Quality of Life

Despite unlimited multimedia, I saw Elazar playing with these earlier today.  When I walked by later, I noticed he had left a little design.  Every time I walk by it, I smile.

I realized this morning that hassle of getting Chen's paperwork in to apply to college aside, my life is pretty calm these days.  Around three or four years ago, when my youngest was leaving toddlerhood, life took a turn for the easier.  The constant, unrelenting childcare began to ease.

But today I was thinking that I can't remember the last time one of them cried.  In fact, I think I've cried more recently than they have.  Considering that most of my day used to be spent with little people crying and throwing things at me.  I remember when the first two hours of my day, from 5:30-7:30am, were of my two little ones tag teaming me crying. 

Even when the older two boys edged out of the constant crying, my youngest was quite a crier.  Walking to shul always entailed him collapsing in the middle of the street screaming.  We thought of him as the hulk--usually pretty even tempered, but "you won't like me when I'm angry."  I couldn't understand how my youngest child's temper tantrums were wiping me out when I could remember juggling three (sometimes four) tantrums at the same time.  But after age 4, his tantrums became more...robust, I guess.

Then there was the stage where the older boys went to bed late and the little one just couldn't keep up.  Either bedtime was excruciating as he fought it, and/or the next day was difficult as he was too tired, and thus more prone to irritability (read "the Hulk"). 

Then, one day, he grew up.  He could tolerate going to sleep late.  He began sleeping later in the morning.  I let him go to bed when he wanted to and many days he put himself to sleep when he was tired, knowing if he wants to, he can stay up with everyone.  Even if he was tired, he functioned the next day.

Like I said, I haven't heard them cry in ages.  They have disagreements.  I try to be there on hand to help them talk through it.  The tactics we use are:

• Eye contact.  Look at the person as you express your complaint
• Take turns.  Don't interrupt.  Wait until the first person has completely expressed everything he wants to say.  Then it's your turn
• If someone says Stop, or Don't do that--respect that.  (That often doesn't happen in the course of roughhousing or teasing or sublimated aggression.  When they bring me into it, I am the superego who reminds them that verbal communication is ideally listened to on the first try.)
• פשרה, Compromise.  A lot of times the solutions they come up with are not what I would have thought of.  I'm thinking "fair" but they think about working it out.  
• Don't leave the conversation until both parties are satisfied

My main point?  Life is more pleasant when you're not being cried at all day long.  Perhaps this is an obvious point.  But a stay-at-home mom with small children may not even realize how much emotional energy is sapped by being cried at constantly.

(Irony--as I was writing this, Elazar started crying because his plans for buying a sushi making kit [which he'd been planning for a few hours] didn't work out.)  

(Update--he sobbed in my lap for 5 minutes, then went out of the room and figured it out.)

First do no harm

I've noticed a bit of a shift in my parenting attitude.  When my oldest cried, I was always trying to do what I could to stop the crying.  Crying was bad (or at least, it felt "bad" to me, and I think we are biologically programmed to react that way and that contributes to the preservation of the species) and I just wanted to make it "better."

I'm sure a lot of experiences and influences contributed to me viewing crying as opportunities to help my children exercise certain muscles.  Muscles like "accepting that things don't go as I want" or "feeling the full depth of my pain" or "experiencing pain while someone who loves me conveys to me that it is okay."

- I remember being petrified when pregnant with my second child that I just don't know how to cope with all that crying and realizing I don't have to try to stop the baby from crying, I can just hold her as she cries and that's okay and it will pass, be it in hours or when she finally gets old enough to talk.

- I remember grieving my mid-trimester pregnancy losses and seeing how grief was waves and waves of anguish, and I had to be kind to myself and allow myself to ride the waves of grief as they came, like the different cries of the shofar.  And I noticed my toddler also wailed like that and needed the same thing from me.  That people aren't allowed to be sad and they need to be allowed to be sad.

- I remember seeing my children stomping in anger and demanding things and me thinking, "This child is a spoiled brat."  And realizing that this is actually an opportunity for them to not get what they want and internalize the experience of being told No with kindness and patience and firmness.

And now when my children cry and I am fortunate to not be overloaded emotionally, mentally, or physically (hahahaha no seriously) then I can actually view these situations as parenting opportunities.  Just like I view conflict with my pre-adolescents and teens as opportunities to model and to practice relationship skills when I'm not too furious.

So Jack (6) has a middah (character trait) that I've noticed for a while that concerns me.  It came to my attention a couple of years ago with him getting fixated on a package of lollipops that I finally agreed to buy him for Succos but I bought it 3 days before and for those 3 days, he couldn't tolerate not having them.  He was young and couldn't think that he would get it soon (though this is the same kid who saved up money for over a year to buy a DS when he was 3).  He just got very focused on the unfairness of it and ("unfair" being a code word for "not what I want") and kept proclaiming that if I won't give him that, then he deserves something else, and he suggested various things.  This went on for days.  The fixation disturbed me, the incredible length of time disturbed me, and the notion that it will only be okay if something he deems of equal value is given to him disturbed me.

