Are the kids cranky because Mommy is cranky or is Mommy cranky because the kids are cranky?
Jack woke up too early yesterday and he fought up and down many times and with me many times. I was feeling overwhelmed with things. Pesach is coming and I'm feeling like my skin is too sensitive and I feel everything extra. The noise, the arguments, the crying, the tantrums. The mess. The things to do.
I put Jack to bed early last night, and he woke up early again. All three piled into my bed, waking me in the middle of REM, and started fighting over who gets to snuggle my belly (they all love that jiggly belly. Big fights start over it). Screaming, fighting, arguing, pushing, crying. The day hasn't even started. Did they need more love from yesterday and I wasn't present because of Things I Need To Do? Or are they always like that and I'm usually able to respond with mindfulness and love, and things settle down?
I feel like ninety nine times a day I respond in a way that is beneficial for their development. Maybe more. I pat myself on the back so many times. I could have screwed this one up, but I didn't. I did well. My whole day is responding to needs. But lately, those responses are becoming more peppered with impatience, sharper tone, critical attitude, negativity.
I walk out of the house and see the paper ripped up and the dirt and the spoons they didn't put away, instead of the good time they had. I tell them they can't leave a mess, instead of framing it in the positive of after they play to make sure to clean up.
The microwave timer makes me cringe. Or maybe it's that it's in addition to the screaming. And the phone keeps ringing. I don't answer the phone because I can't even tend to my own needs, let alone my children's needs, let alone to whoever is calling me.
I've wiped the chocolate off the walls and the fridge (oh, yeah, that's why I only bought vanilla ice cream until chocolate was requested), and I have to replace the toilet paper (I don't know why there is chocolate ice cream on the toilet paper; yes, i'm 99.9% sure it's chocolate; probably whoever smeared it all over the place cleaned a lot of it up with toilet paper; it was probably my 3yo).
And it's erev Shabbos. We've been invited out for dinner and lunch is cholent. I have over 5 hours to just be with the children (well, I also have Things To Do like return the due books to the library, put away laundry, maybe put things back on the shelves in the basement, and clean up the main living space for Shabbos, and the clutter that is slowly encroaching because I've been ignoring it for months). None of those are important (except the library. I will get to the library and bake the challah). Chana and I have already done Chumash and Math. It is actually a perfect time for me to try to calm down, regroup, and break the cycle by simply being with the children and focusing on the positive. Do a little playful parenting.
I'm going to the library. And then I'm going to roll around on the floor and wrestle with the children. And the floor is filthy. And I'm not vacuuming it. Until right before Shabbos.
Showing posts with label playful parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label playful parenting. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2015
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Rambam Laws of Prayer 4:16**
A lot of times when I sit down to work with Chana, I'm feeling stressed or like work is something that I have to "get over with," or that I have so much else to do (clean the house, prepare food, do errands, be with the little ones). It's never great to sit down to learning when feeling I have "so much to do" or feeling rushed or reluctant. Or like last night, when it was 8pm and I had forgotten about it and I was just tired from the day.
It's negative because with my teenager, we don't get so much together time and this is the time we have. It can be a bonding experience or it can be something that increases strife. When I walk into it with a negative attitude, I'm stacking the deck against building a positive relationship with her.
Another reason it's negative is because it gives her negative associations with learning. The learning isn't fun and spending time together isn't fun. I give off the impression that I'm a sourpuss who just wants to get things over with. That's the opposite of the impression I want to give her--that learning is joyous, interesting, and something to savor.
Yesterday I was cranky and since Chana's in a good mood these days, it didn't affect her much except that the learning wasn't joyous or pleasant or especially positive. (And had it been during a phase where she is more moody, it could have easily slid into disastrous.) Today I made an effort to be pleasant,* and spending time learning with her can be so much fun and with lots of laughs and jokes.
It made me remember how important it is for me to make an effort to be pleasant when we sit down to learn together. It seems like such an obvious piece of advice: Make an effort to relax and to smile and exude pleasant and positive energy. It may seem obvious. But when I think back to the amount of times over the years that I have neglected this, I think it pays to say it.
_________________
*Actually, I said to Chana, "Let's learn now." And she said, "Let's learn later." And I said, "But I'm grouchy when we do it later." And she said, "So don't be grouchy!" which was very funny and helped me turn around. Because on one hand, it's not so easy to just shrug off grouchiness. But on the other hand, don't I have free will?
**One should not pray as one carrying a burden who throws it off and walks away.
It's negative because with my teenager, we don't get so much together time and this is the time we have. It can be a bonding experience or it can be something that increases strife. When I walk into it with a negative attitude, I'm stacking the deck against building a positive relationship with her.
Another reason it's negative is because it gives her negative associations with learning. The learning isn't fun and spending time together isn't fun. I give off the impression that I'm a sourpuss who just wants to get things over with. That's the opposite of the impression I want to give her--that learning is joyous, interesting, and something to savor.
Yesterday I was cranky and since Chana's in a good mood these days, it didn't affect her much except that the learning wasn't joyous or pleasant or especially positive. (And had it been during a phase where she is more moody, it could have easily slid into disastrous.) Today I made an effort to be pleasant,* and spending time learning with her can be so much fun and with lots of laughs and jokes.
It made me remember how important it is for me to make an effort to be pleasant when we sit down to learn together. It seems like such an obvious piece of advice: Make an effort to relax and to smile and exude pleasant and positive energy. It may seem obvious. But when I think back to the amount of times over the years that I have neglected this, I think it pays to say it.
