Best Use of My Time

I have to remember that conflict resolution is one of the most important things to me as a parent and homeschooler.  

Way back when my oldest was homeschooling, and I was trying to figure out how to manage my time and make decisions about what to teach, I did a "begin with the end in mind" approach where I thought about what things I wanted my adult children to have.  And then planned their education with that in mind.  

To recap, it was 4 things:

1. Basic reading, written communication, and math (I've since dropped math--they seem to figure out the basics of a calculator pretty easily)
2. A sufficient sense of responsibility that allows a person to hold down a job; i.e. show up on time and do your work diligently.
3. The capacity for satisfying and emotionally healthy relationships with a spouse, children, and friends.
4. A non-superstitious relationship to Judaism and Torah (I've since changed it to a love for Torah AND mitzvos, after some missteps in parenting during the teen years)

I've mentioned that physical fighting has gone down and we are seeing a lot of verbal disagreements with raised voices.  One of the things I've always loved about homeschooling is that there is time to slow down and handle these issues.  And what I love about unschooling is it seems like that IS the job.

So now I'm reminding myself not to get swept away by my own projects and the minutiae of running a fair-sized household and not to forget that when I hear the voices raised, I have nothing better to do than to go over to them or call them over to me, help them talk through the conflict, and learn and practice the tools to resolve it.

You Cant Always Get What You Wa-ant

Today we went to the Bronx Zoo.  Another homeschooler had a birthday party there, and the boys agreed to go.

"Let's get going!" I called.  "Put on shoes."

All of them put on shoes. 

"It's very hot out.  Elazar, change out of your sweater.  Jack, leave your sweatshirt at home."

Then I rushed around grabbing some food and put on some sunscreen.  "Anyone want sunscreen?"

"No," Aharon called.

We got to the zoo and it was hot.  Jack tried to hand me his sweatshirt.

"Nope, I'm not carrying it.  I told you not to bring it."

"So I have to carry it?" he said.  I offered him the bag of food and he put it in there.  He soon began crying about how awful it was to carry his sweatshirt. 

A minute later, the water bottle had spilled all over the bag and it was full of water.  At that point, I had not taken a map and was already lost.  Note to self.  I have a horrible sense of direction.  Get the darn map.  Luckily, the water did not get on his sweatshirt.

We went to the birthday party, which was nice, and pet a peacock, which was cool.  They didn't want to see any animals.  (I had in mind that I had zero educational goals for this trip, so that I wouldn't get frustrated when that happened.)

Then I got lost getting out.  Then I got lost again.  Then Aharon started crying and saying he can't breathe.  Then we saw flamingos and Aharon said he didn't want to rest after all.  Elazar was sweltering; it turns out he didn't hear me tell him to change out of his sweater.  He started complaining that this was a terrible trip.  Yes, he mused, perhaps even worse than the whalewatching one (where he vomited the entire time).  When we got to the car, it was so hot, he started crying.

I turned on the AC and everything calmed down.  Then Aharon and Jack began fighting, physically.  Pinching, screaming, kicking.  A croc soared into the front seat.  We were in traffic.

Right at that time, the Rolling Stone's You Can't Always Get What You Want started playing, like the perfect soundtrack to my life.  I turned it up. 

So in summation, our first field trip in a veerrrrrrrrrrry long time was excellent insofar as getting them from one place to another.  They all follow alertly, I don't have to keep track of them, they walk themselves, they don't complain about walking (except Aharon, but he's edging out of that age, too). 
However, there is still crying.  Lots of crying.  And fighting.  I still came home thinking perhaps it was not worth it. 

But it's definitely improving. 

Chen wants to go to the museum of Natural History next week.  I had been looking forward to taking the boys to see it.  But it will be optional, as they all loudly proclaimed: they are NOT going on any more trips unless they choose to.  We are supposed to go 20 minutes to roast marshmallows tomorrow and they are not sure they want to go. 

So we'll see who joins me and Chen next week.