My latest parenting approach to these kinds of things can be described as: Chill out, see how it goes, try not to make it worse.  (I have unfortunately discovered that so many of my reactions simply do make things worse, and "First do no harm" keeps my hands full.)

So today when Elazar asked to go with the neighbors to the candy store, and Jack remembered that Elazar had gotten to go last time the neighbors took someone (they have room for one person), and Jack fixated on this, I realized it was a great opportunity to ride the wave of the fixation, to feel the pain, to not change the situation.  I was there for him, I was compassionate, I was firm that he wasn't going.  He shortly moved on to his coping mechanism, which is to suggest other things that he felt would satisfy him and would be equivalent.  Fine, so he should be able to buy a game for his tablet.  I said no.  Fine, so he gets my computer.  I didn't answer him the first few times because that's absurd.  But when he persisted I said no.  Fine, so he hit and kicked me.  I asked him if he wanted to wrestle.  I can't remember exactly how the morning played out.  But a few times he came back, upset about it, and we went through his disappointment, him trying to change things, me staying firm.  He's older now than a few years ago and his rational faculty is more developed; he doesn't get as stuck in his upset-ness as he used to from 2-5.  And he's out playing now.

I'm grateful to homeschooling that my first grader has this time to go through this emotional experience.  I'm not rushed and we don't have to be anywhere or do anything else.  Ten years ago it was stressful for me to choose emotional development over academic education.  I often worry about academic achievement. (Probably unnecessarily.  See how I can't even commit and I say "probably"?)  But this morning it is clear.

Hormones

Tonight was one of those nights that people are talking about when they say, "I could never homeschool my kids!"

My daughter is preteen.  It's been building up for a few days, the bad mood, the surliness, the crying at the drop of a hat, the fury at anything and everything, most especially her mother.  Tonight, some of the things she said had me mentally filing them to share with my sister and another friend with a preteen daughter, for example: "Don't say 'Good'!  I can't stand it when you say that!!" and "Don't tell me to reread it!  I was going to reread it" after she deliberately mumbled a phrase and she hadn't reread the last phrase she deliberately mumbled last time without prodding.  etc etc.

The line from the Princess Bride kept going through my mind:  Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!  Hahahahahahaha.. until he keels over.
But I substituted: Never do Chumash with a preteen daughter when she is hormonal! Hahahahahahaha.. and then I keel over.

Last week I felt we were speaking too sharply to each other.  This mostly comes up during Chumash because we (thankfully) aren't in much conflict at other times during the day.  I told her on Shabbos that I felt like I wanted to try to react better.  Most of our conflicts last week ended up like this:
Me: Stop screaming.
Her: I should stop screaming?! You're the one screaming!
Me: I'm only screaming because you screamed at me first!
Her: I didn't scream first! You're the one who screamed first!

I figured that since we always end up arguing over who started screaming first, maybe I should just try to control my powerful negative reaction when I *perceive* that I'm being screamed at, and maybe if I'm nicer, we won't explode.  I shared that with her on Shabbos, and she appreciated it.

This evening, every time her tone got obnoxious, I reminded myself inside my head that I was going to be pleasant when she was obnoxious.  I think I did this 6 or 7 times.  (At one point, I said to her, "You are screaming at me."  And she said, "I'm not screaming.  I think you think screaming is louder than I think it is."  And I was thinking at the exact moment she then said: "Actually, you think my screaming is louder than I think it is, and I think your screaming is louder than you think it is.  So we actually both think screaming is exactly equal, but reversed."  Yes!!! A moment of rare accord.)

Also, I decided to do a rashi tonight.  She asked why she has to do rashi.  I asked her to tell me.  Seeing as we have this conversation every time I ask her to do rashi.  She shrieked said, "I don't know! That's why I asked the question! Why would I ask a question unless I want you to answer it!"  Then I said I want her to learn to read and understand rashi.  And she shrieked said she already knows how to read rashi.  And I said she needs to learn how to understand rashi.  (Never mind that she didn't know the samech from the mem sofis and when I mentioned that, she shrieked said, "I forgot! I'm allowed to forget!" Yes, you are allowed to forget, but not if you insist that you don't need practice because you are already great at it.)  Then she pitched a fit objected that I was asking her to translate too much.

I think she did a pretty decent job translating.  I'm still a little disturbed that we are using rashi with nekudos and I don't know how she would be at rashi without nekudos, which is really what I'd like her to be able to read.  But hopefully with more familiarity will come fluency.

I was pretty irritated by the end and, while I did manage to hold onto my Zen (mostly), I think this whole thing was a valuable experience for us.

