The Eternal Sunshine of the Non Spotless Basement

That's right, folks. 

This is the AFTER picture.  Just imagine that stuff all over the floor so you can't walk (except for my path, to the right of the duct tape, which has been kept largely clear).  This was cleaned only because we have Shabbos guests coming. 

They tell me they love scavenging for pieces of cardboard and wood and cloth to make all sorts of creations. 

Jessiepheus

I just dragged 2 garbage bags up the stairs from the basement yet again, and I think I need to reframe.  Getting the basement to a state where I won't need to clean it is just not compatible with the kids' activities.  Me leaving it alone and ignoring it is also not compatible with their lifestyle, because when it gets too bad, they won't work there anymore.  Unschoolers have likened playspace to providing children with new canvases for artwork when they need it.  When they "use it up" (i.e. make a mess), then it's time to provide them with a new, clean canvas.  That's my job as parent.  

I caught myself turning snappy quite a few times in the process today (though I was much better than last time).  Eventually the thought occurred to me: do you want your kids to remember straightening the basement to make their new, fresh "canvas" to be a happy process?  Or do you want them to remember a bitter, resentful, annoyed mommy?  I'd like door A, please.  

Next time I'm going to prioritize a cheerful attitude and to really work to control nastiness, snideness, meanness, snappiness, crankiness, etc. etc. etc.

In the meantime, I hope thinking of it as "making room for more creative workspace" will help me be more positive about it.  

Here's the quote that I read years ago that seems to have sunk into my brain in a new way today.  It's from Sandra Dodd's site:

Ok, I think I'll share my newly thought of philosophy of housework here...I was straightening up the livingroom and had just finished piling up blocks ..when my son (2) ran into the room, saw the blocks and immediately tore down the pile. I smiled and shook my head. My sister, who'd arrived in time to see this, sternly said, "Harry! Your mother just finished putting those away!" When she said that I felt offended. Didn't she know I only pile those blocks so that Harry can knock them down? And there was the Aha! I looked around the room at the clean living room and realized that was why I did any cleaning.

We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!

Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I'm handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It's meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it's a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn't finished. Maybe it's too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

Anyway, thought I'd share since it's really helped me bring more joy into the housework!

Dawn (in NS)

Radical Unschooling as a Philosophy and Way of Life

I came across this amusing video.  While I can definitely relate to a lot of what the kids do and how frustrating it can be, it made me realize just how much Radical Unschooling as a parenting philosophy has affected me. 

Some of the frustrations I've learned to frame in a different way so that they are less frustrating.  I've learned to understand children's nature so that I have different expectations.  And a lot of it is about communication--how a parent communicates things to children.  A lot of radical unschooling is about helping children understand things minus judgment, shame, or making them feel bad.  And the overall thing is how the mom walks around cranky and angry.

Believe me, I know that feeling.  There was once a comedian who described how his wife's face seemed to be stuck in a permanent sour sneer and I literally laughed until I cried when he explained the frustrations that led to that face.

As I was watching the crankiness and anger in this video, I noticed how radical unschooling philosophy has had an impact on my general attitude-- in how I feel about what the kids do, how I speak to them about what they do, and how much negative energy and crankiness I have about what they do.

video: [angry] Why is the floor so sticky?
how i hope to handle it: Guys! Please come here with a rag and spray!

[Full disclosure--in true hardcore radical unschooling, helping around the house is as optional as everything else.  So the kids have a right to say they are busy or even to refuse outright, just as they have that option when being told to learn xyz.  I'm not that hardcore, so we would probably negotiate that they finish doing what they are in the middle of doing and I'll remind them if they forget.]

video: WHO is responsible for these breadcrumbs, huh!?
hihthi: Hey, who ate here?  There are crumbs left
[Basically the same but I would like to prioritize a nicer tone, and the general concept that everyone agreed (which I only implemented when they were old enough to clean after themselves) that they can eat wherever they want on condition they clean up after themselves.]

video: [staggering comically under enormous pile of laundry]: There's no way I bought you this many clothes!
hihthi: [I konmaried a lot of clothes.  Their clothes are manageable amounts and the older ones do their own laundry if I don't get to it when they feel like they need it.]

video: You kids have WAY too many toys! Shut up, Buzz [to noisy toy]!
hihthi:[I put a lot of toys in storage; they have access to them whenever they want, but they are not out and about much.  We divided the room in half, i.e. compromise.  The point being to be strategic about it and to try a lot of different things, the same way you would with an adult you are sharing space with.]

