Jessiepheus

I just dragged 2 garbage bags up the stairs from the basement yet again, and I think I need to reframe.  Getting the basement to a state where I won't need to clean it is just not compatible with the kids' activities.  Me leaving it alone and ignoring it is also not compatible with their lifestyle, because when it gets too bad, they won't work there anymore.  Unschoolers have likened playspace to providing children with new canvases for artwork when they need it.  When they "use it up" (i.e. make a mess), then it's time to provide them with a new, clean canvas.  That's my job as parent.  

I caught myself turning snappy quite a few times in the process today (though I was much better than last time).  Eventually the thought occurred to me: do you want your kids to remember straightening the basement to make their new, fresh "canvas" to be a happy process?  Or do you want them to remember a bitter, resentful, annoyed mommy?  I'd like door A, please.  

Next time I'm going to prioritize a cheerful attitude and to really work to control nastiness, snideness, meanness, snappiness, crankiness, etc. etc. etc.

In the meantime, I hope thinking of it as "making room for more creative workspace" will help me be more positive about it.  

Here's the quote that I read years ago that seems to have sunk into my brain in a new way today.  It's from Sandra Dodd's site:

Ok, I think I'll share my newly thought of philosophy of housework here...I was straightening up the livingroom and had just finished piling up blocks ..when my son (2) ran into the room, saw the blocks and immediately tore down the pile. I smiled and shook my head. My sister, who'd arrived in time to see this, sternly said, "Harry! Your mother just finished putting those away!" When she said that I felt offended. Didn't she know I only pile those blocks so that Harry can knock them down? And there was the Aha! I looked around the room at the clean living room and realized that was why I did any cleaning.

We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!

Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I'm handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It's meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it's a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn't finished. Maybe it's too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

Anyway, thought I'd share since it's really helped me bring more joy into the housework!

Dawn (in NS)

Radical Unschooling as a Philosophy and Way of Life

I came across this amusing video.  While I can definitely relate to a lot of what the kids do and how frustrating it can be, it made me realize just how much Radical Unschooling as a parenting philosophy has affected me. 

Some of the frustrations I've learned to frame in a different way so that they are less frustrating.  I've learned to understand children's nature so that I have different expectations.  And a lot of it is about communication--how a parent communicates things to children.  A lot of radical unschooling is about helping children understand things minus judgment, shame, or making them feel bad.  And the overall thing is how the mom walks around cranky and angry.

Believe me, I know that feeling.  There was once a comedian who described how his wife's face seemed to be stuck in a permanent sour sneer and I literally laughed until I cried when he explained the frustrations that led to that face.

As I was watching the crankiness and anger in this video, I noticed how radical unschooling philosophy has had an impact on my general attitude-- in how I feel about what the kids do, how I speak to them about what they do, and how much negative energy and crankiness I have about what they do.

video: [angry] Why is the floor so sticky?
how i hope to handle it: Guys! Please come here with a rag and spray!

[Full disclosure--in true hardcore radical unschooling, helping around the house is as optional as everything else.  So the kids have a right to say they are busy or even to refuse outright, just as they have that option when being told to learn xyz.  I'm not that hardcore, so we would probably negotiate that they finish doing what they are in the middle of doing and I'll remind them if they forget.]

video: WHO is responsible for these breadcrumbs, huh!?
hihthi: Hey, who ate here?  There are crumbs left
[Basically the same but I would like to prioritize a nicer tone, and the general concept that everyone agreed (which I only implemented when they were old enough to clean after themselves) that they can eat wherever they want on condition they clean up after themselves.]

video: [staggering comically under enormous pile of laundry]: There's no way I bought you this many clothes!
hihthi: [I konmaried a lot of clothes.  Their clothes are manageable amounts and the older ones do their own laundry if I don't get to it when they feel like they need it.]

video: You kids have WAY too many toys! Shut up, Buzz [to noisy toy]!
hihthi:[I put a lot of toys in storage; they have access to them whenever they want, but they are not out and about much.  We divided the room in half, i.e. compromise.  The point being to be strategic about it and to try a lot of different things, the same way you would with an adult you are sharing space with.]