Postscript to Unschooling: Putting my money where my mouth is

I meant to include this in the unschooling post.  I often feel somewhat bad that I don't read to my boys very much.  Reading To Your Children and Family Dinners are two areas where I don't get to nod satisfyingly as I read all the articles touting them since I'm Doing The Right Thing.

We've gotten into a terrible habit at bedtime which is that the boys like to watch TV before bed.  The reason this is terrible is because time before bed is a great time for intimate conversation, feelings that we've been avoiding all day coming up, answering questions about how things work and life philosophy, and reconnecting.  All of which is neatly avoided by watching Rabbids Invasion or Bloons TD fighting M.O.A.Bs.
The reason this habit came about is because I was thoroughly overwhelmed at bedtime for many years, was out of patience and energy, and was negotiating with my husband to the point where we would play chicken as to who would fold first and not be able to stand it and put the kids to bed (which often missed the window and headed into overtired) and eventually evolved into an extremely rigid schedule based on our evening activities, and eventually morphed away from that as the kids' bedtimes shifted around.

The point being that sometimes I have the energy to follow through on all the things that I feel are "important for their development" and sometimes I feel like I'm negotiating with myself for sanity and I have to make extreme choices about what to drop (read Greg McKeown's book Essentialism for more about that).  And philosophically I shift between "this is a pleasant life" and "relax, everything is fine" and "you need to be on top of those things."  It's a continuum and I feel different degrees of joy, comfort, and anxiety at different times.

So on Friday night I decided, Hey, won't it be nice if I read them a book?  That will stop the maniacal fighting and boundless energy and we can read! And it will be wonderful!

I went and got Caddie Woodlawn, which I adored as a child.  And The Secret Garden.  Elazar, age 9, adhd, was willing to listen.  Jack, age 6, and Aharon, age 5, were a disaster.  They were fighting and giggling in that "we want attention and won't let you read" way.  So I ended up giving warnings and then disciplining and this is pretty much exactly what I don't like to do.  I think I realize now why I avoid this.

I did stop the Secret Garden and switch to Pippi Longstocking.  Aharon was not allowed to sit on near us, so of course he desperately wanted to, and tried to sneak quietly next to us, which was okay with me but not okay with my law-abiding 6yo... But Pippi was a better choice.  Ironically, our lives are a bit closer to Pippi's because we are unschoolers.  Elazar was riveted.

So I have one kid that will love reading.  And one kid that might be able to tolerate it, but the third is wreaking havoc in reading time.  How do parents get their little ones to sit during reading?  I feel sure I've heard of this phenomenon.

I asked Elazar last night if he wanted me to read more to him, and he did.  He fell over laughing when the children asked Pippi who tells her to go to bed and said she tells herself once nicely, and if she doesn't listen, she tells herself much more strictly, and if she still doesn't listen, she's in for a spanking.

jumble of thoughts

• Chana's math hit the point where I can't speak Hebrew anymore.  I would do a combo of Hebrew with a lot of English thrown in.  But it got too complex and we're just straight English basically.
• We have been bickering like mad over algebra.  I'm super proud of how we keep our tone (fairly) calm and keep de-escalating.  But tensions are high and emotions are high.  Tonight I realized that she says she doesn't understand, I ask her what she doesn't understand, I go back and slow down and try to explain it (with a slight edge of "you should know this" even though that's a lie because I didn't explain it, which is very damaging to do to students!) and when she finally understands, she reproaches me for not having explained it to begin with.  I started telling her that's what I think is happening, and then she said, no, I don't understand, and we started the whole little dance again.  We now have what we've been jokingly referring to as "the aftermath" where we have to recoup and stop disliking each other.
  
• I don't think Elazar is really getting the translations of Shema.  There are a lot of elements involved.  1. Understanding the general concepts of the paragraph  2. Understanding how those are related to the Hebrew words he is reciting. 3. Trope.  4. Familiarity with the translation.
  I could recite it over and over with them until he becomes familiar with it, but it seems to me that it's just as efficient to wait until he's older and more conceptual.
  