Here's an updated photo of their space:

video: I can't do this anymore, I'm done! [scrubbing]
hihthi: Radical unschooling actually has a radical notion.  It's not just about the kids.  If you don't want to do it, then don't.  It's okay.  You can do it happy and wholeheartedly or you can let it slide.

video: Hey Billy, are you going to flush? Or are you saving this turd for later?
hihthi: Honestly, I laughed.  That happens all the time.  It's not too much trouble to flush or to give a shout out "Last person to use the bathroom, please go flush it."  I'm being nitpicky but I do think there is a tinge of shaming in the way it's phrased in the video.  I know it's a joke.  And maybe a lot of kids wouldn't mind that.  I personally prefer straightforward communication to sarcasm.

video: How did noodles get on the wall? Who missed their mouth that bad?!
hihthi: I laughed here, too.  Been there, done that.  How does food get there?  If the kid is old enough, I call them over (ideally in a pleasant tone) and ask them to get a napkin or a rag and spray.  And we clean it together.  Even a 2 year old can help.

video: [vacuuming in corner with hose extension with wild eyed expression]
hihthi: I can honestly say I've never done that in my life.

video: Who spilt the grape JUICE!
hihthi: call over kid, rag and spray

video: Oh, you guys have been watching slime videos again? That must explain the sticky floor.
hihthi: The kids make slime on a plastic tablecloth that they roll up after. (If you look closely at the above picture, they also duct taped plastic to the floor for easy cleanup for themselves.  I didn't tell them to do that.)

Jack's slime:

And the place where the glue spilled off the plastic:

So radical unschooling would be about making a space for kids to do their thing, about recognizing that these activities are extremely important for their learning/development/emotional/intellectual growth, and about being okay living in a space that has these types of mess because it is good for the kids.

Also, being angry about the sticky floor is a negative and shaming vibe that the mom gives off about the types of things the kids do, and resentment.  I know I'm being extremely harsh and perhaps overly sensitive about this.  But one of the things I've really loved about radical unschooling is about how it really changes the atmosphere in the home into something so much more pleasant for everyone.

video: Oh, one of the kids drew on the wall. Isn't that adorable! We have a little Picasso on our hands!
hihthi: I don't mind terribly drawing on the walls.  In the basement they are allowed.  We have magic eraser (and for a while, did not travel anywhere without it, since if there were writing utensils and we took our eyes off our kids, the toddlers drew on walls).  My house is not so pristine that drawing is a big deal.

My favorite drawing on walls situation EVER:

video: Oh, look at this! An open bag of chips!
hihthi: I think this is actually a huge chiddush that I learned from radical unschooling.  My children actually don't realize or don't think about how things get stale, how quickly they get stale, etc.  Instead of yelling or shaming them, it is astonishing how well it works to assume that they actually don't know or weren't thinking about it because they were involved in other things.  To say in a calm and kind tone, "Maybe you didn't realize or maybe you forgot" and to explain that when chips are left open, they aren't as tasty after.  And then show them how to seal it and supervise them so they know how to do it and help them out if they want or need help.

This has been transformative.  Giving information the same way I would give a friend information instead of snapping, yelling, or shaming has had an enormous impact on the pleasantness of our daily life.

I think snapping, yelling, and shaming make a kid curl up inside a little each time it happens. It makes them feel stupid or bad for doing things that are normal kid things. And it increases strife and a feeling of wanting to avoid interactions with the parent.  Why should our many, many interactions with our children be full of small needles of unpleasantness, unhappiness, and making them feel bad about themselves?

video: Who shoved GI Joe down the toilet?
hihthi: ::shrug:: We've had to call the plumber more than once for these kind of things.  That's how it goes.

basement take a bazillion

So Elazar was pretty happy with the no clean up policy.  And they've been crafting like fiends very happily.

