The Eternal Sunshine of the Non Spotless Basement

That's right, folks. 

This is the AFTER picture.  Just imagine that stuff all over the floor so you can't walk (except for my path, to the right of the duct tape, which has been kept largely clear).  This was cleaned only because we have Shabbos guests coming. 

They tell me they love scavenging for pieces of cardboard and wood and cloth to make all sorts of creations. 

Jessiepheus

I just dragged 2 garbage bags up the stairs from the basement yet again, and I think I need to reframe.  Getting the basement to a state where I won't need to clean it is just not compatible with the kids' activities.  Me leaving it alone and ignoring it is also not compatible with their lifestyle, because when it gets too bad, they won't work there anymore.  Unschoolers have likened playspace to providing children with new canvases for artwork when they need it.  When they "use it up" (i.e. make a mess), then it's time to provide them with a new, clean canvas.  That's my job as parent.  

I caught myself turning snappy quite a few times in the process today (though I was much better than last time).  Eventually the thought occurred to me: do you want your kids to remember straightening the basement to make their new, fresh "canvas" to be a happy process?  Or do you want them to remember a bitter, resentful, annoyed mommy?  I'd like door A, please.  

Next time I'm going to prioritize a cheerful attitude and to really work to control nastiness, snideness, meanness, snappiness, crankiness, etc. etc. etc.

In the meantime, I hope thinking of it as "making room for more creative workspace" will help me be more positive about it.  

Here's the quote that I read years ago that seems to have sunk into my brain in a new way today.  It's from Sandra Dodd's site:

Ok, I think I'll share my newly thought of philosophy of housework here...I was straightening up the livingroom and had just finished piling up blocks ..when my son (2) ran into the room, saw the blocks and immediately tore down the pile. I smiled and shook my head. My sister, who'd arrived in time to see this, sternly said, "Harry! Your mother just finished putting those away!" When she said that I felt offended. Didn't she know I only pile those blocks so that Harry can knock them down? And there was the Aha! I looked around the room at the clean living room and realized that was why I did any cleaning.

We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!

Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I'm handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It's meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it's a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn't finished. Maybe it's too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

Anyway, thought I'd share since it's really helped me bring more joy into the housework!

Dawn (in NS)

How Things Roll

Last week, Ari brought in groceries and it's the kids' job to put the basement fridge ones in the basement.  We had a new gallon of milk.  I called the kids to put the milk away but 3 of them were playing a game. 



I don't like the milk being left out, and I was getting agitated.  It wasn't such a big deal for me to put it away, but I think it's important that I get help, or else I become a resentful, nasty person.

I asked where E was and he was outside playing.  I kept asking them to do it and they kept being in the middle of the game, and finally I got all huffy, snapped at the room at large, and stomped down with the milk.

When I got up, E had just walked in.  And I said, "NOW you walk in?"  He was utterly bewildered.

I was thinking this morning how glad I am that I'm not normally like this.  It's really unpleasant to live with a mom who is resentful, can't get her needs met, yells, stomps around, and gets angry like that.  I remembered a few major times over the course of my parenting when I did that, and different techniques I've used to change my habits.  (Including but not limited to: practicing controlling my temper, decluttering, changing my parenting style, reframing expectations, practicing straightforward and direct communication, simplifying my life so that I'm not overwhelmed, streamlining processes, thinking about long term affects of my behavior...)

This morning, Chen (teen) sat me down somberly and told me that she saw that E reacted with some shame when I yelled at him, and she felt that was unfair, since he did nothing wrong.  She told me she thinks that in general when I get intense he's particularly susceptible to feeling ashamed, and therefore she thinks I should make an extra effort around him to avoid speaking in those ways.  (Even though obviously it would be good if I could avoid doing it to everyone else, too.)

This is part of the trying to stop blaming thing that I've been working on since Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur this year.  I particularly noticed that it's been affecting Elazar. 

I thanked Chen (I'm blessed that she has a real gift for speaking to me about things in a way where I don't get defensive.  I think part of it is she watched me and Sarah during Sarah's teen years work so hard to de-escalate, and part of it is her natural ability and personality).  And she's going to point it out to me when she sees me do it in the future, and I'll try to cut down more.

I was thinking afterwards about how the unschoolers would approach this.  (Assuming they would agree that kids "should" help with the groceries, which they do not.)  The radical unschoolers have a way of looking at things very creatively.  So I realized if I absolutely wanted them to take the milk down later, and I absolutely could not let the milk stay out the 3 minutes until their game was done (which I could have, but I'm anal about milk in the fridge, which is my issue, and not the kids' problem), I actually could have stuck the milk upstairs and then when they were available, they would have been happy to run it down.  That would have been a decent solution.  Instead, I got resentful and mean. 

I'm glad I've been exposed to the radical unschooler way of thinking, even if I only could think of it after the fact.  I've had a lot of success running through scenarios in my head that went not well and figuring out what I could have done that would have worked better for me.  (Stick that on the list of techniques I use to change my habits..)

the eternal basement issue

My path is not staying clear.  Twice this week I sent the boys down to clear my path.

Further, I sent the boys and their friends downstairs to play this week.  And they didn't want to go.  Why?  Because there was no room to play.  The basement is not a functional space if they have no place to go because it is too messy to be there.

So I told them I was going to clean it up sometime this week, and could they please pick everything off the floor that they wanted to keep, since I'd be throwing everything else out.

Chaos ensued.  They all reacted according to their natures.  Elazar said no problem, throw everything out, he'll get to it or not.  Aharon came immediately over and asked for help.  He said that he wants all of his legos, but there is no room for the legos on the shelves.  So I said we need to clear off some shelves and I'll help him.