Here's an updated photo of their space:

video: I can't do this anymore, I'm done! [scrubbing]
hihthi: Radical unschooling actually has a radical notion.  It's not just about the kids.  If you don't want to do it, then don't.  It's okay.  You can do it happy and wholeheartedly or you can let it slide.

video: Hey Billy, are you going to flush? Or are you saving this turd for later?
hihthi: Honestly, I laughed.  That happens all the time.  It's not too much trouble to flush or to give a shout out "Last person to use the bathroom, please go flush it."  I'm being nitpicky but I do think there is a tinge of shaming in the way it's phrased in the video.  I know it's a joke.  And maybe a lot of kids wouldn't mind that.  I personally prefer straightforward communication to sarcasm.

video: How did noodles get on the wall? Who missed their mouth that bad?!
hihthi: I laughed here, too.  Been there, done that.  How does food get there?  If the kid is old enough, I call them over (ideally in a pleasant tone) and ask them to get a napkin or a rag and spray.  And we clean it together.  Even a 2 year old can help.

video: [vacuuming in corner with hose extension with wild eyed expression]
hihthi: I can honestly say I've never done that in my life.

video: Who spilt the grape JUICE!
hihthi: call over kid, rag and spray

video: Oh, you guys have been watching slime videos again? That must explain the sticky floor.
hihthi: The kids make slime on a plastic tablecloth that they roll up after. (If you look closely at the above picture, they also duct taped plastic to the floor for easy cleanup for themselves.  I didn't tell them to do that.)

Jack's slime:

And the place where the glue spilled off the plastic:

So radical unschooling would be about making a space for kids to do their thing, about recognizing that these activities are extremely important for their learning/development/emotional/intellectual growth, and about being okay living in a space that has these types of mess because it is good for the kids.

Also, being angry about the sticky floor is a negative and shaming vibe that the mom gives off about the types of things the kids do, and resentment.  I know I'm being extremely harsh and perhaps overly sensitive about this.  But one of the things I've really loved about radical unschooling is about how it really changes the atmosphere in the home into something so much more pleasant for everyone.

video: Oh, one of the kids drew on the wall. Isn't that adorable! We have a little Picasso on our hands!
hihthi: I don't mind terribly drawing on the walls.  In the basement they are allowed.  We have magic eraser (and for a while, did not travel anywhere without it, since if there were writing utensils and we took our eyes off our kids, the toddlers drew on walls).  My house is not so pristine that drawing is a big deal.

My favorite drawing on walls situation EVER:

video: Oh, look at this! An open bag of chips!
hihthi: I think this is actually a huge chiddush that I learned from radical unschooling.  My children actually don't realize or don't think about how things get stale, how quickly they get stale, etc.  Instead of yelling or shaming them, it is astonishing how well it works to assume that they actually don't know or weren't thinking about it because they were involved in other things.  To say in a calm and kind tone, "Maybe you didn't realize or maybe you forgot" and to explain that when chips are left open, they aren't as tasty after.  And then show them how to seal it and supervise them so they know how to do it and help them out if they want or need help.

This has been transformative.  Giving information the same way I would give a friend information instead of snapping, yelling, or shaming has had an enormous impact on the pleasantness of our daily life.

I think snapping, yelling, and shaming make a kid curl up inside a little each time it happens. It makes them feel stupid or bad for doing things that are normal kid things. And it increases strife and a feeling of wanting to avoid interactions with the parent.  Why should our many, many interactions with our children be full of small needles of unpleasantness, unhappiness, and making them feel bad about themselves?

video: Who shoved GI Joe down the toilet?
hihthi: ::shrug:: We've had to call the plumber more than once for these kind of things.  That's how it goes.

Konmari and a Vision for the Space

My basement is a disaster.  No matter how I try to organize it, I have trouble.  My original goal, 7 years ago, was that I can clean it up in under 20 minutes.  I have been able to keep that up.  When I was a child, cleaning up our play area was an overwhelming task that I could never manage.  Having a limited amount of items in the space and having just a few categories of types of toys, each one with a designated area, makes cleanup manageable for me.  The boys don't put things into their designates spaces (balls, weapons, dressup, arts and crafts, legos, cars, etc) but they can clear the floor when they want to.  My spare fridge is down there and I walk through the space every few days if not a few times a day.  In one of the organization books I read, I was told to finish three sentences:

I want peace via...
It will feel nice in the home when...
I'm organized enough when...

In filling out these sentences, I discovered that I feel strongly about walking through my space without having to navigate around or over things.  It unconsciously upsets me to have to do that.  So in addition to trying to set things up so that they aren't left in the floor or in my way, I started picking things up that are in my path so I'm not spending the say walking around them or over them, and becoming more and more cranky because of something I'm not even consciously aware of.

