The Eternal Sunshine of the Non Spotless Basement

That's right, folks. 

This is the AFTER picture.  Just imagine that stuff all over the floor so you can't walk (except for my path, to the right of the duct tape, which has been kept largely clear).  This was cleaned only because we have Shabbos guests coming. 

They tell me they love scavenging for pieces of cardboard and wood and cloth to make all sorts of creations. 

Jessiepheus

I just dragged 2 garbage bags up the stairs from the basement yet again, and I think I need to reframe.  Getting the basement to a state where I won't need to clean it is just not compatible with the kids' activities.  Me leaving it alone and ignoring it is also not compatible with their lifestyle, because when it gets too bad, they won't work there anymore.  Unschoolers have likened playspace to providing children with new canvases for artwork when they need it.  When they "use it up" (i.e. make a mess), then it's time to provide them with a new, clean canvas.  That's my job as parent.  

I caught myself turning snappy quite a few times in the process today (though I was much better than last time).  Eventually the thought occurred to me: do you want your kids to remember straightening the basement to make their new, fresh "canvas" to be a happy process?  Or do you want them to remember a bitter, resentful, annoyed mommy?  I'd like door A, please.  

Next time I'm going to prioritize a cheerful attitude and to really work to control nastiness, snideness, meanness, snappiness, crankiness, etc. etc. etc.

In the meantime, I hope thinking of it as "making room for more creative workspace" will help me be more positive about it.  

Here's the quote that I read years ago that seems to have sunk into my brain in a new way today.  It's from Sandra Dodd's site:

Ok, I think I'll share my newly thought of philosophy of housework here...I was straightening up the livingroom and had just finished piling up blocks ..when my son (2) ran into the room, saw the blocks and immediately tore down the pile. I smiled and shook my head. My sister, who'd arrived in time to see this, sternly said, "Harry! Your mother just finished putting those away!" When she said that I felt offended. Didn't she know I only pile those blocks so that Harry can knock them down? And there was the Aha! I looked around the room at the clean living room and realized that was why I did any cleaning.

We don't clean up messes to have a clean house. We clean up messes so there is room for more mess!

Now I think of cleaning up after my kids as replacing a canvas. I do it with the thought that by giving them room again and a bare floor and organized toys to pick from I'm handing them the tools to write another mess onto our house. It's meant that at the end of a day, or sometimes a few days in a row, I just let the mess stay, because really, it's a work of art or a story. Maybe it isn't finished. Maybe it's too interesting to be gotten rid of so soon. It also clears up my feelings of resentment about doing the bulk of it. I like being the one to reset the house so that we all can live another, different mess the next day.

Anyway, thought I'd share since it's really helped me bring more joy into the housework!

Dawn (in NS)

the eternal basement issue

My path is not staying clear.  Twice this week I sent the boys down to clear my path.

Further, I sent the boys and their friends downstairs to play this week.  And they didn't want to go.  Why?  Because there was no room to play.  The basement is not a functional space if they have no place to go because it is too messy to be there.

So I told them I was going to clean it up sometime this week, and could they please pick everything off the floor that they wanted to keep, since I'd be throwing everything else out.

Chaos ensued.  They all reacted according to their natures.  Elazar said no problem, throw everything out, he'll get to it or not.  Aharon came immediately over and asked for help.  He said that he wants all of his legos, but there is no room for the legos on the shelves.  So I said we need to clear off some shelves and I'll help him.

Jack began to scream and cry.  He had numerous issues.  First, the basement is supposed to be a space that they don't have to clean up.  It is supposed to be a space for them to spread out their arts and crafts.  They only play ball on Shabbos.  Why do I have to say I'll throw everything out; why can't I help him put things away.  If we keep putting things away, then there won't be space for them.  (Then let's throw things out, I thought).

I made a number of mistakes.