_________________
*Actually, I said to Chana, "Let's learn now." And she said, "Let's learn later." And I said, "But I'm grouchy when we do it later." And she said, "So don't be grouchy!" which was very funny and helped me turn around. Because on one hand, it's not so easy to just shrug off grouchiness. But on the other hand, don't I have free will?
**One should not pray as one carrying a burden who throws it off and walks away.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Vayikra 20:20-21
It's odd that these 2 sexual prohibitions are listed as having the punishment of "ariri," meaning to be childless. Usually these are besdin -- court -- punishments. Is it true halachically that there is no court punishment?
On a side note, in on of our more absurd and yet classic interactions, I asked her to read the rashi so I could evaluate how her blind rashi reading is. (People ask how I know how my children are doing in school if I don't administer tests. I sit next to them as they do their work and get a feel for if they understand the material and are capable of doing it or not.)
Chana wanted me to read it to her. I said if I read it to her, I won't be able to tell how she is at reading a rashi she's never read before and has had no introduction to.
We bickered back and forth a bit. I tried some Playful Parenting techniques like pretending to be a teenager and reacting how she reacts. It did break the tension and it was fun, but it was not actually effective in getting her to read the rashi. So I turned back into Mom and insisted.
She was annoyed, but she did it. Then I started to translate it and somehow I annoyed her by not doing it how she wanted me to, and she refused to finish the rashi.
Today is the next day and we haven't done that rashi yet. It's Friday and now that Shabbos is late, I often think we have plenty of time and then we don't. I still have to make Shabbos and I don't know if I want to tangle over this rashi today. I've been not very contentious about rashi lately, because she's been reluctant.
On a side note, in on of our more absurd and yet classic interactions, I asked her to read the rashi so I could evaluate how her blind rashi reading is. (People ask how I know how my children are doing in school if I don't administer tests. I sit next to them as they do their work and get a feel for if they understand the material and are capable of doing it or not.)
Chana wanted me to read it to her. I said if I read it to her, I won't be able to tell how she is at reading a rashi she's never read before and has had no introduction to.
We bickered back and forth a bit. I tried some Playful Parenting techniques like pretending to be a teenager and reacting how she reacts. It did break the tension and it was fun, but it was not actually effective in getting her to read the rashi. So I turned back into Mom and insisted.
She was annoyed, but she did it. Then I started to translate it and somehow I annoyed her by not doing it how she wanted me to, and she refused to finish the rashi.
Today is the next day and we haven't done that rashi yet. It's Friday and now that Shabbos is late, I often think we have plenty of time and then we don't. I still have to make Shabbos and I don't know if I want to tangle over this rashi today. I've been not very contentious about rashi lately, because she's been reluctant.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Killing Monsters by Gerard Jones: book review
An unschooling mom suggested this book to me when we were talking about violent shooting games for her 13yo and I asked her why she allowed them. My boys are currently 6, almost 4, and 2. So violent games are not really on their radar now.
As I've encountered so frequently in the past, what people say about the book gives me a certain feeling about a book, which is completely different than how I feel when I actually read the book. I was reluctant to read Freud for years, feeling that he was arrogant and obnoxious. In reality, when I read him inside, I found him charming. The reviews of Killing Monsters either felt what he said was obvious and simplistic, or they raved about how wonderfully he defends violent video games. I had a completely different experience reading the book.
Of special note is his analysis of the research that states that violent video games and media lead to violent behavior. He makes a compelling case that the research is insufficient, out of date, too simplistic and incorrectly interpreted. He discusses how nuanced the range of violence is (from Tom & Jerry to slasher films, from a few punches to lots of blood) and how inaccurately the ensuing "violent behavior" was diagnosed, and how we would really have to categorize each type and study the effects in better designed studies.
In order to better explain how this book affected me, I should explain that 17 years ago I started off parenting opposed to all multimedia. In general I felt that it's preferable to make up games and stories rather than watch or play them. I hoped to avoid all movies, books and TV shows that encouraged fantasy, preferring stories that dealt with conflicts that children have and present emotionally healthy resolutions.
My first misconception was that children are blank slates and that they won't have unrealistic fantasies without being exposed to them. I eventually came to see the absurdity of that, and realized that there is an inherent human struggle between fantasy and reality, and this is a human conflict that every person will wrestle with, regardless of how many or how few movies and stories that person has been exposed to. (However, I still felt that there is no need to go out of my way to show them to my children, and thought there might be a possibility that a fantasy might be unhealthily concretized by a movie or story.)
Gerard Jones brought up Bruno Bettelheim and how he wrote about the psychological value of fairy tales. I had heard of the book but never read it. I wonder if I should read it now. I've now been looking at all entertainment through the lenses of Killing Monsters and I feel like I'd been looking at everything too literally and completely missing the point and not understanding what it does emotionally for children (and probably for adults, too).
I am not certain I understand exactly what the book says about the benefit of violent games and stories. At times I found what he said incredibly insightful and eye opening, and at times I felt he was unclear or contradictory or not really on point psychologically.
What I gained from the book:
1. Stories help kids deal with fears and conflicts by playing with them.
Children have their internal aggression to cope with, and are concerned about violence in society. Stories that show people being violent are a relief because then they know other people are thinking about it, too. Media expresses the fears that kids have and makes them explicit.
