No Vacation in Unschooling

Every once in a while, I realize that unschooling has made me see things really differently than most of society.  It crept upon me so gradually, I don't realize it until I end up hearing things that seem jarring.

People ask me how my summer is going.  They ask when we are starting school.  I say, No, we go year round.  No difference between summer and the rest of the year.  They commiserate with my poor kids.  This feels strange to me.

Jack asked me to sit in the back seat with him when we were driving home from my parents so that we can learn a perek of Chumash together.  He doesn't feel like learning is something he needs a break from.  When he wants to learn it, he asks me.  He doesn't feel like he's on "vacation" from learning or needs a break.  Learning is part of life.

In the middle of learning Chumash, Aharon interrupts us to ask for division problems.  Ari is giving Elazar math problems from the front seat.

The pediatrician and Chen were discussing her medication for college.  He said she should wait until she gets her schedule, then give him a call so they can discuss dosage and strategy.  I said, "But what is she supposed to do for the next two weeks?"  He said, "What are you talking about? College doesn't start for two more weeks."  I said, "But she's been learning calculus most days.  She needs some pills so she can do math."  He doesn't understand.  She graduated high school.  She's not in school yet.  Why is she learning Calc now?  For fun.

Who learns complicated math for fun during the summer?  The doctor is baffled.

The pediatrician also asks her what classes she is interested in for college.  "Chemistry," Chen says.  "Science major?" the doctor asks.  Chen shrugs.  "No, I just want to learn it."  Pediatrician frowns.  "Why would you take a hard science if you don't need it for your major?"  "It seems interesting," Chen says.  For many people, college is about finishing on time, requirements, a major.  For Chen it is about learning what her heart calls her to learn.

"Can you send me that perek where Moshe tells Hashem he gave birth to the Jews and nursed them like a baby?" Chen asks.  "I want to send the source to my friend."

"When can we do the blood type kit?" Jack begs me.  I bought it a couple of weeks ago but planned to wait until September.  He keeps asking me. 

I'm highlighting the "educational" stuff.  They don't distinguish between "educational" and "interesting" and "fun."  It's all the same to them.  I forget, until I see other people's attitudes, that there is a distinction in most people's lives.

college

I'm a member of an unschooling group, and they were discussing what makes someone an experienced unschooler.  Among disqualifications:

• your kids are young
• you unschool "except" a subject
• valuing one type of learning over another

And then the line that hit me between the eyes: If you are not worried about what your 18 year old will do with their life, you are experienced.

Ha! That's right where I am right now.  (Except I am worried, and I'm not experienced.)

So I've been "deschooling," which means working to get out of the schooly mindset.

Among the schooly mindset:

• college is vital to get a good job in life
• college must be done at age 18 (or after the year in israel/gap year)
• college must be done full time

Chen has a confluence of personality quirks and learning disabilities (or neurodivergences, as makes more sense to me) which led us to unschooling.  

She's been saying that she wants to take a gap year before college.  Why?  Because she doesn't learn well via lecture, or reading, or auditory listening.  She learns best as an autodidact plus someone to ask one on one questions to.  That is not college.  And she'd like a year off to...drumroll, please... learn what she wants to learn.

Yes, ladies and gentleman.  An unschooled child would like to take a year off to learn.  

She's spent the summer learning.  Math, science, art, business, who knows what else.  We went to the doctor to get a refill of her ADHD meds, and he said to come back when she knows her fall schedule so they can work out the dosage.  We said but wait, she's almost out of pills and what about the next two weeks of summer.  She's been studying for two to three hours a few times a week.  

He couldn't even comprehend that someone would be studying for no reason.  Not for college, not for high school requirements, just to learn.  (This is the same doctor who for years quizzed my children on things they did not know--math, history, etc.).

I always used to say that homeschoolers (kal v'chomer unschoolers) tend to play more when they are young and get more serious about studies when they are older.

Now I would say that playing is a form of learning.  And it often isn't until 11th and 12th grade (or even beyond) when they start learning the way society recognizes learning.  But they are always learning.

So I've been trying to settle down and mentally give Chen the space to take the next four years to continue her studies as she wishes.  Don't go to college?  Okay.  Take only one class?  Okay.  

I've been sitting with this for about four months and I'm a lot calmer now (though surely there is more to deschool) and it almost becomes difficult to understand why I was pressuring her.  Why, when she has always been very on point about recognizing her abilities and what was too much for her, would I not trust her now?  Why, when she has researched and found options and taught herself and requested testing and requested medication and found resources and asked for her needs, would I doubt her abilities and assessments at this point?

So I backed off and supported her.  If she wants to defer, let her defer.  I began to view college as an opportunity for her to explore interesting things.  They have a new program this year--QCin4: to help students stay on track so they graduate in four years.  