• I was talking to a fellow homeschooler who told me about the marvelous unit study she did with her children and Percy Jackson and Greek culture and how much they appreciated what it meant for the Jews to fight against a conquering enemy.  She explained how Chanuka was so meaningful for them.  It was so beautiful and inspiring and I loved hearing how a fellow Jewish homeschooler is passing on the mesorah of our Torah and the deep concepts in our traditions.  It also made me realize how I've almost completely forgotten what it's like to be inspired to create lesson plans.  I felt a little sad by that.  Also very grateful that I know about unschooling and thus still have a way of educating my children that I believe in when I am in a place where I am uninspired to coax education.  But it reminded me of my excitement from thirteen years ago and I am just in a different place, educationally and emotionally.
    
• I'm not in the dregs of infant and toddler parenting anymore.  My youngest is 3yo and although I still have a hard time leaving the house and managing "appropriate" public behavior if there are places where movement is restricted, the day to day drudgery in my house has majorly eased up.  The constant mess and constant crying and constant feeding and carrying have eased up.
  Despite this, most days I feel like I can stay calm and loving and guide my children's emotional development OR I can do academics.  
  Tonight I started Chana's work after 7pm.  I cleaned up but didn't vacuum.  I have a major house project that I didn't get to.  I did straighten up.  I did navigate a half hour tantrum with sangfroid.  I did take everyone out today.  I didn't put my 5yo to bed and it's 9:45pm (he sleeps late, though).
    
• Elazar is making tremendous strides with reading and writing even though I am not teaching him anything.  It's really cool.  I'm waiting until he actually reads fluently (this could take another two to four years) and then I'll detail the process.  
• Aharon knows "shin/sin" even though nobody quite taught it to him.  

Sibling Rivalry II

In addition to the techniques discussed here, there is a theory underlying many of my reactions to sibling rivalry:

I assume that a great deal of sibling rivalry is due to fighting for love of the parent.

It seems to me that children often fight with each other or resent each other because they are under the impression (and there is some truth to it) that a parent's time and attention are limited, and they are competing for their share.  Although parent love does certainly stretch (I grew up the oldest of six with this on our fridge:)

the fact is, caregivers do have limited emotional and physical resources.

There is a psychological principle that humans behave differently in an abundance mentality than in a scarcity mentality.

In an abundance mentality, there is always enough resource to go around.  People tend to be generous when there is abundance, because giving doesn't take away from their needs.  A child will share candy when there is plenty of candy.  A child will share a ball when there are plenty of balls.  I will generously let everyone eat my cereal when I know I can easily get more cereal.  There is no danger/pain/stress/negative consequence associated with giving, because there is always more.

In a scarcity mentality, there is fear, tension, and aggressive competition.  People must hoard their resources because they don't know when they will get it next, they don't know if they will have enough for themselves, and they don't know if they might have to steal from someone else in order to get their needs met, or if they might have to defend what they have against others trying to take the precious limited resource away from them.  This makes them extremely miserly about what they have and very unwilling to share.  Instead of being friendly and generous, they view others with suspicion, as competition, and as a threat.

With siblings, I always strive to create an abundance mentality.  I want to make it as easy as possible to "share" Mommy, since there is a sense that there will always be "enough Mommy."  As this is a homeschooling blog, I will note as an aside that homeschooling can make this easier, since I am home with the children for many, many hours.  People often ask, "How can you be home with your children all day?"  I find that since I have hours with them, there is a lot of opportunity to nurture the parent child relationship and to be available for the children. (This doesn't mean I don't experience burnout or that I don't sometimes feel like a wrung out dishrag by the end of the day.)  This is a conscious and underlying goal that I have as I am with my children.