While it's not delightful to interact with each other when she is in a bad mood, this gives us a lot of practice working on our self control and conflict resolution.  It's an opportunity for me to model kindness in the face of provocation.  It's an opportunity for her to restrain herself to snarling instead of a full-blown freak out.  We are trying to be respectful of each other while we are both extremely irritated.  It is during the crucible of these moments that I find my better self (after sometimes also finding my most hideous self) and refine my patience and my character.  It is these moments that will be some of my daughter's most valuable lessons.

It is not pleasant to homeschool through these times.  But when you ask me, how do I homeschool and teach and discipline when my children are obnoxious and difficult and horrid?  The answer is, I'm glad I do.

Luckily, I also get a lot of "do-overs" when I don't handle things as well as I'd like to.  Tomorrow will be another night.

Oh, wait.  We still have math.

one of the downsides of homeschooling--when siblings are around during a lesson

chazara of mishpatim did not start on a great foot.  chana didn't do chumash until i was putting the boys to bed.  so i'm on the couch, reading a book and doing bedtime routine, and chana is on the other end of the couch, asking me for words.

some of them i remembered.  but a lot of them i didn't.  (remember, i didn't really know a lot of pshat of mishpatim?)  so i keep saying to chana, "i don't know" or guessing and she says it doesn't make sense. maybe some of them did make sense.  the boys are kind of jumping all over me and talking and it's hard to hear her.

chana: what is mmmphgreebrrmph?
jack (at exact same time): can you take us up the stairs?
me (to chana): what?
jack (thinking i'm talking to him): can you take us up the stairs?
chana: what is mmmphgreebrrmph?
me: What??

jack (thinking i'm talking to him): can you take us up the stairs?
chana (at same time): WHAT IS mmmphgreebrrmph?

me: WHAT?

jack (thinking i'm talking to him): can you take us up the stairs?
chana: WHAT IS mmmphgreebrrmph?!!!!

ultimately, chana frowningly skipped over the words she didn't understand.  i wanted to tell her the words but the boys were jumping all over and talking.  she was also grouchy.

afterwards, i said she should look up the words she doesn't know.  she said if I don't know them, why does she have to know them?  i'm the teacher, and i am supposed to be teaching them to her.

i felt that was chutzpadik, but also felt that i was in the middle of bedtime routine and couldn't address it well.  (i also have found, with teens and preteens, chutzpa is best addressed 24 hrs later and not in the middle of the dispute.)

when we discussed it today, i brought up that she said that she doesn't need to know it if i don't know it, with the intention of asking her if my not knowing it AND her not knowing it gives us the result of her understanding the parsha.  but she clarified that she felt that it was not her job to look it up, and she wanted me to look it up.  she suggested that she review rishon again, this time with me looking the words up.

personally, i'm pretty frustrated that she's asking me what pesukim mean and i don't know what they mean.  i find that even if i look up the english and understand what each word means, i often do not understand the pshat of the pasuk.  example: 21:30: if a ransom was put on him, then he will put a redemption of his life, like everything that is put on him.
huh??  it's talking about something about the ox that gores.  what exactly it's saying, i'm not sure.  i have had this experience numerous times in this parsha, and i guess it should keep me humble.  this is how a student probably feels a lot when trying to translate chumash.

i choose to die on this mountain

Sometimes, I pick a battle and I take a stand.  Yesterday it was an orange.  Elazar likes me to cut gently into the orange to make it easier for him to peel.  However, if he peels and breaks through the membrane, it's "juicy" and it's dead to him.  We've had this discussion about bananas and ice cream sandwiches before.  I will take off the wrapper or the peel, but sometimes it breaks or cracks a little and he may not have another one.  That is wasting.

Well, we didn't have that conversation before the orange.  (He is 5 now.  I would think this is a 2 or 3 yo problem, by the way.)  I accidentally over-enthusiastically cut the grooves, and they sliced into the membrane, making nearly the entire orange "juicy."  He lost it.  He behaved obnoxiously and disrespectfully.  I think he first threw a tantrum, which I respect, because life isn't going his way and it's infuriating.  I often use these tantrums as an opportunity to let them ride the full wave of fury and frustration, and reality doesn't change.  I try to maintain a solid and loving presence while they do this.  I feel like in that jumbled way that children confuse parents and God, it gives the psyche the experience that there is a loving presence while reality goes against their will.  And eventually they pick themselves up and move forward.  Which I think is an important life lesson.

But not Elazar.  He escalated.  He tried to hit me.  He threw the orange at me.  I maintained my loving, calm presence for a while.  But soon I began to feel, like in that jumbled way that children confuse parents and God, that Elazar might be soon about to experience a capricious, vengeful and wrathful idolatrous god.  So I decided to clarify that I was taking a stand.  I crouched down, looked him in the eye, and stated very firmly: "I will NOT do another orange.  I don't like the way you screamed at me and are screaming at me."