I applaud this program for neurotypical students and I'm glad the school is helping college students stay on track to graduate.  But that route is not for Chen.  Maybe in the future, if she wants it.  But right now, college has many wonderful classes and opportunities.  It's a chance to explore a range of subjects.  There are athletics, art and drawing (there is a class on writing and drawing manga!), writing, business, math, science.  History, anthropology.  Once I relaxed, I began to see how many interesting things there are in the framework of unschooling, as opposed to trying to get a degree.

I was curious to see what Chen would decide to do.  Once I got out of my own way and stopped worrying about her choices, I became much more relaxed.  Would she defer?  Maybe.  Would she take Bio?  Chem?  Calculus?  How would it be in college?  Would it work for her?  I am looking forward to seeing.

Yesterday was registration and although Chen was adamant about either deferring or taking only one class, the advisor was great and she is taking two classes and looking forward to them.  Pre-calc so she can stop seeking an online curriculum that will fill in her gaps and microeconomics so she can learn more about entrepreneurship.  They are 2 days a week, giving her recovery days.

She also made an appointment with student services to get extra testing time, and hopefully a copy of notes and breaks during tests.  They offer counseling to help students stay on top of studying and work organization.  Hopefully her accommodations will be in place after next week, which will be helpful in whatever she ends up doing in college.

Homeschooling neurodivergent kids is great because you can really give them the focused attention they need and tailor their education to their learning differences.  But it's a worry about whether or not they'll be able to get accommodations in college, if they haven't gone through the system and have alternate documentation.  I'll feel better once that's in place.

But the cool thing about unschooling is that it's not fraught.  If it doesn't work out, no big deal.  There's always another approach.  It's tremendous freedom.

bar mitzva prep

I'm still not sure what to do with E's learning.  The bar mitzva is in about a year.  Ari has his goals neatly mapped out: teach him maftir, teach him birchas hatorah, before and after, teach him birchas hahaftorah, before and after.  He can daven at his own pace with an English translation, and do as much or little as he is ready for.

My goals are murkier.  I often joke that I'm an educational control freak.  The dark side of that (okay, I admit that being a control freak of anything is mostly all dark side) is that I tend to have grand plans that are unrealistic and unpleasant for the people I yearn to impose them on.  I've avoided a lot of that by unschooling. 

But now Elazar agreed to learn "in preparation for his bar mitzva" and I am not sure what to do.  I want to learn his parsha with him.  But does that mean learning to leyn? To read and translate?  Should I just read him the pesukim and the translation?  What exactly is best to do with this time?

I asked my friend and was advised: Do what is pleasant.

Basic, pithy, and obvious.  And difficult to implement!

I don't think he likes it very much.  It's hard for him to sit.  So far we've done 1 and a half pesukim in about 8 sessions.  I think it's short enough that he doesn't dread it, but he doesn't look forward to it or enjoy it.

And this morning I realized that it would be nice if he can fluently read bentching because when he is bar mitzva, he'll be old enough to lead mezumen.  So now I'm wondering if I should just go through his parsha with him and have me translate it so he understands it, and then work on his reading. 

Choices, choices.

"You should have taught me X"

It's one of the unschooling parent's nightmares that people tell me about sometimes.  What if, since I didn't "make" my kid sit down and learn xyz, they come to me when they are older and blame me?  What if they denounce me and say, "You should have taught it to me! You should have made me do it!"

Parenting is rife with stories from people who were grateful that their parents made them do things.  "I'm glad my parents made me leyn for my bar mitzva." "I'm glad my parents forced me to do my homework every night."  "I'm glad my parents forced me to..." Actually, I just went to google that to get some ideas: get a summer job; perform in musicals; swimming lessons; music lessons; restrict media...

Interesting.  As I'm reading, I see an equal amount of resentment at being forced to do things ("I still hate it and I hate it more because they made me do it") and I see resentment for being not forced to do things ("I wish I had more guidance and it didn't feel like they cared what I did or loved me").

I've heard more than once that parents are nervous about unschooling because what if the child grows up and "knows nothing" (obviously that's absurd because children are curious and can't help learning things if they aren't forced to learn things, but the fear is more if they don't know "basic" things like reading/writing/'rithmetic) and is then angry at the parent for not discharging their parental responsibility: I trusted you to handle my education!  Yeah, I fought you, but I was a child! You weren't supposed to let me do things that are not good for me!  If I'm a toddler and I want to run into the street into traffic, you aren't supposed to LET me!

First, I want to note that there seem to be two extremes that upset grown kids here: 1) being controlled and being forced to do things they don't want to do.  2) being uninvolved and not being pushed to do things or encouraged or given help and support to get out of comfort zones.

In general, people are familiar with unschooling being not about forcing.  But it is not the second option, either.  It is not neglect.  It is not letting kids find their own way with no parental support or supervision.  It is very hands on and very involved.  It's just that the parents don't decide what to do, they support what the child wants to do.

