Loving What Is: Upon Thinking Fish Should Be Taught to Fly

It's a blessing that somehow, I consider Chen's rebellious nature to be a blessing.  We've had so many talks about why there needs to be rebels in society, how it's useful evolutionarily for groups to have rebels, how rebels help change things that need to be changed.

It's a blessing that I came across Susan Cain's book Quiet and learned that Jack's cautiousness and hesitation and need to be very comfortable and secure before he can relax is not something that needs to be "fixed."


This past year Chen tested all the kids to find their love language and it turns out Jack's is gifts. This has radically altered my attitude.  Practically, I am trying to make sure to give him small gifts every day--little drawings, shells I've picked up on the beach.  And I noticed he either makes special food for himself with friends--sushi, bakes, french fries--or he asks to be taken out to buy a slurpee if he doesn't get a gift that day.  I also noticed that he is extremely focused on tracking when his packages are coming. 

The important thing to note about the gift love language is that it's often mistaken for an inappropriate or unhealthy focus on materialism.  I've found it helpful to think of it as a small gift is important every single day just as a kid whose love language is touch needs a hug every single day (or even numerous times a day).  If he doesn't get a small gift, he doesn't feel loved.  This affects his mood, his sense of things being right with the world, his equilibrium. 

You can see me wrestling with this and not realizing what is happening here and here. I'm not saying that I handled those situations badly per se, but look at them through the lens of gifts being his love language.  There is a whole layer of understanding missing that part of what is paining Jack so badly is that his cup was not filled, and he was "itchy" (so to speak) from the feeling of needing love (via gift).  Once you see that, you can see his mood and his reactions in a different context. 

And that's a context I'm totally missing at that point.

What does it lead to?  Less compassion, less understanding, less creative problem solving, less giving him the small physical gift he needs to feel loved.

I also was mistakenly looking at it through the lens of middos improvement, as if his desire for material things is a character flaw.  It's a nature and it's a way he feels loved.  This is something I'd like to help him be aware of and help him learn to satisfy in a way that is not overly expensive.  It's not something to fix.

I'm in the middle of a similar revolution of understanding regarding Aharon.  I'll make that its own post.

conceptual development

Chana has a few more pages left to Vayikra.  I happened across a gemara yerushalmi this week, and it pointed out something that Chana had noticed in this parsha.  She noticed that shlishi is very, very long.

This gemara (Tal. Jer Megila 3:7) says that you don't stop (for a new aliya) during the klalos, the curses.

אין מפסיקין בקללות א"ר חייה בר גמדא (משלי ג) אל תקוץ בתוכחו אל תעשה קוצים קוצים א"ר לוי אמר הקב"ה אינו בדין שיהו בני מתקללין ואני מתברך א"ר יוסה בי ר' בון לא מטעם הזה אלא זה שהוא עומד לקרות בתורה צריך שיהא פותח בדבר טוב וחותם 

בהדבר טוב

There are two reasons given why not, and I thought it might be interesting to discuss it with Chana.  So today, instead of Chumash, I said I wanted to talk about this gemara.  I read it to her and translated it.  

She wanted to know a) if this will be instead of or in addition to chumash.  (I said "instead of" and she looked immediately more cheerful.)  b) how long it would take (I said 15 minutes and she said okay).

I'm finding that either because of inclination of because of the way I taught, I spent more time teaching Sarah how to analyze and question than I did with Chana.  Very possibly because during the years when Chana's brain matured to that point, age 6-12, I had 3 little boys in quick succession.  During the years when I taught parsha, I always paused for Sarah to think of questions.  I think that with Chana, we were doing Chumash and I was focused more on translation than on questions.  

Chana had difficulty analyzing this conceptually, but I think it was an enjoyable experience for us to discuss it.  

The important thing is that it was enjoyable.  I hope to find more opportunities to improve her thinking skills in the coming years.

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If you are interested in the types of analysis we did.

There are 2 answers.

1. Hashem said, "It's not "b'din" (appropriate?) that my children are being cursed while I am being blessed."

Why isn't that appropriate?  Does this make sense or not?

Did Hashem actually say this?  Is this d'rabanan or d'oraisa?

How do we feel blessing Hashem while reading about the curses?

If Hashem is good, then aren't the curses good for us as a nation?  Then why is it not appropriate to bless Hashem while reading the curses?

(Actually, looking back, she did a pretty decent analysis.  But it is much clearer as I write it than when she was actually thinking about it.)

2. When you stand publicly to read the Torah, you have to start with something good and end with something good.

Why is that important?

Chana suggested because it shows that Torah is good and Hashem is good.

I would have liked to do some analysis as to why there are two answers, and is it a machlokes or not, and what the machlokes is.  But time was up and I suspect that is better for after age 15, anyway.