In the Ongoing Complicated Relationship I have

One of the things I like about Radical Unschooling is word choice, which helps frame things in a kinder, more effective way. Children are not "being difficult," they are "communicating needs." Children don't "misbehave" they are hungry, tired, drained, still lacking mature communication skills.

I've learned a lot of things that help me understand why I struggle when certain relationship dynamics come up with some of my children. I've discussed a lot of them in this post where I also linked to a few earlier examples of me trying to navigate these murky dynamics with one of my children where I frequently end up demoralized, overwhelmed, and unhappy with how it went.

An aspect that my friend recently pointed out to me is his attachment style. I was complaining that it seemed like he has radar for when I'm depleted. And then he asks me for something. And NO. I'm depleted. I'm wiped out. Why can't he ask when I have energy?

And then I get into a whole thing. I can have boundaries. I can say no. And I can say no nicely. (Except I can't, because I'm depleted) and so I say it not so nicely and then he gets upset and then he pushes harder and then I feel both worse AND angrier. I feel worse because I guess he really needs it AND I feel angrier because I'm so depleted and why is he doing this.
We go round and round and eventually I say a grudging and angry yes (and feel bad because if I was going to say yes I would have preferred to say a generous and immediate yes instead of creating a situation where he feels like his mother is begrudging and annoyed). Or I say an angry No and feel awful that he's not getting his needs met.
Sometimes, if I am fortunate and notice this as it's building, I can change my No to be a kinder No OR I can skip a number of the me saying I'm tired and him pushing more and more intensely and I can just get it for him. But I still felt overall like none of these were great choices. I am glad I can be kinder and clearer in my No and yeah I still wish I could catch the dance a little earlier and make it a Yes if I'm going to anyway. But what is with him and me? Why are we doing this? Why does he need me when I'm wiped out and why do we keep having this fight over and over?

My friend suggested that it was actually EXACTLY when I am depleted that his anxious attachment gets triggered. He has to test to see if I really do love him. Right at that moment.

And of course, I often fail. And don't give him his needs. And that "proves" to him that he's right to be anxious. Because he can't get his needs met. It's a pernicious, unhappy cycle.

He has a feel for when I'm extra depleted and then asks for attention specifically in a way that is extra irritating. So then he is "right" that I "don't love" him.

Yes, to some degree it's staying on top of his love language (gifts) so he's not depleted which definitely makes things worse between us.

But also he davka has a nose for waiting for my depleted moments and that's when he "needs" me. And of course I was failing and he was "right."

So now, armed with that insight, when I see him do it I don't tell myself "He needs me and wtf I'm too wiped out now."
I tell myself "He needs me BECAUSE I'm wiped out now."

He's nervous and so he checks.

And it was perpetuating him being right he can't depend on me.

So now that I know that, I have been finding it easier to find it in myself to give davka when he asks davka when I'm most depleted.

Because that's the love he seeks: do you even love me now when you have no mental space/energy for me.

Now that I know that's what he's seeking, I expect it more and it's not as shocking and surprising.

It's in my awareness. Like on my Pesach mental list is: 'go through chometz, kasher kitchen, make menus, find time and energy for J at the exact moment when I'm about to crack emotionally' etc.

On Waking Teenage Boys in Time for Shema

I knew this was going to be an issue. It's a known scientific phenomenon that teenagers have a delayed sleep cycle. Science has recommended (unfortunately to little avail) that teenagers start school no earlier than 10:30am. Teenagers go to sleep later and wake up later. ("this sleep deprivation is due in part to pubertal changes in the homeostatic and circadian regulation of sleep." and "In this review of human and animal literature, we demonstrate that delayed sleep phase during puberty is likely a common phenomenon in mammals, not specific to human adolescents.")

Shema is earlier than 10:30.

Yesterday, my husband and I were discussing whether or not to wake up our teenager for Shema.

As I see it, the question is: What action now is going to most likely end up with an adult who wakes up and says Shema b'zmano (in time)?

The trouble is, either action we take has a risk:

• Wake him up, and he may get annoyed and rebel and resent and not grow up to say Shema.
• Let him sleep, and he may get the feeling that it is not a priority and doesn't really matter and we didn't make enough effort to express our values.

I believe that half the people in shul as adults attribute it to their parents nudging/pushing/encouraging/valuing it.

And half the people who hate shul blame their parents for nudging/pushing/nagging about it.

How do we know which personality falls into which half? We don't.

Honestly, sometimes I envy those parents who tell their children their values and their children follow those values. This is not my first rodeo and to stick with the metaphor, some horses buck. 

So for now we are taking the position that teenagers sleeping late is shogeg (violation via carelessness, not via intentionality) אנוס רחמנא פטריה (against his will unable to do the mitzva) for biological reasons and hope that in the future, when his circadian rhythms revert to more normal hours, he'll desire to say Shema in its time.

For now, when it comes up, we have conversations about davening where I try to explain the value of taking the time to think about these ideas at the beginning, middle, and end of the day.

Last week I read R' Soloveitchik's idea about tefila being an appointment with Hashem, and how you don't show up late to an appointment. Hashem generously made hours for the appointment.

My son commented that he personally would have tried to get an appointment for later in the day if he had a choice. 

As I was writing this just now, I asked him: "If there was a king, and you could speak to the king about your needs, and ask for anything, would you wake up early to do it?"

"Probably," he admitted. Pause. "But, if I were seeing the king every day..."

Nachas Note

Remember when it was too hard for me to leave the house with the boys?

Then covid hit and we haven't really tried.

Today we went to the dentist. Afterwards, the receptionist remarked, "You have really well behaved children."

Then she asked if they were homeschooled. "I saw you giving a lesson and I almost wanted to join in!"

She said it seems to her that homeschooled children have an easier time sitting still.

I said not really in the younger years, but in the older years not having to sit in school for so many hours does make it easier for them to sit.

When I conveyed the nachas to the children, Elazar said, "Give a lesson? You weren't giving a lesson. We were asking questions and you were answering them."

They were quizzing me about the stock market crash, the Great Depression, and I was explaining how WWII helped end the depression, and then Jack had some questions on why there is the Illuminati eye and a pyramid on the dollar bill.

And Elazar said, "I don't have an easier time sitting still." Which is true enough. But he did sit (well, pace quietly enough) while we were waiting.