The stories also play with different endings and possibilities. It shows that these thoughts are not inherently scary, but part of the range of human possibility.
2. Really insightful analyses of girl action fantasies and of Pokemon.
I never really understood why the girls have to be so scantily clad. It turns out it's not just for hormonal young lads. He explained the incredible fascination with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and how it plays with girl power and being sexy/attractive and physically and mentally powerful at the same time.
His explanation of Pokemon showed me how it is a metaphor for childhood and how no matter what type of mood or personality, there is a pokemon that matches it. And how it's a metaphor for growing up, and learning to work with unruly aspects of themselves that refuse to stay in their pokeballs. He also explained why Misty was such a beloved character. I always felt that characters that displayed immaturity or explosiveness or thoughtlessness were not good role models because they "teach" children that it's okay to behave that way. What I missed is that seeing characters struggling through life with their explosiveness etc. is exactly what children are thirsty for. They are so relieved that their conflicts are being expressed.
3. How important play is, and how media gives children forms to play with.
I don't think that Gerard Jones said this explicitly, but based on what I read in Playful Parenting, play is vitally important to help children sort through their emotions. Play is the best way and the most fun way and the easiest way. Perhaps the most valuable thing that multimedia provides are paradigms that children seize upon and use in their own play. He brings the example of his own five year old son fusing Power Rangers and Teletubbies to play through his desires for both power and nurturing. I saw immediately how this related to Chana playing "Marth and Roy" when she was five with the neighbor's son for hours. And how Elazar plays "Young Link" and his friend plays "Captain America." I don't know what exactly they see in these characters, what themes of power and strength, but they take them and make them theirs and play with their conflicts and fears and desires. In my opinion, although Gerard Jones doesn't say so, having children play using the characters they see is perhaps the most valuable aspect of watching media.
He does mention that comic books and movies and video games are really useful for preteens and teenagers, when it is no longer socially acceptable to play. It gives them a forum where they can playfully and fictionally deal with these thoughts and conflicts.
He did talk about when teenagers get too entrenched in it and either I didn't understand it or he wasn't clear. It does seem very important that adults be available to converse about it if the child wants, and to approach it from the standpoint of interest and not criticism. We must understand that the media is speaking to the emotions and conflicts of the child in a profound way. An example that he brought is how so many teenagers love Eminem. They are so relieved that he is expressing their rage. That they aren't alone in these overwhelming feelings. That he isn't being hypocritical. That he is real.
4. Parents are the ones who aren't distinguishing between reality and fantasy.
This was a really eye opening point. Children use stories as a way to help them process their feelings. They know the difference between hurting people in real life and hurting people on TV, and in case they don't, the first time they do so they are going to get a very quick lesson (Playful Parenting talks a lot about roughhousing and how it helps children learn appropriate force). Children who have trouble with self control and aggression will do better if they can play appropriate games for these issues. It is us parents who are concerned that because our child enjoys watching or playing killing that they might end up killing. The child knows s/he is just engaging in fantasy. Have some conversations with your child and you will see that s/he knows the difference.
Although I used to disapprove of many shows, movies, songs and other media that told stories with unhealthy or unrealistic messages, I have begun looking at them all with the question: What powerful feeling is this expressing, and what enjoyment is my child getting? What fantasy is this child playing with, and how does it reflect a frustration, concern, or stress that s/he has in real life? What does s/he LIKE about this?
Instead of threats to my children's optimal development, I now see expressions of struggles and conflicts. I see paradigms for them to play with and explore. I see meekness, power, sexuality, violence, fear, anger, love, and the full gamut of human emotion that our society tells children not to express and to control. As long as civilization demands self control, there will be stories grappling with and expressing the lack of it. And they will grip our thoughts and minds as we struggle.
As I've encountered so frequently in the past, what people say about the book gives me a certain feeling about a book, which is completely different than how I feel when I actually read the book. I was reluctant to read Freud for years, feeling that he was arrogant and obnoxious. In reality, when I read him inside, I found him charming. The reviews of Killing Monsters either felt what he said was obvious and simplistic, or they raved about how wonderfully he defends violent video games. I had a completely different experience reading the book.
Of special note is his analysis of the research that states that violent video games and media lead to violent behavior. He makes a compelling case that the research is insufficient, out of date, too simplistic and incorrectly interpreted. He discusses how nuanced the range of violence is (from Tom & Jerry to slasher films, from a few punches to lots of blood) and how inaccurately the ensuing "violent behavior" was diagnosed, and how we would really have to categorize each type and study the effects in better designed studies.
In order to better explain how this book affected me, I should explain that 17 years ago I started off parenting opposed to all multimedia. In general I felt that it's preferable to make up games and stories rather than watch or play them. I hoped to avoid all movies, books and TV shows that encouraged fantasy, preferring stories that dealt with conflicts that children have and present emotionally healthy resolutions.
My first misconception was that children are blank slates and that they won't have unrealistic fantasies without being exposed to them. I eventually came to see the absurdity of that, and realized that there is an inherent human struggle between fantasy and reality, and this is a human conflict that every person will wrestle with, regardless of how many or how few movies and stories that person has been exposed to. (However, I still felt that there is no need to go out of my way to show them to my children, and thought there might be a possibility that a fantasy might be unhealthily concretized by a movie or story.)
Gerard Jones brought up Bruno Bettelheim and how he wrote about the psychological value of fairy tales. I had heard of the book but never read it. I wonder if I should read it now. I've now been looking at all entertainment through the lenses of Killing Monsters and I feel like I'd been looking at everything too literally and completely missing the point and not understanding what it does emotionally for children (and probably for adults, too).