This escalated things further, and sometimes when he shrieks like that I begin to wonder if I was wrong to take this stand.  But instead of my usual second guessing, I just felt irritated and justified.  I do not want to be treated like this.  I will not tolerate being treated like that.  The only way to put a stop to it is to make it clear that he cannot speak to me and treat me like that.  I will die on this mountain if I have to.  You will not cross this line.

This occurred in the middle of the day.  At various points over the next hour and a half, he cried about it and screamed about it.  When he finally spoke to me calmly about it, I said I am still upset at the way he treated me, and maybe if he asks me in half an hour I will do it.  He did ask me in half an hour.

I thought a lot about how much of our day this orange incident took up.  This is definitely one of the things I like about homeschooling.  In the early elementary age years, there are so many strong emotions and so many interactions that are intense for the child.*  And in homeschool, we really do have the time and the chance to walk them through these incidents when they occur.  In school, he'd probably suck up his feelings, which would be age appropriate for 1st grade and not necessarily a bad skill to master (or he would cry a lot, and hopefully have a compassionate teacher).  But he'd be coming home at 4pm and we have to do homework and dinner and bedtime, and there just isn't the same leisure to devote to these turbulent emotions.

_________
* (During puberty, there are also so many strong emotions and interactions that are intense for the teenager.  During life, there are so many strong emotions and interactions that are intense.)

on homeschool tantrums

I started writing this as a comment to a blog post i saw today, and it got so long I decided to make it into its own post.

I was once interviewed about homeschooling, and was asked about the negatives.  I said: it's little known that there are many more tantrums in homeschool.

It's a combination of a bunch of factors.  They aren't peer pressured to keep it together. They are used to having a say in the work that they do.  There is no superego of the teacher expecting them to behave in a civilized manner.  There is emotional safety in being home with the parent, so that when there are all sorts of emotional issues being activated with this particular assignment, there is the luxury of letting loose.

Despite all that, I have certainly wondered many a time if this was normal, and if a child this old ought to be behaving that way.  (And I vaguely remembered a friend of mine who homeschooled 5-10 yrs before me talking about how HER student also was prone to these emotional outbursts regularly.)  So although I accept these tantrums as part of homeschooling, I also have to walk a fine line between two possibilities:

On one hand, as a homeschooler, I do have the luxury of stopping what we are doing, changing the curriculum when there is a tremendous amount of complaining and tantrumming, setting aside schoolwork and helping my children through deep emotional upheavals and issues.

On the other hand, there is a concept of discipline, of perseverance, of being capable of sticking with something through to its completion, of not giving up when things are a little tough, of doing things we sometimes dislike or find difficult. 

In my personal experience, I have been finding that there are AMPLE opportunities for perseverance or for not giving up and for realizing that they have to do things they dislike.  I'm not so sure that schoolwork is my favorite forum for that lesson.

However.  I often go based on my gut on this one.  Sometimes I simply feel the work IS within their reach and it truly is not as torturous as they are shrieking it is.  Sometimes I simply feel it is good for them to do this.  Sometimes I feel like it's important for them to listen to me.  Sometimes I feel like it is worthwhile for them to complete this task.  Sometimes I feel like this is what is standing between them being a responsible and productive human being and them being an obnoxious, spoiled brat.

So usually I do what I feel.  And there have been times I've chosen wrong.  And there are probably times where I chose correctly, but doubted myself.  And probably times where I don't even realize I chose wrong.  My relationship with them is thousands upon thousands of these interactions, and as long as I remain thoughtful and flexible about it, I think it turns out okay.

Not to mention that if it really is too much for them, the tantrums go on day after day after day. 

Listen to your children.  Listen to your gut.  Look at the factors you are aware of.  Make a choice.  Either way doesn't matter much.  You can always choose differently next time.  You'll get more tries.  And both aspects are valuable in your child's education.

against unschooling judaics

today was one of those days that makes me think that unschooling is not the answer.  we spent a week by my parents and chana asked if she could have a vacation from chumash (according to unschooling philosophy, if the child needs a "vacation" then we're approaching it wrong..).  i acceded. 

so today we got back into it.  i asked her if she wanted to do it now or later.  she chose now and finished up what she was doing.  she chose to chazer shlishi (i let her choose which aliya), and did it herself, asking for 2 words.  then we went over the beginning of revii together.  (she started doing it herself, but soon needed me to sit next to her and provide word translation and also general phrase translation.)  after barely remembering the new pesukim from last time (probably because it had been so long since we did them and she didn't have any review of them at all soon after she learned them) and the new pasuk being complicated, i told her to just do those 2 pesukim again and we wouldn't do any more.  2 pesukim (or really just one new one) is rather sparse compared to how much she usually covers. 

one thing i have to watch out for is that if she gets too emotionally overloaded during pshat, she doesn't have mental energy left for rashi.  and we've been doing a LOT of rashi. 

