not for the ADHD

It often happens when Chana and I sit down to chumash, that suddenly Jack and Aharon begin bouncing on us, jumping on us, sitting on our laps, pulling our hair, pinching, pulling, playing, needing something.  It's hard enough for Chana to work her way through difficult passages and Rashis, and having the little ones squirming on top of us, vying for attention, does not help!

That is one of those homeschool things.  I used to do Chumash only when the littlest one was napping.  Now, although Aharon still naps, he's old enough to play happily by himself during the day, so I don't rush to do it during naptime.  And to be fair, today it was Aharon, but just as frequently it is Jack, who is 3, who suddenly needs to be snuggled and talked to and played with.  Sometimes it is both of them.

Sometimes there is a LOT going on when we are trying to do Chumash.  What I usually do in those cases is take a little break (often with Chana), and we all wrestle around on the floor, roughhousing and giggling and giving them lots of attention.  And then they go off and we can go back to Chumash.  If we don't do that, we usually do Chumash with them hanging off of me (or her) and interrupting every few seconds.

multimedia and unschooling

I was thinking today about media.  I'm the unschooling type who allows unlimited TV, computer, ipod, ipad, video games, whatever.  (not in the bedrooms, but that's internet safety, not limiting time.)  Elazar's spent a good bunch of days on the computer, to the point where I've been thinking about bringing Ari's office computer down.  And I am morally opposed to a 5yo having a $500 piece of equipment for his personal use.

I was thinking guiltily (as I sometimes fall into) that if I only had the energy to clean up all his messes, to supervise painting and building and baking, he wouldn't be on the computer so much.  I hide the paint (I actually just ordered new, at his request, and I haven't told him it's here because then I have to supervise it and if I'm not in the mood, he gets into it anyway and the mess is rather large), I have removed many of the toys that get spilled every single day and not cleaned up (small legos, marble run, tinkertoys, and gears.  he still has large legos, wedgits, some other building toy, and lincoln logs, and blocks.  It's probably a good time to rotate them, right?  But then i either have to clean them or supervise cleaning them, numerous times a day).  I'm often shooing him out of the kitchen when he wants to make a concoction.

Don't get me wrong.  I spend plenty of time supervising art, plenty of time cleaning up and rotating toys, and plenty of time baking and baking and baking.  (I don't particularly enjoy baking, and I've baked more in the last year than I have in the last 15 years combined.)  But my guilt told me that if I would spend every minute doing what he wants (which would surely be at the expense of the other things that are priorities), he would choose more real-life interesting things than multimedia.

I have a couple of answers to that.  First of all, I take stock.  Am I truly falling down on my obligations as an educator?  Am I truly being a little too passive, too lazy, too hands-off?  If so, then I can give myself a little pep talk to climb back on being a present, active, involved parent.

But if it's not true, and I'm being reasonable, because I have allocated my time and energy as best as I presently can, then I remind myself that he is pursuing what is interesting to him because he is learning something.  I never would have imagined that the hours (and I mean HOURS) that Chana spent rewinding and scrutinizing facial expressions on TV shows would be the foundation of animation.

It turns out I went to the library, and when I came back half an hour later he was playing in a different room, with lots of physical activity and imagination.  So he really can be trusted to moderate himself and to choose a variety of activities that are good for his mind and his body.

And finally, when I thought about what he's been doing on the computer, I feel that I would like to give him the space to continue.  He's extremely interested in Paint, Word, and certain miniclip games that involve reasoning and problem solving.  He's been sounding out words and typing.  If I get out of his way and provide him with the tools and the space and be available as a resource, he will learn in the most efficient and pleasant way that he can.

math rashi

Even though I haven't been brave enough to unschool Chumash, I dropped math 2 years ago, when Chana began to seriously dislike fractions.  I slowly introduced them to her a year plus later, in a very relaxed way, when we didn't "need" to keep up with any curriculum, talking a lot about pizzas and how many slices they have, and moving on to addition and subtraction and reducing and multiplying and dividing and improper fractions.

It was nice that when we hit a rashi that had fractions (hashem remembers the sin for 4 generations and does chesed for thousands; rashi says hashem's punishment to chesed has a ratio of 1:500), Chana was receptive to reducing the fractions and showing how they are equivalent.

sfasenu (sfatenu) dalet

You know how some books progress in difficulty, and some books jump suddenly?  Sfasenu gimmel, Chana was doing on her own and I would glance over it afterwards to see how she did.  Once in a while, she didn't understand the instructions or she didn't know the words.

She's finished the 2nd story in Sfasenu dalet, and she needed her hand held.  She needs me to sit next to her while she reads it out loud.  Often, as she reads it out loud, she realizes she understands it.  But it just got harder.  She's understanding fewer and fewer sections.  When she doesn't understand what to do or understand the words of a section, she skips to the next one.  I'm seeing more and more blanks.

So ivrit went from "I'll say do it and then you do it on your own" to something that I'm going to have to carve time out to sit with her and do.  phooey.

how i feel some days

This has nothing to do with Chumash but does have to do with homeschooling.  Well, not even really homeschooling.  Just being home with the kids all day.  ("How do you do it?  Being home with your kids all day?")  Usually I love it.  Usually, it's like a nice relaxing long weekend, only all week long.  (With me as the janitor.)  Usually, we play and laugh and enjoy.

But some days....