In addition to being aware of the abundance and scarcity mentality and the ramifications, I have a few practical tips.

if seeing aggression, remove and give attention/love

I mentioned before how I move the child away and how I usually scoop them into roughhousing play.  But now I want to add that although it may seem counter-intuitive, instead of having an emotional response of "this child is 'bad' or 'misbehaving' or 'aggressive' or 'annoying'" or whatever negative association, maybe you can think of it as "this child is showing a need for love and attention."  Try to make loving eye contact.  Snuggle.  Roll around on the floor.  Pretend to be growling monsters.  I can't tell you how often I grab a child and pretend to growl and battle because I am trying to give them a positive outlet for the aggressive energy (and if I'm annoyed, too, it gives me a positive way to "be mad" by playing and "pretending" to be mad), and the game evolves into Mommy and Baby monster and involves a lot of cuddling and cooing and stroking and snuffling.  

Play "Mommy and Baby" with young children

A very popular game with my 5 and 3 year olds is me wearing a giant T-shirt and them climbing under it to make a pregnancy tummy, and me giving birth and then cuddling and nursing them (I give them my finger to suck on).  I speak to them in baby talk and I gaze at them like I gazed at my adored babies.  

special time
Here are articles explaining Special Time.  I have a lot of trouble with this and usually only manage to do it (if I manage to do it at all) with the child who is in the most difficult phase at the moment.  But the experts say it works and I'll add that it is extremely effective.  It also is onerous for an overwhelmed Mama to add to the list.  But the payoff is enormous.

when you are playing with one child and another comes over
I have two different approaches, depending on which child is needier.  Both use the abundance mentality.

• I always try to welcome the newcomer as if there is infinite love and room on my lap and room for them to join

OR

• I take turns.  If the one I'm playing with will resent the intrusion of the newcomer, I put up firm boundaries. "It's not your turn, now.  It's his turn." (I can see the one in my lap preen with happiness when I do that.) "In 5 (or 10 to 20) minutes it will be your turn." And then I enforce that.
  Ideally, the one in my lap will naturally have enough time and leave of his own accord, at which point I will go and find the next one and tell him it is his turn.  If the newcomer is hovering, then I switch turns, 5 minutes and 5 minutes.  With each switch, I try to convey that there is "enough Mommy."  You have your turn and you will get your turn.  You will get enough time.

sibling rivalry I

In Pirkei Avos 5:21 it says "ben chamishim l'eitza," age 50 is the time to dispense advice.  I've noticed that in any given scenario with a suggested action, there is a scenario which is almost exactly the same except that the ideal thing to do is the exact opposite of the suggested action.  So although I have found certain things useful and I share them in the hopes they might be useful to you, bear in mind that they might actually not work at all in your case or be the opposite of what would be ideal for your situation.

My daughters are 5.5 years apart.  There wasn't much conflict.  I dutifully read Siblings Without Rivalry before Chana was born.  It wasn't such an issue, though I'm sure I integrated the advice and that helped.  Likewise, there are 6 years between Chana and Elazar.  (Ironically, Chana played with Elazar more than Sarah ever played with Chana.)  Then we were blessed rapidly with two more boys.  Now we had three boys in row.  Age differences: 2.5 years, and 17 months.  I knew I had to get on top of my game regarding sibling rivalry because no longer was it going to be "I'm leaving the baby on the floor next to the computer while you play and going to take a shower."

This is looking like it's going to be a two part post.  First I'll discuss techniques that I've been using, and then the next post will be the main thing I've been thinking about recently.

tandem nursing
This is not usually practical or relevant to a lot of people, but I mention it because when I was about to give birth and my toddler was still nursing, I read up on it and saw mentioned, over and over, how it affected the sibling relationship positively, how close the children were from it.  And since I, too, have noticed this, and I do think tandem nursing affected my first two boys' relationship positively, I bring it up now.  My middle boy weaned himself while I was pregnant, and I am sure that had he had the experience of breastfeeding while holding the hand of his little brother and gazing into his eyes, it would have cut down on his aggression.  Unfortunately it was not an option.

hovering, blocking, teaching "gentle"
These are the tried and true techniques of teaching a toddler to handle his infant sibling.  Hover over the toddler whenever he comes near the baby; do not assume he will not hit or be rough.  Be on standby to block any hits, pinches, squishing, etc.  Take his hand and have him stroke the baby and make "nice."  I think a lot of irritation and agitation can be cut out with proper vigilance, supervision, and prevention-- which is practically difficult and exhausting to do.  But when I make it a priority I don't regret it.  It's not fair to the older one to get angry at him for being unable to control his aggression when out of the two of us, I'm the one who is mature enough to control myself. ('Cept when I'm not...)

