die when they ate from the tree, did they not die?  I told him the Ramban's answer.  But I said not everyone agrees and that's a great question, and he should ask Daddy.

I read him the Hebrew and then translate it (either into simple Hebrew if he'll understand it or even into English if he needs it, or most often a hodge-podge).  I wonder if there is a benefit to reading it in Hebrew or if his mind just drifts and waits for the explanation part.  And therefore I'm making it needlessly twice as long.  I wish I had some expert to ask.

I'm just muddling through.

the opposite of unschooling

Jack is learning because he wants to earn a phone.  He spends a lot of time during the learning thinking about how many pages are left in the chumash and how long it will take him to earn it.  He doesn't seem to especially enjoy learning.  However, we have moments of questions or nuances that I love.  I don't know if he loves it. 

I thought Elazar and I had a really nice lesson yesterday.  We did only 2 pesukim (they were long, though).  Bereshis 21:16-17.  Where Hagar went the distance of an arrow shot.  I had Elazar stand and imagine himself with a bow and I kept walking further and further until he estimated how far the arrow would go.

But today he's still reluctant.  He still has the memory of it being boring and hard to sit through. 

I was going to try to go through 4 pesukim today.  But that's too much.  I'm going to go through 2 today and 2 tomorrow.  And then it's already Shabbos, and Sunday is Erev Rosh Hashana and I'll be cooking.  And so I will only get through revi'i of the first day of Rosh Hashana leining.

Yet again, I find that it's important to pare down my expectations when dealing with ADHD.  To make it in small, manageable chunks.  To make it as painless as possible.

2nd day learning portion for RH reading day 1

I had to coax E to learn with me this morning, and promised it wouldn't be too long.  We reviewed the facts from yesterday (Avraham had a son Yitzchak, his other son Yishmael was banished).  He agreed to do 3 pesukim today.  We did them quickly.  He didn't love it.  The whole time he was antsy to get away. 

Hopefully it showed him that it wasn't too painful and he won't mind tomorrow.

This is actually a good example of how when the teacher creates a lesson that is not in line with the student's needs (yesterday), or even possibly outside of the student's capacity, the student can dread learning.

We'll see if the key is manageable chunks.

limudei kodesh 6th grade

I thought it would be interesting for Elazar to go through a bit of the Torah portion for Rosh Hashana.

Let this be a lesson to you all.  I tried to do too much. 

Pretty much anything you can think of is too much for a kid with ADHD. 

I had already trimmed down my expectations.  Instead of all the themes of Rosh Hashana and the Shemona Esrei of Rosh Hashana, I figured we'll just do some of the Torah Reading.

I wanted to lein the pesukim to him since he's musically inclined, but since I'm not fluent, I knew my stumbling over it slowly would make him antsy, so I decided to read it swiftly.

I wanted to ask him to contribute to translation, but I knew that would make him antsy, so I decided to translate.

He got through the first aliyah (4 pesukim).  We should have stopped there.  I wanted to do 2 aliyot each day and cover both readings in a week.  He didn't make it.  He squirmed on my lap, falling off of it a few times and mostly lying perpendicular to me with his legs straight out.  He lost track of what I was saying.  He stopped listening.

I think my mistake was tying it too closely to the pesukim.  He can handle looking at maybe one or two pesukim closely at a time without a break.  I can either have him think closely about the text of the pasuk, or I can use the five minutes to engage him conceptually, and maybe have a conversation.  I believe that conceptually and mentally he's ready now and sophisticated enough to think about certain ideas. 

Maybe it's the wrong approach to tie it to the pesukim. 

I've been thinking about teaching the akeida to him (2nd day Rosh Hashana leining).  I feel like he'll find it interesting to think about. 

On the other hand, I have been startled before with how unsettled my kids have been about the emotional implications of God telling a parent to kill his child.  When they didn't learn the story in nursery school, it's a bit shocking.  Sticking with the story of Hagar and the angel is probably a safer choice.  We can discuss the akeida in the future.

So I will try again tomorrow.  As much as it's difficult for him to sit, if I try to make the session shorter (shorter than 3 minutes, apparently) and make it a little more discussion oriented, I think he will feel good about being asked if he wants to learn.  I am demonstrating that I think he's of an age where he is mature enough to sit for a few minutes and learn Torah.

