We are at a stage in chinuch where my teen does not daven. I wonder if this is something in my parenting because my first teen also stopped davening from age 14-21. (likely not, though.)
The question is what to do about shul. What to do about shul on the Yamim Noraim. On Rosh Hashana she came to shul for shofar on the first day. I told her to bring the book (by a neurologist who had experienced a stroke) and she sat next to me in shul, and I leaned over and pointed out interesting quotes as they struck me.
Both days were rainy and as we had not set up her sunlamp on a timer and as it is extremely painful for her to get out of bed so early, especially with no sunlamp, we agreed that she had gotten enough out of shul the first day and she slept through shul the second day. (We hold, by the way, a fairly unusual psak that women are not chayav in shofar because of מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא. I learned in high school that yes, women are officially patur, but have taken it upon ourselves, and we are chayav. But my Rav holds differently. Not that this would have necessarily made a difference in my decision to not push a teen. More on this as the blog goes on over the years, G-d willing, and I have a bunch of teens to raise and not push.)
I asked her what her Yom Kippur would look like if she wasn't taking me and my wants into consideration at all. She finds the lack of technology for so many days in a row very difficult. She doesn't like fasting. Doesn't find meaning in shul.
She said she'd like to stay home and read all day.
With a bit of coaxing, she agreed to come to shul at night. Ordinarily, I wouldn't go for the night. But she has always been a night owl and functions better at night. Shul will be less crowded and she will be more alert and in a better mood.
I also found someone who needs a bit of company on Yom Kippur day. So when she wakes up, she will visit with them, and do a bit of chessed and keep herself occupied in a pleasant manner.
Friday, September 14, 2018
Just muddling through
I met a psychologist this summer who said he was very interested in ADHD vs. neurotypical people. He said that ADHD kids absolutely cannot focus when they are not interested. Other people can focus even if it bores them, but ADHD kids cannot.
In my experience that is true; Elazar starts shredding things and wiggling and I imagine he would devolve into "misbehavior" but in our house we don't really have "misbehavior." We have "ways of communicating that are clear, straightforward, and understandable" and "other ways of communicating a need or issue."
Suffice it to say that after dragging through part of the leining for one day of Rosh Hashana, Elazar is wiped out and I haven't tried to learn with him again.
Jack, on the other hand, is quite a contrast. I can see that he is sometimes a bit bored but he is determined to get through the Chumash. This is very much a personality difference. I would say a brain difference, a neurological difference. Yesterday he got a bit bored reading about the different rivers coming out of Eden. So today I suggested we just do half of a page, since yesterday was emotionally boring. He agreed.
But then it was so exciting (with the snake, and the tree) that we ended up going through the whole page and part of the next one.
He asked why, if Hashem told them they would die when they ate from the tree, did they not die? I told him the Ramban's answer. But I said not everyone agrees and that's a great question, and he should ask Daddy.
I read him the Hebrew and then translate it (either into simple Hebrew if he'll understand it or even into English if he needs it, or most often a hodge-podge). I wonder if there is a benefit to reading it in Hebrew or if his mind just drifts and waits for the explanation part. And therefore I'm making it needlessly twice as long. I wish I had some expert to ask.
I'm just muddling through.
In my experience that is true; Elazar starts shredding things and wiggling and I imagine he would devolve into "misbehavior" but in our house we don't really have "misbehavior." We have "ways of communicating that are clear, straightforward, and understandable" and "other ways of communicating a need or issue."
Suffice it to say that after dragging through part of the leining for one day of Rosh Hashana, Elazar is wiped out and I haven't tried to learn with him again.
Jack, on the other hand, is quite a contrast. I can see that he is sometimes a bit bored but he is determined to get through the Chumash. This is very much a personality difference. I would say a brain difference, a neurological difference. Yesterday he got a bit bored reading about the different rivers coming out of Eden. So today I suggested we just do half of a page, since yesterday was emotionally boring. He agreed.
But then it was so exciting (with the snake, and the tree) that we ended up going through the whole page and part of the next one.
He asked why, if Hashem told them they would die when they ate from the tree, did they not die? I told him the Ramban's answer. But I said not everyone agrees and that's a great question, and he should ask Daddy.