I said to Ari, I can't stand my employers.  Nothing makes them happy.  They are irrational, scream at me frequently, nothing I can do satisfies them, and their demands are neverending, impossible to keep up with.. and even the things I do manage to do, I don't do how they want and they are not nice about how they tell me so.  Sometimes it even degenerates into them physically abusing me, pulling on me or trying to hit me while they are screaming at me.  And the whole time, there is more to be done and more that they are demanding.  Also, I have more than one employer that i'm responsible to, and their demands and needs overlap and are often more than one urgent at the same time.  I'm trying to meet one employer's needs and the other one or more begin shouting about how their demands are urgent.  It's a working environment with constant demands and screaming and little ability to accomplish the demands of the job.  No lunch break or coffee break.
 
I don't want a different job, but sometimes I would like a little vacation!  And remember, a "family trip" is NOT a vacation! :)

purim

I want to talk about Purim candy.  What does candy have to do with unschooling? 
Radical Unschooling involves

• free choice about what activities to pursue 
• unlimited media time (TV, computer, video games, etc.) 
• (these on the theory that ALL activities that children pursue are satisfying some desire to know something about the world)
• no bedtimes 
• and no junk food restrictions

All this is about having the confidence that children make generally wholesome, healthy choices when given the freedom to do so.  I began my parenting life as a restrictor.  I restricted junk food and I restricted TV.  This seemed logical to me.  Junk food is not healthy for the body.  Ergo, I should not allow my children to eat it.

Unfortunately, this didn't take into account psychology: the intense yearning that deprivation leads to, the overpowering desire that permeated their lives and didn't leave as much room for those wholesome foods and activities I was so desirous of them experiencing. 

I'm not saying this happens to all or most children.  Whenever I read something about TV watching or eating different things (gluten, sugar, food coloring, etc.), I look at my children and my experiences, and I make observations and weigh the situation with as many factors as I can take into account, and I make a decision.  I'm saying that I didn't like how my daughter was reacting to my restrictions in the way that I was doing it.

I read a book that my friend Channie recommended as I discussed here called Are you Hungry by Hirschmann and Zaphiropoulos.  It changed my parenting and my life to a much less stressful way of living.  I love the idea of people listening to their hunger and what they are hungry for in order to give them a balanced approach to eating and nutrition.  I tried it out and loved it.  (I think I even wrote a review on Amazon for this book, I am so enamored of it.)  I love the theory behind it and I love how it plays out in real life.  It does recommend not limiting and restricting food.

As a general rule, we don't have much junk food in the house.  I'm not much of a snacker and I don't buy candy unless one of the kids asks me to put it on the grocery list.  If they ask for it, we buy it and they can eat it whenever they want, however much they want.  If they finish it and ask for more next week, or ask for a larger quantity, we buy it and they have open access to it. 

On Purim it has always been my policy (even before I read this book) to let the children eat as much as they want.  Aside from the fabulous memories from my youth of eating ZERO healthy food the entire day of Purim, and only eating candy (we were restricted from junk food generally), I think less junk food gets eaten if the children have unlimited access.  I find, first of all, that they feel like they have unlimited junk, which is beneficial psychologically because it is the opposite of deprivation, and leads to an abundance mentality which leads to generosity and the ability to moderate or restrict themselves, instead of a scarcity mentality which encourages hoarding and binging because you don't know when your next opportunity (if ever) will come.  Secondly, they eat less.  They open more, but they don't eat it.  They open one, take a bite or two, open another.  I throw out so much candy that is tasted and discarded.  Usually, they eat a lot at first (of which they don't actually eat as much as open), and then the rest lasts for weeks and weeks because they are sick of it.

Since I read this book, I've noticed that although my children do eat somewhat more candy than they do the rest of the year (because there is just so much around), they aren't that interested in it.  It isn't incredibly exciting, it doesn't have that glittery, seductive pull, they are equally inclined to drop a candy and pick up a cucumber or a pepper, and I don't feel bad that they are eating so much candy.

When I first read the book, I was hesitant because I was brought up with the idea of candy and junk food being used as bribes or rewards or as treats to look forward to and anticipate.  I worried that I was cutting off a means of swaying my children's behavior (if you sit quietly and let me cut your hair you can have a lollipop; if you sit quietly in shul you can have candy; it's shabbos!  shabbos party!  candy!!) and cutting off a source of excitement and pleasure from their lives.  How many of your youthful happy memories have to do with anticipation of candy?

I did trade those things.  My kids are not especially bribe-able with candy or junk food.  And although they certainly enjoy candy, and are happy to eat it, their reaction is somewhat subdued compared to the excitement I would have liked them to associate with Torah or holidays. 

Overall, though, I delight in the value of moderation and self-monitoring and the ability to make intelligent decisions that unschooling encourages.

reframing

This morning my house was a disaster and we didn't even host seuda this year!  It took me 2.5 hrs to clean up.  This is not because cleanup of two and a half rooms takes that long.  It's because morning, even when we aren't planning to leave the house, is pretty "need" intense with the kids.  Breakfast, elimination, setting up for different activities.. until everyone gets settled in, it's lots of demands (and many mornings, lots of crying as I try to juggle everything).  Add to the mix that frequently I am in no mood to straighten up in the evenings, the house looks pretty wrecked until I get to clean it up.  This morning I also cajoled Jack into having his hair cut, which involved playing him running away and me chasing him around when it got too intense for him.

Anyway, as I picked up crumpled wrappers, large crumbs, and confetti, I was thinking, "my house is a disaster and we didn't even host seuda!"  It looked like we had partied hard here yesterday.  And I began to think.. What if, every morning, as I cleaned up the rather giant mess of the day before, I thought to myself about how we had partied hard yesterday?  What if I felt the satisfaction of cleaning up after a joyful, fun day?  What if i reframed our family mess as a party mess, every day?  Did we have fun? Yes.  Did we play hard?  Yes.  Was it awesome?  Yes!  Is there the next morning cleanup?  Yes.  But cleaning up while reflecting on what a great time we all had is a different vibe.