And if he says he's not interested, no harm done.

limudei kodesh 4th grade & Hippocratic Parenting

My 4th grader really wants a phone. It's my policy that my kids earn their electronics.  This is against radical unschooling policy, which promotes abundance mentality.  I'm reminded of advice that my mom gave me about 17 years ago, when I had no idea what to do with my infant: "Jessie, it doesn't really matter much either way.  Just make a decision and go with it."

There are a lot of bad decisions I can make as a parent.  Sometimes it takes all of my energy to be what I call a Hippocratic Parent*: a parent that First, Does No Harm.  To simply be kind, to not be aggressive or furious or tense or impose my emotional issues on them.
______
*which is different than a hypocritical parent, which is what I always associate to :-P

But a while back I read an interesting study that moderate parents who incline more towards permissiveness or more towards strictness don't actually make a difference in long term outcomes.  So the choice of raising children with an abundance mentality which inclines them to generosity, vs. the choice of raising children to earn what they get, which inclines them towards appreciation and responsibility, is really just a matter of preference. (Radical unschoolers disagree, and I respect that.)

I'm not an unschooler purist because I do want my children to learn Torah and appreciate Torah. 

And although I can appreciate that radical unschooling has a different attitude towards money and gifts and earning privileges than I do, and it makes a lot of sense, there are things that I like about having kids earning their tablets and phones and laptops.

So Jack wants a phone.  Both girls earned their phones when they finished Chamisha Chumshei Torah.  I have told Jack for years that when he finishes Chumash, he can have a phone. 

The issue is, he doesn't read Hebrew very well.  We haven't done L'shon HaTorah workbooks.  So having him read and translate isn't really an option.

But last week, late at night, he asked me to start learning with him.  So yesterday we did.  I read the first page of the Stone Chumash in Hebrew and translated (mostly Biblical Hebrew to Modern Hebrew, with a few English words thrown in like "hover" for "merachefes").  We asked a lot of questions, like What is Tohu Va'vohu?  How does one divide between light and dark?  What does it mean that the spirit of Elokim was hovering over the deep?  What deep?

I told him that these questions are like riddles and as he gets older, learning Torah is looking for answers to these riddles.  Right now we are doing a first reading.

I forgot how much fun it is to introduce someone to the joy of learning. 

I don't know if he'll keep up with this or not.  I think it probably makes more sense to not push and to let him do it when he wants.  I go back to all throughout High School, I tried doing Bio with Chen.  And we did have quite a few enjoyable Bio learning sessions, even though we never quite learned it as thoroughly as I wished.  But now she wants to take Neuroscience and Bio is the prereq, and I found her an online college level Bio course and she's learning it herself. 

So I don't know how this will play out.  Unschooling continually surprises me and never looks like I thought it would. 

High School Judaic Studies plans for this year

I cannot believe how the air turned crisp as soon as September 1st happened.  Chana is back from her August travels.  I start teaching out of the house tomorrow, one class.  I'm working out babysitting trades with my homeschooling neighbor so I can go to work because I told Chana to choose one class in the school I work at, and she chose two.  She chose Mishlei, which students in the school usually describe with hyperbolic enthusiasm.  However, since that class is only given for 11th graders (and she is in 10th--yet another shout out to the incredibly flexible principal I work with), Chana decided she would like to hang out with some of the students she met last year, and she decided to come to my Chumash class.  These are the girls she was in Chumash with last year.  She dropped out of Chumash in January.

The whole last year I wasn't sure if I was making the wrong or right decision by insisting that she go to class.  She complained about it a lot and felt that the girls were not really her speed.  This is true.  But also true is that she's a slow warmer upper and maybe she would make some relationships.  What was definite is that the girls in the school were very receptive and friendly to her, liked her, and were willing to embrace her.  I figured even if she doesn't click with any of them, it's not like it's an emotionally horrifying experience to be around people who like you.