Jack began to scream and cry.  He had numerous issues.  First, the basement is supposed to be a space that they don't have to clean up.  It is supposed to be a space for them to spread out their arts and crafts.  They only play ball on Shabbos.  Why do I have to say I'll throw everything out; why can't I help him put things away.  If we keep putting things away, then there won't be space for them.  (Then let's throw things out, I thought).

I made a number of mistakes.

• I was not kind.  
• I felt out of control.  I didn't negotiate peacefully, listen carefully to what they were saying, try to understand.  I wanted to go in and throw everything out.
• I let the basement get too bad to the point where I was upset instead of taking care of it weeks ago when it was getting to me.
• They were overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed.  Jack especially felt very tense that his space was under attack, I couldn't hear him, and that things were going to go in a way that was upsetting to him.  No one was too happy with how I handled it.
• I forgot my principles--that when I am comfortable with what I am asking, and can be clear about how they can achieve it, I can be kind.  Insistent and firm, but not mean.  I need not pressure, raise my voice, have a mean expression on my face, talk over them as they try to explain the issue.
• I felt guilty for making them clean up when they the space messy.  I felt bad claiming my need for a path and a working space for them to be because it conflicted with their needs for that space.  Instead of trusting that we could work together, talk it out, and come to an agreement, my guilt had me pushing and insisting on my way at the expense of listening to them and stressing them out. 
• The basement took more than 20 minutes to clean up.

What I did ok:

• I didn't scream.  I didn't really lose patience.
• I have categories that are not too hard to direct: legos, balls, weapons, a&c, costumes.  They finished that in under 20 minutes and the rest was for me to throw out.
• I did listen, I did hear.  Yes, I could have been kinder.  But I did hear what they wanted and we did work it out.
• I threw out lots of little lego pieces.  I always feel compelled to keep small pieces "in case" they need them for creative work.  But there are plenty.  It's ok.
• I gave myself permission to throw out a stroller that always falls apart into 2 pieces that I keep for guests who come over.  It annoys me.  If/when I have a grandchild who wants one, I gave myself permission to buy a new one when that day comes.  
• The basement is clean(er), it didn't take too long, it didn't overwhelm me or the kids too badly.  I hope I learned some things about how to run the negotiations next time, so that I can talk to them kindly and with confidence that we will work it out and our needs will be met.  

The Eternal Competition of Two Ideals

Wherein I lament, yet again, about Wanting Kids to Be Kids and have room for their art projects and infinite legos, and Wanting To Walk A Path to the Fridge.  Two competing ideals.  I cannot have both.

I want to be Charming and Loving Earth Mother.  I end up being Cranky Monster Mama.

I asked them to clean up the basement because I couldn't walk down the stairs anymore without climbing over boxes.  I couldn't open the door to the fridge.  They did.  I then spent another 20 minutes throwing out all the little pieces of garbage they missed.  (And they had vacuumed, too.)

I threw out a kite.  Every 5-10 years, some Well Meaning friend or relative buys us a kite.  I don't know how to fly a kite.  This large, delicate monstrosity sits around and mocks me until it mercifully is broken.  I threw out this kite incarnation and it isn't broken yet.  I lost track of how long it's been living with us.  I feel better.

Cleaning the Bathroom

I had a list of things I wanted to do this summer.  I don't love "to do" lists.  Mostly they happen when I have too much to do and can't keep track of it mentally.  And I prefer my life to be so simple I can actually keep track of what needs to get done in my head.  (Except what I put on google calendar.  Obviously, I love google calendar.)

But this summer, with the kids finally getting older (Chana asked me why we haven't done homeschool trips in years, when so much of her elementary school education was done via trips, and I said, "I haven't been able to leave the house without losing my mind in the last eight years.") and me having free time, things I wanted to do kept occurring to me until I finally started keeping a list.  It is a delicious list, though.  It's a list of things *I* want to do.  Not as a mom, or a person in charge of a household.  But as a creative, intellectual human being who wants to stretch.  (Or merely as a person with some spare time.  For example: "bring broken necklace and bracelet to jewelry store to be fixed.")

One thing I didn't put on the list but did come about because of this new phase of life is that I ended up training the boys to clean the urine from around the toilet.  Their ages are 10 (adhd), 7.5 ,and 6 (mature).  Turns out it is the perfect time of life for these particular children to learn this skill.

Ages ago, before I had any sons, a friend of mine mentioned that the urine gets intense in the bathroom and that she had to clean it regularly.  So when the boys started using the bathroom, I duly got spray and kept it nearby and wiped up regularly, grateful for the heads up.  Instead of lamenting that life was this way, which I undoubtedly would have done without the warning, I just accepted that this was how things were, and handled it.  Whenever I came in to use the bathroom and it smelled like urine, a quick swish and swipe and everything is great.

At the beginning of the summer, I went in and smelled urine, and thought to myself, "Why am I doing this?  They are all capable."  I decided then and there to train each one of them.  I pulled Elazar in and taught him.  And then the other two, the next two times.

Get spray bottle and rag from cabinet.  Spray around toilet, including front and including walls.  Wipe with rag, especially near bolt caps.  Return rag and spray to cabinet.

And now, whenever I go into the bathroom and it needs a swish and swipe, I call one of them in.  So far they've done it about five times and I'm still supervising them.  I think one more time and Elazar can do it himself without supervision, and Aharon is not too far behind.

One of my friends (who also has three boys) told me that when she toilet trained her boys, she taught them to check for pee on seat and floor and wipe it up with provided baby wipes.  Another friend told me that her husband was taught to always put the toilet seat down after he wiped around the toilet bowl with toilet paper, and he modeled that for their two boys.  Perhaps one day we will move on to some of that.  For now, I'm delighted that when I ask one of the boys to clean around the toilet, they do so.