so even before we started she was getting whelmed.  (i was going to say overwhelmed, but i must admit that she's come a long way in mastering herself, and while she was whelmed, she wasn't overwhelmed.)

i said, coaxingly, "just do as much as you can do."  and she insightfully said, "that means just keep going til i finish it all!" i laughed because that's true, and that lightened the atmosphere.

so she was doing rashi, but complaining about it, but doing a really great job.  she was kvetching, but she was right at that point in education where i could see she was stretching, but not being pushed too hard.  exactly what good education is supposed to be.  exactly what is emotionally satisfying for the child. 

it turned out, about halfway through (i can't remember how long--probably about 20 min of intense reading and translating where she can usually do 40+ min), i judged that she really was hitting an emotional limit.  so we stopped, and either we'll pick it up tonight if it's quiet (hahahahahaha though a girl can dream) or tomorrow.

i feel like she's really making great strides in skills. 

i think about how all the rest of our lives is seamless, pleasant and relaxed (and chumash is, too) but she dislikes chumash and wishes she didn't have to do it, and i wonder if unschooling would provide that joy towards learning.  but i also love the day in day out learning and the gaining of skills and knowledge. 

this is why, even though i love unschooling and it calls me, i also do not feel compelled to promote it.  for parents who like structure and for kids who respond to it, structured schooling that still pays attention to the individuality of the child (and most homeschoolers, no matter how structured, do come to that, because the individualized attention demands it) is wonderful.

then again, the older i get, the less i feel compelled to promote anything.  you do what you want and i'll do what i want.  just don't kill me or legislate against me.  and we shall reap the consequences of our choices.  but i digress.  i just wanted to say that when you can hit that "sweet spot" in structure, where the child is being stretched but not painfully, structured education is a glory to behold.

on homeschool tantrums

An example of why talking to other people is so important.  I dropped by a friend's house on Shabbos.  While I was there, I took the opportunity to ask her husband his thoughts on a question Chana had on Rashi.  In the course of conversation, he asked if Chana enjoys learning.  I paused.  She enjoys the thinking, she enjoys the questions, she enjoys parts of it.  But overall?  I don't think she enjoys it.  I think she finds it something to get through, something she dislikes.  Something she tolerates.  That gave him pause.  He told me about his son, who is in school, who really enjoys gaining the skills.  His son doesn't find it painful to acquire the chumash skills.  He is enjoying it.  Is it his son's nature?  No, he thought that the Rebbes make it fun for the kids.  He suggested two possible and related reasons.  1.  These Rebbes focus all of their educational energy on imparting skills.  It is their craft.  They hone this ability and their main goal is to make learning skills pleasant and achievable.  Whereas I am trying to do a whole bunch of things, one of which is teaching skills, and that is only a small subsection of my concept of "learning."  2. These Rebbes are EXCITED about teaching skills.  They love it.  They look forward to it.  They enjoy it.  They think it is wonderful.  They live for it.  Whereas I... I dread it.  I view it as a necessary evil.  Something to get through in order to get to the real "meat and potatoes" of learning.  Obviously, this attitude gets transferred to Chana.

This gave me plenty to think about (in addition to the last few weeks, as I have been ruminating about the boys' future chinuch).  I often find that having a conversation with someone can really open my mind to a whole new angle.

But homeschoolers, let's admit.  Our kids tantrum more than kids at school tantrum.  I rarely hear about an elementary aged child who tantrums about work in school.  The combination of social embarrassment, peer pressure, and being used to doing things they dislike make it an unusual occurrence.  Whereas homeschoolers are quite vocal about work they don't want to do.  If it's painful and they don't see the benefit, they will complain.  Loudly.  Often.  Since you are the mom, and a safe person, it can and does degenerate into tantrums (youtube: don music sesame street).  There are no peers around to cause embarrassment.  As a student, your opinion about the work you are doing is taken into consideration.

Supposedly unschooling eliminates most of that.  Though it still petrifies me to throw myself into that route.  However, I have a lot to think about regarding making skills work exciting and fun.  And thoughts are crystallizing..

it happens to all of us. i think.

i only post this to show how very infuriated and frustrated a homeschool mom can sometimes get.  i am not proud of how i behaved.

at 11:50 i asked chana to do chumash.  she asked for 10 minutes.  somehow, i'm not sure how, it was 12:55 and it seemed to me that for the past 45 min at least, i had been asking her to do chumash and she had always had some reason why not.  i was getting shorter and shorter tempered.  she was playing some game, she asked if she could finish, i said ok.  then 10 minutes later i asked to do chumash, she said she's still playing.  finally i said i don't care if you are still playing, when you asked if you could finish, how many minutes are we talking?  i thought it would be about 2 min and it's a lot more.  she said she didn't know and i got annoyed.  then she had to shut down her computer, which took a long time because, in her words, it's a dinosaur (as if there were computers in the dinosaur era). then something else.  then something else. THEN she asked if she could wash her hands and i said, and i cannot believe i said this, "i'm going to kill you in a minute."