With #konmari, the first thing you do is visualize how you want your home to be.  How it looks, how it feels, what kind of atmosphere you want to create.  (I actually never really did this room by room; I was more of a remove-the-negative "don't be a hoarder" that I didn't think beyond that, which may be why I'm stumbling a bit in the upkeep.)  This visualization helps because even if every item in the space brings joy, if I still have too many items, the overall space won't bring me joy.  And it's a useful way to help me figure out how to set up the space.

Back to the basement.  I'm finding opposing goals and that's causing--well, I can't blame the chaos in the basement on conflicting goals, can I?

The A&C bin always hangs out. They amass objects. I have no idea how to organize their project ingredients

I like being able to clean up.  I was trying to figure out a way to make the play area manageable, and I asked E what his vision for the space was.  He said: I'd really love a room where you would never, ever make us clean up.

They asked for stuffing to make things. Now they want more stuffing so they can fill the room with stuffing and hide things in it.

I want to be the kind of fun mom who lets this kind of thing happen.  I really do.  But in my experience, trying to be the fun mom who lets this kind of thing happen ends up with me accidentally turning into a monster mom who is actually not okay with space looking like this.  And that's no fun for anyone.

Do I work on this and try to become more intentional about letting the kids have the space they want?  Do I accept my emotional needs and be a role model for boundaries and realistic communication?

There are no right or wrong answers here.  (Except I always try to stick to my Hippocratic oath of parenting: First Do No Harm.)

Do they play better when they have empty space?  They seem to have fun down there.  When we had company, the boys did cheerfully spend a couple of hours cleaning up.

November Rain

It's one of those delightful homeschool days where it's raining outside and we are just pattering around the house.

Chana has switched things up in her schedule.  She was taking Mishlei 2x a week in the morning and although she was enjoying the class, waking up in the morning was excruciating.

I also had been a little concerned that she was spending the entire week recuperating, to the point where she had no energy to read the Stranger and no energy to learn Bio, despite the fact that questions keep coming up and the answers are in the Bio book, if only we would learn it!

She also missed Torah SheBaal Peh from last year.  That was amazing.  I specifically wanted her to get a feel for the halachic process and gain an appreciation for the complex system of halacha and that's not my area at all.  I am beyond thrilled that she got that from the class last year, and that she was missing it!

The school, as always, was incredibly wonderful and accommodating and agreed she should try it out.  She went yesterday and enjoyed it.  We'll see if the schedule change works for her.

Another change we made is that we've begun doing Bio at 10pm.  Pretty agonizing for me, as my brain turns off at 8 or so.  But I'm not as exhausted as I used to be (though Aharon is STILL on daylight savings time and waking up an hour early) and if I'm feeling awake at 10, I'll ask if she wants to learn, and 90% of the time she says yes.

And here's the kicker.  She literally has THREE times the attention span at 10pm.  She could only get through a paragraph before.  Now she can do a whole section.

She's given up on Teaching Textbooks for geometry.  It was clear, but slow and boring.  Her best friend tutors her once a week.  I have no idea how that is going.  I insisted that she take the PSATs (much to her annoyance) and I guess we'll see how she does.  She didn't have enough time to finish any of the sections and when she was tested by the state, they agreed she was slow but since she's working at grade level, she didn't get an IEP.  We have to decide if further testing is called for.  She also wants a specific calculator.  Not sure if it's even worth investing in that if she doesn't end up going to college/taking math.  It may be that going to community college first and then transferring is better for her.  It may be that she won't want to go go college right away or ever.  (As I'm thinking out loud here, I think it is a good idea to buy the calculator.  I already spent more than the calculator on Teaching Textbooks, and she wants it to take the ACTs, so it's probably worthwhile.)

The boys continue to bombard me all day long asking how to spell words.  They have been making videos and uploading them to youtube.  They've also been playing Draw Something.  So there have been a lot of things to read and write.

The house has also been getting pretty messy.  Since KonMari, I haven't needed to clean up so frequently.  The basement and their room keep getting messy as they make their videos and use all sorts of props.  And the floor keeps getting littered with paper scraps.  Even when they vacuum after themselves, they just don't clean or neaten up to what I like.  So after being spoiled for over a year with KonMari neatness, it has been a bit of an adjustment to clean up every day.  But it doesn't take that long.

Minecraft swords.  A bunch are taped together to make some of them 3D

Midsummer update: pros and cons of not unschooling halacha

I'm still using Konmari method to declutter.  It's almost done.  The siren song of "my house is always tidy" beckons to me.

