Jessiepheus

I just dragged 2 garbage bags up the stairs from the basement yet again, and I think I need to reframe.  Getting the basement to a state where I won't need to clean it is just not compatible with the kids' activities.  Me leaving it alone and ignoring it is also not compatible with their lifestyle, because when it gets too bad, they won't work there anymore.  Unschoolers have likened playspace to providing children with new canvases for artwork when they need it.  When they "use it up" (i.e. make a mess), then it's time to provide them with a new, clean canvas.  That's my job as parent.  

I caught myself turning snappy quite a few times in the process today (though I was much better than last time).  Eventually the thought occurred to me: do you want your kids to remember straightening the basement to make their new, fresh "canvas" to be a happy process?  Or do you want them to remember a bitter, resentful, annoyed mommy?  I'd like door A, please.  

Next time I'm going to prioritize a cheerful attitude and to really work to control nastiness, snideness, meanness, snappiness, crankiness, etc. etc. etc.

In the meantime, I hope thinking of it as "making room for more creative workspace" will help me be more positive about it.  

Here's the quote that I read years ago that seems to have sunk into my brain in a new way today.  It's from Sandra Dodd's site:

Ok, I think I'll share my newly thought of philosophy of housework here...I was straightening up the livingroom and had just finished piling up blocks ..when my son (2) ran into the room, saw the blocks and immediately tore down the pile. I smiled and shook my head. My sister, who'd arrived in time to see this, sternly said, "Harry! Your mother just finished putting those away!" When she said that I felt offended. Didn't she know I only pile those blocks so that Harry can knock them down? And there was the Aha! I looked around the room at the clean living room and realized that was why I did any cleaning.

We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!

Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I'm handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It's meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it's a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn't finished. Maybe it's too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

Anyway, thought I'd share since it's really helped me bring more joy into the housework!

Dawn (in NS)

Radical Unschooling as a Philosophy and Way of Life

I came across this amusing video.  While I can definitely relate to a lot of what the kids do and how frustrating it can be, it made me realize just how much Radical Unschooling as a parenting philosophy has affected me. 

Some of the frustrations I've learned to frame in a different way so that they are less frustrating.  I've learned to understand children's nature so that I have different expectations.  And a lot of it is about communication--how a parent communicates things to children.  A lot of radical unschooling is about helping children understand things minus judgment, shame, or making them feel bad.  And the overall thing is how the mom walks around cranky and angry.

Believe me, I know that feeling.  There was once a comedian who described how his wife's face seemed to be stuck in a permanent sour sneer and I literally laughed until I cried when he explained the frustrations that led to that face.

As I was watching the crankiness and anger in this video, I noticed how radical unschooling philosophy has had an impact on my general attitude-- in how I feel about what the kids do, how I speak to them about what they do, and how much negative energy and crankiness I have about what they do.

video: [angry] Why is the floor so sticky?
how i hope to handle it: Guys! Please come here with a rag and spray!

[Full disclosure--in true hardcore radical unschooling, helping around the house is as optional as everything else.  So the kids have a right to say they are busy or even to refuse outright, just as they have that option when being told to learn xyz.  I'm not that hardcore, so we would probably negotiate that they finish doing what they are in the middle of doing and I'll remind them if they forget.]

video: WHO is responsible for these breadcrumbs, huh!?
hihthi: Hey, who ate here?  There are crumbs left
[Basically the same but I would like to prioritize a nicer tone, and the general concept that everyone agreed (which I only implemented when they were old enough to clean after themselves) that they can eat wherever they want on condition they clean up after themselves.]

video: [staggering comically under enormous pile of laundry]: There's no way I bought you this many clothes!
hihthi: [I konmaried a lot of clothes.  Their clothes are manageable amounts and the older ones do their own laundry if I don't get to it when they feel like they need it.]

video: You kids have WAY too many toys! Shut up, Buzz [to noisy toy]!
hihthi:[I put a lot of toys in storage; they have access to them whenever they want, but they are not out and about much.  We divided the room in half, i.e. compromise.  The point being to be strategic about it and to try a lot of different things, the same way you would with an adult you are sharing space with.]