now, this is not part of my parenting repertoire.  except when it is, apparently.  i cannot recall telling any of my children that i was going to kill them. 

chana, unsurprisingly, burst into tears. 

my temper has been rather fraying this last week.  elazar's in a tough, super energetic phase, after being fairly amenable for 6 months or more.  i have to readjust.  jack is teething and spends a lot of the day screaming at me.  aharon is ok, but is still under a year and baby care is fairly intensive.  recently, aharon's dinner and elazar's put-me-to-bed-right-now-or-i'll-start-destroying-the-house-and-hitting-and-breaking-things is basically at the exact same time, and i haven't had help during bedtime.  well, chana is around and she is great at childcare but not at feeding or discipline.  so 2 extremely immediate needs where putting one aside means intense screaming or things breaking has left me feeling frazzled every night and i've been rather alarmed at how much show of temper i've been both expressing AND feeling.  i haven't been this hair-trigger in a while. 
but it hasn't really spilled over into the day before this. 

last night i really wanted to read an 18 pg story and hear a small lecture on it.  i really wanted to cook for 14 ppl for shabbos.  i really wanted to go for a walk.  i really wanted to visit oma yesterday. 
i skipped navi, which i've been wanting to do but keep putting lower priority.  i wanted to do chumash, which i didn't do during the day because we went to visit oma, and i wanted to do some fractions.  we skipped reading and writing.
something's gotta give.  i do a very very minimal curriculum and sometimes it doesn't fit into our lifestyle. 

anyway, chana and i have been discussing psychological ambivalence for a while, and how she can love me and hate me at the same time.  we've been discussing that she mostly loves me, but a very small part of her sometimes wants me dead. 

one of my favorite examples of this was when she was crying about how much work i was making her do and she said: "i'm crying because i want you to feel bad for me." pause. "and also, i want to poke your eye." pause. "i wonder why your eye..?"

anyway, in an effort to reconnect, i opened up a word document and wrote the following.  (which also led me to ponder that she wouldn't be able to read in hebrew w/o nekudot if i wrote it, which led me to think i've been lax about that)

Chana I don’t know what to do

It is one hour after we said we would start

Now aharon is awake

What should I do when I want to do work ONE HOUR ago

and she wrote:

I HATE U I HATE U U WANTED TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!N

and i wrote:

I don’t really want to kill you.  It was a very small feeling.

and then i wrote:

I just feel like this happens a lot.  We don’t have a good solution.  I am ready to do chumash.  You aren’t.  it takes us over an hour to do it.  And then things are too busy.  I am so frustrated.  Please help me think of solutions so that I don’t feel so angry.

 and she wrote:

I cant I feel to hurt

 and i wrote:

I’m sorry that I was so angry that I said that.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  I love you and I would be very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sad if you were dead.

I learned when I said that to you that I am very frustrated and I would like to find solutions so I don’t get that angry anymore.  Pls help me.

 

and then i wrote:

Possible Solution 1:

You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.

 and she didn't like it.  she started to write a solution but didn't like it and deleted it. so i wrote:

Possible solution 2:

You get to say a time (like 12:00) but then if it passes and we haven’t done chumash yet (like it’s 12:07) and I want to do it, you stop what you are doing in 2 or 5 minutes even if you aren’t finished and we do chumash.

 and then i wrote:

And if 2 or 5 minutes pass (and now it’s 12:20) you stop what you are doing IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of a game or upload or eating and we do chumash.

and then we cuddled.  and we did chumash.

Conclusion:

I say I want to do chumash.  Chana chooses a time.  (if we do chumash, then fine.)

But if the time comes.  And goes.  Then I say 2 or 5 minutes. (then if we do chumash, then fine.)

 But if we still haven't done it, then next time I say "let's do chumash" we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something.  sign here: Chana mommy

and then chana added a sad smiley face and we agreed to add the words "under duress:"

But if we still haven’t done it, then next time I say “let’s do chumash” we do it IMMEDIATELY even if in the middle of something. Sign here (under duress): Chana :( mommy

hopefully this will help.  we shall see.

on answering questions and is the era of tantrums over?

chana doesn't really understand a lot of the rashis we do.  aside from reading and translation skills, there are often deep points in rashi and she frequently realizes that she doesn't get it.  and then i realize that 1. she is right; it's a lot more complicated than i realized and 2. she doesn't have the conceptual sophistication to get it.

i like chazara (i've mentioned before) because she realizes new things from reading it again, and it gives her time to brew the different issues.  we had been doing the rashi of yosef coming to the house to do his "work."  she asked me today if i thought yosef intended to be with potiphar's wife; she didn't think so.