But then.

Shabbos came.  And I didn't want football upstairs.  (Even though there is Yes Ball Playing in the House.)

But there was no place to play downstairs.  Because the floor is FULL of...garbage? Craft ingredients?  Whatever it is, it's not clear for ball.

A friend of mine suggested I partition the basement so they can both have their needs met.  Great idea! 

So today, I asked Aharon what kind of space he needs for tossing the football.  And then I told Elazar I'd be moving all his craft stuff to one area and he has to confine his crafts to that area.  He does not have to clean up his craft area.  But Aharon's football space must remain clear.  We duct taped Aharon's space (from one end of the room to the other, lengthwise).  

Hopefully this will work.  And if not, I'm getting used to adjusting to different needs in different phases.  We'll keep trying.

(The duct tape in the middle and the right is my path.  I'm graciously allowing my path to be included in the football area.  All crafts shall (hopefully) stay 

to the left of the line.)

the eternal basement issue

My path is not staying clear.  Twice this week I sent the boys down to clear my path.

Further, I sent the boys and their friends downstairs to play this week.  And they didn't want to go.  Why?  Because there was no room to play.  The basement is not a functional space if they have no place to go because it is too messy to be there.

So I told them I was going to clean it up sometime this week, and could they please pick everything off the floor that they wanted to keep, since I'd be throwing everything else out.

Chaos ensued.  They all reacted according to their natures.  Elazar said no problem, throw everything out, he'll get to it or not.  Aharon came immediately over and asked for help.  He said that he wants all of his legos, but there is no room for the legos on the shelves.  So I said we need to clear off some shelves and I'll help him.

Jack began to scream and cry.  He had numerous issues.  First, the basement is supposed to be a space that they don't have to clean up.  It is supposed to be a space for them to spread out their arts and crafts.  They only play ball on Shabbos.  Why do I have to say I'll throw everything out; why can't I help him put things away.  If we keep putting things away, then there won't be space for them.  (Then let's throw things out, I thought).

I made a number of mistakes.

• I was not kind.  
• I felt out of control.  I didn't negotiate peacefully, listen carefully to what they were saying, try to understand.  I wanted to go in and throw everything out.
• I let the basement get too bad to the point where I was upset instead of taking care of it weeks ago when it was getting to me.
• They were overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed.  Jack especially felt very tense that his space was under attack, I couldn't hear him, and that things were going to go in a way that was upsetting to him.  No one was too happy with how I handled it.
• I forgot my principles--that when I am comfortable with what I am asking, and can be clear about how they can achieve it, I can be kind.  Insistent and firm, but not mean.  I need not pressure, raise my voice, have a mean expression on my face, talk over them as they try to explain the issue.
• I felt guilty for making them clean up when they the space messy.  I felt bad claiming my need for a path and a working space for them to be because it conflicted with their needs for that space.  Instead of trusting that we could work together, talk it out, and come to an agreement, my guilt had me pushing and insisting on my way at the expense of listening to them and stressing them out. 
• The basement took more than 20 minutes to clean up.

What I did ok:

• I didn't scream.  I didn't really lose patience.
• I have categories that are not too hard to direct: legos, balls, weapons, a&c, costumes.  They finished that in under 20 minutes and the rest was for me to throw out.
• I did listen, I did hear.  Yes, I could have been kinder.  But I did hear what they wanted and we did work it out.
• I threw out lots of little lego pieces.  I always feel compelled to keep small pieces "in case" they need them for creative work.  But there are plenty.  It's ok.
• I gave myself permission to throw out a stroller that always falls apart into 2 pieces that I keep for guests who come over.  It annoys me.  If/when I have a grandchild who wants one, I gave myself permission to buy a new one when that day comes.  
• The basement is clean(er), it didn't take too long, it didn't overwhelm me or the kids too badly.  I hope I learned some things about how to run the negotiations next time, so that I can talk to them kindly and with confidence that we will work it out and our needs will be met.