I think a lot of people feel like socialization is a problem to worry about  if you decide to homeschool.  We have certainly been asked "What about socialization" in many different ways and it comes up in most conversations when people discover that we homeschool.
But I also know many, many parents whose children are in school who have deep and painful socialization woes with their children.  There is loneliness and conflict and socialization in school isn't all sunshine and happiness.  And in my experience with my own children, my first daughter was lonely in homeschool when one friend moved away and another friend matriculated and then she decided to go to school.  But it took her almost TWO YEARS in school before she made friends.  And she was a very social child who was eager to make friends.  My second daughter is seeking a very specific type of person and type of intimacy which is also not so easy to find, even in school.

Anyway, she's not joining my class for the Torah (I can easily teach it to her at home and in a fraction of the time) and I have no doubt she'll dump it in five seconds if my class bores her too much.  But it does confirm that nudging her into attending last year was not terrible.  We'll see how it plays out.  Right now she is thinking about skipping my class once a week so she'll mentally have one day with nothing scheduled.  I'm not thrilled about that but in terms of conflict-fatigue with my teenager, this is not something I'm up for making an issue about.

Chana was ambivalent about not taking TSBP again.  She really liked the teacher.  She really liked the subject (and that is exciting to me, since one of my goals for Chana was that she should gain an appreciation of torah sheba'al peh).  She enjoyed the chevrusa part and expressed that she will really miss that.  But ultimately, she decided against it because she found it pretty excruciating that after the first 10 minutes of presenting the material (which she found highly interesting and stimulating), a great deal of class time was used explaining material she already understood.

I hear that is a problem that homeschooled students encounter.  They are "selfish" in their learning in the sense that they haven't really learned to adjust the pace to group learning or to other people.

I am a little disappointed that Chana won't have TSBP this year, but I'm hopeful she'll take it next year (even though the "ONE YEAR AT A TIME" mantra of the homeschooler echoes resoundingly in my ears).

This summer we were in the middle of the Rambam's introduction to the Talmud (which she wasn't crazy about) and we finished Shmuel I.  I hope she'll be inclined to continue learning Shmuel II with me.  We also were going through some of the bein adam l'chavero mitzvos from the TSBP booklets I have from high school.  It turned out I need to prepare beforehand and Chana was finding those a bit boring.

And now the next post about Chana's 10th grade secular studies:

on anxiety and worry

Last night was the first night in 3 days, since pulling Chana out of Chumash, that I didn't wake up in the early morning hours full of worry.

For three days after letting Chana stop Chumash, I worried if I had made the right decision.  Yes, Chana is happier and more relaxed.  But no matter what I learn at home with her, we are not spending an hour a day, 5 days a week, on Chumash.  I really liked what she was learning in that class.  She was experiencing group dynamics and group discussion.  She was socializing daily.  Will she be able to make friendships now that she's only there a couple of times a week?  Now that she's no longer eating lunch with the girls?

My worries are an amalgam of anxiety over skills, content, and socialization.  What if this was good?  What if, even though she was finding it stressful, she would have made some good friendships?  It takes her a while to warm up.  What if she doesn't make those friendships now?

What if she doesn't love Torah?  What if she doesn't want to partake of Jewish community and social life?  (I don't know if I've written about this yet, but at some point I would like to do a post or a series about introvert homeschoolers.  I often feel like I'm navigating very much in the dark about this issue, and guidance is contradictory.)

A wise friend of mine reminded me that getting attached to a specific class is really my anxiety of wanting to produce a certain product: a "good Jewish child" or, more accurately, a "good Jewish adult that was brought up 'right.'"  In reality, each human being has bechira and we cannot control the outcome.

Chana has definitely given me the information that she was deeply unhappy with the situation as it was, and she is definitely happier now.  She agreed to up her game in terms of learning limudei kodesh with me, and now the ball is in my court to find the time and energy in my busy schedule to learn with her.  We started learning Perek 11 in Yishaya yesterday (I thought that best exemplified the times of Moshiach portrayed in Nach) and I started feeling more relaxed about the content/skills part.

I'm not sure if Chana would have gotten close to any of the girls in high school.  I'm not sure if being there every day when she didn't have any days off would have made her less receptive, and maybe being there less will make her more receptive.  I really have no way to tell what might have been and time will tell what will be.  I have been davening a lot the last few days to help me cope with my worry and to remember that I do my best and make the best decisions I can, and that the outcome is not in human hands.

high school chumash and other high school subjects

Chana has been expressing discontent with going to school for a while.  She doesn't like sitting in class for an hour, she finds a lot of it boring, she doesn't like the kids.