I am not certain I understand exactly what the book says about the benefit of violent games and stories. At times I found what he said incredibly insightful and eye opening, and at times I felt he was unclear or contradictory or not really on point psychologically.
What I gained from the book:
1. Stories help kids deal with fears and conflicts by playing with them.
Children have their internal aggression to cope with, and are concerned about violence in society. Stories that show people being violent are a relief because then they know other people are thinking about it, too. Media expresses the fears that kids have and makes them explicit.
The stories also play with different endings and possibilities. It shows that these thoughts are not inherently scary, but part of the range of human possibility.
2. Really insightful analyses of girl action fantasies and of Pokemon.
I never really understood why the girls have to be so scantily clad. It turns out it's not just for hormonal young lads. He explained the incredible fascination with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and how it plays with girl power and being sexy/attractive and physically and mentally powerful at the same time.
His explanation of Pokemon showed me how it is a metaphor for childhood and how no matter what type of mood or personality, there is a pokemon that matches it. And how it's a metaphor for growing up, and learning to work with unruly aspects of themselves that refuse to stay in their pokeballs. He also explained why Misty was such a beloved character. I always felt that characters that displayed immaturity or explosiveness or thoughtlessness were not good role models because they "teach" children that it's okay to behave that way. What I missed is that seeing characters struggling through life with their explosiveness etc. is exactly what children are thirsty for. They are so relieved that their conflicts are being expressed.
3. How important play is, and how media gives children forms to play with.
I don't think that Gerard Jones said this explicitly, but based on what I read in Playful Parenting, play is vitally important to help children sort through their emotions. Play is the best way and the most fun way and the easiest way. Perhaps the most valuable thing that multimedia provides are paradigms that children seize upon and use in their own play. He brings the example of his own five year old son fusing Power Rangers and Teletubbies to play through his desires for both power and nurturing. I saw immediately how this related to Chana playing "Marth and Roy" when she was five with the neighbor's son for hours. And how Elazar plays "Young Link" and his friend plays "Captain America." I don't know what exactly they see in these characters, what themes of power and strength, but they take them and make them theirs and play with their conflicts and fears and desires. In my opinion, although Gerard Jones doesn't say so, having children play using the characters they see is perhaps the most valuable aspect of watching media.
He does mention that comic books and movies and video games are really useful for preteens and teenagers, when it is no longer socially acceptable to play. It gives them a forum where they can playfully and fictionally deal with these thoughts and conflicts.
He did talk about when teenagers get too entrenched in it and either I didn't understand it or he wasn't clear. It does seem very important that adults be available to converse about it if the child wants, and to approach it from the standpoint of interest and not criticism. We must understand that the media is speaking to the emotions and conflicts of the child in a profound way. An example that he brought is how so many teenagers love Eminem. They are so relieved that he is expressing their rage. That they aren't alone in these overwhelming feelings. That he isn't being hypocritical. That he is real.
4. Parents are the ones who aren't distinguishing between reality and fantasy.
This was a really eye opening point. Children use stories as a way to help them process their feelings. They know the difference between hurting people in real life and hurting people on TV, and in case they don't, the first time they do so they are going to get a very quick lesson (Playful Parenting talks a lot about roughhousing and how it helps children learn appropriate force). Children who have trouble with self control and aggression will do better if they can play appropriate games for these issues. It is us parents who are concerned that because our child enjoys watching or playing killing that they might end up killing. The child knows s/he is just engaging in fantasy. Have some conversations with your child and you will see that s/he knows the difference.
Although I used to disapprove of many shows, movies, songs and other media that told stories with unhealthy or unrealistic messages, I have begun looking at them all with the question: What powerful feeling is this expressing, and what enjoyment is my child getting? What fantasy is this child playing with, and how does it reflect a frustration, concern, or stress that s/he has in real life? What does s/he LIKE about this?
Instead of threats to my children's optimal development, I now see expressions of struggles and conflicts. I see paradigms for them to play with and explore. I see meekness, power, sexuality, violence, fear, anger, love, and the full gamut of human emotion that our society tells children not to express and to control. As long as civilization demands self control, there will be stories grappling with and expressing the lack of it. And they will grip our thoughts and minds as we struggle.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Different discipline possibilities
Jack, my 3yo, spilled out Elazar's crate of clothes. (Yes, his clothing is in crates. That's probably a different blog post but I'll just say that from ages 3-7 I've often found that my kids use a "dive in and toss out all clothes until I find what I want" method and it's been easier to just keep everything in crates and toss them back in afterwards.) Why did Jack spill it out? It's irrelevant (he wanted to climb onto something so he used it as a step stool). And that wasn't high enough. So he dumped out the laundry hamper. And now I want him to clean up. And before he cleans up the hamper, he should clean up the crate.
I've learned a few disciplinary tactics over the years. One of them is:
Children should clean up their own messes. Once a child has to clean up a big mess all by himself, he doesn't make that mess again.
Whether or not that is actually 100% true, it does make good sense to me. If the child makes the mess and is physically capable of cleaning it, then he should do so. I do him no favors by allowing him to make messes that I clean up. He spills (let's say on purpose) and I say, "Hey, don't do that!" and then I wipe it up. What am I teaching him? I'm teaching him that he spills, I don't like it, and I clean up. If he spills and I hand him something and he cleans up, he may not learn not to do it in the future, but at least I'm not teaching him that there are no consequences.