Next. (I think I wrote about this before, but I can't find the post.)  A big feature of unschooling is that the child learns something when it is interesting or when it is useful.  Therefore, if a child is concerned that they haven't learned xyz, you can simply reassure them that when it is interesting enough OR when they find they need it, they'll have the motivation to learn it and be willing to put in the time and effort to learn it.  And that time will be the right time, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing it until that point. 

In our society, we have a lot of social norms about what age people should know different things.  But that is actually pretty arbitrary.  There's something magical about a cheerful, energetic, and optimistic 25 year old who doesn't know something basic but assures their boss that they are prepared to learn it and should have a general sense of things in a couple of weeks.  And then walks back in with an excellent grasp and a sophisticated understanding of things.

Part of unschooling is a cheerful confidence that they have the ability to learn things when they want to. 

Finally, I'd like to quote Deb Rossing from an unschooling group (bold mine):

okay, and if he does 'blame' you, then what? Knowing that you've done what you could to support, encourage, facilitate what he said he wanted to do (or not do, or try and stop doing) all along the way, what does his 'blaming' do to you? It sounds like you're trying to line everything up perfectly so you don't get 'blamed' for anything - but reality is that you -could- do everything perfectly and STILL get 'blamed' because that is not something you can control, that is in the head of the other person, whether it is your child, your partner, or some other person. We can't talk a person out of their opinions and feelings. Best we can do is ask for feedback "How could I have done that better, in that time and situation?" Often, they don't know -because basically blame is trying to get out from under feeling badly -about themselves- not so much about you or what you did/didn't do.

I think Deb put her finger on a couple of important points.  One, we as homeschooling or unschooling parents are worried about all the responsibility--so we'd love to set it up so that whatever goes wrong is not our fault.  The fact is, homeschooling is scary.  Because nobody else is making the decisions about what to do with your children and how to educate them.  It's all on you.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  It's sobering that this really is on us.

It's important to be open to feedback (heck, most of homeschooling is basically taking feedback from your children about how to teach them).

But sometimes blame is just them feeling badly about themselves and wanting to avoid the reality--when you want to learn it, you can and will.

An important distinction is that sometimes kids want the end result of having the knowledge or skill, but they do not want to put in the time and effort to get that result.  They want to be a great electric guitar player; they don't want to practice.  They want to know calculus; they don't want to spend hours working on it.  They want to build things; they don't want to start slowly and methodically.

And we as adults, often shame them for that.  Or worry that this demonstrates a future lack of ability to persist.

So when they say, "I want to play piano" for the hundredth time, we retort: "Practice, and you'll get better!" 

We lecture or we pressure or we let them know that there is something bad about them for not being motivated to put in that time and effort.

Unschooling really is radical in this sense.  It suggests trust.  Trust that you don't have to push.  That when the child wants to do it, it will come.  Either it will come easily, or your child will be determined and will persist.

Chen kept saying she wanted to take the ACTs.  But for a long while she didn't do much about it.  If I actually was stressed that she wouldn't be able to take the ACTs and that she had to take the ACTs and it would be terrible for her future if she didn't take the ACTs, my reactions and my interactions with her would have looked very differently than if I was emotionally neutral about her plans and just wanted to support her.  I bought her a curriculum.  She didn't like it.  I got her ACT books out of the library.  I offered to teach her but she didn't want that.  I researched and discovered alternative paths to college--going to community college without needing to take SATs or ACTs.  I told her about that.  Eventually, she started teaching herself the math.  She got a friend to teach her.  She asked for a couple of tutoring sessions, which I paid for.  I wasn't on top of her and to me it was not about what she was learning or not learning.  It was about supporting her choices.

If a child is blaming the parent, it could be:

• You really did make a mistake.  In that case, be honest and apologize.  You can try to explain what your thinking was, but that only works if there are literally decades of trust between you and your child and your child is used to thinking of you as having the child's best interests at heart and not about pushing your own agenda onto the child.  If, as parents, we push our own issues and wants and dreams onto our children, then they may be suspicious that we haven't had their best interests at heart.  And would they be wrong?
• The child is wrestling with self doubt. Nervous about lack of abilities or accomplishment.  Usually the parents seizes this opportunity to "teach" the child that what is needed is effort or motivation.  Instead, consider exuding trust.  Remind the child that learning is easiest when it is interesting or useful to the person.  Find things that are interesting and fun to the child, and give reassurance that it won't be hard to learn when they are ready.

It's kind of scary to take that leap and believe that it really is okay if they don't know things or have certain skills or are able to do certain things.  I remember thinking--but...but...what if they never learn math?!  What if they never want to learn Torah?  What if they can't do...things?

For an unschooler the answer when your child asks this is:  Okay, do you want to do it now?  How can I help?

And if they say: No...I just want to know what if I grow up and I don't know it?

Answer: Then you'll learn it when you want to!