I read him the Hebrew and then translate it (either into simple Hebrew if he'll understand it or even into English if he needs it, or most often a hodge-podge). I wonder if there is a benefit to reading it in Hebrew or if his mind just drifts and waits for the explanation part. And therefore I'm making it needlessly twice as long. I wish I had some expert to ask.
I'm just muddling through.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
the opposite of unschooling
Jack is learning because he wants to earn a phone. He spends a lot of time during the learning thinking about how many pages are left in the chumash and how long it will take him to earn it. He doesn't seem to especially enjoy learning. However, we have moments of questions or nuances that I love. I don't know if he loves it.
I thought Elazar and I had a really nice lesson yesterday. We did only 2 pesukim (they were long, though). Bereshis 21:16-17. Where Hagar went the distance of an arrow shot. I had Elazar stand and imagine himself with a bow and I kept walking further and further until he estimated how far the arrow would go.
But today he's still reluctant. He still has the memory of it being boring and hard to sit through.
I was going to try to go through 4 pesukim today. But that's too much. I'm going to go through 2 today and 2 tomorrow. And then it's already Shabbos, and Sunday is Erev Rosh Hashana and I'll be cooking. And so I will only get through revi'i of the first day of Rosh Hashana leining.
Yet again, I find that it's important to pare down my expectations when dealing with ADHD. To make it in small, manageable chunks. To make it as painless as possible.
I thought Elazar and I had a really nice lesson yesterday. We did only 2 pesukim (they were long, though). Bereshis 21:16-17. Where Hagar went the distance of an arrow shot. I had Elazar stand and imagine himself with a bow and I kept walking further and further until he estimated how far the arrow would go.
But today he's still reluctant. He still has the memory of it being boring and hard to sit through.
I was going to try to go through 4 pesukim today. But that's too much. I'm going to go through 2 today and 2 tomorrow. And then it's already Shabbos, and Sunday is Erev Rosh Hashana and I'll be cooking. And so I will only get through revi'i of the first day of Rosh Hashana leining.
Yet again, I find that it's important to pare down my expectations when dealing with ADHD. To make it in small, manageable chunks. To make it as painless as possible.
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
2nd day learning portion for RH reading day 1
I had to coax E to learn with me this morning, and promised it wouldn't be too long. We reviewed the facts from yesterday (Avraham had a son Yitzchak, his other son Yishmael was banished). He agreed to do 3 pesukim today. We did them quickly. He didn't love it. The whole time he was antsy to get away.
Hopefully it showed him that it wasn't too painful and he won't mind tomorrow.
This is actually a good example of how when the teacher creates a lesson that is not in line with the student's needs (yesterday), or even possibly outside of the student's capacity, the student can dread learning.
We'll see if the key is manageable chunks.
Hopefully it showed him that it wasn't too painful and he won't mind tomorrow.
This is actually a good example of how when the teacher creates a lesson that is not in line with the student's needs (yesterday), or even possibly outside of the student's capacity, the student can dread learning.
We'll see if the key is manageable chunks.
Monday, September 3, 2018
unschooling and letting go of expectations
Elazar asked if he can explore the storage room. I said sure.
He found the human body toy and they played with that.
He just told me he found lots of little legos.
I went down and saw he found the physics "simple machine" lego kits I bought over a decade ago that I never used.
I told them that there are instructions and it's physics. I'm in conflict--encourage them to use them in the way they were designed to be used? Or take a chill, pill, and let them enjoy it how they want?
Knowing Elazar, he'd rather scavenge the parts that look good to him to use for whatever project he's doing. But Jack likes following instructions.
Sure enough, Jack came down to play with the kit and Elazar came upstairs.
He found the human body toy and they played with that.
He just told me he found lots of little legos.
I went down and saw he found the physics "simple machine" lego kits I bought over a decade ago that I never used.
I told them that there are instructions and it's physics. I'm in conflict--encourage them to use them in the way they were designed to be used? Or take a chill, pill, and let them enjoy it how they want?
Knowing Elazar, he'd rather scavenge the parts that look good to him to use for whatever project he's doing. But Jack likes following instructions.
Sure enough, Jack came down to play with the kit and Elazar came upstairs.
limudei kodesh 6th grade
I thought it would be interesting for Elazar to go through a bit of the Torah portion for Rosh Hashana.
Let this be a lesson to you all. I tried to do too much.
Pretty much anything you can think of is too much for a kid with ADHD.