Bear in mind that my youngest is 4.  When my children were ages 6 months to 3 years old, the house was like a hurricane and I had to straighten up 4x a day to be able to see the floor.  Now that the kids are older, the mess just isn't the same.  However, I did find myself bad tempered from mess or feeling like I "have" to clean up and like I didn't want to and that housework was taking me away from relaxing or being with the children.

Chana and I finished the first chemistry book.  It gave a great foundation and maybe we'll look through a few others and read about Antoine Lavoisier before getting into the math of chemistry.  I might just borrow a Barron's regents book for that.

Jack has stopped being interested in reading.  He is up to lesson 71 out of 100.  He can basically read, and apparently he is satisfied with his level of reading and whatever practice he gets reading things around him.  He does not want to do the reader anymore.

Elazar is still doing the daily Shulchan Aruch.  Unfortunately, I think that this is causing him to dread learning.  It is under 5 minutes.  He has a hard time sitting still.  And from morning to night he is busy with things he wants to do.  He doesn't ever come over to me bored.  So whenever I want to learn with him, it would be interrupting his flow.  I am considering giving him some money for it (not a lot, perhaps 5 to 10 cents, which would build up after a while).  I am not feeling that a strict unschooling policy is called for here.  I think the very mild discipline it takes for him to learn is beneficial for his character.

However, the down side of that and the reason I was pulled to unschooling in the first place, is that his attention has waned and he is not enjoying it.  And I believe he is associating annoyance to learning.

I have to think about this more.  My sense is that it is a good idea to push him, even if he doesn't like it.

decluttering homeschool materials II

On one side: my hoarding tendencies and my general difficulty parting with things.
On the other side: the tantalizing promise of easy cleanup, less overwhelmedness, and the ability to find things quickly.

It should be no contest.  Work through my emotional resistances and live a life of minimalism and simplicity.

I have read a few times that people feel that konmari doesn't work when you have children.  I can't talk about other family's conflicts, but in my particular case my children are not overly attached to their things.  The disorder or order in the house is really about how I am choosing to establish things.  In our gloriously abundant culture, having 20 toys or 100 toys or 1000 toys is all on the same continuum insofar as there are ample things to occupy them.  In fact, it causes stress, crankiness, mess, waste, and an inability to use all of your stuff (or even find all your stuff).

As a homeschooler, I would estimate a large portion of my home management is taken up by and frustrated by dealing with the stuff.  That's less time for teaching, less time for hanging out, less time for doing fun things, and more frustration, irritation, anger at the children, and exhaustion.

In my particular case, my children don't really care how much clothing they have.  If they go to their bins and there are clothing, they are fine.  They have a couple of favorite pants and sweatshirts.  (I'm not talking about teens here.  I shut the door.  It's confined to the room.)

The question is regarding toys and homeschooling materials and books.  I probably could remove 80% of their toys and they would not miss them.  But once in a while, they rediscover a toy and spend hours and hours with it.  They go through revivals every few years.  How do I know what to keep?  I can't predict it.

I have grammar games and fraction games and math manipulatives and coloring books and all sorts of homeschooling paraphernalia.  One of the principles of unschooling is "strewing," where there are educational materials around (like the map on the wall, or the biology chart that the kids drag over to me so I can show them how the human body works).  If I get rid of things, what will they pick up?  I have held on for two years to a bucket of fraction pieces that annoys me  tremendously (but I can't get rid of it because, you know, fractions).  Chana never used it.  The boys play with it periodically (once in a few months).  I'm not sure how much it does for them.  I know it drives me crazy, taking up space and barely being used.  In fifteen years my children have rarely picked up a math workbook or a coloring book.  Very, very rarely.  But I have over 30 of them, waiting on shelves, because once in a while, once in six months, they will drag it out and start tracing letters.

I have wonderful books full of information and facts about science and social studies that are explained clearly and beautifully.  My daughters barely looked at them.  Occasionally I paid them a dollar to read one.  Did that help their education?  Maybe a bit.  But have these things been hanging around, bothering me with their general lack of use?  Yes.
But what if they pick them up?

I wonder if I'm lacking trust.  I live in the fearful world of what "might" be instead of removing all that and making space for what IS.  Because surely by now I know that my children are never bored.  They always find something to do with whatever is around.

What exactly would happen if I don't have these things in my house?  At the moment when they might have been ripe for fractions and would have had the materials to learn them... they look around and find something else to do.  (In theory, something productive and joyous just like they do pretty much all the time.) What if they would have taken that workbook and done some math problems or writing but it's not around?  They "miss" the opportunity.  What if they don't learn that science or social studies?  They'll learn it as an adult or perhaps (and I guess this is what terrifies me) not at all?  Or they'll read about it on the internet?  Or take a college class?  I almost feel like I am waiting until they all know how to read so I can just get rid of all those workbooks and coloring books without guilt.  But in the meantime, they are in a giant laundry basket (no room on the shelves--those are filled with seforim and other books that we might use) and I walk by them every day and cringe.