• I was not kind.  
• I felt out of control.  I didn't negotiate peacefully, listen carefully to what they were saying, try to understand.  I wanted to go in and throw everything out.
• I let the basement get too bad to the point where I was upset instead of taking care of it weeks ago when it was getting to me.
• They were overwhelmed, unhappy, and stressed.  Jack especially felt very tense that his space was under attack, I couldn't hear him, and that things were going to go in a way that was upsetting to him.  No one was too happy with how I handled it.
• I forgot my principles--that when I am comfortable with what I am asking, and can be clear about how they can achieve it, I can be kind.  Insistent and firm, but not mean.  I need not pressure, raise my voice, have a mean expression on my face, talk over them as they try to explain the issue.
• I felt guilty for making them clean up when they the space messy.  I felt bad claiming my need for a path and a working space for them to be because it conflicted with their needs for that space.  Instead of trusting that we could work together, talk it out, and come to an agreement, my guilt had me pushing and insisting on my way at the expense of listening to them and stressing them out. 
• The basement took more than 20 minutes to clean up.

What I did ok:

• I didn't scream.  I didn't really lose patience.
• I have categories that are not too hard to direct: legos, balls, weapons, a&c, costumes.  They finished that in under 20 minutes and the rest was for me to throw out.
• I did listen, I did hear.  Yes, I could have been kinder.  But I did hear what they wanted and we did work it out.
• I threw out lots of little lego pieces.  I always feel compelled to keep small pieces "in case" they need them for creative work.  But there are plenty.  It's ok.
• I gave myself permission to throw out a stroller that always falls apart into 2 pieces that I keep for guests who come over.  It annoys me.  If/when I have a grandchild who wants one, I gave myself permission to buy a new one when that day comes.  
• The basement is clean(er), it didn't take too long, it didn't overwhelm me or the kids too badly.  I hope I learned some things about how to run the negotiations next time, so that I can talk to them kindly and with confidence that we will work it out and our needs will be met.  

The Eternal Competition of Two Ideals

Wherein I lament, yet again, about Wanting Kids to Be Kids and have room for their art projects and infinite legos, and Wanting To Walk A Path to the Fridge.  Two competing ideals.  I cannot have both.

I want to be Charming and Loving Earth Mother.  I end up being Cranky Monster Mama.

I asked them to clean up the basement because I couldn't walk down the stairs anymore without climbing over boxes.  I couldn't open the door to the fridge.  They did.  I then spent another 20 minutes throwing out all the little pieces of garbage they missed.  (And they had vacuumed, too.)

I threw out a kite.  Every 5-10 years, some Well Meaning friend or relative buys us a kite.  I don't know how to fly a kite.  This large, delicate monstrosity sits around and mocks me until it mercifully is broken.  I threw out this kite incarnation and it isn't broken yet.  I lost track of how long it's been living with us.  I feel better.

Konmari and a Vision for the Space

My basement is a disaster.  No matter how I try to organize it, I have trouble.  My original goal, 7 years ago, was that I can clean it up in under 20 minutes.  I have been able to keep that up.  When I was a child, cleaning up our play area was an overwhelming task that I could never manage.  Having a limited amount of items in the space and having just a few categories of types of toys, each one with a designated area, makes cleanup manageable for me.  The boys don't put things into their designates spaces (balls, weapons, dressup, arts and crafts, legos, cars, etc) but they can clear the floor when they want to.  My spare fridge is down there and I walk through the space every few days if not a few times a day.  In one of the organization books I read, I was told to finish three sentences:

I want peace via...
It will feel nice in the home when...
I'm organized enough when...

In filling out these sentences, I discovered that I feel strongly about walking through my space without having to navigate around or over things.  It unconsciously upsets me to have to do that.  So in addition to trying to set things up so that they aren't left in the floor or in my way, I started picking things up that are in my path so I'm not spending the say walking around them or over them, and becoming more and more cranky because of something I'm not even consciously aware of.

With #konmari, the first thing you do is visualize how you want your home to be.  How it looks, how it feels, what kind of atmosphere you want to create.  (I actually never really did this room by room; I was more of a remove-the-negative "don't be a hoarder" that I didn't think beyond that, which may be why I'm stumbling a bit in the upkeep.)  This visualization helps because even if every item in the space brings joy, if I still have too many items, the overall space won't bring me joy.  And it's a useful way to help me figure out how to set up the space.

Back to the basement.  I'm finding opposing goals and that's causing--well, I can't blame the chaos in the basement on conflicting goals, can I?

The A&C bin always hangs out. They amass objects. I have no idea how to organize their project ingredients

I like being able to clean up.  I was trying to figure out a way to make the play area manageable, and I asked E what his vision for the space was.  He said: I'd really love a room where you would never, ever make us clean up.