So I told Jack to clean up the clothing and put it back into the crate. He began to cry, "Help me, help me."
Ordinarily, in the past, I would have been kind but firm. You made the mess, you clean it. I will stand here and you will clean it up. This seems to me to make good sense and teaches the child to be responsible.
A tactic I didn't even think of this morning, but am only thinking of now, as I write this, is Playful Parenting.
Make a playful way for the child to clean it up, such as a race, a game..something that elicits giggles and gets the child enthused about it.
People are often reluctant to do this because they feel that the child has to learn. And the child will not be responsible if you make things fun.
(This is actually a fallacy and there are plenty of opportunities to teach responsibility and we don't have to worry about making chores fun causing a long term problem. In fact, this gives them a valuable technique for doing things they are reluctant to do in life.)
This morning, I was about to stand there and firmly insist that Jack put the clothes away himself, when I realized that I had been parenting differently for the last few years. I read this article about unschooling chores and housework a while back and it really had a profound impact on my attitude.
When Jack said, "Help me, help me," I suddenly realized that our home atmosphere has been that we ask for help cleaning when we need it. Which then contradicted the method of having him do it himself because it is his responsibility because he spilled it.
I've learned a few disciplinary tactics over the years. One of them is:
Children should clean up their own messes. Once a child has to clean up a big mess all by himself, he doesn't make that mess again.
Whether or not that is actually 100% true, it does make good sense to me. If the child makes the mess and is physically capable of cleaning it, then he should do so. I do him no favors by allowing him to make messes that I clean up. He spills (let's say on purpose) and I say, "Hey, don't do that!" and then I wipe it up. What am I teaching him? I'm teaching him that he spills, I don't like it, and I clean up. If he spills and I hand him something and he cleans up, he may not learn not to do it in the future, but at least I'm not teaching him that there are no consequences.
So I told Jack to clean up the clothing and put it back into the crate. He began to cry, "Help me, help me."
Ordinarily, in the past, I would have been kind but firm. You made the mess, you clean it. I will stand here and you will clean it up. This seems to me to make good sense and teaches the child to be responsible.
A tactic I didn't even think of this morning, but am only thinking of now, as I write this, is Playful Parenting.
Make a playful way for the child to clean it up, such as a race, a game..something that elicits giggles and gets the child enthused about it.
People are often reluctant to do this because they feel that the child has to learn. And the child will not be responsible if you make things fun.
(This is actually a fallacy and there are plenty of opportunities to teach responsibility and we don't have to worry about making chores fun causing a long term problem. In fact, this gives them a valuable technique for doing things they are reluctant to do in life.)
This morning, I was about to stand there and firmly insist that Jack put the clothes away himself, when I realized that I had been parenting differently for the last few years. I read this article about unschooling chores and housework a while back and it really had a profound impact on my attitude.
It's more of a shift in the parent's attitude than the kids at first. If a person appears grumpy about cleaning, the kids will pick up on that and immediately assume that cleaning is a real bummer. If you hear yourself complaining about something needing cleaned, everyone else hears the complaining too. If YOU obviously don't want to do it, there's a good chance that your kids won't be overly excited about it either. Complaining leaves a bad vibe in the air—not a good selling point.and
he is now much more likely to help out and to do things spontaneously because he sees us helping each other, doing things that need doing simply because they need doing, not because it's "my turn" or "my job"— we don't have assigned jobs, whoever is able and available does what needs doing.I've really gotten into the mode of doing things this way. When I am cleaning up and it feels overwhelming, I will ask my family for help. They've become used to cleaning up messes that they didn't make, and it's been very pleasant to be able to ask for help and get help.
When Jack said, "Help me, help me," I suddenly realized that our home atmosphere has been that we ask for help cleaning when we need it. Which then contradicted the method of having him do it himself because it is his responsibility because he spilled it.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
vayakhel
Chana finished sheni of Vayakhel today. Some of the words she didn't remember, but they are pretty much the same words I don't remember, and I've done it more times than she has. Maybe one day I'll remember the planks and the curtains.
She asked if the lechem hapanim was the bread they ate once a week, and said, "Why is it called 'showbread'? Why not call it 'display-it-until-we-eat-it-bread?' "
We got into a small skirmish since I had her doing a few rashis (the one on kumaz surprised me). And she didn't want to, and she said she knew it, and I used playful parenting techniques and shrieked in a funny way that she needs to do rashi and she has to learn it and I'm in charge and I insist. I screamed louder than she did and I made sure to make it clear that I was being silly. It did break the ice and she did it.
She asked if the lechem hapanim was the bread they ate once a week, and said, "Why is it called 'showbread'? Why not call it 'display-it-until-we-eat-it-bread?' "
We got into a small skirmish since I had her doing a few rashis (the one on kumaz surprised me). And she didn't want to, and she said she knew it, and I used playful parenting techniques and shrieked in a funny way that she needs to do rashi and she has to learn it and I'm in charge and I insist. I screamed louder than she did and I made sure to make it clear that I was being silly. It did break the ice and she did it.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
another sibling rivalry technique: roughhousing
On August 27th I wrote about how my 3yo was pounding the 2yo and not stopping. We seem to be in that "phase" now. I spoke to 3yo about it when things were quiet, about how he felt about hitting his brother, was he aware that he was screaming for him to stop, and how he wasn't stopping. I asked his opinion about me pulling him off of his brother when his brother was screaming and he wasn't stopping, and he thought it was a good idea.