This is not exactly how I've been experiencing it.  The girls seem very nice and eager to be friendly to her.  When I've helped her study, I've been very happy with the material she has been learning.  She has spoken about topics that were discussed in class, and I love that she was thinking more deeply about those issues.  There were a lot of things that I don't think we would have done together if we were learning ourselves.  And of course there is no "class discussion" when it is just us.

However, she has been complaining about going in every day and saying that she doesn't want to go.  This has been a source of tension between us, and a source of great pain to her.  It was getting to the point where she was crying when I dropped her off nearly every day.

I was in a lot of conflict.  I am in a lot of conflict.  I still feel like she needs socialization (ha! The dreaded "s" word!  And I'm a homeschooler speaking such!) and that she needs more time to get used to the girls and to hopefully find someone she can become closer with.  On the other hand, it certainly occurs that people go through high school without making close friends or really feeling like they belong with those people.

I went to speak to the principal, and as she has been all along, she blew me away with her kindness and flexibility.  She offered that Chana can try other classes, can switch around classes, can try classes in other grades if we think that will work.

When I told Chana she can stop going, she was so grateful that she agreed to do all my favorite Rambans with me, since I can't rely on school any more for her skills work.  So I have to compile a list of those to go through.  I'm beginning to have that giddy feeling of so many possibilities (Abarbanel, Nechama Leibowitz), which I always feel when I embark on a new homeschool adventure.  This usually being way out of touch with reality.  I remember drawing up a whole schedule for the first year I was doing two grades, 6th and 1st, for Sarah and Chana.  Our schedule ended up being nothing like that.  I had to drop a lot of things that I wanted to do (most memorably Mishna) and really prioritize.

When I asked Chana if she could pick any class in high school, what would she want, she asked for a math class.  She has not been delighted with my math teaching.  (Nor was Sarah before her.)  Since I really want her to experience Judaic studies in high school, I decided to purchase Teaching Textbooks.  Chana originally said that we could finish up geometry and get it for Algebra II.  But I am struggling a bit with geometry and this is made for homeschoolers and is specifically designed to talk straight to the student and leave the mom out of it.  Sounds perfect (though I do love learning Math with her and sharing my joy in it, I am really not a clear teacher and she's suffering for it).  It was pricey at almost $200, but that is a lot cheaper than a tutor and I hope she likes it.  I was considering buying a version off ebay for $75, but I wasn't sure if it was the version that grades itself.  I consulted with Ari and he voted for the new version.
Chana will have to do it every day and be in charge of herself.  I assume if she likes it and it is interesting, she'll do it.

Up until now, Chana was point blank refusing to take any classes in the high school next year.  But now that she is dropping one class (she is continuing with Torah she'baal Peh), she is so much more relaxed and cheerful.  She will look at the schedule come June and choose a class to go to.

So I'm feeling pretty sad that she dropped Chumash and sorry that she won't be learning all the things she was learning that I thought was good for her.  I'm concerned that she won't have the opportunities to make friendships and relationships with the girls in her grade.

On the up side, Chana is hugely more relaxed and happy.

On another note, Chana and my study of Eisav has been going nicely.  I'm not doing heavy mefarshim and often we are left with more questions than answers and she doesn't like the answers I give to the questions we ask, but it's fun and that's what is important.

Questions:
Why is Eisav called Edom just because he wanted red soup?
(We talked about how it showed a character trait to trade everything for soup and how he didn't even call it soup, but "that red stuff" but she wasn't convinced.)
What did he mean when he sold it because he is dying?
(We talked about that he took risks and figured he'd die before his father [unconvincing] or that he felt what is the point anyway, since he's dying.)
Why did Rivka's argument "the curse will be on me" if Yaakov got caught convince Yaakov?  Yaakov was still responsible because he agreed to it.  And if Yaakov gets fired from a job, his mom saying, "It was my idea" isn't going to convince the boss not to fire him.