They asked for stuffing to make things. Now they want more stuffing so they can fill the room with stuffing and hide things in it.

I want to be the kind of fun mom who lets this kind of thing happen.  I really do.  But in my experience, trying to be the fun mom who lets this kind of thing happen ends up with me accidentally turning into a monster mom who is actually not okay with space looking like this.  And that's no fun for anyone.

Do I work on this and try to become more intentional about letting the kids have the space they want?  Do I accept my emotional needs and be a role model for boundaries and realistic communication?

There are no right or wrong answers here.  (Except I always try to stick to my Hippocratic oath of parenting: First Do No Harm.)

Do they play better when they have empty space?  They seem to have fun down there.  When we had company, the boys did cheerfully spend a couple of hours cleaning up.

decluttering homeschool materials II

On one side: my hoarding tendencies and my general difficulty parting with things.
On the other side: the tantalizing promise of easy cleanup, less overwhelmedness, and the ability to find things quickly.

It should be no contest.  Work through my emotional resistances and live a life of minimalism and simplicity.

I have read a few times that people feel that konmari doesn't work when you have children.  I can't talk about other family's conflicts, but in my particular case my children are not overly attached to their things.  The disorder or order in the house is really about how I am choosing to establish things.  In our gloriously abundant culture, having 20 toys or 100 toys or 1000 toys is all on the same continuum insofar as there are ample things to occupy them.  In fact, it causes stress, crankiness, mess, waste, and an inability to use all of your stuff (or even find all your stuff).

As a homeschooler, I would estimate a large portion of my home management is taken up by and frustrated by dealing with the stuff.  That's less time for teaching, less time for hanging out, less time for doing fun things, and more frustration, irritation, anger at the children, and exhaustion.

In my particular case, my children don't really care how much clothing they have.  If they go to their bins and there are clothing, they are fine.  They have a couple of favorite pants and sweatshirts.  (I'm not talking about teens here.  I shut the door.  It's confined to the room.)

The question is regarding toys and homeschooling materials and books.  I probably could remove 80% of their toys and they would not miss them.  But once in a while, they rediscover a toy and spend hours and hours with it.  They go through revivals every few years.  How do I know what to keep?  I can't predict it.

I have grammar games and fraction games and math manipulatives and coloring books and all sorts of homeschooling paraphernalia.  One of the principles of unschooling is "strewing," where there are educational materials around (like the map on the wall, or the biology chart that the kids drag over to me so I can show them how the human body works).  If I get rid of things, what will they pick up?  I have held on for two years to a bucket of fraction pieces that annoys me  tremendously (but I can't get rid of it because, you know, fractions).  Chana never used it.  The boys play with it periodically (once in a few months).  I'm not sure how much it does for them.  I know it drives me crazy, taking up space and barely being used.  In fifteen years my children have rarely picked up a math workbook or a coloring book.  Very, very rarely.  But I have over 30 of them, waiting on shelves, because once in a while, once in six months, they will drag it out and start tracing letters.

I have wonderful books full of information and facts about science and social studies that are explained clearly and beautifully.  My daughters barely looked at them.  Occasionally I paid them a dollar to read one.  Did that help their education?  Maybe a bit.  But have these things been hanging around, bothering me with their general lack of use?  Yes.
But what if they pick them up?

I wonder if I'm lacking trust.  I live in the fearful world of what "might" be instead of removing all that and making space for what IS.  Because surely by now I know that my children are never bored.  They always find something to do with whatever is around.

What exactly would happen if I don't have these things in my house?  At the moment when they might have been ripe for fractions and would have had the materials to learn them... they look around and find something else to do.  (In theory, something productive and joyous just like they do pretty much all the time.) What if they would have taken that workbook and done some math problems or writing but it's not around?  They "miss" the opportunity.  What if they don't learn that science or social studies?  They'll learn it as an adult or perhaps (and I guess this is what terrifies me) not at all?  Or they'll read about it on the internet?  Or take a college class?  I almost feel like I am waiting until they all know how to read so I can just get rid of all those workbooks and coloring books without guilt.  But in the meantime, they are in a giant laundry basket (no room on the shelves--those are filled with seforim and other books that we might use) and I walk by them every day and cringe.