she realized today that she didn't understand what it meant that hashem was going to send the bear to bother yosef.  she's read that 3x, but today it hit her that she didn't understand it.  i explained to her a couple of times that the bear is eishas potiphar.  but today she asked me about it again.  and yet, to have a discussion about the psychology of being in a leadership position and grooming himself and how that leads to potiphar's wife noticing him is not something she is interested in.

but i do think it's important to respect that she doesn't understand it.  we are so quick to push answers.  i sometimes think that sitting with the question is more valuable.  if you answer the question, then it stops bothering them and they stop thinking about it.  or, what happened to me a lot when i was a kid, you get the sense that you are supposed to not have the question anymore after the answer and so you accept it, even though it doesn't quite answer the question to your satisfaction.

also, something that i read in r' saadia gaon (maybe) is that people don't realize that thinking and drawing conclusions and finding answers takes effort and work the same way growing crops does.

another thing i was thinking about is that chana hasn't tantrummed in a while.  that's another oddity about homeschooling.  instead of worrying year to year if your kid is "caught up" (caught up to what, anyway??), you can take a long term view of a bunch of years.  i would have thought that my kid ought to have been mature enough to not be tantrumming about her work 2 years ago.  after all, she would never do that in "real" school.  but yet, here we are, and i suddenly realized today that she has the maturity to express her dislike of chumash and express when she is overwhelmed without the tantrums. 

skills vs tears

i wanted to do chumash before we went to fun zone today. chana didn't want to. i threatened. we did it with tears. and rashi. got the job done, but with hatred and anger. leaving me with my usual question. is this important to be disciplined or am i making her hate it long term.

happy chanuka

grrr

i lost my temper. what's the number one rule of homeschooling?

don't try to do chumash when you have other things to do.

our plan was to do it in the car. i forgot the chumash. chana remembered when we were on our way. she agreed to do it when we got home. i needed 10 min to get things settled when we got home, and by then she was doing something and not inclined to stop.

then she had a headache. then it was too much. this is before we started.

i offered for her to just do 5 pesukim before the new ones, and then to do whatever she can do in 10 min. she refused on the grounds that she'll finish all of it in those 10 min.

if it's going to only take 10 min, then what is the big deal?

i really shouldn't write this while i'm so incensed.

anyway, i lost my temper and yelled, really yelled. i can't even remember the last time i did that. luckily, chana yelled right back which calmed me down very quickly.

she kind of sulked and muttered through the rest of it and i wondered, as i often do in these cases, if this was worth it or if she'll have negative associations. blah blah.

better luck tomorrow.

neufeld "collecting"; comparison w/ sarah; rashi

we skipped yesterday. this morning chana didn't want to go to ceramics. she was tired, she doesn't want to go, etc. we battled about that and therefore i felt it would not be a good idea to bring chumash in the car. as per neufeld, i decided to use the time to emotionally attach to her. especially considering that one of the things she said to me is, "i feel like you don't care about me!"

i said in the car, "i want to be doing chumash." and she said back, "well, now we are even. because i don't want to be doing ceramics." (just quoting this exchange for those of you who may be reading this and feel that you are the only ones arguing with your children. and this was not even a bitter exchange, and didn't even escalate ).

anyway, for some reason she didn't have her ipod with her (maybe she also wanted to connect with me) so we spent the time there and back conversing. then we agreed on a general time for chumash.

when both boys went down for naps, i told her let's do it now because they are napping. because of the numerous times in the past where she asked to wait and then someone woke up and i felt very annoyed, she agreed immediately. she settled down into revii, which we finished today. she did it to herself except for the new pesukim. and she asked me for the words she doesn't know.

(by the way, comparison with sarah: 1. sarah looked up every word and either wrote it down in a notebook looked it up in the heb/eng dictionary every time. i tell chana the words she doesn't know. i almost never told her a word. 2. sarah did not do chazara. 3. sarah translated half of every pasuk and i did the other half, and chana does the entire pasuk.)

so that was about 3 new pesukim.

then we did rashi. i had her do 3 rashis, 2 reviews and 1 new one. she didn't want to do the 2nd review one in the harder chumash (bli nekudot). so she did 1 in the harder chumash and 2 in the easier one. aharon woke up in the middle but i didn't feel annoyed with chana because she started chumash immediately.

i feel pretty good about rashi today. she covered a nice amount. "and it isn't even rashi day..." she cited as her reason for trying to refuse to do it.

so how many times am i going to attempt chumash with a hungry student before i realize it's a BAD IDEA. the difference before eating and after is marked. which always gets me thinking about how much bechira a person has.

that aside, chana was waiting to go out to pizza w/ her cousin and i wanted to do chumash first because jack is napping. but she wanted to do it later. i insisted, and there was a lot of crying. finally she ate, and whizzed through the last 3 pesukim. i think she did them in 30 seconds. i think the crying was 100x longer than the time it took her to do the chumash. if i were better at math, i'd tell you for sure.

you know it's not going great when in the middle she says: "and DON'T blog about this!"