moving away without speaking or giving off disapproving body language
When the older sibling attacks the younger sibling, intervene by scooping up the aggressor and moving away.  I don't say, "Don't hit your brother" or "we don't" or "it's not nice."  I've found they know all that already and either they want to be aggressive or they can't control themselves.  I don't bother to "teach" them not to.  I just stop it.

bullies2buddies
I've written about these concepts and techniques a few times.  It mainly involves only stepping in when there will be harm (blood, bruises etc.) and when the aggressor is not responding to genuine distress signals by easing up.  I see my last post was about 2.5 years ago, and I am reporting now that they don't fight that much, they do get into physical conflict that ends pretty quickly, and the smacks are, from my observation, usually with a careful amount of force.

Playful Parenting
When I move the aggressor away (without criticizing or scowling or negative body language) I often ask if they want to wrestle or roughhouse or play out their aggressive energy.  This has been hugely helpful in navigating their feelings.

assuming that a great deal of sibling rivalry is due to fighting for love of the parent
To be continued in the next post.

how do you teach your child if you can't parent her?

today we got into an actual screaming match. 

i pride myself that my screaming matches with my pre-teen and teenage girls usually only have 2 exchanges before we de-escalate.  de-escalation is a huge tool in conflict resolution that we are fortunate to have many opportunities to practice :-D

sof kol sof, we both accused each other of being the first to raise her voice.  in truth, after analysis, i believe that she was speaking to me nastily 2x and then i raised my voice to actual "yelling" first.  then we bickered back and forth about who started. 

i asked if it would work for her, if when i began to feel upset that she was speaking "not nicely" to me, if i would very very nicely ask her to please speak to me in a nicer tone.  we shall see if that indeed can be implemented.  i find that i usually don't notice when i'm being spoken to obnoxiously until after i've reacted badly. 

anyway, i just want to say that i don't think that i fight with my pre-teen more because she's homeschooled.  it happens to be that this time the argument was over chumash. 

actual argument:

chana: 430 years?  really?  they weren't in mitzrayim for 430 yrs.
me: maybe it's counting from when yosef or yaakov went down.
chana: i don't understand.
me: maybe it's from when yosef or yaakov went down. 
chana (a bit obnoxiously): i don't understand what you're saying.
me: you remember yosef? and yaakov?  maybe it's from when they went down.
chana (a bit more obnoxiously): i don't understand what you're saying.
me (loudly, ie yelling): just listen to what i'm saying!

i believe at the time, elazar was also interrupting us many times.. something about blood coming from his toe..

chana devolved into tears, then the de-escalation, then the recriminations about who started, etc. then the offer of a resolution for next time, then you are all caught up.

but just because that argument was over chumash, doesn't mean that homeschooling causes more conflict.  on the way home, chana said, "i had a dream last night," and i said, "so did i!" and that got her upset.  she thought i was saying, "so what, everyone has dreams," when i was actually sharing with her that i, too, had an interesting dream last night.  then she didn't like the next 2 things i said.  then i told her i would be absolutely silent.  and that annoyed her too.  so there you go. 

if anything, homeschooling provides us with a lot of time to be together and develop our relationship and have a lot of nice interactions, so it's not all about conflict.

what if we only did chumash when it was an optimal time?

in case anyone was wondering, chana is up to shlishi in bo and so far we have done 12 rashis.  elazar mostly forgets to wear his kippah and i mostly forget to remind him.  he's very busy playing outside.  our conversations have been including more halacha and parsha and hashkafa, but he hasn't asked to learn inside.

i was discussing with my friend channie about the conflict of doing chumash when it isn't really a good time, and then being less than patient and relaxed because it's not a good time (like before we have to go out, or when the little ones are awake).  the other option is to only do it when it's a good time, but that sort of ends up being... well, close to never.  for example, we've done 2 navi stories this summer.  if that gives you a feel (which is what i always worry unschooling will turn out to be--basically no skills). 