Chana's first textbook

Chana and I are finally getting into a schedule here.  Most days we work for about an hour.  We do Chumash, Science, and Literature.  Chemistry didn't work out, and we haven't found a book we liked, so we decided to start Biology.  I asked my friend what bio textbook they use in SAR where she works, and she told me Campbell Biology.  I figured why not get the AP book, since I took it all those years ago.  I didn't know if Chana would have the conceptual ability to understand it, but I decided to try it out.  The current book is the 10th edition, but since the 9th edition was from 2011 and the current edition was from 2014, I figured we were safe as far as biological knowledge, and it was absurdly a fraction of the cost.

It's going to take us a while to get through, but it's fascinating and we are enjoying it.  Chana mentioned again today how much she absolutely loved Chemistry, which is one of the reasons I was so hesitant to push forth when all the books we found were boring us.  I'm also excited that she grasps basic chemistry because I think it will give biology a broader perspective.

When we opened up the Bio book, Chana said to me, "Is this my very first textbook?"  And I do believe it is.  Math was via the internet, and Chemistry was from a couple of books but not a textbook.  It was exciting and we took a moment to give it due ceremony.

The Importance of Being Earnest continues to crack us up.  High School homeschool learning is as fun and exciting as I always thought it would be.

We are still in the middle of Devarim.  Chana is not gaining the skills I would like to see gained in High School.  She is reluctant to put the time into studying and I am reluctant to push her.  We have stopped all Rashis inside.  On the occasions when I think a Rashi is warranted, I read it to her and translate it, and we don't go over it again.

When Devarim is finished, I have ambitions.  I have found in my homeschooling career that my ambitions and my children's plans invariably conflict, and that pushing my agendas onto my children leads to unhappiness.

However, I would like to achieve one of the following (I'm an experienced enough homeschooler to know that I cannot have them all):

1) Let Chana choose an area, any area in Tanach, to learn on a deeper level, and really analyze the questions and the overall area.

2) Work on reading and understanding mefarshim deeply.  Perhaps Ramban or Abarbanel or Ralbag.  Perhaps in the course of analyzing an area of Tanach deeply.  Maybe Nechama Leibowitz.

3) Improve skills in a serious way.

In my experience with Chana, working on improving skills in a serious way ends up impeding learning on a deeper level.  I know it doesn't have to be that way.  But in actuality, what ends up happening is that we have to review it over and over to improve skills, and that is a different activity than conceptually analyzing the material.  Perhaps we'll be able to focus on each of these at different times.

I also have grand plans to go through my Torah Sheba'al Peh sourcebooks from high school.  Again, to gain skills would mean review, as opposed to gaining the information, which can be gained from just running through the material.  I'm hoping to do one sourcebook around March time.  We'll see how long that takes and how thoroughly we end up doing it.  I also would like to start geometry, but Chana is still mentally worn out from studying for the algebra regents and doesn't want any math right now.

overall attitude vs skills

Chana frequently complains about Chumash and not liking Chumash and Rashi.  At the moment, she's acquired enough skills where it's not so difficult and she doesn't complain too much.

She is in 7th grade.
Every day she:
- reviews one aliyah of the parsha she is in the middle of
- does 4-10 new pesukim (depending on how complex they are)
- reviews all the rashis we've done in the parsha
- does zero to 4 new rashis (depending on which rashis I've chosen on the new material, if any)

So now we are in a good phase.  But we had many hours of fighting and whining and complaining, as you will see in the early years of this blog.

Overall, I don't know how much she enjoys learning Chumash.  She's often said she dislikes it.

On the other hand, we've done Navi only very sporadically over the years.

Chana has a wonderful attitude about Navi and great associations with learning it.   She frequently speaks about it with enjoyment and happiness.  But she hasn't spent much time learning it.

In terms of unschooling, I think the theory is that eventually she would get to a point where she would be interested in it herself, and then she would pursue it (or I would help her learn it), and she would learn it quickly and efficiently and with great motivation.

However, I have "discharged" my obligation to teach her skills with Chumash.  If I did Chumash the way we did Navi, she wouldn't have these skills at this age.  Is this age necessary?  She's only 12.  The unschoolers I've spoken to said that they didn't really pursue serious Torah education until leading up to and after their bar/bas mitzvas.  So it's a bit of a scary risk having your children reach almost "grown up" and not having "taught" them.  