I had already trimmed down my expectations. Instead of all the themes of Rosh Hashana and the Shemona Esrei of Rosh Hashana, I figured we'll just do some of the Torah Reading.
I wanted to lein the pesukim to him since he's musically inclined, but since I'm not fluent, I knew my stumbling over it slowly would make him antsy, so I decided to read it swiftly.
I wanted to ask him to contribute to translation, but I knew that would make him antsy, so I decided to translate.
He got through the first aliyah (4 pesukim). We should have stopped there. I wanted to do 2 aliyot each day and cover both readings in a week. He didn't make it. He squirmed on my lap, falling off of it a few times and mostly lying perpendicular to me with his legs straight out. He lost track of what I was saying. He stopped listening.
I think my mistake was tying it too closely to the pesukim. He can handle looking at maybe one or two pesukim closely at a time without a break. I can either have him think closely about the text of the pasuk, or I can use the five minutes to engage him conceptually, and maybe have a conversation. I believe that conceptually and mentally he's ready now and sophisticated enough to think about certain ideas.
Maybe it's the wrong approach to tie it to the pesukim.
I've been thinking about teaching the akeida to him (2nd day Rosh Hashana leining). I feel like he'll find it interesting to think about.
On the other hand, I have been startled before with how unsettled my kids have been about the emotional implications of God telling a parent to kill his child. When they didn't learn the story in nursery school, it's a bit shocking. Sticking with the story of Hagar and the angel is probably a safer choice. We can discuss the akeida in the future.
So I will try again tomorrow. As much as it's difficult for him to sit, if I try to make the session shorter (shorter than 3 minutes, apparently) and make it a little more discussion oriented, I think he will feel good about being asked if he wants to learn. I am demonstrating that I think he's of an age where he is mature enough to sit for a few minutes and learn Torah.
And if he says he's not interested, no harm done.
Let this be a lesson to you all. I tried to do too much.
Pretty much anything you can think of is too much for a kid with ADHD.
I had already trimmed down my expectations. Instead of all the themes of Rosh Hashana and the Shemona Esrei of Rosh Hashana, I figured we'll just do some of the Torah Reading.
I wanted to lein the pesukim to him since he's musically inclined, but since I'm not fluent, I knew my stumbling over it slowly would make him antsy, so I decided to read it swiftly.
I wanted to ask him to contribute to translation, but I knew that would make him antsy, so I decided to translate.
He got through the first aliyah (4 pesukim). We should have stopped there. I wanted to do 2 aliyot each day and cover both readings in a week. He didn't make it. He squirmed on my lap, falling off of it a few times and mostly lying perpendicular to me with his legs straight out. He lost track of what I was saying. He stopped listening.
I think my mistake was tying it too closely to the pesukim. He can handle looking at maybe one or two pesukim closely at a time without a break. I can either have him think closely about the text of the pasuk, or I can use the five minutes to engage him conceptually, and maybe have a conversation. I believe that conceptually and mentally he's ready now and sophisticated enough to think about certain ideas.
Maybe it's the wrong approach to tie it to the pesukim.
I've been thinking about teaching the akeida to him (2nd day Rosh Hashana leining). I feel like he'll find it interesting to think about.
On the other hand, I have been startled before with how unsettled my kids have been about the emotional implications of God telling a parent to kill his child. When they didn't learn the story in nursery school, it's a bit shocking. Sticking with the story of Hagar and the angel is probably a safer choice. We can discuss the akeida in the future.
So I will try again tomorrow. As much as it's difficult for him to sit, if I try to make the session shorter (shorter than 3 minutes, apparently) and make it a little more discussion oriented, I think he will feel good about being asked if he wants to learn. I am demonstrating that I think he's of an age where he is mature enough to sit for a few minutes and learn Torah.
And if he says he's not interested, no harm done.
limudei kodesh 4th grade & Hippocratic Parenting
My 4th grader really wants a phone. It's my policy that my kids earn their electronics. This is against radical unschooling policy, which promotes abundance mentality. I'm reminded of advice that my mom gave me about 17 years ago, when I had no idea what to do with my infant: "Jessie, it doesn't really matter much either way. Just make a decision and go with it."
There are a lot of bad decisions I can make as a parent. Sometimes it takes all of my energy to be what I call a Hippocratic Parent*: a parent that First, Does No Harm. To simply be kind, to not be aggressive or furious or tense or impose my emotional issues on them.