I was doing that for the last week or so, which caused the little one to play up the victim role more, and to a lot more screams of "Mommy!"
I just remembered a technique I like to use in these cases. It's inspired by the book Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen. When the aggressor and victim are rolling around and the victim is screaming and the aggressor doesn't stop, I pull the victim out, briefly comfort him, and then start roughhousing the aggressor. The more giggles I can elicit, the better.
Ten to twenty minutes of roughhousing can change the whole course of the day.
I was doing that for the last week or so, which caused the little one to play up the victim role more, and to a lot more screams of "Mommy!"
I just remembered a technique I like to use in these cases. It's inspired by the book Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen. When the aggressor and victim are rolling around and the victim is screaming and the aggressor doesn't stop, I pull the victim out, briefly comfort him, and then start roughhousing the aggressor. The more giggles I can elicit, the better.
Ten to twenty minutes of roughhousing can change the whole course of the day.
Friday, August 17, 2012
bullies2buddies and sibling rivalry
For the first 11 years that I was a parent, I had two children 5.5 years apart. It wasn't no effort to raise them, but I did not deal with the classic "sibling rivalry." People talked about their kids fighting, and I had no experience. Periodically they argued or fought or annoyed each other, but it was basically nothing. Then I was blessed with 3 children in under 4 years. I still haven't had that much sibling rivalry to deal with until now. Part of it may have to do with the fact that the older two did tandem nursing, which people say helps cut down the sibling rivalry. A huge piece of it is the personality of my middle son, who by nature is peaceful and obliging.
So I read Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. And I've been using Playful Parenting techniques by Larry Cohen, which I am sorry I didn't know about when the girls were little. When I see aggression brewing, I sweep the aggressor into wrestling or some type of fighting play, and it works miracles.
But as far as an ideology regarding sibling rivalry, I've been thinking for a while about bullies2buddies principles. I read about it a couple of years ago, before I had 3 children close in age, so it was still pretty theoretical. Some of the concepts (from my faulty memory) include:
I find this extremely logical. There are a few points that cause me great discomfort:
My next post will describe some situations where I tried it out.
So I read Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. And I've been using Playful Parenting techniques by Larry Cohen, which I am sorry I didn't know about when the girls were little. When I see aggression brewing, I sweep the aggressor into wrestling or some type of fighting play, and it works miracles.
But as far as an ideology regarding sibling rivalry, I've been thinking for a while about bullies2buddies principles. I read about it a couple of years ago, before I had 3 children close in age, so it was still pretty theoretical. Some of the concepts (from my faulty memory) include:
- Hitting that doesn't draw blood or leave a mark is not really "hurting" between two people of about equal power. It is actually a pretty effective way for them to navigate conflicts.
- Children don't usually want to badly hurt each other, and if left to their own devices, the majority of the time they will respond fairly quickly to a cry of true distress and back off immediately. On the contrary, when adults get involved, it leads to children ignoring each other's signals and focusing more on the authority's cues and getting parental attention.
- It is useful to distinguish between bothering and annoying and hurting.
I find this extremely logical. There are a few points that cause me great discomfort:
- What if it isn't quite so benign and one sibling is torturing the other. Shouldn't that be stopped? Isn't that damaging to the psyche of the one being tortured?
- Is encouraging/not stopping hitting and other mild forms of aggression something we want to teach our children? Isn't growing up a lot about being able to control impulses, especially aggressive impulses? Is this counter chinuch? Do I really want to imply by my non-involvement that it's OK to hit?
My next post will describe some situations where I tried it out.
Monday, March 12, 2012
housework and chumash
last night i had the pleasure of having ari do rashi with chana while i cleaned the house. i asked chana at 5pm to do it, she said 6:30, at 7 i got to it. then i decided to vacuum instead. so i buckled jack into the stroller, handed aharon to ari while he was listening to chana whine through rashi, and got to work. 20 min later the first floor was fairly neat. now i know why i don't do it. it takes me 4x as long as that, plus breaks to attend to the kids, plus they follow me around dumping what i just put away.
this morning, i wanted to do chumash pretty early. chana said it's too early. i told her that she had all day yesterday, and the whining that went on was just intolerable. so she chose a time: in 10 minutes. i was counting down those minutes.
we did review of a few of the recent pesukim. i would have loved to review all of chamishi but it is toooo looong. just reviewing 6 pesukim made her cranky, and she didn't have a lot of emotional energy to do new pesukim. i always wonder how to set it up. i tend to mix it up a bit, because she runs out of emotional energy much earlier than i think she "ought" to, and then she gets cranky and unwilling. if we would have started with new pesukim, she probably would have done more AND enjoyed it more. but then she would have no steam for chazara. so she only made it through 3 new pesukim, then we took a break and did rashi.
she's doing a lot of rashis. with nekudos. she said, "all these rashis are not helping me finish the chumash." i said, "but they are helping you learn rashi."
we had to take a break during rashi because jack kept attacking aharon and i took some time to play with jack to take the edge off the aggression.
this morning, i wanted to do chumash pretty early. chana said it's too early. i told her that she had all day yesterday, and the whining that went on was just intolerable. so she chose a time: in 10 minutes. i was counting down those minutes.