(though i must interject that the theory is that at a certain point, they become motivated, and then BOOM they work hard at it.)

anyway, we were wondering is there any happy medium?  we don't feel like we can wait until it's convenient, because it rarely is a good time.  but if we do it when it's a terrible time, that is a recipe for conflict and anger and negativity.  and even if we skip it when it's a terrible time, well, we might be skipping it 4x a week..

i've learned by now that certain things should be avoided at all costs with chana.  do not do chumash while she is hungry.  do not do chumash when we have to leave the house soon.  do not get all blame-y that we haven't finished yet when someone wakes up from a nap in the middle of chumash (i obnoxiously still have trouble with that one, but luckily, chana calls me on it, so i'm improving).  chana is pretty good about doing it the night before or the night after or double the next day if we aren't going to make it.  it's just that I find it exhausting to do it at night like that.

channie suggested doing it when it's not a good time, but being super nice with lots of love and hugs and play.  naturally, although i wholeheartedly agree, i've found that in practice, it is difficult to dredge up love and hugs and playfulness when you are feeling on edge because you are being torn in different directions.

but i feel it really negatively impacts giving over a love for learning when i am teaching with gritted teeth and impatience and radiating stress and wanting to be done and, horror of horrors, exuding disappointment that she didn't remember something or couldn't translate something. 

so, in looking for a happy medium, i'm thinking about the following solution.  during times when things are really busy, i don't want to skip chumash because i want to convey that it is a priority-והגית בו יומם ולילה--that we immerse ourselves in it daily.  but precisely during those times when i'm feeling a time crunch, i'm going to try to set aside only 15 minutes for chumash.  and during that 15 minutes, i'm going to have only 2 goals. 1. to do a "mashehu" of chumash.  a smallest amount.  2. to have it be an enjoyable learning experience.

will i be able to do this?  we shall see.  if it doesn't work, then i'll do what i always do: look at what happened, look at what i did, look at the result, reevaluate, form a new approach, and try again.

navi

so chana's been in camp for 2 days now (comments from all her fellow campers, practically universally: "wow, you're homeschooled?  that's so awesome! (pause)  do you have friends?").  i've actually missed doing chumash with her.  which got me started on thinking about the parts i dread vs the parts i miss.  why do i (sometimes) dread it and what do i miss about it?

i miss spending an hour+ with her, giving her my concentrated attention.  i miss hearing about all the little things she's thinking about.  i miss her perspective on a rashi that i think is pshat and she asks a penetrating question that makes me realize although rashi may superficially seem like pshat, it isn't quite.  i miss watching her zip through translation and see how far she's come in her skills.  i miss learning torah with my daughter.

i don't miss her frustration and her anger when she is having trouble translating it and i feel like she can do it and she yells at me that she CANT find the shoresh and then, oh, it's amad.
on the other hand, navigating these conflicts makes me a more patient person (i have seen tremendous progress in myself how i handle this with chana from all the practice i got with sarah ;) and it's great practice for both of us to engage in the art of de-escalating conflict.  looking back, in addition to the usual pre-teen conflicts, i can point to chumash as a solid block of time that went on for months where we both got frustrated and had to learn to back off and regroup and re-attempt to communicate and both have things to work on and compromise and change behaviors and still have frustration and do it all over again.