______
*which is different than a hypocritical parent, which is what I always associate to :-P
But a while back I read an interesting study that moderate parents who incline more towards permissiveness or more towards strictness don't actually make a difference in long term outcomes. So the choice of raising children with an abundance mentality which inclines them to generosity, vs. the choice of raising children to earn what they get, which inclines them towards appreciation and responsibility, is really just a matter of preference. (Radical unschoolers disagree, and I respect that.)
I'm not an unschooler purist because I do want my children to learn Torah and appreciate Torah.
And although I can appreciate that radical unschooling has a different attitude towards money and gifts and earning privileges than I do, and it makes a lot of sense, there are things that I like about having kids earning their tablets and phones and laptops.
So Jack wants a phone. Both girls earned their phones when they finished Chamisha Chumshei Torah. I have told Jack for years that when he finishes Chumash, he can have a phone.
The issue is, he doesn't read Hebrew very well. We haven't done L'shon HaTorah workbooks. So having him read and translate isn't really an option.
But last week, late at night, he asked me to start learning with him. So yesterday we did. I read the first page of the Stone Chumash in Hebrew and translated (mostly Biblical Hebrew to Modern Hebrew, with a few English words thrown in like "hover" for "merachefes"). We asked a lot of questions, like What is Tohu Va'vohu? How does one divide between light and dark? What does it mean that the spirit of Elokim was hovering over the deep? What deep?
I told him that these questions are like riddles and as he gets older, learning Torah is looking for answers to these riddles. Right now we are doing a first reading.
I forgot how much fun it is to introduce someone to the joy of learning.
I don't know if he'll keep up with this or not. I think it probably makes more sense to not push and to let him do it when he wants. I go back to all throughout High School, I tried doing Bio with Chen. And we did have quite a few enjoyable Bio learning sessions, even though we never quite learned it as thoroughly as I wished. But now she wants to take Neuroscience and Bio is the prereq, and I found her an online college level Bio course and she's learning it herself.
So I don't know how this will play out. Unschooling continually surprises me and never looks like I thought it would.
There are a lot of bad decisions I can make as a parent. Sometimes it takes all of my energy to be what I call a Hippocratic Parent*: a parent that First, Does No Harm. To simply be kind, to not be aggressive or furious or tense or impose my emotional issues on them.
______
*which is different than a hypocritical parent, which is what I always associate to :-P
But a while back I read an interesting study that moderate parents who incline more towards permissiveness or more towards strictness don't actually make a difference in long term outcomes. So the choice of raising children with an abundance mentality which inclines them to generosity, vs. the choice of raising children to earn what they get, which inclines them towards appreciation and responsibility, is really just a matter of preference. (Radical unschoolers disagree, and I respect that.)
I'm not an unschooler purist because I do want my children to learn Torah and appreciate Torah.
And although I can appreciate that radical unschooling has a different attitude towards money and gifts and earning privileges than I do, and it makes a lot of sense, there are things that I like about having kids earning their tablets and phones and laptops.
So Jack wants a phone. Both girls earned their phones when they finished Chamisha Chumshei Torah. I have told Jack for years that when he finishes Chumash, he can have a phone.
The issue is, he doesn't read Hebrew very well. We haven't done L'shon HaTorah workbooks. So having him read and translate isn't really an option.
But last week, late at night, he asked me to start learning with him. So yesterday we did. I read the first page of the Stone Chumash in Hebrew and translated (mostly Biblical Hebrew to Modern Hebrew, with a few English words thrown in like "hover" for "merachefes"). We asked a lot of questions, like What is Tohu Va'vohu? How does one divide between light and dark? What does it mean that the spirit of Elokim was hovering over the deep? What deep?
I told him that these questions are like riddles and as he gets older, learning Torah is looking for answers to these riddles. Right now we are doing a first reading.
I forgot how much fun it is to introduce someone to the joy of learning.
I don't know if he'll keep up with this or not. I think it probably makes more sense to not push and to let him do it when he wants. I go back to all throughout High School, I tried doing Bio with Chen. And we did have quite a few enjoyable Bio learning sessions, even though we never quite learned it as thoroughly as I wished. But now she wants to take Neuroscience and Bio is the prereq, and I found her an online college level Bio course and she's learning it herself.
So I don't know how this will play out. Unschooling continually surprises me and never looks like I thought it would.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