Here's an updated photo of their space:

video: I can't do this anymore, I'm done! [scrubbing]
hihthi: Radical unschooling actually has a radical notion.  It's not just about the kids.  If you don't want to do it, then don't.  It's okay.  You can do it happy and wholeheartedly or you can let it slide.

video: Hey Billy, are you going to flush? Or are you saving this turd for later?
hihthi: Honestly, I laughed.  That happens all the time.  It's not too much trouble to flush or to give a shout out "Last person to use the bathroom, please go flush it."  I'm being nitpicky but I do think there is a tinge of shaming in the way it's phrased in the video.  I know it's a joke.  And maybe a lot of kids wouldn't mind that.  I personally prefer straightforward communication to sarcasm.

video: How did noodles get on the wall? Who missed their mouth that bad?!
hihthi: I laughed here, too.  Been there, done that.  How does food get there?  If the kid is old enough, I call them over (ideally in a pleasant tone) and ask them to get a napkin or a rag and spray.  And we clean it together.  Even a 2 year old can help.

video: [vacuuming in corner with hose extension with wild eyed expression]
hihthi: I can honestly say I've never done that in my life.

video: Who spilt the grape JUICE!
hihthi: call over kid, rag and spray

video: Oh, you guys have been watching slime videos again? That must explain the sticky floor.
hihthi: The kids make slime on a plastic tablecloth that they roll up after. (If you look closely at the above picture, they also duct taped plastic to the floor for easy cleanup for themselves.  I didn't tell them to do that.)

Jack's slime:

And the place where the glue spilled off the plastic:

So radical unschooling would be about making a space for kids to do their thing, about recognizing that these activities are extremely important for their learning/development/emotional/intellectual growth, and about being okay living in a space that has these types of mess because it is good for the kids.

Also, being angry about the sticky floor is a negative and shaming vibe that the mom gives off about the types of things the kids do, and resentment.  I know I'm being extremely harsh and perhaps overly sensitive about this.  But one of the things I've really loved about radical unschooling is about how it really changes the atmosphere in the home into something so much more pleasant for everyone.

video: Oh, one of the kids drew on the wall. Isn't that adorable! We have a little Picasso on our hands!
hihthi: I don't mind terribly drawing on the walls.  In the basement they are allowed.  We have magic eraser (and for a while, did not travel anywhere without it, since if there were writing utensils and we took our eyes off our kids, the toddlers drew on walls).  My house is not so pristine that drawing is a big deal.

My favorite drawing on walls situation EVER:

video: Oh, look at this! An open bag of chips!
hihthi: I think this is actually a huge chiddush that I learned from radical unschooling.  My children actually don't realize or don't think about how things get stale, how quickly they get stale, etc.  Instead of yelling or shaming them, it is astonishing how well it works to assume that they actually don't know or weren't thinking about it because they were involved in other things.  To say in a calm and kind tone, "Maybe you didn't realize or maybe you forgot" and to explain that when chips are left open, they aren't as tasty after.  And then show them how to seal it and supervise them so they know how to do it and help them out if they want or need help.

This has been transformative.  Giving information the same way I would give a friend information instead of snapping, yelling, or shaming has had an enormous impact on the pleasantness of our daily life.

I think snapping, yelling, and shaming make a kid curl up inside a little each time it happens. It makes them feel stupid or bad for doing things that are normal kid things. And it increases strife and a feeling of wanting to avoid interactions with the parent.  Why should our many, many interactions with our children be full of small needles of unpleasantness, unhappiness, and making them feel bad about themselves?

video: Who shoved GI Joe down the toilet?
hihthi: ::shrug:: We've had to call the plumber more than once for these kind of things.  That's how it goes.

unschooling davening

More on the idea that if I want my kids to do something, instead of hocking them about it, I should focus on it myself.

I have been taking my own advice and been davening out loud since October.  I like to daven first thing or I get lost in the day and have a hard time getting back to it.  But some mornings I go to work (or have to get ready to go) before they are awake.  Some mornings they are watching videos or wearing headsets.  Some mornings they actively leave the house when I start davening.

Some mornings, it's just lovely.  I say birchas haTorah out loud, then kriyas shema with brachos out loud.  Then I move to my silent shemona esrei.  It takes about ten minutes, no big deal.  Hallel on hallel days. (I'm considering expanding my repertoire to baruch she'amar, ashrei, yishtabach, and aleinu, but "tafasta meruba lo tafasta," grab too much and you grab nothing, so I'm sticking with what I'm doing for now.)  Some mornings they are just quietly playing video games while I daven.  Some mornings they keep catching my eye and I smile at them, and they sing along different parts with me. 

So many times I felt there was not a lot of point in doing this in terms of them learning the tefila.  I felt there was value in them seeing me daven every day, there is value in me davening out loud, but does it help them learn it at all?  Especially with videos blaring at the same time?  But part of the magic of davening is that it is תדיר, it is frequent, and over the course of many, many, many, many apparently meaningless times, you get times with great value and meaning. 

I'm actually surprised that it has only taken four months and they sometimes sing along.  Elazar utterly surprised himself when he discovered he apparently knows a good bit of Shema with trope, all learned effortlessly because it was happening around him.

I remember when they were toddlers and babies, I felt bad that our homeschool didn't have "davening" to start the day.  Now I have the time and I'm glad.  And the boys?  Who knows.  They see their mother davening.