wrangling

well, i thought we started off ok. today i was in a mood where i just supplied chana with the words she asked for. usually i put more effort into trying to coax it out of her, on the (possibly flawed?) theory that the more neurons that fire, the deeper the pathways of memory. or i have her try to remember herself. it was going smoothly since i was just telling her the words, which got me thinking a. maybe i should always give her the words and b. does she really learn them any faster the other way? coz it definitely gets her more frustrated.

at the word "אדע" i said "what is the aleph and what is the shoresh" like i always do. and she started getting upset. and it went downhill from there. i think it finally blew up when we did "mispo" and i told her to look at rashi (we did it yesterday) and she yelled/whined that she can't find it. and i got annoyed and snapped at her to cut it out. (i had already tried to coax her out of her mood, joke her out of her mood, and told her gently that she's in a funk and has a negative attitude as soon as we start chumash, regardless of how it is actually going). i had had it.

what i need to be aware of (and i went through this phase with sarah, too, though i think it was age 11 and not 10), is that chana is hitting the point where when i speak strongly/firmly/harshly she is getting old enough and independent enough that she responds rebelliously. oh, yeah? speak to me that way? well i'll just slam my chumash shut and refuse to work more! and then we escalate. i (hopefully) learned from sarah how to quickly de-escalate the situation instead of making it worse.

i sent her to time out, she refused to go and started to go upstairs, i made it an issue, she backed down and went into time out (which probably means she locked herself in the bathroom so i can't "release" her).

i have 28 minutes left until i bring sarah to her regents. wish me luck in reconnecting with chana and possibly even getting any chumash done. we have 2 pesukim left to the aliyah and then a new pasuk. and a review of that rashi on mispo.

grr. i'm tempted to just leave it and do it hours later.

good cop, bad cop?

did just shlishi today since chana wants to go to the beach. first she asked to do just milim instead. then she asked to just do chazara. then she asked to do it after the beach. i got into a rather fruitless argument for a couple of rounds when i mentioned that whenever she says she'll do it later, she doesn't. i guess maybe we do it later 50% of the time (though i'm not sure of percentages), so maybe she's right that we do as frequently as we don't.

anyway, then she pleaded a headache and then she asked what some easy words are and then she slammed the chumash shut and said she's not doing it because she can't remember it. admittedly her focus was particularly not good.

i reacted annoyedly and not compassionately. i can't help but think that my annoyed reactions are a major contribution to negative associations w/ the skills. though i must ask sarah. i wonder if it really makes a difference. if i reacted compassionately and lovingly and w/ understanding but still made her do the work, would she like it any better? probably not. it's hard work.

and i'm not talking about getting annoyed for her not knowing the words when it really is too much for her. (i wrote about that recently, and i do think there is no justification for that). i'm talking about not coddling her when she's having an immature hissy fit. i could have done the faber and mazlish empathy about how it's hard when you can't remember. instead, i curtly told her to cut it out and keep translating.

oh, and aharon was kvetching the whole time, which didn't help my reserve of patience. elazar was actually extremely helpful, sitting quietly next to me putting his finger in his mouth and keeping the kvetching to a minimum. jack was napping. not too bad, considering the chaos that can be.

more of the same

btw, yesterday's pasuk went uneventfully. today we have nothing to do. first half pasuk of chumash went well. i was thinking about doing 4 pesukim today, w/ many breaks.

the second half, though not terribly difficult, had 3 unfamiliar words, and enough conjugation to break chana's teeth. she started tantruming about looking up נה meaning her/it. she said it meant "us" which is a good guess, considering the nun. after a bunch of tantrumming, i walked away. it's really hard for me to remember a so-to-speak zero tolerance policy meaning i should walk away when it starts, but a) i sympathize with her frustration and b) sometimes i don't even consciously notice it, believe it or not.

after we finished, i decided that maybe we should review this pasuk. it wasn't terribly hard, and i thought she'd benefit from chazara. i was in conflict, coz i know she hates chazara. but i felt it would solidify it a bit.

she wasn't thrilled at the thought. but i said "this is today's work." she kept saying "it's on the board." so i erased the board. and she pretty much whizzed through it (if you discount the time when she accidentally knocked her ds on the floor and it froze, and she hadn't saved it, and she needed to grieve...). she negotiated that she will do only another 1.5 pesukim today. i feel like she should/can do more but frankly i don't have the energy to fight this.

she wants to be done by a certain time so she can go out and play. i wonder if that will make her more motivated or more time crunched. we'll see.

...

so she pretty much whizzed through the pasuk and a half. i told her the new words. no tantrums whatsoever. she had to hassle me to sit down because i was doing other stuff and she wanted it done. as usual, when she chooses how much to do and when to do it, it's so much easier.

i really wanted her to do the second half of the last pasuk, but she was adamant. it's easy and so are the next 2 pesukim. so hopefully tomorrow will be pretty smooth.