Also, I'm not sure that "enjoyment" and "positive attitude" trump "perseverance" and "putting in consistent effort."  (Though perhaps I can argue that I didn't teach perseverance and consistent effort, I just forced it and she will resist and and stop doing it when she is permitted.  As opposed to inherent motivation, which will keep a person learning.)  (And I can respond to that that if a child is forced to persevere and put in effort, and then they gain skills, they feel good about their accomplishments and learn that's what works.)

I do think perseverance and effort are valuable things.  I know a lot of unschoolers are concerned that their children will not gain these skills (which I addressed here and here and here, for example).

I choose to unschool not because I think that enjoyment is more important than learning to put in effort.  Unschooling as an educational approach resonates with me.

Chana's attitude towards Navi as compared to her attitude towards Chumash gives me something to think about.  Chana's Chumash skills compared to how much time she has put into learning Navi is also something to think about.  At 12, though, the unschooling journey is really just at the beginning.  Chana herself is preparing to go to high school.  The boys are right now completely 100% unschooled.  It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

my thoughts are not his thoughts

We've been on vacation this week.  A few times Elazar asked about his Chumash and was disappointed that we forgot it.  And a couple of times Chana told me her stomach hurt when she thought about doing Chumash.  Hey, isn't homeschooling supposed to prevent schoolitis stomachaches?  Am I doing something wrong?  Maybe.  I guess we will see how Chumash goes and make a plan to change things around, if things aren't working.

Tonight Elazar ran to get his Chumash before bed.  We reviewed reading, trope, translation of the first 3 words of the first pasuk.  He still doesn't remember the nekudos or how to blend very well.  He does remember the words and what they mean.

It's odd to me to not go "in order."  First, he should learn how to read using the aleph bina.  Then he should do R' Winder books.  Then he should open the Chumash.  But who am I to tell a child, no, I will not teach him Chumash.  Chumash is what he wants and Chumash is what I will teach.

He was a bit impatient to move on past those 3 words.  I explained to him about "chazara," which he has heard Chana do.  He was actually pretty enthusiastic about the idea of reviewing so that he'll remember it.  Especially considering an article brought to my attention recently about how children who consider themselves "smart" are disinclined to work hard at things they aren't naturally good at.

So Chana tomorrow.  We'll see how it goes.

v'hagita bo yomam v'layla

Last night, Elazar came home from trapeze at 8:40 (40 minutes past his bedtime.  He can tell time, so he is very aware of when it is and is not his bedtime).  He caught sight of his chumash sitting around, and he said, "I forgot to learn Chumash today!"  So we pulled it open.  I started from the beginning again, since he's not fluent yet.  He is remembering some of it.

What we did broke down into a number of skills:

• letter identification
• letter sounds
• vowel sounds (nekudos)
• blending letter sounds with vowel sounds
• reading the word as a whole
• translation
• reading comprehension
• trope

When we got halfway through the word "elokim" (bereshis bara elokim), and he had read the aleph, blended with the chataf-segol, the lamed with the cholem, and the hey, he said, "elokeinu!" I said here it was elokim.  and that elokeinu is elokim shelanu.

al pi darko

Apparently, when we were out last night, Elazar brought the Chumash to Sarah and she did some with him.  And this morning, he brought it to me and we did some more.  He recognized nekudos, even though he didn't remember what sound each one makes, and I showed him.  I showed him the trope, and what sound it makes, and he liked that.  At first he said he did it already with Sarah, but I showed him details that he didn't know.  We did 3 words.

It feels a little weird to do things this way.  Usually, first the student already knows how to read.  Then the student learns prefixes and suffixes via the lashon hatorah workbooks.

But this reminds me of how I had to shift my ideas of how a student learns to read when Chana started to read.  She would read a book that was too difficult for her, and she would skip over all the words she found too difficult.  This was most words.  She would barely understand what she read.  Somehow, she still gathered enough that she enjoyed it.  Then she would read it again, this time with more words.  She read it over and over, each time skipping many words, but each time understanding more.  This goes against all of the classic ways of learning to read.  But she seemed to be progressing, and she enjoyed it this way.