According to konmari, the way to not revert is to do it all at once and do it to the point where the joy is manifest because everything has an obvious place (hint: if you are trying to fit things into places then there is still too much stuff).  Chipping away at this instead of doing it all at once means that decluttering for the next while is going to be something that I have to do regularly instead of getting it all done forever.  I read the book over Shavuos and got up the courage to do the first step (my own clothing) in July.  She says that decluttering in the order she recommends helps build the skill of only keeping what sparks joy.  And if you do it in a different order then you haven't built the skills or practiced enough.  For example, trying to declutter things with a lot of emotional charge like picture albums (!! Those weren't even on my radar!  I have 22 albums and that's not including that in the last 4 yrs we are primarily digital and that we rarely take pictures) before you have eased into the skill by doing the other things will not be so effective.

Now I'll go clear off my dining room table.  Apparently if I had less stuff, I would have obvious places to put the things that end up hanging around my table.  And then I wouldn't have to clear my table regularly.  The concept beckons like a hazy utopia.

decluttering homeschool materials I

Summer has been coming along.  Jack (5.5) had a week of camp that he liked. He slowed down on reading a bit; he is over 60 lessons through 100 Easy Lessons and no longer asks to do it every night.  According to unschooling principles, he will do it when he is interested in improving his skills.  Elazar (8) is going to camp in the afternoons, skipping the morning (davening/learning).  Chana and I are enjoying chemistry in the morning and continuing with Sefer Devarim at other times in the day.  She also takes Japanese and violin.  I have a meeting next week with the principal to discuss what classes she'll be taking in the high school I teach at.

Yesterday, I finally got up the stamina to konmari my clothing.  It's a method of decluttering.  I have been fighting the tendency to hoard for over a decade, and I think I really turned a corner when I hired organizers before Aharon was born (about 5 years ago).  I learned things like "things shouldn't fall out when you open the door."  Perhaps that's obvious.  I still haven't quite gotten the hang of "when you look, be able to see at a glance everything that is there."

One of the things I thought was that decluttering is a constant process.  Like being tidy or being neat or being clean (none of which things I am, especially), it needs constant vigilance and work.  I learned a lot from flylady, but she has morning routines and evening routines and daily routines and weekly routines.  It has been a constant struggle to get myself into habits of daily straightening.  Or even to figure out what daily straightening looks like.

A big piece is decluttering.  The fewer objects there are, the easier it is to clean up.  Things are less overwhelming.  I have embraced decluttering (though I'm not very good at it yet) and the principles of minimalism.

I began to understand that decluttering and tidying have the same problem.  You have to always be doing them.  I'd rather sit down and relax or read.  People who are tidy are often doing a bit of tidying.  I'm chilling instead.

But then konmari's book says that if you do her method once and thoroughly, you never go back.  You don't revert.  You don't need to declutter every few months.  You do it all and are so swept away with the joy of
a) being surrounded only by things that you love and spark joy and
b) the extremely easy way to put everything away because there aren't so many things and it is obvious where they go and simple to put them there
that you never go back.

Intriguing.  Can you imagine Pesach cleaning in that type of situation?  Can you imagine living like that?

But implementing it is challenging.  All sorts of psychological issues crop up.  What is emotionally preventing me from removing things in my life that don't spark joy?

I did clothing yesterday.  I cheated and put some of the clothing that I wear to work but don't spark joy in the back of my closet.  If I get through September and October and don't use them, then hopefully I'll be able to let them go.

After I did it, I asked myself questions such as:
Why do I have the boys' summer clothing in two bins, when I also have two dressers for them?  And why do I have a third bin with future winter clothes?  What in the WORLD can possibly be in those two dressers?

(Don't get me wrong.  I adore the simplicity of bins.  Wash the clothes and dump them in the bins.  T-shirts and shorts for Elazar in one bin, and for Jack and Aharon in the other.  No folding.  If they dump it, very easy to cleanup.  So then the question is what are the dressers for?  Storing things I don't use???)

After clothing comes books in the konmari method.  And this gets me back to one of my conflicts about homeschooling and decluttering.

But it's time to wake up Chana and do chemistry.  I'll write part II later.