According to konmari, the way to not revert is to do it all at once and do it to the point where the joy is manifest because everything has an obvious place (hint: if you are trying to fit things into places then there is still too much stuff).  Chipping away at this instead of doing it all at once means that decluttering for the next while is going to be something that I have to do regularly instead of getting it all done forever.  I read the book over Shavuos and got up the courage to do the first step (my own clothing) in July.  She says that decluttering in the order she recommends helps build the skill of only keeping what sparks joy.  And if you do it in a different order then you haven't built the skills or practiced enough.  For example, trying to declutter things with a lot of emotional charge like picture albums (!! Those weren't even on my radar!  I have 22 albums and that's not including that in the last 4 yrs we are primarily digital and that we rarely take pictures) before you have eased into the skill by doing the other things will not be so effective.

Now I'll go clear off my dining room table.  Apparently if I had less stuff, I would have obvious places to put the things that end up hanging around my table.  And then I wouldn't have to clear my table regularly.  The concept beckons like a hazy utopia.

decluttering homeschool materials I

Summer has been coming along.  Jack (5.5) had a week of camp that he liked. He slowed down on reading a bit; he is over 60 lessons through 100 Easy Lessons and no longer asks to do it every night.  According to unschooling principles, he will do it when he is interested in improving his skills.  Elazar (8) is going to camp in the afternoons, skipping the morning (davening/learning).  Chana and I are enjoying chemistry in the morning and continuing with Sefer Devarim at other times in the day.  She also takes Japanese and violin.  I have a meeting next week with the principal to discuss what classes she'll be taking in the high school I teach at.

Yesterday, I finally got up the stamina to konmari my clothing.  It's a method of decluttering.  I have been fighting the tendency to hoard for over a decade, and I think I really turned a corner when I hired organizers before Aharon was born (about 5 years ago).  I learned things like "things shouldn't fall out when you open the door."  Perhaps that's obvious.  I still haven't quite gotten the hang of "when you look, be able to see at a glance everything that is there."

One of the things I thought was that decluttering is a constant process.  Like being tidy or being neat or being clean (none of which things I am, especially), it needs constant vigilance and work.  I learned a lot from flylady, but she has morning routines and evening routines and daily routines and weekly routines.  It has been a constant struggle to get myself into habits of daily straightening.  Or even to figure out what daily straightening looks like.

A big piece is decluttering.  The fewer objects there are, the easier it is to clean up.  Things are less overwhelming.  I have embraced decluttering (though I'm not very good at it yet) and the principles of minimalism.

I began to understand that decluttering and tidying have the same problem.  You have to always be doing them.  I'd rather sit down and relax or read.  People who are tidy are often doing a bit of tidying.  I'm chilling instead.

But then konmari's book says that if you do her method once and thoroughly, you never go back.  You don't revert.  You don't need to declutter every few months.  You do it all and are so swept away with the joy of
a) being surrounded only by things that you love and spark joy and
b) the extremely easy way to put everything away because there aren't so many things and it is obvious where they go and simple to put them there
that you never go back.

Intriguing.  Can you imagine Pesach cleaning in that type of situation?  Can you imagine living like that?

But implementing it is challenging.  All sorts of psychological issues crop up.  What is emotionally preventing me from removing things in my life that don't spark joy?

I did clothing yesterday.  I cheated and put some of the clothing that I wear to work but don't spark joy in the back of my closet.  If I get through September and October and don't use them, then hopefully I'll be able to let them go.

After I did it, I asked myself questions such as:
Why do I have the boys' summer clothing in two bins, when I also have two dressers for them?  And why do I have a third bin with future winter clothes?  What in the WORLD can possibly be in those two dressers?

(Don't get me wrong.  I adore the simplicity of bins.  Wash the clothes and dump them in the bins.  T-shirts and shorts for Elazar in one bin, and for Jack and Aharon in the other.  No folding.  If they dump it, very easy to cleanup.  So then the question is what are the dressers for?  Storing things I don't use???)

After clothing comes books in the konmari method.  And this gets me back to one of my conflicts about homeschooling and decluttering.

But it's time to wake up Chana and do chemistry.  I'll write part II later.