we did review of a few of the recent pesukim. i would have loved to review all of chamishi but it is toooo looong. just reviewing 6 pesukim made her cranky, and she didn't have a lot of emotional energy to do new pesukim. i always wonder how to set it up. i tend to mix it up a bit, because she runs out of emotional energy much earlier than i think she "ought" to, and then she gets cranky and unwilling. if we would have started with new pesukim, she probably would have done more AND enjoyed it more. but then she would have no steam for chazara. so she only made it through 3 new pesukim, then we took a break and did rashi.
she's doing a lot of rashis. with nekudos. she said, "all these rashis are not helping me finish the chumash." i said, "but they are helping you learn rashi."
we had to take a break during rashi because jack kept attacking aharon and i took some time to play with jack to take the edge off the aggression.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
a day in the life
so things started off badly. perhaps because it was 12:40 and chana was up at 8:30 and i felt that having over 4 hrs to do whatever meant she wouldn't need a big head's up for chumash, and chana felt differently: that she wants warning. we both got annoyed. i said how about 20 min, she said that's not enough time, i got thoroughly annoyed, she got upset at my tone, i backed down but she began complaining i'm not speaking nicely...
btw, do not think that this is a homeschooling issue. moms around the US are bickering like this with their 10 yos in all areas.
anyway, i was overcome with extreme anger about how we always get sucked into this dynamic and i walked a little away to be furious by myself. suddenly 20 min seemed like an ok deal to chana. however, when we reconvened in 20 min she was sulking. i thought to myself of the many many times i had gotten into this dynamic. not just with chana, but with sarah. i think it must have to do with the energy i give off about wanting to get chumash done asap. instead of giving off energy about how delighted i am to relaxedly sit and work with them on chumash, with no agenda other than to enjoyably work through some chumash and rashi together. i hope i continue to make strides in this. i think this is an example of how i (or any parent) can use different tools to handle different conflict situations, but essentially a lot of issues dissipate if the parent can identify the core conflicts or energy that s/he is bringing to the interaction and work through that.
anyoo, so chana is sulking and i'm having visions of how we always get entangled like this. first the negotiations about when we will do it. we used to have a lot of negotiations about how much we would do, but i've eased off a bit plus chana's skills are better plus we just are happily generally on the same wavelength at the moment. so after negotiations are done, chana is generally unhappy and worked up and we haven't even started! (it's not always like this. often it's quite pleasant. but this is definitely not rare).
so i'm searching for a way to get positive. because when chana starts sulking and speaking nastily, although i personally feel i deserve a medal* for not rising to the provocation and yelling, chana still objects to any slight indication in my voice that i am unhappy at being spoken to that way. i exasperatedly said, "are we going to be in this mood during chumash?" and she said she doesn't like my tone. and i said well, i don't like her tone. and she said but she can't control herself. and i said, "why do you think that i can control myself?" (points for me for giving off the impression that adults are expected to and can control themselves). i said, "don't you think i'm trying too? don't you think it's hard for me, too?" i don't know how much that got through, but since larry cohen is my book of choice these days, i held up my pinky and asked her if she wanted to make a pinky pact. she smiled but she also felt that was weird. and she said, "pinky pact?" and it sounded like piggyback so i asked if instead of a pinkypact she wanted to do a piggybackpact and she asked what that is and i heaved her up onto my back and pledged to try hard to speak nicely and asked her if she would try to speak nicely during chumash. she thought i was very silly. she said afterwards, "other moms would not do that." i said, "is that good or bad?" and she said, "um..." and i laughed.
anyway, thanks, larry cohen. we did rashi pretty intensely for 45 min. 7 rashis. i had nothing else to do, and the boys had friends over and aharon was just rambling on the floor, so i was relaxed. at one point she was telling me a long and detailed dream and i kept having thoughts of "we are in the middle of the rashi" but then i realized that i often wish she'd share her thoughts with me and she was sharing them. then we got back to rashi.
then we talk a 5-minute-play-with-jack break. then instead of doing chazara inside, we reviewed outside what happened. chana likes that because it's easier; i dislike it because i feel it doesn't help with vocabulary. then we finished the aliyah. didn't do the new rashis. but she put in a lot of work today.
chana did ask if yaakov just rebuked yosef to calm the brothers down, if he actually was waiting to see what would happen.
______
* i just want to say that as much as i say "i deserve a medal," what actually happens is more fundamental. i reap what i sow. the more i behave with self-control and wisdom, the better my relationship is with her and the fewer long term emotional issues she has. so in reality it's all about the natural consequences. if you think of it as hashem designing the world with cause and effect, and things having consequences, i do sort of get a medal. kind of.
btw, do not think that this is a homeschooling issue. moms around the US are bickering like this with their 10 yos in all areas.
anyway, i was overcome with extreme anger about how we always get sucked into this dynamic and i walked a little away to be furious by myself. suddenly 20 min seemed like an ok deal to chana. however, when we reconvened in 20 min she was sulking. i thought to myself of the many many times i had gotten into this dynamic. not just with chana, but with sarah. i think it must have to do with the energy i give off about wanting to get chumash done asap. instead of giving off energy about how delighted i am to relaxedly sit and work with them on chumash, with no agenda other than to enjoyably work through some chumash and rashi together. i hope i continue to make strides in this. i think this is an example of how i (or any parent) can use different tools to handle different conflict situations, but essentially a lot of issues dissipate if the parent can identify the core conflicts or energy that s/he is bringing to the interaction and work through that.