(which does make me think about unschooling and the tantalizing promise that there won't be so much conflict around learning torah, and isn't torah supposed to be pleasant?  or maybe skills are drudgery and this is the way it goes? **cue jessie whining about how she's not sure about unschooling benefits vs skilldrilling benefits**)

anyway, i'm going to try to do chumash in the car with chana on the way up to my parents today.

but about my navi project.  as is frequent in homeschooling, i had an idea and it took on a fantasy life of its own about how we'd do navi every night and she'd love it.  ok, stop laughing.  true unschooling would be where she'd be interested and i would facilitate her learning.  but there is also an element of unschooling where "v'dibarta bam b'shivtecha b'veisecha," torah is constantly on my mind and we talk about it.  i then go back to the pesach seder and i hear many of my rebbeim echoing in my head: a pesach seder doesn't just happen without the parent thinking a great deal about where the child is at and what type of learning they'd find interesting.  from the kids' perspective, interesting things are happening and then they ask questions and then learning naturally emerges.  but from the parents' end, you need to think about what sort of things will trigger the questions and what approach you want to take to answer those questions.

so back to Summer of Navi.  i'd like it to be that when chana remembers doing navi, it was Really Interesting.  (hehe, jane austen capitalization for emphasis.)

tip #1
ask a child if s/he wants to learn when it's past his or her bedtime.

chana babysat for us last night when we went out to dinner (yay summer date nights! i look forward to that all year).  part of the charm of babysitting is that she can stay awake until we get home.  so around 10:30, just when i was thinking of telling her to go to bed, i asked her if she wanted to do navi.  i figured it was late and she wouldn't want to.  but she said yes.

we chilled on the couch and did the story of ehud.  i gave her the background of shoftim (the cycle of sinning, enemy, calling out to hashem, shofet) and she immediately said that many of us are not keeping torah now but we don't have an enemy.  i said we are in galus and she countered by saying we have israel.  (i did not bring up the midrash "revach tasimu ben eder l'eder" as she's only 11.)
anyway, she enjoyed it and next up is yericho.

i think in unschooling, one of the things that is nervewracking is that the classical way of doing things is very regular.  you do it every day or every week or a few times a week.  you drill and drill.  you plug away, day in and day out, year after year.
and in unschooling, things happen more in bursts.  or there is a lot of fallow time and productive waves.  there is a sudden burst of interest and it's very exciting.  then nothing for days or weeks.  and then it's exciting again.  everything you pursue is fueled by your interest.  your motivation carries you into it and through it.

so perhaps i should not be surprised that navi is not happening regularly, and focus on it's enjoyability factor plus that there is genuine learning going on.

it happens to all of us. i think.

i only post this to show how very infuriated and frustrated a homeschool mom can sometimes get.  i am not proud of how i behaved.

at 11:50 i asked chana to do chumash.  she asked for 10 minutes.  somehow, i'm not sure how, it was 12:55 and it seemed to me that for the past 45 min at least, i had been asking her to do chumash and she had always had some reason why not.  i was getting shorter and shorter tempered.  she was playing some game, she asked if she could finish, i said ok.  then 10 minutes later i asked to do chumash, she said she's still playing.  finally i said i don't care if you are still playing, when you asked if you could finish, how many minutes are we talking?  i thought it would be about 2 min and it's a lot more.  she said she didn't know and i got annoyed.  then she had to shut down her computer, which took a long time because, in her words, it's a dinosaur (as if there were computers in the dinosaur era). then something else.  then something else. THEN she asked if she could wash her hands and i said, and i cannot believe i said this, "i'm going to kill you in a minute."

now, this is not part of my parenting repertoire.  except when it is, apparently.  i cannot recall telling any of my children that i was going to kill them. 

chana, unsurprisingly, burst into tears. 

my temper has been rather fraying this last week.  elazar's in a tough, super energetic phase, after being fairly amenable for 6 months or more.  i have to readjust.  jack is teething and spends a lot of the day screaming at me.  aharon is ok, but is still under a year and baby care is fairly intensive.  recently, aharon's dinner and elazar's put-me-to-bed-right-now-or-i'll-start-destroying-the-house-and-hitting-and-breaking-things is basically at the exact same time, and i haven't had help during bedtime.  well, chana is around and she is great at childcare but not at feeding or discipline.  so 2 extremely immediate needs where putting one aside means intense screaming or things breaking has left me feeling frazzled every night and i've been rather alarmed at how much show of temper i've been both expressing AND feeling.  i haven't been this hair-trigger in a while. 
but it hasn't really spilled over into the day before this. 