anyoo, so chana is sulking and i'm having visions of how we always get entangled like this. first the negotiations about when we will do it. we used to have a lot of negotiations about how much we would do, but i've eased off a bit plus chana's skills are better plus we just are happily generally on the same wavelength at the moment. so after negotiations are done, chana is generally unhappy and worked up and we haven't even started! (it's not always like this. often it's quite pleasant. but this is definitely not rare).
so i'm searching for a way to get positive. because when chana starts sulking and speaking nastily, although i personally feel i deserve a medal* for not rising to the provocation and yelling, chana still objects to any slight indication in my voice that i am unhappy at being spoken to that way. i exasperatedly said, "are we going to be in this mood during chumash?" and she said she doesn't like my tone. and i said well, i don't like her tone. and she said but she can't control herself. and i said, "why do you think that i can control myself?" (points for me for giving off the impression that adults are expected to and can control themselves). i said, "don't you think i'm trying too? don't you think it's hard for me, too?" i don't know how much that got through, but since larry cohen is my book of choice these days, i held up my pinky and asked her if she wanted to make a pinky pact. she smiled but she also felt that was weird. and she said, "pinky pact?" and it sounded like piggyback so i asked if instead of a pinkypact she wanted to do a piggybackpact and she asked what that is and i heaved her up onto my back and pledged to try hard to speak nicely and asked her if she would try to speak nicely during chumash. she thought i was very silly. she said afterwards, "other moms would not do that." i said, "is that good or bad?" and she said, "um..." and i laughed.
anyway, thanks, larry cohen. we did rashi pretty intensely for 45 min. 7 rashis. i had nothing else to do, and the boys had friends over and aharon was just rambling on the floor, so i was relaxed. at one point she was telling me a long and detailed dream and i kept having thoughts of "we are in the middle of the rashi" but then i realized that i often wish she'd share her thoughts with me and she was sharing them. then we got back to rashi.
then we talk a 5-minute-play-with-jack break. then instead of doing chazara inside, we reviewed outside what happened. chana likes that because it's easier; i dislike it because i feel it doesn't help with vocabulary. then we finished the aliyah. didn't do the new rashis. but she put in a lot of work today.
chana did ask if yaakov just rebuked yosef to calm the brothers down, if he actually was waiting to see what would happen.
______
* i just want to say that as much as i say "i deserve a medal," what actually happens is more fundamental. i reap what i sow. the more i behave with self-control and wisdom, the better my relationship is with her and the fewer long term emotional issues she has. so in reality it's all about the natural consequences. if you think of it as hashem designing the world with cause and effect, and things having consequences, i do sort of get a medal. kind of.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
chazak vayishlach
i feel like some days i am doing chumash all day long. v'hagita bo yomam v'layla. this morning chana finished the parsha (chazak chazak) and did you know the torah attributes the mule to one of eisav's descendants?
then, after a break, chana reviewed chamishi for 7 min. she doesn't know a lot of the words and she didn't get very far.
then, after some negotiation, we agreed on 3:30 for rashi. i wanted to do it when aharon was asleep, and she wanted to do it later. i got distracted and we didn't get to it until 3:45. then we tried to do all of the rashis of the parsha (not in one day!) in the chumash w/o nekudos. we got at least halfway. i see the later rashis chana doesn't know as well. no big surprise there. so today was a pretty heavily intense rashi day.
we started wrestling in the middle (vaya'avek ish imo), thanks larry cohen! i have been looking for a way to be more playful about chumash. then i taught chana the game of "got you last." which she liked a lot. perhaps this is what helped us get through almost an hour (with playing) of rashis.
then, after a break, chana reviewed chamishi for 7 min. she doesn't know a lot of the words and she didn't get very far.
then, after some negotiation, we agreed on 3:30 for rashi. i wanted to do it when aharon was asleep, and she wanted to do it later. i got distracted and we didn't get to it until 3:45. then we tried to do all of the rashis of the parsha (not in one day!) in the chumash w/o nekudos. we got at least halfway. i see the later rashis chana doesn't know as well. no big surprise there. so today was a pretty heavily intense rashi day.
we started wrestling in the middle (vaya'avek ish imo), thanks larry cohen! i have been looking for a way to be more playful about chumash. then i taught chana the game of "got you last." which she liked a lot. perhaps this is what helped us get through almost an hour (with playing) of rashis.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
playful parenting
we didn't start too pleasantly. i let chana choose how many pesukim she wanted. they seemed not too complicated (though a bit long) and i figured we would do 4. after the first one chana got kind of grouchy and didn't really understand it. i had also decided to let her choose chazara, and she chose the shortest aliya. i felt she should do only 10 min of one she didn't know as well, but she said she needs review of that one, too. so we stopped after 2 pesukim and moved on to chazara. once we were there (it went pretty quickly), i decided to review the rashis on those pesukim. chana protested and kind of jokingly said, "don't make me use the force." in a darth vader voice. i have been reading playful parenting by lawrence cohen, and i've been looking for ways to lighten things up with my 10 yr old. (by the way, i attempted to use pretzels as drumsticks when we took a small break to get a snack which jack found highly entertaining and chana said, "i'm not really finding this funny."). anyway, when chana started reading the rashi, with this book in mind, i started choking. chana was shocked; she thought jack was choking me. i said she used the force on me because she was doing the rashis she didn't want to do. she found this hilarious and reenacted it with me starting the translation and her choking. she complimented me on being extremely dramatic and it did lighten the tone and we finished in a good mood.
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