last night i really wanted to read an 18 pg story and hear a small lecture on it.  i really wanted to cook for 14 ppl for shabbos.  i really wanted to go for a walk.  i really wanted to visit oma yesterday. 
i skipped navi, which i've been wanting to do but keep putting lower priority.  i wanted to do chumash, which i didn't do during the day because we went to visit oma, and i wanted to do some fractions.  we skipped reading and writing.
something's gotta give.  i do a very very minimal curriculum and sometimes it doesn't fit into our lifestyle. 

anyway, chana and i have been discussing psychological ambivalence for a while, and how she can love me and hate me at the same time.  we've been discussing that she mostly loves me, but a very small part of her sometimes wants me dead. 

one of my favorite examples of this was when she was crying about how much work i was making her do and she said: "i'm crying because i want you to feel bad for me." pause. "and also, i want to poke your eye." pause. "i wonder why your eye..?"

anyway, in an effort to reconnect, i opened up a word document and wrote the following.  (which also led me to ponder that she wouldn't be able to read in hebrew w/o nekudot if i wrote it, which led me to think i've been lax about that)

Chana I don’t know what to do

It is one hour after we said we would start

Now aharon is awake

What should I do when I want to do work ONE HOUR ago

and she wrote:

I HATE U I HATE U U WANTED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!N

and i wrote:

I don’t really want to kill you.  It was a very small feeling.

and then i wrote:

I just feel like this happens a lot.  We don’t have a good solution.  I am ready to do chumash.  You aren’t.  it takes us over an hour to do it.  And then things are too busy.  I am so frustrated.  Please help me think of solutions so that I don’t feel so angry.

 and she wrote:

I cant I feel to hurt

 and i wrote:

I’m sorry that I was so angry that I said that.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  I love you and I would be very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad if you were dead.

I learned when I said that to you that I am very frustrated and I would like to find solutions so I don’t get that angry anymore.  Pls help me.

 

and then i wrote:

Possible Solution 1:

You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.

 and she didn't like it.  she started to write a solution but didn't like it and deleted it. so i wrote:

Possible solution 2:

You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing in 2 or 5 minutes even if you aren’t finished and we do chumash.

 and then i wrote:

And if 2 or 5 minutes pass (and now it’s 12:20) you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.

and then we cuddled.  and we did chumash.

Conclusion:

I say I want to do chumash.  Chana chooses a time.  (if we do chumash, then fine.)

But if the time comes.  And goes.  Then I say 2 or 5 minutes. (then if we do chumash, then fine.)

 But if we still haven't done it, then next time I say "let's do chumash" we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something.  sign here: Chana mommy

and then chana added a sad smiley face and we agreed to add the words "under duress:"

But if we still haven’t done it, then next time I say “let’s do chumash” we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something. Sign here (under duress): Chana :( mommy

hopefully this will help.  we shall see.

sometimes there are days like these

who is responsible for the snarling dynamic that sometimes ensues? me or chana? we had a half an hr to do maftir of vayera and rishon of chaye sorah. neither of them difficult. chana had eaten and had plenty of notice.

i get irritated that she whines and has a headache and eye pain, even though i know from yrs of education that this is a common ailment that afflicts children who feel that the work they are doing is too much for them. i am irritated that the pesukim we have been doing and doing are still not sticking in her memory. what can we do to "make" her remember??

my negative expressions and implied disappointment are surely horrible in terms of a pleasant learning atmosphere.

then i asked if she wanted a break. she said no, then yes. then she went back to the tv and elazar started crying because his show wasn't over. and i said never mind, let's do the 10 more min until his show is over. and she grew furious (i'm being inconsistent, aren't i? completely). and i sent her to timeout. neither of us feels good about how this went.

there is still rishon to do. and new pesukim. i have a wedding today. who knows if we will get to rishon. let alone rashi.

today has left a bad taste in my mouth. it is unfair that chana is feeling bad about her own loss of control, and about her inability to remember the words (which surely is not her fault), when i am the adult in this interaction.